SPOILER ALERT (in case you haven’t seen it and plan to).
I love a good Bond flick, me. Pretty much everything Ian Fleming wrote has already been used for the movies, so I accept screen writers need to come up with original plots, villains, gadgets, etc. while still using the main character, James Bond 007, as the vehicle to tell the story.
However, what makes a Bond film different from a regular spy/action movie is the tried and true Bond formula. In a nutshell, a proper Bond movie has these characteristics:
– Bond walking across the screen to the Bond music, he suddenly turns and fires a single shot towards the camera, blood trickles down and we’re off!
– Opening action sequence featuring Bond up to no good, being discovered by baddies, a hot pursuit unfolds with Bond killing a bunch of them and escaping in some crafty way;
– Opening titles with a memorable song;
– Bond shows up at MI6 and gets his mission from M, usually with a bit of cheeky banter;
– A visit to the eccentric and professorial Q for some new gadgets;
– Multiple stop offs in exotic locations complete with seduction of beautiful women from whom he extracts information;
– Lots of action (fire fights, fist fights, car chases, etc.) coupled with amazing stunts;
– Bond gets captured and brought before the big villain;
– Big villain explains exactly how their dastardly plan will prevail and sets in motion Bond’s demise;
– Bond escapes, foils the dastardly plot, snags a beautiful woman and lives to fight another day;
– Closing credits;
That’s what the Bond audience expects from a Bond movie. Did we get that this time around? Did we fuck!
– We got the single shot to camera and trickling blood, but then we’re shoved into a 24 minute opening (non-action) sequence spoken in fucking French between mother and child that doesn’t even feature Bond at all! No explanation, no context and utterly confusing. I actually thought I’d put the wrong disc in the player.
– After 24 minutes we finally get the opening titles. Graphically OK, but oh my fucking christ what am I hearing? Bond themes should be special and memorable. In the past we’ve had classics from the likes of Shirley Bassey, Rita Coolidge, Carly Simon, Lulu and Paul McCartney and Wings (and I say that as someone who absolutely hates McCartney).
The last few Bond themes though have been absolute shite. Adele (Skyfall) and Sam Smith (Spectre) both utterly dreadful and instantly forgettable. However, the bar has been lowered even further this time around with an absolute dirge of vocal diarrhea from that green haired talentless slag, Billie Eilish.
I’d avoided assaulting my ears with her output thus far, but was caught off guard when she/it started warbling over the open credits. It sounds like she was off her face on drugs. The fact this piece of aural cak is associated with Bond is a tragedy.
– Bond doesn’t even work for MI6 anymore. He’s retired. Then he’s hired by the CIA to grab a scientist also wanted by MI6. In an attempt to grab the scientist before the CIA does, MI6 sends in the new 007 – a black woman. No, I’m not making this up.
– As the very convoluted story unfolds and unfolds and unfolds (it’s 168 minutes long), we find out the spotty teenager Q has The Gayness (how lovely and utterly pointless to the plot), the story is actually a continuation of the previous movie Spectre, the big villain from that movie dies, Bond’s main CIA contact (Felix) dies.
– Bond now has a daughter by some blonde tart who did/didn’t/did/didn’t betray him and just when you didn’t think it could get any worse, Bond saves the day on some remote island just as Royal Navy cruise missiles rain down and kill him. That’s right – they’ve killed James Bond. FFS!
Things are wrapped up with a toast to the dead Bond in M’s office and the blonde tart is seen driving away with Bond’s daughter in his Aston. The End.
What a load of old cunt.
A very funny piss take of the stupid plot and moronic direction can be enjoyed here:
Nominated by: Imitation Yank
Yikes! I may have to give this one a pass. Might watch Austin Powers trilogy instead.
Woke cunts clearly fucked it over good.
Thanks for the review IY. I am careful these days to not waste the minutes I have left on this Earth.
Chilli baby back ribs!
Agree 100 pc. Am just glad i ripped it off the Pirate Bay than pay to support that pile of shit.
Not to mention *Spolier alert again – but honestly just dont lose that 3 hours of your life :-
1. What the fuck was the story about anyway
2. What part of Villan was Rami Malek?
3. What was with bond on his knees crying and apologising – Roger Moore would have said take my house and family out Jaws you cunt – just let me drink and fuck 70s Pornstars
4. And top of the cake – who the fuck is Bille Ellish? Should have stopped when i first saw that munter Edele groaning out skyfall. Glad i could fast foward that song.
The only good thing about this shit fist WAS the end and taking the cunt out with a missile was the only thing good for him.
I disagree. I liked it. Complete nonsense of course and the plot was thinner than Big Daddy in an extra small leotard.
Agree about the theme tune though.
Best Bond fillum is The Living Daylights.
I think you tend to like the bonds that you grew up with, coming of age sort of thing, before you realize just how absurd it is. Probably when you’re about 12 and discovered the new Christmas Day Bond release after the Queen’s speech when the adults have passed out with turkey poisoning. The Spy Who Loved me in my case. Ably assisted by the moody, brooding Mrs Starkey ( Triple X!).
Being born in the mid 90s I like the Craig films for that reason.
No time to die ( plenty of time to sleep through this utter shite)
This cunt of a film ticked a lot of boxes
New Powerful ( possibly bi ) black female 007
Q if you were previously unsure is now as bent as a nine bob note , happily skipping around his kitchen waiting for his boyfriend/ film plot to turn up
Bond looks like he’s dating his daughter ffs!!
The baddy has all the menace of mr bean
And everybody else just looks old and fucking tired .
I liked casino royale and spectre but this dud belongs alongside other shite like quantum of something or another which had the worst pseudo hard man in the franchises history, the syrup wearing cunt who got shoved down the stairs! and skyfall , I knew I was in for a long night when Adele started singing “scaffold” , highlight of the evening was serial nag M getting the good news .
The hunts on for the new bond , will he be black? Maybe a lesbian? Who knows and if they are not careful who will care?
You whippersnapper you Jaded Cunt!
You’re cuntitude is very advanced for your years. May you have a long and distinguished cunting career!
Ha, thanks. I’m certainly a cynical fucking asshole at the best of times.
No Time To Die, full movie in 1080p:
It stank. It was weak and gay, sentimental and silly. They need to go back to the novels. Remake/reboot the first three, even set them in the 1960s, bypass the blue-hair brigade and have Bond be Bond as Fleming intended. Otherwise, CREATE SOMETHING NEW, you lazy showbiz cunts.
“Glang. Glang-a-lang-a-lang-a-lang-a-lang-a-lang-a-lang-alang, nobody does it better…”
One of my favourite clips CG. “Stop getting Bond wrong “ was great:-
This! It’s what immediately came to mind. Partridge would cunt this right up
Oh shit, I posted two links in one post, so my post is in moderation.
I like it. Already said this but considering the endless unoriginal dirge that’s pumped out by Hollyweird nowadays it’s nice to get something different. Cinema needed that ending imo.
Everything that is coming out these days seems to be woke shit with ethnics (black) stuck in there. A black woman as 007, what a fucking insult!
The character that is Bond coupled with the iconic number 007, is a strong resourceful male, not a fucking split arse.
On of my favourite bond lines from the Connery era
‘Do you like Redheads’
‘As long as the collars and cuffs match I don’t mind’
I liked Connery too. Seeing him as dressed as nip in You Only Live Twice with his dodgy wig always makes me smile.
I quite liked Brosnan in the role, he had ‘the look’ but Connery was the serial shagger 😉
If they haven’t already, ITV will be issuing warnings before all the old Bonds for this, and other perceived transgressions against wokery. They’ll probably offer counselling as well to appease the easily and perpetually offended.
I watched that over Christmas, Little Nellie etc. Loved that sequence when I was a kid.
That ‘you must become Japanese and take a wife’ scene is hilarious. Connery is the most absurd looking nip!
For the woke snowflakes, when Bond San asks what his new wife will look like, the chief nip replies ‘she has a face like a pig’.
That film must also be up there for the most absurd assassination attempt – dribbling poison treacle down a thread! He’s already successfully broken in while they’re fast asleep in their presumably post coital slumber. Why not just cut his throat or shoot him!?
Oops, this didn’t appear where expected, was intended as a reply to LL, film in question being You Only Live Twice.
Thanks for reviewing it for us, Imitation. Life’s too short, so I won’t be wasting any of it by watching woke shite.
For me the opening sequence of ‘The Spy Who Loved Me’ surpasses all others. The sight of the stunt man skiing off a mountain, discarding the skis in complete silence, then the Union Jack parachute opens and in comes the theme tune. Fucking brilliant.
The great Rick Sylvester paid $250,000 he did another fantastic drop on a rope in For your eyes only.
went to see it at the ficks with Lady C. Waste of twenty quid, although Lady C seemed to enjoy it. I fell asleep half way through. Black female 007? FFS.
Fucking Jemima Bond? Fuck off. Saw the film last week. Not bad but spoilt in parts by utterly pointless woke crap. What is it with this constant browbeating in all aspects of life now?? Josef Goebbels had nothing on these cunts. It’s like A Clockwork Orange. YOU WILL WATCH THIS AND COMPLY. And if the next Bond is a tart, puddle jumper or an ethnic cousin they can fuck off big time.
Welcome to NuBond. The name’s Bond, Blackbond.
The names Bond maannnnn…….I’ll have fried chiggin and reggae sauce in a bag maannnn, shaken abooot a bit but not stirred ya rasclat.
Bond should have ended with the last Ian Fleming story.
Of course, where there’s money to be made, they’ll flog the franchise to death.
It has become a Woke filled embarrassment.
How long before they start editing bits out of the old films, so as not to upset the snowflakes ? Like they’ve started doing with the Dirty Harry films
James Bond versus Supertran.
You read it here first.
Just Fuck Off.
Paramount film channel interestingly enough does not have any warnings before the film and they showed the Dirty Harry films in full, good for them, by cutting chunks out to appease the serially offended and bed wetters you end up losing a lot of context in the film.
The film notice should be – “Any snowflake who is frightened of their own shadow would be advised to switch over to something safe to watch right now, and the adults can now enjoy the film”
Everything, but everything woke touches turns to fucking shit. Cunts.
I stopped watching when Roger Moore quit the series.
Never seen one of these modern ones and probably never will.
Connery was a cunt in many ways but his Bond films were excellent.
A black, female Bond?
Surprised they didn’t make her obese and wheelchair bound too for good measure. I got the gist of this drivel after seeing a picture of Craig on the back of a fucking scooter driven by little Miss Dynamite.
As for that undernourished speccy nerd, is he called Q for queer? His twiglet limbs need to be snapped off and fed to rats.
Bollocks to Broccoli 🥦.
Does this mean the famed seduction scenes will from now on involve scissoring and munchng carpet?
Talking of woke, it seems M&S have change the name of their midget gems to mini gems. Apparently the term midget gems is hate speak.
They could’ve just put the midget gems on a higher shelf so that the people offended by them can’t see/reach them.
Just wait till Starmer’s Charmers take over the “script supervision”, no references to totty, no sinister foreign criminals, mre women and effnics involved. AnalEase Dodds stars as 007 and a half in “No Time To Shit Your Knickers” THat is if it is made in Britain, In the States it wil; be “No Time To Shag Ghislaine Maxwell”
Mr Boggs. Not forgetting loads of kiddie fiddling:-
Fell asleep watching it. 😴
I got a copy given me off a mate.
Missus watched it,
I don’t like Bond.
Hes a right little puff.
Met him once on holiday*,
“Hey waiter! Dont stand around with yer finger up yer arse,
Me glass needs topping up”.
If looks could kill!
Thats should be the name of the next Bond film.
‘if looks could kill’.
*Might of been just a homosexual in a tuxedo.
Fell asleep halfway through the nom. 😄
I spy, cum in your eye, no time to die!
Black female bond, side kick called Tickbox
Licence to stab.
A real agent wouldn’t look like that clotheshorse Bond.
Fuckin GQ magazine shite.
All expensive suits an flash watches and cars.
Hed look like most Home Office,
Sort of the peed o file look.
Short, balding, speccy, leccy car.
Civil partnership, fuckin vegan.
In other words a grade A twat.
Isnt that right GCHQ?
😂😂😂😂 Can’t see Bond getting much top quality vag with that description Miserable!!!
He wouldn’t need any, he’d be a fudgepacker, of course. And probably a Remainer.
All Remainers are fudge Packers. Some of them just don’t know it yet 😄
No need to fret about the spoiler alert IY, not a chance I will be watching anymore woke bond. It’s dead to me after Skyfall.
Last Bond I saw was the one with the invisible car and that hag Madonna. Bond jumped the shark years ago, and who wants to watch any ‘woke’ film, let alone a ‘woke’ Bond film?
Couldn’t give a shit about the “New Woke Bond” .It went off the rails decades ago, probably starting with Octocunty or Never Say Cunt Again or summat,
I suppose the new Bond franchise will appease delicate snowflakes who will only see white men as the bad guys, and there will be no more hurty names unless its aimed at those same white men blah blah.
Anyway, bollocks to Bond. He/She/It can shove their Thunderball up their Golden Eye for all I care.
“Do you expect me to talk?”
“No, Mr/Ms/Mrs/Miss/Them/They/It Bond. I expect you to protest and whine on your Twitter Feed!”
Now if you want a film with action, laughs, hot girls, etc
Thats good for all the family..
Smokey and the Bandit
Any which way but loose
The latter also contains monkeys!!
What more do you want?
Smokey and the Bandit 3…a masterpiece.
There’s a third film? I never even know.
Yep, there’s a third film and it features Sheriff Buford, a plastic fish, loads of crude humour but of course, there’s no Bandit.
Other films I recommend over this modern hyper budget bullshit are Cannonball Run 1 and 2, Convoy, The Gumball Rally and the original Gone in Sixty Seconds (1974)
You can take your super heroes, woke Bond and chick flicks and cram them up your ass.
Buford T Justice is much more interesting than that Gaylord Bond.
Hes a role model 👍
“You ever in the klan daddy?”
No, but your momma was!
Why, when she put on her sheets……
Like a iceberg with feet.”
The rough unlubricated insertion of a dark key 007,lots of apologising and added Gayness quite ruined it for me.
But Christ on a bike the bit in Cuba with Ana de Arnas (?) in half a dress perked me up for 10 minutes.
The dreadful meddling cunts.
The typecast cunt dies at the end as well, which is a tad unconventional…
Havent seen one since Goldfinger. That was shite so filed Bond along with Dr fucking Who.
I remember seeing Goldfinger when I was boy and being bowled over by the opening scenes in the Fontainebleau hotel in Miami Beach where Sean Connery discovers that Goldfinger´s a card cheat, makes him lose and apologize and then to rub it in screws Shirley Eaton to death – literally as it turned out. I never imagined in those days that I would ever go to Miami but I did several times and even had a drink in the Fontainebleau. However, I was badly shaken and stirred to learn that the scene had been made in Pinewood studios in England. Here´s a pic of a smiling Connery with some of the lovelies splashing around in the swimming pool.
Sean Connery – Fan account on Instagram: “Sean Connery on the set of Goldfinger (1964).
I’ve been a Bond fan for years with Connery and Dalton being my favourites.
Dalton did experience some wokeness In the shadow of AIDS, by not snagging anyone in The Living Daylights.
I’ve enjoyed Craig as Bond but the last film has a weak villian with Malek, and Waller-Bridge added all the bummery and wokness once she got hold of the script.
What the fuck are they going to do for the next film seeing as Bond is now dead?
Resort the old films, do some prequels?
You can’t have any of the old cast from the last film as Bond is dead and the continuity would be fucked up if they have a new James Bond. You can’t have a woman 007 called James, and dark keys playing Bond will count me out of ever watching them again.
To be honest, I think they really fucked up with this story with the retirement and death aspects. They have really shot themselves in both feet in every making another film.
Funny you should mention Dalton as I’m just watching Road House.