Arnold Schwarzenegger

 

is not a cunt?

It’s been a while, but I am here to inject a dose of positive energy to the IAC fellowship.

So, with the indulgence of the moderators, I would like to nominate someone who I consider to most certainly NOT be a cunt, the main man, Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Following a difficult few months I have recently read the autobiography of this faded icon, and I have to admit to having being thoroughly inspired by the story of his life and the lessons it offers in the extraordinary capacity for achievement in our deeply flawed species.

This is a man who was born in to depressed post war Austria in a house with no electricity, no toilet, no running water. He is now worth $1.2 billion and has a legacy of limitless determination and endless achievement behind this.

As a child he looked around him and thought I don’t like this, so how can I change my life. When visiting the large town near where he grew up he would go to the cinema in the 50’s and see images that inspired him to crystallise one goal: America. He proceeded to devote his life to removing himself from the dire misery of post war Germania, his ambition to become a Hollywood movie star. He found the means through bodybuilding, to which he devoted himself day and night, but did the necessary graft along the way – working in factories, on building sites, serving in the army.

When he got to America he slept on couches, worked as a labourer, laid bricks. Whatever he needed to do to survive, whilst at the same time spending every spare moment in the gym, crafting himself to be better than anyone else in the bodybuilding world, and pursuing every avenue to get himself noticed. But all the time he remained cheerful and determined. He worked, worked, worked, and was constantly impelled by the idea that he was always achieving and moving forward. And the rewards came. His single-minded, unfaltering determination, led to him winning the bodybuilding titles, landing the film roles, having the capital to build up a property empire, having the commercial nouse to commercialise concepts borne out of his celebrity status such as Planet Hollywood, as well as giving him the opportunity to experience the reward of giving something back in the form of his pioneering programs to get America fit and encourage deprived kids to take control of their lives through inner-city youth development programs.

The rest as they say is history. Governor of California, ongoing movie career, one of America’s all-time “dream” legends.

I’ve never met the guy, never will. But when you read his life story you can easily conclude two things:
1. He was always aware he had one shot at life.
2. He was buggered if he was going to waste a single second of his time here feeling sorry for himself, blaming other people for shit, doing nothing because life’s unfair; he was just gonna do what was in his power to make it happen.

Take note young and old. This man is a dying breed and should be treasured while he’s still with us.

four minute books

Nominated by Balsamic Dave.

Obese Coffins

are a cunt.

Wolverhampton Council have introduced a “fat tax” on burials for obese persons, due to increased demand, of all things.

Wolverhampton resident Rosemarie McLaren said she felt the move was “discrimination, it’s not acceptable”.

“Someone like me who’s a bit bigger, is going to be charged [more] because I’m fat,” she added..

Unsurprisingly Rosemarie is a twenty stone Dark Key.

It appears that cremation has never occurred to them,but then again,why wait til the fat cunts die of natural causes,such as an excess of Di Chiggun?

Light em up!

bbcnews

Nominated by Unkle Terry.

Piles (3)

A light hearted but painful cunting for piles, or pile in this case.

Having never exerienced such rectal delights until today, but taken the piss whenever someone has mentioned them, Imagine my horror waking up feeling like I spent my first night in an American prison with big bobo as my cellmate.

A quick bath and check, and just to be sure, a look with a mirror to find a big (big to me anyway) fresh new pile sat there.

Got some anusol on way to work and had self service tills existed here, I would have used it for once but no, served by the usual woman who is usually chatty and smiley but not today, so asked her if the anusol and my massive arse grape was the reason which did raise a smile.

Had some fun looking for a youtube link, a lot of them seem to be Indian videos, are piles more prevalent in Indians? I would have thought the lack of toilet paper and the type 1 and 2 on Bristol stool chart would mean they were less likely candidates, but what do I know on day one of a hopefully very short sore bum journey.

youtube

Nominated by Cunt of the Isles.

British Police

are cunts and a bag of shit, lost a rather good bike from out side my property, as soon as reported it, took a further seven days for
their response.

I gave them some cctv footage of suspect in the early hours of the morning, not a shit of good, didn’t even follow it up, I uploaded the footage, still no investigation. I know there are different levels of policing but just don’t give a shot. We are screwed the way thing are going.

bbcnews

Nominated by Brickshithouse.

The Markle-Lima Podcast

*Cue ‘Jaws’ soundtrack* dur dum dur dum dur dum dur dum dur dum dur dum

Yes just when you thought it was safe to go back onto Youtube, up pops Meghan ‘Duchess of Deceit’ Markle’s first ever podcast interview with some slightly odd
and creepy American woman by the name of Jamie Kern Lima. And yes, it really is every inch the smarmy West Coast cringefest you’d expect it to be.

Little Miss Sparkle is, of course, every bit the self-obsessed fake we’ve come to expect, spewing out her usual word salad in that insufferably oily voice; ‘I know that I’m a great friend, I know the kind of mom I am, I know how I show up, and I love being able to be that person burble blah’. Lima chips in with vacuous comments like ‘I’m getting emotional right now’ (aren’t we all dear).

Or how about ‘it’s not about the grandeur of a gesture. It’s about I see you. I’m nurturing you and I see you so deeply and I love being able to see your growth’ from Meagain. ‘I have full body chills right now’ twitters Lima.

Oh there’s more of this airheaded, self absorbed nonsense; MUCH more, but I’ll leave you to seek it out for yourself if you’re interested and think you can stand it. Meantime, here’s a teaser to put you in the mood. I warn you however that your most likely reaction is a headlong rush to get your head over the loo before you barf. It’s the expected reaction to the sight of watching two of the phoniest, least likeable, least self- aware and most up themselves people imaginable vying to be the biggest cunt in the room.

youtube

Nominated by Ron Knee.