Opening corned beef with the key

I like corned beef.
Its lovely.
I also like corner beef hash.
To make corned beef hash you need corned beef surprisingly.
But the tinned stuff comes with a unique opening comprising a little key that peels the tin back in a thin line .
But it doesn’t.

Ive tried this must be 200 times and its only ever worked once.
Whoever thought this was a good idea is a sick fuckin maniac.
Its borderline fuckin useless .
I use a tin opener,
I know when im beat.

I know this isnt a main concern for most, its not earth shattering,
Or political.
But it drives me fuckin bananas.
Its a small torment that can get you down.
I think corned Beef should come in a ball,
Wrapped in foil.
Like a Terrys chocolate Orange.

Anyway thats my nom.

YouTube Link

Nominated by: Miserable northern cunt

83 thoughts on “Opening corned beef with the key

  1. You do know that corned beef also comes in slices?

    I now have a hankering for a corned beef and aromatic tomato sandwich on fresh baked tiger bread.

  2. They never work. Useless and annoying.
    But enough about the politicians!
    These tins were invented by plaster manufacturors..

  3. I feel your pain Miserable, imagine if some cunt had giant sausage fingers and had to fumble about with a little key? Its just plain sadism.

    I wonder if they will go down this road?


  4. Useless domestic information. Princes now do corned beef in round tins with those little ring-pulls you pull back and the lid comes off, like tinned fruit. They only do them in small tins, and they are quite pricey, so you would probably need to buy two tins for your hash, and after that I feel totally emasculated, and I shall go and put my pinny on and offer to become Mandy’s bum boy 🙁

    Good morning all.

  5. If a Fray Bentos pie is worth persevering with then a tin of Argie cow scrote is easily dealt with.
    You need a bigger hammer.
    Have at it.

  6. I wouldn’t be seen dead eating something as common as “corned Beef”.

    Have you considered asking the staff at the foodbank if they would consider swapping the corned-beef for something more accessible to the easily befuddled?…. ” Full Breakfast in a Tin”,perhaps?..they might have a ring-pull…the same as your tins of “Boddies”.

    • Corned beef is Ace. And you can’t make a corned beef ash with a full breakfast in a tin Dick. Or corned beef ash pasties.

    • I can report that the full breakfast in a tin (which I love and would be my final meal before I faced a firing squad) does not have a ring pull lid.

      • Especially what I was thinking Sir Fiddler

        Nasty poor people food. Absolutely disgusting they should be shot and put out of their misery along with Lord Cuntingford

  7. I am fortunate enough to have a deli counter at my local supermarket who will happily cut inch thick slices of corned beef.
    I stopped buying tins after spending several hours in A and E, waiting to get a badly gashed finger stitched after opening one of these inventions of Satan.

  8. Good morning MNC, forgive for taking time to respond to your dilemma or beef so to speak.
    It’s a travesty that you should struggle with the opening of your tin in this modern day and age.
    The only way to politicize and voice this concern is to contact your local do Gooder board of public human rights issues .
    It would help no end if you just came back from Spain with a lovely tan of course as it would speed up the inquiry regarding whiteys sadistic pleasure in the torture you have been subjected too ,regarding your right to have your beef and eat it without having a fucking the ritual of a broken stub and a quarter opened opened tin and another ten minutes of further frustration lies ahead before finally having your beef and eating it
    Doesn’t taste as good though after all that wasted fucking about😉

  9. Give it a couple of years and all meat products will be cancelled (included the tins they’re packed in)

    We must save the planet and little Greta’s future by chewing grass and lettuce leaves.

  10. Its a shite way of opening a tin.
    A little key that rolls jagged tin.

    The key isnt long enough.

    It needs easier access.
    Maybe in a small bucket with cellophane over it?

    Or reuse banana skins?
    Chuck the fruit, fill with corned beef, reseal?

    Gotta be a better way?

    Famous fans of corned Beef

    “We had it at our wedding reception”
    Roger Moore

    “Best meal I ever ate”
    David Niven

    “I wont eat owt else!”
    Cary Grant

    • MNC@ – Chuck the key, needle nosed pliers, wrap the tab round them as you open it.
      Opening the can when pissed, frustrated, hungry and angry with a DeWalt industrial saw is not recommended..

  11. Corned beef-a nostalgia blast, right from the 1970’s👍

    I too remember those fucking key-tins-every time I look k st the large scar on my finger, a bit which required stitches.

    Didn’t the high ranking Nazi’s glee to South America, in particular Argentina and Brazil?

    Perhaps these satanic tins are a form of revenge against the world.

    • More fans of corned beef

      “Its like beatlemania! I love corned beef!
      Donna Summer

      “Best eaten on a yacht after killing your wife”
      Robert Wagner

      “Better than sex!!”
      Audrey Hepburn

      “This goddamn tins a fool!”
      Mr T

      • Clint Eastwood insists on 40% of his wage and royalties being paid in tinned corned beef.
        He has warehouses dotted about the USA.
        Never cut his finger once.
        Threatens each tin with a .44 Magnum.
        Go ahead, make my daaaay……..
        Morning, MNC. 👍

      • Morning Jack👍
        Just off to Ellesmere port.

        Clint Eastwood wouldn’t be the icon he is without a diet heavy in corned beef.😀

      • MNC@ – “I fuckin’ love beef – especially the black and bareback variety”!
        Greta Thunberg.

    • “I just have to say I’m in the mood for corned beef and the tins open by themselves.”
      Chuck Norris.

  12. Mis: perhaps you should switch allegiance from corned beef to tinned spam👍

    Slices of fried spam, served on crusty bread, with runny fried egg😋
    We used to enjoy that breakfast butty, when we camped on a mates farm, as teens-a good “cure” for a hangover👍

    • I do like spam CG!!
      But this late in life changing allegiances wouldn’t feel right.

      Such a massive decision is something that needs to be discussed with the family.

  13. I imagine corned beef is quite a delicacy oop north among the poor people. We don’t have it here in Londonstabistan. We’re all vegans don’t you know?
    Oh yah.

    • FtF@ – The poor people oop North never see such hallowed Ambrosia – ’tis just a rumour!
      We aren’t all carefree millionaires like young Miserable! 😀

  14. My problem isn’t so much with the key not working or the strip snapping (only ever happened a couple of times) as with you picking up a can that doesn’t even have a key. Of course, you don’t notice that when you buy it because the key is on the bottom where you don’t fucking look. Then there is the added problem of, once you have managed to open it, getting the meat out in one piece without it falling to bits. I solved all the problems by buying one of those tin openers that work horizontally. I open at both ends and push the whole chunk out. Simples.

      • Yes, I always put any tinned meat in the fridge for several hours, they’re simply impossible to deal with otherwise.

  15. Last time I bought corner beef it was mushy and you couldn’t slice it (Dewhurst’s). And yes, I cut my fucking finger which seems to happen about 50% of the time. I’m careful as fuck, but it just takes the slightest of touches or the key to get fucked for the bloodletting to start.

    It’s a heart attack in a tin (about a ton of salt and fat in it) but I do get a craving for a corned beef and hp sauce butty/corned beef and tomato butty once in a blue moon.

    Got one now, so thanks for that. I’ll buy some plasters then to go with it as usual.

    If it’s good enough for serial killers though, it’s good enough for me:

    “Where do you think I got my strength from to throttle all those rent boys?”

    Dennis Neilsen

    “If they’d banned corned beef there’d be a lot more northern grannies about and I wouldn’t be a dead cunt an’ all.”

    Harold Shipman

    “If I ran out of human body parts in the fridge, I’d make do with corned beef. Reminded me of human brains, so I could still wank while eating it.”

    Jeffrey Dahmer

    “What you asking me for? I’m not a murderer. I don’t know how the cunt ended up with a broken ringpiece at the bottom of my swimming pool.”

    Michael Barrymore

  16. Fook me !
    What have I woken up to ?
    ISAC’s finest, humbled by a tin of Bully Beef ?
    Lost count of how many I’ve opened, over the years.
    Can’t see the problem.

    Remove key.
    Locate key fully and squarely on tab.
    Keeping firm tension, wind key All the way round.
    Discard lid.
    Run thin bladed knife around inner edge, then gently prise out meat.

    Standards are slipping here.
    Are We Not Men ?
    Good morning. 😀

    • Bravo Jack, yes I think you are right in your diagnosis. Have the soy boys who struggle with opening a tin of corned beef have a whiff of the gayness about them?

      CuntyMorts advice, if it’s too hard pliers on key and keep the fingers AWAY from the sharp bits. There you go solution to problem.

  17. Known as ‘Bully Beef’ by our troops during the War.

    I love corned beef, spring onion & mayo mixed as a sandwich filler – great on a ‘part baked’ baguette cooked in the oven….yummy

  18. I’ve got a horrible feeling that Miserable is winding us up. I think that by “corned beef “ he’s referring to Katie Price’s old fanny batter.
    The dirty, dirty bastard.

  19. Bully beef won us two world wars apparently. I’m surprised the average tommy could get his Elastoplast covered finger in the fucking trigger guard to fire his Lee Enfield after fighting with one of those tins. The whole enterprise must have had more risk of harm than storming a German machine gun nest.

    • A tin of bully beef was no match for the cold steel of a British bayonet. Ask the Krauts.

    • FMC@ – It is no coincidence that the top of a tin of bully beef was pretty much identical to the width of a bayonet.

  20. I have got this tin opener , it’s brilliant it opens any tin up and as it turns it blunts the edges, so no cut fingers,, how sad am I? Raving about a tin opener, what a cunt! Morning all

  21. We used to get Christmas hampers when we were kids full of these peculiar tins of Ye Olde Ham or Ye Olde Corned beef that were almost impossible to open (especially for a very hungry 10 year old) along with tinned Pear halves or Pineapple Chunks and other such culinary delights.
    And jars of lemon curd.
    Happy days

    Good Morning

    • I’ve got to ask….who gave you these hampers? Was it The Beadle in Oliver Twist?

      • I had some fucking odd relatives but I can’t imagine even they would have given a 10 year old a fucking tinned ham for Christmas.

      • Sorry chaps.. 😂
        The hampers weren’t for me specifically.

        They were family hampers that my mother would buy on the tick.
        All the half decent stuff would be gone by new years day and the rest would end up in the back of the pantry.
        Hence the hungry 10 year old taking his fingers off trying to open corned beef come April time.
        Or worse still – eating pineapple fucking chunks..

        Life was grim at times but it was never that grim where I actually received a tin of Ye Ode Ham for Christmas.

  22. People still eat this muck? saying that, one of my elderly relations eats a thing called Ox Tongue which is about the most vile thing I have ever laid eyes on.

    Don’t tell me, you put something vile like an egg or pineapple on it?

    I think Krusty had Corned Beef as an ingredient in The Clogger sandwich?

    • Spanky@ Ox tongue is beautiful!
      Doesn’t look too good until you strip the skin off though.

  23. I can’t believe some cunt has posted a video on YouTube of corned beef being opened.

  24. The food of the Gods. Helped Tommy win hundreds of battles. You had to be hardcore to open the fucking tins. For a few of our brave lads in foreign climes the main use of the bayonet was opening the tins. You could say that bully beef was incidental in the making of the British Empire.
    A statue featuring a Tommy bayoneting a bully tin should be placed on the fourth plinth in Trafalgar square. This tin of epicurean delight should be proudly displayed and acknowledged as the bedrock of our greatness.

    • Only to be pulled down by some mardy and immensely offended Islington types declaring that the British Tommy was a bit racist for murdering all those innocent krauts

      And the justice system would of course concur with them

      • Damm, your right T, attempting to live a woke free life I never considered the implications of my so hateful suggestion. My head hangs in shame. Thank you for pointing out my obvious thought crime, I will of course repent, recant, deny move on.

  25. I love corned beef, has to be fridge cold though, with a pile of bubble and pickles, or in a sarnie.
    I’ve never encountered any problems opening the tin, apart from when I lost the key once. That wasn’t too much of a problem though, as being a locksmith, I only had to rummage in my van for that once in a lifetime opportunity to use my corned beef pick set, cracked in seconds. ( I never advertise this on my website. I like the pub at teatime on a Saturday)

  26. once you’ve opened the tin throw the key in the cutlery drawer, ive always got a dozen or so keys and often given them to neighbours asking to borrow a hacksaw

  27. Does anybody know how you actually ‘corn’ beef? And what the fuck is ‘Spam’ anyway?
    Is the war still on?

    Morning all.

      • As it’s also highly popular in Pacific areas where they once had a taste for the old ‘long pig’, this one does the rounds…


    • RK@ – They use brisket which is a cheap cut, use big “corns” of salt during the cooking and tenderising process, add brine, strip all the connective tissue, roughly mince and can it.
      The name “Fray Bentos” comes from the name of the place in Uruguay where the canning factory was opened.

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