The Merkrons
Reuters reports that Europe’s happiest couple, Emmanuel and Angela Merkron, have renewed their vows at a ceremony in Aachen.

For much of the previous century, the respective French and German branches of the family were locked in a bitter feud that occasionally erupted into outbreaks of extreme violence. The ceremony was aimed at reinforcing the reconciliation between them which has existed since their kiss and make up accord of 1963.

Speaking after the happy event, Mrs Merkron stated that the declaration ‘reinforces the cooperation between us. It will act as the first step towards the creation of a pan-European security organisation across the twenty odd sub-divisions of our multi-national business empire’.

It is fair to say however that joy across the continent has not been unconfined. Opponents argue that the Merkrons aim to create a European monopoly through the operations of their ‘ UnionEuropa’ mega company, thus establishing a choking stranglehold by which to dominate smaller competitors. Estranged family friend Marine Le Pen accused Mr Merkron of anti-competitive practices, claiming that he’d committed ‘an act that borders on treason’, and vowed never to speak to him again.

Small businessman and anti-corporate campaigner Nigel Farage also fumed ‘I didn’t get an invitation to the ceremony, but if I had, I’d have used it to wipe my arse after a shit this morning. The Merkrons want nothing less than to own the whole fucking continent, lock, stock and barrel. I wouldn’t be seen dead with the cunts’. Jacob Rees-Moggster, Managing Director Of GreatBrits Ltd, was just as scathing. ‘This is a marriage of convenience, little more than a sham’, The Moggster stated. ‘Mr Merkron is a puffed up peacock, and this gives him the opportunity to strut about and act like a player, but we all know who really wears the trousers in this relationship’.

The ceremony itself was marred by the appearance outside the town hall of a number of well-wishers clad in bright yellow jackets, who grew boisterous when refused admission to offer best wishes to the happy couple. Best man Jean-Claude Juncker was unavailable for photos of the ceremony, having last been seen in a comatose condition beneath the refreshments table.

Nominated by Ron Knee

Julius Makina warrants a good cunting.
His recently departed sister Katrina Makunova made the headlines, being a 17 year old ‘victim’ of knife crime. The Evening Standard reports that the girl went to meet her estranged boyfriend having hidden a knife in her own handbag. A struggle ensued, she fell and stabbed herself with her own knife.
This cunt Julius declares that the Met Police are not doing enough to bring knife crime under control! How the fuck were they supposed to have prevented this ‘crime’?
How about your family instilling some sense into your sister and telling her carrying a knife probably isn’t the right idea. Let’s face it if she hadn’t managed to kill herself, what do you think she might have done with the knife?
And fuck me, immediately the dear old Met suggest increased stop and search might be the way to go, every ethnic activist leaps up and down proclaiming this racist action is completely unacceptable.
Here’s an idea you ignorant fuckwits. Start taking a bit of responsibility for your own actions instead of blaming everybody else. Unfortunately seems unlikely in today’s society.

Nominated by Bellendiousmaximus

Green Tea Drinkers

When doing the office tea rounds I have noticed a disturbing number of colleagues requesting a cup of this muck as opposed to the standard British cup of tea.

It is a sad state of affairs when British people start opting for a mug of this stomach bile rather than a ‘put the kettle on’ and have a good old brew (spoonful of sugar if you like) with a dash of milk.

Who the fuck would want to drink this shit? Just looks like a cup of hot water that has gone stagnant and bred algae. Smug cunts that drink this shit think that they are going to live forever by flushing all the toxins out of their bodies after a weekend of debauchery.

Stop being a silly cunt and have a proper cup of tea.

Nominated by Janette Krankie’s Hairy Cunt

Labour MP Cat Smith (Lancaster & Fleetwood) is a cunt. She has cancelled a Brexit meeting due to ‘a far right threat’ We don’t know what this threat actually was as the official police statement is:-

‘Lancashire Police said the decision to cancel was “a matter for the MP and her office”.’

Far right again. ie those who disagree with this pointless harpie. Or anyone who voted Leave. In other words, the majority of her constituents who may want some accountability from her. The Nazi bastards.

Nominated by Cuntstable Cuntbubble

Meaningless Words and Phrases
I passed a site yesterday where work to construct six townhouses has begun. They’re  described as ‘luxury’ townhouses, presumably to try to fool the public into believing that they’re somehow inherently superior to the ticky-tack rabbit hutches that are the norm these days. ‘Luxury’. It’s one of those words and phrases that have become so devalued by overuse as to render their purpose effectively meaningless. ‘Luxury’ one hour car valet, ‘luxury’ wallpaper, ‘luxury’ cruise, ‘luxury’ fucking bog roll, all priced at ‘just…’, or ‘from as little as…’.

There’s a BMW showroom near to me that’s offering  models with ‘executive’ licence plates. As an add-on, you can have a plate that reads ‘PR1CK’, to announce to the world that it’s possible for a BMW driver to be an even bigger cunt than anyone thought possible. ‘Executive’ luggage, ‘executive’ lounge, ‘executive’ apartment…
Bought any washing up liquid or shampoo recently? I bet that it’s ‘new’, ‘improved’, ‘best ever’, even better than last month’s ‘best ever’. You wouldn’t want that ‘ordinary’ stuff. Perhaps it was advertised ‘as seen on tv!!’, history’s most meaningless endorsement.

Mostly such debasement is merely irritating, but in recent years, it’s taken on a more sinister overtone in social and political matters, where ‘ic’s and ‘ist’s are now hurled about with gay abandon. If you don’t avidly espouse the cause of some group or other, you must be transphobic, homophobic, misogynistic or whatever. If you’re worried about levels of immigration or you’re anti EU, you’re obviously Islamophobic or xenophobic, and a racist and fascist to boot. Zealots have used this tactic to cow people into silence and thus gain control of the agenda. Ironically, such persistent, consistent usage over time means that the terminology has devalued to the point where it’s lost its power to intimidate, and is now widely regarded as cant.

I could go on, but to quote the late, great John Major, that would ‘over-egg the fucking pudding’. So I’ll close with my current favourite meaningless phrase, to wit, the ‘people’s vote’; no, let’s utilise one last meaningless phrase, and make that ‘the so-called people’s vote’. Let’s have another vote on EU membership because as we all know, the last one was purely for gerbils.

Nominated by Ron Knee