No Time To Die (the new Bond movie)

SPOILER ALERT (in case you haven’t seen it and plan to).

I love a good Bond flick, me. Pretty much everything Ian Fleming wrote has already been used for the movies, so I accept screen writers need to come up with original plots, villains, gadgets, etc. while still using the main character, James Bond 007, as the vehicle to tell the story.

However, what makes a Bond film different from a regular spy/action movie is the tried and true Bond formula. In a nutshell, a proper Bond movie has these characteristics:

– Bond walking across the screen to the Bond music, he suddenly turns and fires a single shot towards the camera, blood trickles down and we’re off!
– Opening action sequence featuring Bond up to no good, being discovered by baddies, a hot pursuit unfolds with Bond killing a bunch of them and escaping in some crafty way;
– Opening titles with a memorable song;
– Bond shows up at MI6 and gets his mission from M, usually with a bit of cheeky banter;
– A visit to the eccentric and professorial Q for some new gadgets;
– Multiple stop offs in exotic locations complete with seduction of beautiful women from whom he extracts information;
– Lots of action (fire fights, fist fights, car chases, etc.) coupled with amazing stunts;
– Bond gets captured and brought before the big villain;
– Big villain explains exactly how their dastardly plan will prevail and sets in motion Bond’s demise;
– Bond escapes, foils the dastardly plot, snags a beautiful woman and lives to fight another day;
– Closing credits;

That’s what the Bond audience expects from a Bond movie. Did we get that this time around? Did we fuck!

– We got the single shot to camera and trickling blood, but then we’re shoved into a 24 minute opening (non-action) sequence spoken in fucking French between mother and child that doesn’t even feature Bond at all! No explanation, no context and utterly confusing. I actually thought I’d put the wrong disc in the player.

– After 24 minutes we finally get the opening titles. Graphically OK, but oh my fucking christ what am I hearing? Bond themes should be special and memorable. In the past we’ve had classics from the likes of Shirley Bassey, Rita Coolidge, Carly Simon, Lulu and Paul McCartney and Wings (and I say that as someone who absolutely hates McCartney).

The last few Bond themes though have been absolute shite. Adele (Skyfall) and Sam Smith (Spectre) both utterly dreadful and instantly forgettable. However, the bar has been lowered even further this time around with an absolute dirge of vocal diarrhea from that green haired talentless slag, Billie Eilish.

I’d avoided assaulting my ears with her output thus far, but was caught off guard when she/it started warbling over the open credits. It sounds like she was off her face on drugs. The fact this piece of aural cak is associated with Bond is a tragedy.

Moving on…
– Bond doesn’t even work for MI6 anymore. He’s retired. Then he’s hired by the CIA to grab a scientist also wanted by MI6. In an attempt to grab the scientist before the CIA does, MI6 sends in the new 007 – a black woman. No, I’m not making this up.

– As the very convoluted story unfolds and unfolds and unfolds (it’s 168 minutes long), we find out the spotty teenager Q has The Gayness (how lovely and utterly pointless to the plot), the story is actually a continuation of the previous movie Spectre, the big villain from that movie dies, Bond’s main CIA contact (Felix) dies.

– Bond now has a daughter by some blonde tart who did/didn’t/did/didn’t betray him and just when you didn’t think it could get any worse, Bond saves the day on some remote island just as Royal Navy cruise missiles rain down and kill him. That’s right – they’ve killed James Bond. FFS!

Things are wrapped up with a toast to the dead Bond in M’s office and the blonde tart is seen driving away with Bond’s daughter in his Aston. The End.

What a load of old cunt.

A very funny piss take of the stupid plot and moronic direction can be enjoyed here:

YouTube Link

Nominated by: Imitation Yank

 

95 thoughts on “No Time To Die (the new Bond movie)

  1. All future Bond movies will be kak, they’ll be full of cocks in frocks, mince woofs and dyky boiler suits, won’t be worth watching

    • I think you’re right.

      This pile of crap has already cleared the way for 007 to be black woman – FFS! If the next Bond doesn’t feature Bond’s daughter as the new 007, then it’ll be anything other than a fit, mid 30s, athletic white man.

      You could almost feel sorry for the actor who’ll be part of the character’s movie resurrection. But then again, they would have agreed to do it, so fuck ’em.

  2. I first saw live and let die in 1973 on holiday in Lyme Regis I was hooked at 7, I have watched everyone since at the cinema on release, but after spectre never again (cuntum of shit was also crap but due to no script because of Hollywood strike)When I read there was going to be some tar tart playing 007 I knew it would be woke shite. Until there are fresh producers it will continue to be crap hope Amazon sort it out they are Uber greedy bastards so maybe they will.

    • Back in the day, we had the big Bond film on Boxing Day. Always looked forward to that as a kid. Happy memories of this daring-do spy, who gets into and out of scrapes, has relations with gorgeous women, always foils the baddie and gets the girl.

      Lovely stuff.

  3. An excellent cunting of arguably the biggest load of cunt the money grabbing Broccoli family could have produced. Also noticed that the worst cunt of an actor to play 007 is also one of the producers. Utter cunt

  4. Bond doesn’t die (or at least not according to the end credits – it always used to say “James Bond will return…name of next film”

    This time I have a feeling it said Bond will return. Could this be the end of a male Bond? I’ll never fucking watch a female Bond.

    I hope I read wrong –

    • Will be LaFonda Bond who is a lezzy and seduces more birds than the males ones did. The little cock biter Q will give her a dildo that can also cut through 2 inch steel with a laser beam.

  5. Saw it for free, because if I’d had to pay I’d have demanded my tenner back.
    A tired collection of recycled clichés and scenes nicked from older better films. They even ripped off the end of John Carpenter’s original Halloween for the opening scene.
    Not to mention the cheap nostalgia callbacks such as the appearance of Dalton’s Aston Martin, which was blown to bits halfway through The Living Daylights. Or the lab technicians wearing Dr No’s radiation suit.
    Utterly bereft of invention and imagination and a suitably barrel scraping send off for the worst piece of miscasting in cinema history
    (Bye Danny. Don’t let the door hit your arse on the way out).
    Bond disappeared down the shitter after Goldeneye, never to return…

    P.S. Cunts…

  6. I was disappointed with this film because it could have been much better. Daniel Craig’s Bond makes too many mistakes. Skyfall could have ended about 1 hour earlier if it was Roger Moore. He’d have shot the baddie in the balls twice AND saved the girl before the helicopter had landed.

    I didn’t like the ending of No Time To Die. This is James Bond not a Marvel movie. Bad casting of Hugh Dennis as the scientist’s mate. It’s Hugh Dennis for God’s sake! Where’s the reality in that?

    That Safin character is like a cross between Frank Spencer (‘Oooh Betty, the cat’s done a whoopsy on the carpet…’) and a not so scary Noseybonk. In fact Noseybonk would have been a scarier baddie.

    The Royal Navy would probably have hit the island with Tomahawk Cruise Missiles with 450kg of high explosive warheads or more likely torpedoes as it was a low lying target. Bond could have easily avoided being killed by going to high ground or going in the opposite direction or even hiding in a strong bunker.

    This is a better ending (c) ME:

    After Blofeld is killed it is revealed that Q Division have been developing an anti-Heracles vaccine. Q administers it in his usual cack-handed way.

    Q: You may feel a small… prick.
    Bond: OW! Can’t you get a nurse to do this?

    2nd time onboard plane going to island after giving him smart blood:
    Q: You’ll need a second vaccine to boost your immunity.
    Bond (picking up bottle): Can I keep this?
    Q: Sure.

    Final fight

    Safin: I have a lock of her hair…
    Bond (Produces anti-heracles bottle): I have anti-Heracles – and I’ve had 2 doses (Shoots him in the head)

    New 007 goes back to island to rescue Bond.

    New 007: Come on James!
    Bond (New 007 helping Bond into boat): 007? What kept you?
    Bond (Struggling a bit): Everybody needs a helping hand.
    Gets in fast boat and escapes island.

    Good ending:
    Takes kid to school in restored DB5

    Beautiful Teacher (with big tits): I haven’t seen you before with Matilda, you must be her dad.
    Bond: Yes – the name’s Bond, James Bond.
    Gives cheeky wink to camera. Credits roll.

    • You are welcome. People watch Bond films with a certain expectation and rightfully so. Those expectations are not met in this film and worse, it’s an insult to the franchise, the original book author and the fans.

  7. The Daniel Craig Bond films have all been a load of po-faced, shite. I haven’t seen this latest one and don’t intend to.

    Best Bond film Licence to Kill
    Best theme song Licence to Kill
    Second best theme song Goldeneye

    • 0 for 3 I’m afraid.

      Best Bond – Live and Let Die
      Best Theme – The Spy Who Loved Me
      Second Best Theme – View To A Kill

      You’re 100% correct about Craig’s portrayal of 007. Just not good.

      • Making 007 a morose, troubled loser is more in line with current “progressive” thinking.
        It’s more intelligent, you see. I know because Auntie Barbara said so in an interview with (probably) The Grauniad.
        And it gives Daniel Craig’s fanboys someone they can identify with…

  8. Some great comments by the cunters as usual.

    Mrs Yank and I were utterly disgusted and quite angry about this film. For us, it isn’t a Bond film. It just isn’t. Mrs Yank has since found an interview with Barbara Cabbage and Craig and apparently when he agreed to his run of Bond films, he insisted his character die in his last film. Ex-fucking-cuse me? A hired hand got to negotiate the closing moments for an iconic character? What the actual fuck!

    That is a massive slap in the face to all the Bond actors who came before him. Craig is now dead to me. I thought his Casino Royale was shit. No humour, no nods to the true character of Bond. Just a gritty, driven ‘hard man’ performance completely not in keeping with the Bond style. Quantum of Shite was just an action movie, nothing more. I thought Skyfall was decent. It had some flashes of classic Bond, not enough, but some. A lot of it didn’t make sense, but it ticked enough Bond boxes to get a pass. Spectre was poor. Really stupid and the start of the complete betrayal of the Bond franchise, finished off with aplomb with NTTD. It’s just NOT a Bond film and worse it’s a kick in the teeth to the Bond audience who wanted to see a Bond film.

    Everyone involved in this production is a cunt. All of them. Wife and I had to watch The Man With the Golden Gun immediately afterwards as a kind of therapy session. Back when Bond was great!

    • Evening IY.

      Daniel Craig is a miserable cunt and a limited actor. Gurning and scowling seem to be the sum of his acting abilities regarding Bond. Bond for me will always be Connery and Moore, nobody will remember Craig in 50 years time with the fondness of classic Bond.

      • Evening LL.

        I agree. Nothing Craig has done will ever be labelled as “classic Bond”. My absolute favourite Bond was Roger Moore. I just loved his mannerisms, cheeky double entendres and the overall sense of fun and mischief he brought to the role. Connery was a little too stiff for me, but still a great Bond. I enjoy his movies too and I’ve heard many times, his portrayal is the closest to the books (which I’ve never read).

        It’s just that a Bond movie has a formula. You know what to expect going in and enjoy the ride. NTTD just pissed in the face of Bond fans. Bond always wins the day – that’s what Bond does. He doesn’t get blown up by cruise missiles.

        Total betrayal by everyone involved.

      • Oh no, comment in moderation! I used an old word for kid rapist. Weird how you can use, “child rapist” but not others that have less litigious words.

    • The next Bond should be at least ironically sexist, make fun of wokery and other cultural diarrhoea. Fuck me, THERE’S an idea: Bond takes on an Epstein-type villain.

      There’s two sides to Bond. You have the campy fun side and you have the, “evil is afoot,” and I get how balancing that is hard for writers, but it can be done. You can’t have a villain that is ethnic now, though, so have a proper evil honky that rapes kids. Or is that much for PG-13/12A ratings? Hey, that’s the world we are, it’s all came out that the so-called, “elite” rape wee kids, teenagers.
      Have Bond wipe the cunts out.

      License to Kill… Nönces!

  9. They do this to destroy so called toxic masculinity, in doing this they destroy the fanbase, LB&QGTIXYZABC doesn’t and never will be normalised or sell, they’re a very small demographic within a very large mainly straight demographic, it’s trading cash for crap, hope they enjoy going broke the sick dickheads.

    Spoiler, a line of dialog from the next bond film “I’m bond sweety, double oh! 7″, lift my dress you bad man and look at my large black weapon, and I’m licenced to thrill, oo, la, la.”

  10. Just watched this – pile of puss – 007 is a black woman FFS!

    This franchise has gone the way of so many things in the modern world and is now totally missable. Just forget it. Total rubbish I’m sorry to say.

    I remember watching the Spy Who Loved Me in a cinema in Aldershot way back in the 70s. Lot of squaddies in the audience. When the Union Jack parachute opened at the start of the film the cheering didn’t stop for minutes.

    That was a real Bond film. Nobody is going to be cheering this woke sh1te.

    What a bloody shame.

  11. I watched the film half way through, got bored and turned it off.

    Piece of absolute shite and I bet some darkey will be the next bond and M, Q or whatever will be some WOKE entitled trannie.

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