Having a Dump

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(Enjoy your breakfast while reading this nom! – Day Admin)

My arse is a cunt.

Now now. Don’t go thinking I take it up there. That has nothing to do with this nom.

I’m 51 years old but try and keep a bit healthy, in the between the smoking and the drinking.

That said, I don’t understand why the consistency of my shits are so different now to what they were as a 20 and 30 year old.

I try to stop myself farting, just in case it’s liquid, and I need to run to the fuckin’ loo (or, as Lord Fiddler would say) one of his six loos.

Fuck this shit, literally (I hope not! – Day Admin).

Nominated by: Dark key cunt

38 thoughts on “Having a Dump”

  1. Sounds like you need checking about by a medical professional or you have become more sensitive to diet variations as you have become older.

    Good luck, old chap. A shart, or fear of, should not be at the head of the queue upon your daily awakening.

    • Some people like to read
      Some people like to meditate
      I do both while on the khazi having a crap .
      Its a sanctuary, a place to think.
      A nice big greasy shite curled out too.
      đź‘Ť Magical.
      DKC sounds like your belly is telling you something?
      Maybe watch what your eating?
      I know im wasting my time telling you to cut out spicy stuff what with being of indian heritage, but cut back maybe?
      A shit is something to enjoy not worry about!

  2. The sacrifices admin makes to find a picture of Gina Miller. Time for a gin, a lot of gin.

  3. “I don’t understand why the consistency of my shits are so different now to what they were as a 20 and 30 year old.”

    It’s not rocket science: your guts are simply reacting to the state this country is in now. Hope that helps.

    Morning all. 🌞

    • Very true Ruff. During the aftermath of Brexit much of the country experienced a log jam with neither side prepared to give an inch.

      Morning Ruffers, your about early, is last nights vindaloo about to rear its ugly head?

      • Morning LL.

        I’ve been suffering from early morning (4am) waking recently. According to the internet doctor it’s a symptom of geriatric depression or dementia… no mention of last night’s vindaloo however, which is yet to reveal itself in all its glory. Once I’ve had me Bran Flakes, probably.

    • Ruff@
      I feel sorry for Dark key cunt,
      Hes the same age as me,
      But his tummy sounds older.
      Can we have a whip round and get him some All Bran®?
      Maybe some bog roll ?
      Hes like a Indian Jamie Oliver
      (Makes a mess in the pan).

      • Racist ! Racist ! Whip around is racist ! It’s now go fund me (which deserves a cunting of its own)

    • What ever you rear canister vomits out, what with the so called shortage of Chemical, solutions now not available for the private water companies, they do not now have to pay for to increase share wealth, another benefit of Brexshit for them.
      It could be down to the simple fact as out raw shit is being poured into water courses, with the blessing of the big shit his cunt self, Bozo the Bog Brush, it probably due to the fact when your sat having a cuppa, you are actually recycling your own shit!.

  4. Same here. IBS is to blame. You get more sensitive to certain things as you age. It’s literally a pain in the arse. Sharting is just a way of life now.

  5. Nothing more embarrassing than a wet fart, particularly if you are sitting on your mother in laws cream sofa at a family gathering when it happens. But no need to worry dark- key. Just moderate your diet. Weetabix and Alpen do it to me.

  6. As said above, all about diet. Get some Metamucil India ( see what i did there!! ) and you will be fine. Also see GP for B12 injection, should sort that shit out in no time!! Good luck.

  7. They say that cockroaches ( and a certain tribe of pedestrians) are the only things that would survive a nuclear holocaust….I’m not so sure about that…when I lifted the cover of my old septic tank,there were some tiny white frogs hopping about on the crust…if they can survive getting regularly bombed with my bowel-movements,I’m guessing that a direct hit from a “Fat Man” style device wouldn’t unduly trouble them.

    I must get in touch with the Chinkies…they can study the fuckers. at Wuhan and then eat them.

    • I’ve never been too keen on prawns since a friend told me that most of them come from the Far East where every village has a pond which serves as their septic-tank…apparently this pond is where they also raise the prawns.

      I wonder if I should buy a few live lobsters and chuck them into my septic-tank to fatten up ?… a real “signature dish” for my next exclusive dinner-party.

      • It is well known that fish love feeding on human shite.

        When sewerage companies suffer light sewage spills into rivers and streams, the fish think Christmas has arrived early.

      • The fish that congregate around dame Elton’s effluent pipe must be in for a real smorgasbord of epicurean delights.

  9. My guts have been off a bit since the withdrawal from Kabul.
    Is it some kind of plot I wonder?

  10. Lots of qualified doctors. Get an appointment. If you fucking can with a lot of the NHS hiding behind covid. (not all)

    Owen Jones receives two turds through the mail everyday.
    What I want, who’s sending the other one?

  11. Shit, shower, shave – the perfect hat trick. Getting them out of sync is definitely a cunt. Sometimes waiting for the shit to ensure the correct sequence is also a cunt.

    In olden times, studying the colour, consistency and odour of the monarch’s motions was likely to reveal clues as to how well the day would go at court. Nowadays wise men study Chris Whitty’s shits to see what new nightmares are coming down the pipe. Oops, nearly stumbled into the banned area of Covid there, but I think I may have got away with it (note, ‘got’ not ‘gotten’)….

    Good morning, everyone.

  12. The smoking and the drinking will do that, especially the drinking. Unless it’s a dash of whiskey, that’ll dehydrate your turds until they resemble brown concrete pinecones.

  14. I found my tolerance to curries (as I will persist in calling them) declined with age, until quite a mild one gives me some intestinal discomfort. Paradoxically, fibre may be your friend here, and I’d give raw carrots, apples and Weetabix a chance to shine if you don’t already. It will frighten the hell out of whatever gut bacteria are giving you the sharts. But seeing an MD would be a good move if that doesn’t work.

  15. DKC – sorry to hear you get the runs. I have had the opposite problem a couple of times, it’s all down to what you eat. The first time it was ice cream, the second time it was yoghurt. I no longer eat these things, maybe you should try them.

  17. Good luck seeing the quack. DKC get it sorted, tell the inquisitor/ receptionist some discomfort/pain is involved too. That will back the dragon off and get you seen.

  18. Never trust a fart over 50 DKC. I find the same thing. Only difference is when I go abroad, no problem, nice and firm. I drink ale, so put it down to that, as when abroad, I have to drink women’s watter.

  19. Is the nomination picture taken of someone on the toilet whilst in a boat and it is tilting on one side?

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