Being well into middle age I always thought gout was something that overweight, port swilling country gentlemen in tweed suffered from.

Oh how wrong I was.

A month or so ago, I felt a bit of pain in my big toe whilst perambulating the hound’s. Nothing to be concerned about and probably just bruised I thought.

The next day the pain got worse, In fact much, much worse as I limped around site in steel toe boots, trying not to be a miserable fucker to all who I encountered.

By the end of the day I needed help to pull off my site boots because my foot had swollen to twice the normal size. At this point I thought I had broken my toe somehow. Such was the searing, throbbing agony.

Getting in from work I needed something to take the edge off, so poured a large glass of single malt from the cupboard and downed it in one. Big fucking mistake.

It turns out that the last thing you need when suffering from gout is booze. I didn’t know this and spent the entire night in agony, trying not to let anything touch my toe. In this respect, I failed miserably and woke up screaming several times during the night when the duvet gently brushed against my foot.

The next morning I tried to get an urgent appointment with my GP. No dice. He is still hiding behind his sofa and the only way of getting this looked at was to head to A&E.

One taxi ride and a four hour wait in the company of pissheads and junkies later, it is confirmed as gout and some seriously strong anti inflammatory pills were prescribed, which eventually did their thing about 24 hours later.

Returning to work the following day and still limping like an aspiring rapper, I was surprised to find out how many other blokes suffer from this.

If any fellow cunters suffer from gout, you have my sympathy. It is one truly painful ailment that can go fuck itself.

Gout is without a doubt one colossal cunt.

Nominated by: Odin

(More info here – Day AdminNHS Link)

60 thoughts on “Gout

  1. You could’ve recreated that scene from The Pickwick Papers.

    Strange one this, if anyone ever mentions gout it brings to mind excess, booze and unhealthy living but I guess that’s not the case although “a large glass of single malt” on a regular basis will also bring heart disease, cirrhosis, high blood pressure and so on LOL

    The only guy I ever knew who had gout was wealthy, a boozer so maybe that has just re-enforced my views?

    Good luck with it.

    • It’s very painful apparently?
      Henry VIII was meant to suffer it.
      My missus had it a few years ago.
      Big toe up on the bed
      Couldn’t let the sheets touch it.
      Think your blood crystallises or something?
      And she’s teetotal.

      Hope you shake it Odin,
      Know you like fancy restaurants?
      Maybe give em a miss?
      My missus changed her diet and its not been back since.

  2. I had this a couple of times around 12 years ago and I can confirm it hurts like fuck. The stupid thing is that it’s not necessarily alcohol that sets it off, too many tomatoes can get it going. Allopurinol tablets have made sure there’s been no reoccurrence.

    • I suppose I’d better just clarify that in my case it wasn’t tomatoes but large quantities of cider on a daily basis that kicked off my episodes.

    • Allopurinol is great. My GP initially started me on the other stuff – colchecine, I think – on the 3rd day my guts were dying, in appalling agony.

      • I’m also on allopurinol as i started getting gout in my thirties.

        It fucking hurts but i’ve been fine for years since on the pills.

  3. Ouch! I know a couple of blokes who have had this and apparently it is mega mega painful. It’s even worse than having Lord Mandy’s winkle up your bum, although that’s probably more to do with humiliation than physical pain.
    Apparently it’s caused by too much red meat and alcohol but I ain’t no doctor so what do I know? We can only hope that the Jellyfish gets a good dose of it very soon.

  4. I have suffered from it on and off since I was 26 I’m now 55, had in all my toes feet, knees, elbows, thumbs(that really hurts) and fingers. All I can say now when I get it in my feet the pain is nowhere near as bad as I suspect the nerves are all fucked, that exquisite pain is reserved for when it attacks somewhere new. My old man and both grandads suffered with it. My particular trigger believe it or not is turkey, I haven’t touched it in 20 years apart from when my silly Mrs ordered me a ham and cheese sarnie in the lounge at Doha of course they subbed ham for turkey 8 hours of agony back to LHR.

  5. I’ve been having pain and burning sensations in my right foot for a few weeks now but being a bloke can’t be arsed with ringing the GP to be told he’s not seeing anyone.
    I get a burning/throbbing pain in the ball of my foot and on the side like in the photo but no real swelling but fuck by the end of the day I end up like your analogy of a rapper.
    I really should call the doc.

      • Naproxen is what they gave me in A&E. Takes a while to kick in, but the relief is heavenly.

        My Dad and Aunt also have it, as did my Grandad. So in this respect it is hereditary. Although I do love a steak and chips washed down with copious quantities of beer. Which probably doesn’t do it any favours.

        Morning all. Hope you have a lovely day!

      • Naproxen is good but Indometacin 50mg is almost instant and stops an attack (doc’s don’t seem to like prescribing it though for some reason – I think it can be quite dodgy if you keep taking it).

      • Indometacin Used to work well in the early days for me now it does fuck all. Same as Diclofenac and apparently that buggers your ticker up.

      • Morning Mikdys.

        My Dad gave me a bottle of ut of date Indometacin, which he says cost £5 per pill, which is probably why they are reluctant to dish it out.

        He now takes Allopurinol and hasn’t had a flare up since.

      • Indometacin works well for me – I keep a stock of it and when my right toe gets really painful I take some for a couple of days and I’m right as rain. It knocks the pain on the head almost straight away too. Maybe it still works for me because I don’t take it that often, only when it’s really bad (I’ve worked out a technique for keeping my right toe absolutely straight and not moving it which keeps the pain level tolerable). I used to get it in my left knee also which has me diving for the tablets straight away. However, since I had my knee replacement I don’t get this anymore👍

        My friend used to get gout constantly (I only get 2 or 3 attacks a year). The doc put him on permanent medication that completely stops it. I understand you can get this prescribed if it’s chronic (I’m not sure what he takes – I think it might be Alopurinol or Feboxostat). Daily tablets for life sort of touch.

  6. Never had it myself sounds grim.
    Booze appears to enhance many ailments especially later in life.
    I can say as a neat rum drinker I was getting up a couple of times a night with an enlarged prostate. Changed the rum to a hot chocolate and what a fucking difference. I’m going about 7-8 hours now.
    I always knew that booze and caffeine made things worse but couldn’t give up the rum

  7. moggie63 is right about the tomatoes. My ex-father-in-law suffered from this and the five pints a day didn’t help either.

  8. Patriarchs in 19th century novels usually suffered from gout. It was not something working people got, mainly because they were dead by their late 30s. The fact that you, a working man, has/had it Mr Odin is a sign of the times. The fault of the boomers.

    Of course, we will soon be back to the 18th century and ships will be made of wood again. Once we reach net zero, and the vakzine roll out is complete. De-emancipation of the serfs is the Number 1 priority according to Whitehall toffs. Working people really should know their fucking place.

    Good morning, everyone.

    • Funny how in those days, the well-to-do always used to go on about ‘drink being the curse of the working classes’ as tho a pint after 15 hours down t’ pit was the root of all evil.

  9. Wait until you get it in the knees – that’s when it becomes a real bitch (even sitting down you can’t avoid moving them slightly and the pain doesn’t go away)😁

    • That’s the reason Supermum Stella “get yer tits out” Creasy always looks so miserable.

      Time was when keen Stella by starlight would get her cello out and entertain the Blair guests after dinner and regale them in a miasma of music, but, alas, these days, she cannot get her legs open to scratch her instrument. Or anybody elses.

  10. I knew an ex-RM Captain, who owned a swanky country pub.
    He suffered with it in his hands.

    I suggested that eating red meat from his kitchens and swigging 8 bottles of Special Brew a day, probably didn’t help.

    His response: I would be eBen more miserable as a tea-total vegetarian 🤔

    He was in his eighties, so he wasn’t about to change….

      • Stand up? The fucker used to drive home.

        The pub was frequented by rich cunts-they were all “at it”.
        The cunts.

  11. Mercifully never had it, but if the pain I sometimes get in my back is any indicator, you have my deepest sympathies Odin. It sounds like an absolute cunt and no mistake. Good luck mate, hope you can get to grips with it.

    Morning all.

    • Ron-that pain in your back could be when Mrs Knee goes hunting out your “G-spot” and hasn’t filed her nails 😢

      Remember what Gandalf said about the dwarves “mining too deep” and waking something “foul, in the depths”.

      • Morning CG.
        I’m very happy to report that she has the touch of an angel in that regard.
        So does our gp when she slips the old glove on twice a year, but with her it’s purely business. I once said to her ‘I don’t fancy your job much’. ‘Oh, seen one, you’ve seen ’em all’ came the matte-of-fact reply.
        Mind you, once you’ve had a prostate biopsy, anything else is bliss by comparion.

  12. I’ve suffered with a mild form it for the last 5-6 years ,
    There’s no visible sign like reddening of the skin or swelling but it feels like my big toe is broken ( which I’ve done a few times for real)
    Many things can set it off and everybody will have different triggers , mine is red wine and shellfish which is a cunt as I like both .
    I can go a year without an attack then have a couple in 6 months ..
    Best thing I’ve found is the minute I feel soreness in my toe is to batter it with naproxen ( originally prescription but I now get it myself ) , caught early it seldom turns into a full attack which can be a week of hobbling around in sandals as Wearing shoes is excruciatingly painful….
    Also doctor told me to drink more water apparently that’s good too….
    I’m just lucky mines mild as full blown gout is a truly nasty Cunt …….

    • This is very true.
      I once tried all manner of things to get rid of a verruca, but nothing worked.
      Cunters came to my aid with advice about using duct tape, and bugger me if it didn’t shift the cunt.
      IsACers are a mine of infomation on such things.

  13. I get this occasionally and can confirm it is truly painful. It´s like a mixture of a bolt of electricity shooting through your joints and then being set on fire. A doctor once gave me a list of proscribed food which made me laugh as it included things I would never eat like goose, grouse (the bird not the famous one), venison, shellfish, sweetmeats etc. It also included alcohol but no chance I would ever give up my beer and wine allowance.

  14. I got it at the tender age of 22 while I was living in Hong Kong. I had my first proper job out there and spent all my money on steak and beer. I knew it was time to see the doctor when I tried to cross a busy road and got stuck halfway, genuinely thought I’d broken my foot, and had to crawl to the other side.

  15. One of my uncle’s had really bad gout years ago. I remember him saying the only thing that helped after trying different prescriptions was really hot footbaths to alleviate the intense pain he got in his feet its worth a shot. Also maybe ease off on tobacco if you smoke like a chimney

    Oh fuck here I am sounding like a armchair doctor seriously tho that shit ain’t good for you hope you get better

  16. As a previous cunter mentioned gout is caused by crystallization of uric acid in the joints. The uric acid comes from excess purines in the blood caused by eating foods rich in purines.

    But that’s not the whole story. As some other cunters have mentioned, there seems to be a genetic or hereditary factor. It is considered a kind of autoimmune disease like arthritis. This seems to be why some suffer with it from the merest whiff of those foods while others can eat them with impunity.

    The intense pain and swelling is the result of what’s caused an inflammatory cascade or cytokine storm. Most of the drugs mentioned here are anti-inflammatories that treat the symptoms.

    Something else to consider is boosting your vitamin D levels. Vitamin D us actually a hormone that regulates the inflammatory cascade. It does about a million other good things too and most people in Northern latitudes don’t get enough, especially in winter, since it’s made in the skin by sunlight. Ever wonder why people with ‘rheumatism’ seek out sunnier climes for relief?

    My advice to all cunters is supplement with vit D3, about 5000 – 10000 IU per day, especially in winter or if you spend all your time indoors. Which is way more than the doctors say you need but they know fuck all about this.

    If you want you can buy a mail in blood test from Amazon to check your levels.

    I had one attack of gout a few years ago, started boosting my vit D levels and haven’t had one since. Could be a coincidence of course but I saw a load of other health improvements too.

    You’ll never hear about this in the mainstream because there’s no profit in it for pharmaceutical companies who suppress information about the benefits of supplements, the cunts.

    • I was taking 2000 IU per day. I’ll start taking 10,000. It’s a cheap substance. You can buy a year’s supply for £8-15.

    • Not sure about that. I was taking 5000IU of Vit D a day for over a year and I had a constant headache. I brought it down to 2000 and the headaches vanished overnight.

  17. BTW I’m not sure gout is linked so much to food types/alcohol as much as is made out. I think it’s more hereditary than anything else. I can eat cheese, chocolate and drink loads of wine and beer and not get a problem with it. Then, randomly I get an attack and the Indometacin knocks it on the head if need be.

    If I was getting attacks after drinking or eating certain food types I’d ask to go on permanent medication like my friend (who could drink for England!).

  18. Good nom.

    I’m 31, and like most of us here, I thought it was the preserve of fat old red bastards who drink too much and eat swan.

    Now, I am fond of the sauce. I’m writing this post in a pub. However, I do take care of myself by working out three times a week, hiking, and I’ve been off the fags for a while.

    Anyway, rewind to August 2021. I woke up with a throbbing thumb on a sun-kissed Buxtonian morning. The other King Cunt said to me “you silly fucker, you’ve got gout at last.”

    I brushed it off and went about my work. My thumb proceeded to swell in size throughout the day until it looked like a horse’s cock on a mouse. Cue evening beer to numb the pain. Christ, it hurt.

    The next day the thumb is still visible from the Moons of Jupiter. I eventually get an appointment with my doctor who, after some lies on my side, prescribed me the Allopurinol and the attack subsided.

    Now, don’t get me wrong. Being an old pisshead doesn’t help. However, we’d been given a load of beef tomatoes from our mate Mark’s allotment. I’d been eating them with a vanload of salt for the best part of a week before the flare up.

    I have laid off of beef tomatoes since. No more gout.

    AFAIK, not the beer’s fault.

  19. Odin

    From a fellow sufferer its a pain no one knows of.

    The steel cap boot, have experienced the same. Complete Cunt,

    And im not a portly cunt in tweed. i tried all to make sure it doesn’t come back and without wanting to sound like mumsnet, as i know the pain heres what you need to know and do.

    Its an allergy to Purine. The purine creates uric acid so high it forms razor sharp crystals that travel through the blood and cant filter in the really fine joins. So they crystalise more and stab you – which is why it feels like cunts sticking pins into a throbbing infection. Google what foods have purine and you will see its alot more than just the bad stuff. Vitamins that counter act it (so you dont have to give it all up are) 1000 mg of Vit C 25000 IU of beta carrotine Siberian Ginsing and 1000 iu of vitamin E daily. Cunts may mock for taking all this but it will balance it off. It can come back in wrist, elbow and indeed fingers. Its a life sentence as well so good luck with it.

  20. My other half gets a gout attack every 18 months or so – his foot swells up so badly he can’t wear a shoe on the foot. The last episode lasted 6 weeks.

  21. Fuck me…. I came to this nom a bit late, seems every cunt on isac has or knows someone with gout. All rich, eat tomatoes, alcoholic tea totallers, with a penchant for game, beef, fish, and ale….. I’m fucked.

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