A cunting for the modish mental health issue striking down our youth, known as Eco-anxiety.

Seems like one of those weird psycho-geographical things J.G. Ballard wrote about in the 70’s, along with people becoming stranded on traffic islands for days. The BBC delight in both reporting and propagating it amongst the already frail lambs.

Telling them we have ten years to save the planet is based on political misrepresentation. If the actual scientists are to be believed, several say it’s too late to reverse climate change and we are locked in. If that is the case then we face a genuine threat from the sudden release of methane from permafrost and seabed. That will make protests about cow farts and diesel a distant memory as the atmosphere heats up by 5°c in a few years.

Liz Bonnin weeping over melting permafrost in Siberia probably doesn’t have the same emotional impact for the Kumbaya crowd as the burning rainforest for soya bean… cattle ranching, but it’s a far more abundant source of methane.

So whether you think climate change is a scam or it is real, eco-anxiety is a colossal waste of time. You can safely disregard the scaremongering, or accept that we did well to get out of the Savannah but have probably fucked ourselves.

Just stop fucking crying over it.

Nominated by Cuntamus Prime

The use of the word “Artisan” when referring to food or crafts.

It seems that not a day goes by without some wannabe, oh-so-hip and trendy, faux nerd hipster using the word “artisan” when referring to a café, restaurant or some sort of arts and crafts.

I don’t really watch television much on account of it being a load of consumerist, propagandist bollocks, but anyway, I distinctly remember flicking through the channels one night to some programme in ‘Murica where some pretentious hipster cunt had opened an “artisan vegan gelato parlour”. Not really sure how you can get vegan ice-cream unless they use coconut milk or soy milk (bleurgh).

Ever since then, all I keep seeing about the place is “artisan baker”, “artisan crafts”, “artisan” everything. I don’t know if it’s a case of because I’ve seen it I’m primed to keep seeing it everywhere, or whether it is actually everywhere.

It seems that when the word “artisan” is used, it means you can add £££ to the price of everything. To add to my argument please see link below:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=3&v=XUv7NQelex0&feature=emb_logo

I’m not sure if this is a piss take or deadly serious.

So here you go – have an “artisan” crafted cunting from me. That’ll be £15.50 please! (only joking)

Nominated by Harold Steptoe

A great big ho-ho-ho humbug of a cunting for ‘The Giving Tree’…

Just when you thought the retail festival known as Christmas couldn’t get more commercialised and cynical, there comes a new idea to prove you wrong – and just such an idea is the giving tree.

Kids hang tags on the tree saying what presents they would really like for Christmas, gullible twats take a tag and go into the shops and buy it. No OK, it goes to ‘cherity. mate’ but it’s basically still just a con to get you to part with your hard earned dosh.

Walk this way, sir, give us yer fuckin’ money…

Bah! Humbug! Cunts…

Nominated by Dioclese

UNIVERSITY OF SYDNEY STUDENTS CHARITY CALENDAR 2016. FEATURING SOME CHICKENS AND A FEW COCKS….

It’s about time for every boring “Oooh,look at us,aren’t we wacky?” group of “fundraising” narcissists to start flogging their tired shite.

In the Age of Freely Available Porn, I don’t want to see a bunch of students covering their bits with handy potted plants and I most certainly don’t want to see a bunch of wrinkly, old, coffin-dodging bags dangling their kneecap-scraping dugs while leering like Prince Andrew at a school Nativity play when the Virgin Mary comes on stage.

Think of some original way to satisfy your vanity and shove yer charity up yer arse while you’re at it.

Fuck Off.

Nominated by Dick de Pfeffel Foxchaser-Fiddler

Hugh Grant is a cunt, isn’t he?

Every once in a while this aloof cunt sticks his head out of his Kensington mansion to poke his nose into politics and wag a priggish finger at the Hoi Polloi. It’s all a pretence however, as in reality he’s advertising a new dreary film about an upper class berk mumbling and bumbling like it’s 1927.

Aside from making anachronistically clichéd films, there’s nothing Grant enjoys more than being all righteous about some superior crap. Well, that and being sucked off by cheap whores in Hollywood.

This time he’s been mouthing off about Brexit, despite it being over three years since the biggest electoral victory in British history. He’s been promoting tactical voting to prevent leaving the Fourth Reich. Standing next to Labour’s/Change UK’s/Liberal Undemocrats’ (delete as appropriate) Chukka umWobbler, he said, “I have never been involved in a general election campaign before. I don’t want to sound dramatic, but you could argue that it is my job, but I really do think we are facing a national emergency.”

No Grant, your job is to be a third-rate character actor, perpetually flogging a dead stereotype as you did in the sentimental vomit that was “Four Weddings and a Funeral”.

Grant, who was in the intensely-political Paddington 2 (cunted by yours truly), has mouthed off about Brexit before, bizarrely throwing his support behind the old spinster, Dominic Grieve (!?).

Perhaps Grant sees himself as a late-blooming political man of the people. He has, after all, made such deeply poignant films as “Love, Actually”, “Notting fucking Hill”, “Bridget Jones 1”, “Bridget Jones 2”, and “Red fucking Nose Day”.

Hugh Grant: Cunt, Actually.

Nominated by Captain Magnanimous