Wood Pigeons

These cunts are trying to take over the world. They’ll still be around when mankind has wiped itself out.

They shag each other all year round, but who has ever seen a wood pigeon nest or, young?

They seem to propagate in secret, then sit on top of your chimney screaming croo croooooo croo croo-croo down into the fireplace all day just to drive you insane.

First to the bird table, the uncultured bastards with no table manners scatter bread all over the place. Last year I outsmarted them by buying meal worms for the song birds that stay in Britain all winter, which they didn’t like. This year they’re eating them anyway just to piss me off.

One of the smartarses got a bit too cocky though, whilst laughing at me through the window, a sparrow hawk had him.

I can however recommend several of them baked, with mashed spuds and mushroom stuffing. Get the boot in first before they develop a taste for human flesh.

Nominated by: Duke of Cuntshire

83 thoughts on “Wood Pigeons

  1. Sorry for derailing this nom so early, but please be aware of an issue with the latest Windows Updates – KB5009543 for Windows 10 and KB5009566 for W11 – which were rolled out on Tuesday 11th.

    This updates fix a lot of issues, but by contrast seemingly breaks a few new ones, in this case various VPN clients (see link below)

    If this has affected you best thing to do is uninstall the updates and bounce the box.

    As always with Windows updates it is best to put such things on a delay so that you won’t get hit with problems when the update is rolled out.. Just go into your Windows Update screen and click “Pause Updates” and choose how many days to put them on hold (14 days is often best)


  2. Wood pigeons are fine eating and totally organic…no wicked factory farming involved….cruelty free too if you don’t count when I shoot them.

    Feral pigeons are the ones that tend to nest in barns…fine eating too…I like to climb up and put some wire netting over the nest when the chicks hatch … that way the adults can continue to feed their chicks through the netting but the chicks can’t escape…when I judge the chicks plump enough,I remove the wire and wring their necks….lovely,fresh,tasty,chemical free meat.

    • Morning Mr F…pigeon is to be recommended then? I’ve never tried it.
      The only pigeons I see that could be converted into pie are manky as fuck, hobbling round on stumps with missing toes, the dirty bastards.
      I did get gifted a couple of pheasants off a mate who shoots, the ex made a game pie, very nice too.

      • Pigeon is very nice,Mr.Cunt-Engine…although I wouldn’t eat one of those townie ones that you describe.

        I don’t mind pheasant but aren’t really that keen…my Father used to hang them until the body dropped off the neck…they weren’t just a bit “high”,they were fucking rotten. I tend to just cut the breasts off and eat them… chuck the rest away…can’t be bothered fiddling on with the whole bird

      • We used to call the town ones ‘ Docker’s ‘, as droves of them used to fly inland from Liverpool, to feast in the fields.
        Frosty one, today.
        Morning, Dick.

      • Those stumpy ones are the best Thomas!
        And easily caught using traditional ‘Greggs pasty and brick’ luring method.
        Morning All๐Ÿ‘

      • That’s normally the bait I use to entice fat, tattooed single mothers into my lair, MNC.

      • Not if they’re countryside ones,General…the pigeons that tend to nest in my sheds are the result of wild birds crossed with some fancy white pigeons that a fella in the village bought years ago.

      • My worst mistake was guinea-fowl….fucking things went native in the wood up the back of the house….the noise was dreadful…if as much as a fox farted 2 miles way,they’d scream the place down…the Hounds and I were nervous wrecks..didn’t get a wink of sleep for weeks until I finally managed to shoot the last of the appalling fucking things.

    • you can only eat the two little breasts and you need at least six for a casserole, rest is rubbish, gutting them with a crop full of seed is pretty disgusting too, smelly birds

  3. Lieutenant Pigeon had a granny playing the old joanna.
    Never eaten one, are they really worth it?

  4. I can recommend pan fried wood pigeon breast, served with a nice salad, drizzled with olive oil ๐Ÿ˜‹

    Serve with a nice glass of Chianti


    • Pan fried as opposed to toaster fried?
      Sorry CG, nowt personal, just being a cunt.
      Good morning foggy people.

      • My grandad was a big deal in the pigeon racing scene in the 60s-70s.
        Quite a bit of money involved,
        And like fishing and other hobbies is taken deadly serious.

        Bet racing pigeons are tasty?
        Theyre fed good quality grain and corn?
        Although I used to have to muck out the pigeon lofts for grandad and can safely say pigeons are dirty scruffy cunts that would put a p@ki to shame.

      • Sir H:
        No offence taken-reading it back, it does sound like pretentious wank-which I can promise, I am not.

        I will try harder to be less cuntish ๐Ÿ‘

  5. We came back off holiday, a couple of years ago, to find that a pair of them had made a nest above the front door.
    They raised two young.
    I used to shoot Wood Pigeon, years ago, they do make good eating.
    The sound of Wood Pigeons when they’re sat up in a tree, in summertime, is a very relaxing and I think, a very English sound.
    I also like Collared Doves.
    As do, the local Sparrowhawks.
    Good morning.

  6. At least you can eat the sky rats. Lorikeets are the flying pubic lice of Satan, are protected and have too little flesh on them to bother with.

  7. Pigeons have eyes on the side of their head like Ed Sheeran,
    Walk all jerky,
    Have two left feet like Di Abbott,
    And make a speech impediment kind of stutter,
    Sometimes have a cleft palate like Andy Burnham.

    They are stupid looking fuckers,
    Scavving cunts,
    And have the hygiene of a Extinction Rebellion protester.

    The more that end up in pans and sparrowhawk’s the better.

  8. Definitely worth eating. Along with anything that moved in the garden I used to have. I was out of work for a while and took it out on pigeons and squirrels, missus at the time went apeshit when she returned home to a blood bath on the patio. I ate the lot, and she just stared at me with a disapproving look. Squirrel was a bit tasteless, but the pigeons were very nice, as were the vegetables the cunts could no longer eat. Win win.

  9. I worked for years on a chemical plant that was infested with these fuckers due to all the steel girders.
    I’d call in the pest control to cull them.
    All work would stop as we watched the slaughter take place with the magpies finishing off any still alive.
    Who needs National Geographic and the Serengeti?

    • The refinery I was at used to get a block in with a Harris hawk – just the sight of it would make the pigeons fly off. They’d come back in about 3 months though.

  10. Its fucking seagulls or more commonly known as shitehawks in Cardiff, anyone who wanted to eats one of these fuckers would be dead in half an hour, filthy cunts are even worse than the rinky dinks

    • Some fecking CUNT puts down loads of grain or summat outside halal butchers, opposite Albany Rd PO.
      Needless to say, blood chav-pigeons and scatter gulls everywhere, shit, feathers & c. all over the bloody place. Dunno if the cunt is some daft old bag-lady (no shortage), or the halal types (again, no shortage).

  11. One fell down my chimney once. Managed to get it out via the log burner. Cleaned the chimney nicely with al the flapping on the way down. I let him go as he’d done me a favour and saved me a few quid.

    Apropos eating them – I’m sure my local Indian has served up a few disguised as chicken.

    • Mate had a jackdaw chick drop down his chimbley last year, noisy fucking things. He broke open the plasterboard and retrieved it… had it hand tame within the week and it’d fly to his hand with a click of the fingers!

  12. I could never be cruel to birds and animals…and why would I when there are so many humans cunts to hate anyway?

    When humans and their smugness eventually destroy themselves the birds will not go round poisoning the planet, causing wars and misery and they certainly won’t be obsessed by greed, possessions and disgusting behaviour.

    People who are cruel to birds make me wish this happens sooner rather than later.

  13. Sorry cunts but this cropped up concerning the Africa’s Cup.

    Farcical scenes in Tunisia-Mali Afcon match after referee twice blows final whistle before 90 minutes played

      • Question for a fellow Geordie. Is it racist to call someone a mackem if they’re just an ugly scruffy cunt and not actually from Sunderland?

    • What a shit show eh.
      Lord knows what’s gone on there.

      Apparently he blew for full time on 85 then on blew up again slightly before the 90, allowing zero added time despite there being penalties and VAR checks during the match etc.

      Strange but that’s Africa for you I suppose.

    • Aye, that ref made a right royal cunt of it. Apparently, he has made right royal cunts of matches before. FIFA need to give him his jotters, useless mong.

      Been a disappointing tourny so far, hope it picks up if not over the weekend then in the Round of 16.

      Glad it’s on as there’s fuck all else to do in January and TV is shit, although series 3, the final series of Ricky Gervais’ Afterlife is on Netflix on Friday…


    • Africa Cup? what the fuck is that.

      Who wins? the team that can stab or AK47 the opposition before embezzling some foreign aid money?

      • Africa has had this tourny since 1957, three years before the European Championships. It’s a great tournament, always unexpected shit happens, it just got off to a dull start. Cameroon v Ethiopia is on now, been a very good match. Cameroon 3-1 Ethiopia at present.

        I’d live in Africa if I could. Ghana sounds like a fun place. Our culture is so dull and tedious and complicated. Just get a wee job in Ghana, chill out drink beer for until I croak, then give me one of those colourful and crazy funerals where they chuck your csutomized coffin in the air while singing! Better than the rip-off depressing funerals we have here where people give awful, maudlin eulogies then people talk about the sandwiches for two hours.

  14. Don’t mind pigeons at all to be honest.
    Uncle used to keep them and race them like many a good northerner.

    Usually get a rag tag bunch of ferals and the odd fat wood pigeon scavenging around my bird feeder on the occasional morning but it’s few and far between.

    Seagulls and those fucking evil little bastard Magpies on the other hand…
    Now they are cunts.

  15. I can’t say that wood pigeons are cunts. I’ve seen them flying about, landing in trees, nothing else. Weak cunting.

    • With sooooo many cunts to choose from like Boris, that skinny tennis cunt and all the micro-celebs and “influencers” I would never support a nomination that advocates being cruel to innocent creatures.

      I will stick to cunting the real wankers of the world and leave the birds to flap around.

  16. One shit in my boot a while back. Was changing footwear under a lamp post after some healthy outdoor pursuits. Deliberate? I don’t know, but it made me question my very existence, the nature of the universe and the possibility of a vengeful god. Then I called it a cunt and threw pine cones at it til it flew away. When one cocks it’s head and looks you in the eye I’m pretty sure it’s wondering what your flesh will taste like. Don’t trust the cunts.

      • My old kitty used to bite me regularly, was’t hungry, just reminder who’s in charge. Said this before but it’s interesting how almost all animals do look at your eyes if you have any interaction with them. More going on in their little brains than you might think.

  17. A nom with which I can only agree enthusiastically, but it is is incomplete without a mention of those bastard African collared dove cunts, an invasive species reaching plague proportions across most of the country.. Also great at sitting on the chimney and hooting down it, and lacking the sheer lyrical variety of the common flying rat, they only have three notes, and two of them are the same: “crooo – cr’ – crooo”. They also mew like a strangled cat, when in flight. Despite the cunt Packham’s recent efforts, they are still a pest species and may be shot under the general license. Don’t let the neighbours see you, though.

    • Packham surely rates as a member of a pest species Komodo. Are we allowed to shoot him?
      More seriously, magpies, are we allowed to shoot those horrible black and white fuckers?

      • Shameful confession time – I rather like the crow family; very intelligent and crafty, and I reckon they eat more in the way of pests than their enemies realise. I don’t shoot them, and find jackdaws especially entertaining to watch. I do understand those who don’t, though.

      • Magpies, rooks, carrion crows and jackdaws all classed as vermin and legal to shoot all year round. Not sure about when Packham is in season. I like jackdaws but sometimes they need culling. Magpies should be destroyed at every opportunity. Each family kills hundreds of songbird nestlings and fledglings every year, instead of whining about cats and farming practises the springwatch cunts should start a campaign to eradicate magpies, if they actually give a shit about the birdies.

      • Aye, well. One reason for the (reluctant) inclusion of crows in the General License category was heavy pressure from the filthy rich cunts who breed pheasants for release and profitable massacre by shooting parties, so it’s one bird against another, isn’t it?

        Seriously, Magiccunt, I have trouble with the ‘killing songbirds’ argument. Sure, they do. Nature red in tooth and claw. But songbirds typically breed fast, and I’m pretty sure habitat destruction for intensive farming has a much greater effect. Cats, too. Is it cos magpies is black and white. and don’t trill attractively? Purely personally, I like to see magpies around as much as some multicoloured twittering twitcher-fodder lower down the food chain, and I don’t need a long lens to do so.

        But Packham gets both barrels from me for being a coruscating all-round cunt.


    • Not problem in the south west on the other hand the Gregg’s explosive seagulls have caused a real frosting on the screen. Had to take it to a bloody Romanian to clear it off I’m not dealing with that.

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