Albert Einstein – Not Very Smart

I have long suspected this cunt to be a complete and utter fraud, ever since I had the displeasure of studying his Theory of Relativity bollocks at school. I now know it to be a fact.

Not content with being long dead and forgotten, Albert is currently ubiquitous on our televisual machines, pretending to make cups of tea, cavorting with confused persons of colour, while at the same time attempting to scam our highly infantilised UK population into lumbering themselves with a SMART METER…

YouTube Link

We are supposed to think, “well, if Einstein thinks it’s a wonderful thing to have a Smart Meter, then it must be, no? After all, he’s got a brain the size of a planet.”

Like fuck he has! The cunt’s been brown bread for 68 years.

Fuck off you phoney patronising shit for brains cunt!

Nominated by: Minge Juice Bottler

117 thoughts on “Albert Einstein – Not Very Smart

  1. What a breath of fresh air this nom is.

    Fucking Jewish psycho-babble. Not one of his theories have been proven, nor disproven, that’s the beauty of them, can’t really say one way or the other.

    What the fuck did he create, develop, innovate? Fuck all, except bollox mind games?

    The epitome of style over substance

    I’ll give you an event horizon you cunt, right between the eyes. Then you explore gravity, cunt, face first.

  2. I watched a fascinating program where Einstein, smart as he was, kept being proven wrong by someone smarter still. Niels Bohr.
    Furthermore, when I find a way to break the speed of light, I’m going back in time and insist that Einstein kisses my arse.

    • Duke – you are correct. Everyone remembers Einstein’s name but what they don’t realize is that he spent a lot of his time trying to ridicule and debunk Quantum Theory, and was proved to be incorrect. Niels Bohr ended up winning all of their arguments, but his name is hardly a household word.

      • Well, let’s just give this a bit of context:

        “Einstein would make his last big contribution to quantum theory (and perhaps to physics) in 1925. In 1924, Satyendra Nath Bose (1894–1974) finally succeeded at obtaining a fully quantum version of Planck’s theory. And he did it by embracing Einstein’s light quanta concept; something no physicist, other than Einstein himself, had done since its introduction in 1905. The work was revolutionary, and would establish the area of quantum statistics. Einstein had spent some two decades wrestling with the fundamental nature of light, and he must have immediately realized what Bose had accomplished (having seen his own work fall short of such a feat).”

        And Pauli ultimately pissed on the Bohr Atom.

        NOTE (1) Science evolves. Inspirational leaps are vanishingly rare, and today’s science invariably depends on yesterday’s work by yesterday’s people. Including, monumentally, Einstein..
        (2) In science, there is always another theory. “Proof” consists of a statistically-based assessment of whether or not the new theory explains your observations better than the existing one.
        And Pauli pisses on Bohr…

  3. Does the teasmade & the time machine come with it? If not I will be taking what I would know to be Isaac Newtons advice. I am sure if he was alive today he would have realised the gravity of the situation. “A scam meter? No thankyou.”
    & why does Albert sound like a meerkat?

    • It’s not Albert.
      It’s a shit extra from the talent agency – £20/hr and a grey wig.
      Probably thought tv ad would boost his carreer – wrong ! nobody has a clue who you are. If the go out in public made up like Einstein all you will get is knocked over & robbed. Cunt !

      Energy companies would suck the sweat off a dead mans balls – they’re that greedy …. wankers.

  4. You’d think they’d revive some famous black scientist from the past to flog their rip off smart meters. Someone like……… err……erm…….oh just fucking make it up!

    • Will George Washinton Carver do Freddie. Discovered 300 uses for the peanut. A quantum leap there I recon.

      • 300 fings can do wid da peanut.

        1. Eat it. Yum yum.
        2. Look at it. Cute peanut.
        3. Touch it. Feel slinky peanut.
        4. Erm… put up nose.
        5. Put in ears.
        6. Err…put up my black ass.
        7. Put up somebody else ass.
        8. See how far can throw it.
        9. Try to teach it Spanish..
        10. Errrrm…

      • George Washington Carver did not invent peanut butter is a recipe, not an invention.

        it just so happens that the south Americans had a recipe for peanut butter a few hundred years previous.

        Kelloggs also had a recipe for Nut paste’ which is the same thing. although Kelloggs did patent theirs several years prior to Carver.

  5. I had an interesting chat with the wifey who came to read our leccy meter last week. She said she has to read more smart meters than old non-smart ones because mobile signals are so crap here in the sticks that the data isn’t getting back to the companies anyway. So it’s a complete waste of time and money installing them out here.
    She herself doesn’t have a smart meter and isn’t going to get one.

    I see a time coming when we’ll all be forced to have them though. Instead of Albert Einstein perhaps the Kray Twins would be better historical figures to promote them.

    • Indeed yes, GT.

      My Sis moved supplier and it was part of the contract that she had to have smart meters, otherwise they wouldn’t accept her as a customer.

      I have them, at my age you tend to get pissed off going outdoors in freezing weather to read the meters, unless you really want one of their inflated estimated bills, so they can balance the books.

      I even have a smart water meter, best move ever. Dropped my monthly bill from £56 to £21.

      • Evening JP👍

        At your age?
        Only in your 60s aren’t you?!!

        My dad was throwing pianos about till 70!

        Your like Clive Dunn.
        Acting older.

        We’re onto you.

      • This is the last year I can claim to be in my sixties, Mis.

        I’m throwing a big party to celebrate the last days of childhood and juvenile behaviour.

        Next year, I’ll be an old boring twat, in a flat cap, having gone bald, with a ferret in each coat pocket to warm my hands.

    • My other half likes to wear clothes until they fall off him in bits. When I try to persuade him to get rid of some decrepit article (like the dressing gown with only one sleeve for instance) he reminds me that Einstein only had two suits his whole life. Well, I may not know much about science, but the smelly old cunt would not have been welcome in my house if that was his policy on clothing. Must have stunk like a polecat.

  6. There is only one scientist I admire, doc emmett brown.

    Anyone who’s uses a delorean as a time machine gets my vote.

  7. What about Sigmund Freud? Made up bullshit, pseudo scientific excuses for why people act the cunt. The original wokie scientist.

    • Might be right where Prince Harry ‘I want my mummy!’ Halfwhitt is concerned though.

      ‘I felt as though she was in the room with me, as I applied the cream…down below…’. (or words to that effect).

      A touch creepy that.

    • I think there is a film about him with Kiera Nightly. She gets spanked, tne saucy little minx.

  8. The smart meter revolution has kicked off, ok Albert what do you think of people being switched (literally) to pre-payment instantaneously. The poor are being ‘unfairly’ moved to pay before you play because they aren’t paying their bills. I bet they aren’t so chuffed about their shiny new smart meter now 😂. Not to worry the left are getting Ofgem to smack energy company bottoms.

    On the plus side, sign up to sitting in the dark between 5 and 6 pm and you get a discount, utter cunts, ‘we might be short of leccy’ well get the coal fired power stations running and wind up nuclear then there will be no issue.

    Yes Albert your smart meter is smarter than you originally thought, no longer a tool to help you save money but a device for state sponsored power rationing.


    • Well SOI, I signed up for this shite, and I have, currently, a whole £2.50 to play with.

      It might be as much as £2.60, when they’ve done their sums for Monday and Tuesday. I didn’t bother turning ought off, apart from the Home Energy Display, as I get credits just for signing up.

  9. Fucking waffling old Cunt…he can shove his theories up his arse…someone should have kicked the Cunt in the knackers the second he started spouting his boring shite.

    Eggheads are Cunts.

    • Oh, I don’t know, Dick. Barnes Wallis invented some pretty good stuff. Good with bombs for killing Krauts!! Frank Whittle was good, too. R.J. Mitchell had some good ideas.

      • Barnes Wallace is buried in a little churchyard in a village called Effingham, in Surrey, where he had lived.
        Pretty appropriate-as “Effin-em” was absolutely what his fine invention did to the Nazi industrial complex 😀👍

        Do you wish you had been in Lancaster’s or Spitfires, DCI?

      • Back then, Spitfires, definately, but, in my time, I prefer helicopters. Always fascinated me, helicopters. Bloody noisy, though.

      • As always the best death dealing inventions are British, alas at the moment that includes reclusive GPs.
        The British are very good at killing people, supposedly there is a British squaddie or ex squaddie involved in most global fisticuffs.
        Pity the woke rulers dont play to our strengths and invest in the death industry more, we would make a killing.

      • Eggheads can also be The Gays….most dangerous of all is a Fruity Shylock….cunning and predatory…a diabolical mix indeed.

      • The ones I call the ‘stealth gays’ are the worst. They appear straight, so on the outside, no rainbow bollocks, or bender T. shirt motifs. So it’s backs to the wall as soon as the cunts are found out. At least you know where you are with the “normal” crop of benders.

  10. Einstein was a man of wit,
    and used to dress like a sack of shit.
    Once was walking by St Pauls
    when a thought came to him
    Like a kick in the balls

    “i know, I.ll measure light !
    Fucking useful come what might
    The only problem I have with this,
    Is folks round here will take the piss.
    If I were to fail it would give them pleasure
    “The daft old cunt needs a longer measure”

    OK…me coats on..Im going.

    • That’s better than any of the mindless doggerel penned by that eighteenth century haggis-munching excise officer, Ferrars.
      And tonight’s his night apparently, though fuck knows why.

    • Einstein was not a handsome fellow never anyone called him Al he had a long moustache to chew on in was yellowI dont think he ever had a gal, one thing he missed out on his on his theory of time and space and relativity makes it very clear he was never bgoing to score like you and me.

  11. I would have thought that a lot of younger people really don’t know who Einstein was, so I’m a bit taken aback that they’d use him to promote smart meters.

    Surely the towering intellectuals of the modern day would have been a better choice, and there’s so many to choose from.

    Lineker, Southgate, Pegg, Price to name but a few. Mind, they’d have actually had to pay them megabucks

    • He told her that his very small amount of matter would release an enormous amount of energy in her reactor, if she was up for it.

      ‘Ooooh’ she breathed silkily, ‘that’s E=mc2!!’.

      ‘Gott in Himmel!’ cursed Einstein. ‘Can I borrow zat?”

  12. The BS I was told that you have to HAVE a smart meter, it’s the law. Yours truly said no, do show me where parliament said so. NO? Now fuck off thank you. Good bye.

  13. To the observer, time flows faster or slower depending on which side of the toilet door you are.

    • Sam, with the correct shade of Kiwi boot polish applied, you could get an honorary PHD from any number of UK or US universities, for that astonishing and profound statement.

    • Without doubt, the most profound yet comprehensible explanation of relativity theory ever proffered for the benefit of the layman.

      IsAC salutes you sir!

  14. Re: the nom pic-why is Freddie Boswell advertising smart meters?
    Scousers fucking hate them-no money to steal or any opportunity “ta fiddle de leccy”.

    • I passionately loathed Bread. Every single one of them was a cunt. Greetings. She is a tart, Am gonna be a model,.Saw one episode, you saw ’em all. I can’t believe how this shite was the top rated TV show at one time.

      • Completely agree Norm. The 2nd worst comedy of all time. Only surpassed by that Mrs Brown’s Bollocks.

      • No, that was the shite that had Dennis Waterman playing Lord of the Manor, with the sole joke being
        ” just the one, Mrs. Wembley”

        Now, that was a fucking abomination.

      • Sunday night TV after dinner was a “captive audience” in that era Norm.

        Fortunately I inherited an old box type record player and loads of brilliant vinyl from my older cousins-made Sunday nights bearable👍

      • Tis true but i bow to no man in my love for the 70’s sitcom ‘The Liver birds’ second only in the pantheon to George & Mildred.

  15. I got a smart meter….delighted with it. Far easier to read than the old dials one….doesn’t send readings so I still have to send them myself on the website,not a big problem and I know to the penny how much my usage has cost.

    As for the “they can turn you off remotely”…well so what?….they’ve always been able to,quite correctly,”turn you off” if you didn’t pay the bill and if it’s the “rolling blackout” for whole areas…well…they’ll just pull the main fuse for the entire affected area anyhow.

    I saw someone saying that people can spy on you through smart meters,fridges etc…..well,they’re fucking welcome…I suspect they’ll sharp look away by the time I’ve got my Gemma Arterton inflatable frothing at the gas ( the secret is a drop of washing-up liquid…but I’ll never tell,tee-hee).

    • I meant to say “gash” but “gas” is actually probably more accurate.

    • Einstein?!! That div.

      That scruffy little cunt was working with me he’d get a daily wedgie and dead arm.

      Theory of relativity?…zzzz

      I challenge you to a arm wrestle.
      Yeah thought not.

      Fuck off an tuck your shirt in you old dosser

      • You ever seen that fine British comedy “The Chain”?

        About a day in the life of a removals company-warren Mitchel plays an Intellectual, sagely foreman.

        You remind me of him-but with a beard and (presumably) an intact cock👍

    • I like my smart meter, Dick.

      Tells me exactly what I’m going to get fleeced for this month.

      If British gas our any other robdog bastards ever cut off your gas, they usually put a blank in the outlet pipe.
      An adjustable spanner and a screwdriver rapidly sort this out and get you going again.

      And by the way. Fuck you British gas!

      • Mine’s just electric….no mains gas up here…what really fucks me off is the 49 pence a day standing charge…they never spend a fucking Penny on maintenance and the power goes off if as much as a bee farts within a mile of the lines.

      • My mate has a large Arb company. When he moved house several years ago, to a more rural farmstead, he had a “Gasifier” installed.
        24/7 heat and scorching hot water, all from his own logwood.

        I envy him. The system wasn’t cheap (£30k including a complete overhaul/replacement of his system).

    • As long as the personal mansion is disconnected from the main grid. Or else you might find trouble with the Albanian bitcoin farming Mafia. Give them a caravan and a bottle of calor you’ll thank me later.

  16. He was a brilliant independent thinker, would definitely be totally against “not so fucking smart meters”.WEF electricity control meter.

  17. I think there’s an Einstein theory that explains why Travellers’ Fare sarnies could be fresh when loaded onto the buffet car, but limp and uninteresting an hour or so later, after you’d finished queueing for the bloody things (and an overpriced tin of grim lager, unless it was the Scottish golden shower type, with a nudey bird on the tin).

  18. Well that Alexa mini robot the wife talks to is thick as pigshit and that must be several factors more intelligent than a fucking gas meter.

    Bunch of Cunts.

    • They can fuck off with dead celebrity adverts anyway.

      St George Floyd says look both ways when crossing the road to buy drugs?

      Penelope Keith says pay your taxes to help Afghans?

      Charlton Heston says water meters are better for keeping otters safe?

      They are simply mad.

    • He’s the bloke nobody invites to the pub.
      Can’t hold a normal conversation.

      Quark, strangeness and no charm.

      If you had a dinner party and had a choice of famous people from history,
      He’d be on no one’s list.
      Only person worse than Einstein would be Gandhi!!
      Who wants to sit next to someone in a nappy?

      • I’d invite President Zelensky from Ukraine…I think he’s great.

      • Mine would be surprisingly diverse.

        Idi Amin
        Billy the kid
        Johnny Rotten
        Muhammad Ali

        Idi to carve the roast.

      • Zelensky isn’t a famous person from history, quite yet.
        Even General Cuntstard wouldn’t claim that his is.
        I’d invite Jack the Ripper.

      • Apparently there was once a dinner at one of the Oxford colleges, and a women was sat next to (the philosopher) Isaiah Berlin. She spent the whole evening under the impression he was Irving Berlin.
        Me, I LOVE a good tune. Penny can twang my banjo string any time…
        All together now:
        Jean-Paul Sartre
        Was a stupid old fartre
        And a stupid old fartre was he;

        Answers on the back of a postcard to:
        Dept. of Culture
        Elyaee Palace

  19. Hard to believe, I know, but the radio adverts attributed to this wretched old cunt are even more condescending than their TV counterparts.

    They start with: “Hello, Albert Einstein here…”

    A fucking lie from the get go!

    So much for the Advertising Standards Authority and its remit to ensure that “all marketing and advertising must be truthful, honest, and an accurate description of the product or service.”

    As MJB perceptively points out, Einstein has been dead for 68 years!

    These Scam Meter adverts contravene nearly every advertising rule going with impunity.

    TCIF 😠

    • Except for the fact that the link requires me to sign in, Norman, I might have looked at that.

      As it is, perhaps you could give us the gist?

      • Well, Jeezum, it’s Shamima Bigbum’s ‘story’ and it’s called ‘I’m Not A Monster’. It claims to be impartial, but the BBC then says Shamima is an ‘innocent schoolgirl’. It is blatantly obvious that the BBC are on Bigbum’s side and want her let back in. She’ll probably end up working for them.

      • Well, fuck that for a game of soldiers, Norman.

        Were do I sign the ” never, ever, in my lifetime, you lying bitch”

      • The Shamima Begum podcast.

        Not even Brasseye could have came up with that level of satire.

    • They don’t seem to be in a great hurry to make any programmes about the misfortunes of the Yazidi people or Christians at the hands of ISIS. Why they’ve fixated on this charmless piece of sociopathic shit is a complete mystery. Shame she didn’t get a free ticket to Allah’s magic garden from reaper drone airways like that mad bitch Jihadi Sally.

  20. I can see Shamima doing tv adverts in the future. Syrian Airlines? The Katie Price Life Coaching Course? Holidays in Iran? Assorted baby products?
    Yes, a very lucrative future I reckon.

    • When I win the lotty, I am going to donate millions of wire coat hangers and Lysol to deprived/depraved parts of the world.
      I am not a racist, individuals in Brighton and Cove will get a fair crack of the whip.

  21. I tell you something though, we would all be fucked if Newton hadn’t invented gravity. Floating around like cunts.

  22. I know let’s put smart meters in every house and sack all the old meter readers
    Used to love having to explain that’s where I always keep my fiesta readers wife’s collection when the meter readers come round
    Anyway Einstein was a cunt should have got a proper job

  23. What I find funny is how everyone associates Einstein with E=MC squared, and not the Atomic bomb. This is probably because of all the negative connotations. It’s ironic, because the atomic bomb helped to end WW2, ushered in nuclear power and acted as a deterrent for future conflicts. Most people don’t know what E=MC squared is, and even if they did, they wouldn’t know how to apply it.

    • I’ll give you a demonstration. Black Person A in Stolen Car Vs Police Car B. Black Person A decides to do a full frontal at 40 mph and Police Car B are also going 40mph. Crash happens at 80mph. Black person doesnt survive because he fly’s out the windscreen head first . Thus because he cannot listen to simple instructions of wearing a seatbelt where as police in car B survive with a mangled car.

    • Didn’t Rancid Pansies (anag.) apply something like that to Halfwit’s tummy thimble?

  24. Nothing smart about knocking one of the greatest thinkers of the 20th century, but I agree with the cunting of co-opting his image for coercing the bovine populace into adopting smart meters.

  25. I thought about that too. Turns out Albert Einstein’s likeness is licensed by the HUJ (Hebrew University of Jerusalem) to whom he bequeathed all his works. However when he was writing his will he could not have foreseen them licensing his likeness for such a frivolous purpose.

    I’m sure Einstein would have liked energy to be “too cheap to meter”. Use electricity to spread light, joy and warmth to everyone. Not to be metered by a computer so they can charge whatever the fuck they like at different times of day.

    I think it is distasteful.

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