The Census

The Census is a cunt.

First I heard we were having one was on the BBC News at 10 tonight. Of course they were interviewing an LGBTQI++ couple saying how great a gay census is. It is also online. I asked Mrs Pillar how you are informed to fill in the online form. She said you get an email. What? Does the government have an email address for everyone in the UK? Including people over 75 that don’t have a computer?

The Welsh and Northern Ireland are doing it at the same time as England. It is devolved so viewers in Scotland won’t do it until next year – well that’s really handy for a single nation isn’t it?

It used to be that you could get a fine if you didn’t fill the fucker in. It is now all online and biased towards LGBT, immos, assorted Eurotrash and other cunts. How are they going to get responses from everyone?

I remember my dad getting really worried about filling in something trivial about 1986 like, “We could get fined if we don’t tell them how much spaghetti we eat”. Fucking Tesco’s and Amazon know more about me than the fucking government know by taking a census. Fucking cheeky poke nosed bastards.

Take your out of date census and shove it up your arse you cunts.

Nominated by: Anton Pillar

80 thoughts on “The Census

  1. Wasn’t there one of these back in the early 70s?
    I can remember as a kid seeing news footage of people burning the forms in the street, much to the consternation of Michael Barrat off “Nationwide”
    Or was it Bob Wellings? Fuck I’m old…😁

  2. Forgot to do mine. Waiting for a knock on the door by a pensioner busybody in a hi viz and lanyard in the very near future. I doubt it will be the same old crab as a decade ago when mine got mysteriously lost in the post as she must of been around 70 then!

    Fuck off!

      • I mean how have we ACTUALLY come to this. Male, Female, Other.

        Even George Orwell couldn’t have foreseen that on an official government form-there would be 3 choices : male, female other.

        I mean back in 1948 if you had shown George Orwell what would be a question on the 2021 census, namely-‘Do you identify with the gender you were assigned at birth?’ He wouldn’t have believed you.

        I have been asked that question. Or did ‘Sarge’ ask it differently. Yes ‘Do you identify as a man or woman?’ He asked. ‘I was born a male child’.

        This was in a police station. Where the law is executed.

        Should have said ‘but you are breaking the (natural) law by asking that question?’

        YOU ought to be arrested.

  3. All households should have had a letter through the post, you are right that there is a bias towards doing it online.

    I only filled out the mandatory fields until it came to the end where you could leave comments, which I did, along the lines of…..

    ‘This census only picks up people you already know about through things like HMRC, Department of Work and Pensions, Council tax and so on. The money this is costing would be better spent rounding up all the illegals in the country and shipping them out’

    Fuck the cunts!

    I am now classified as a Racist Bigot 😂

  4. Did the whole thing online, took about 15 minutes. A load of really stupid questions that the idiots concerned already know the answers to.
    Pointless load of shite…

  5. I refused to do it, but Lady C gets worried about the “knock on the door” and filled it on online. The last census I had some Student Grant type who kpet coming back and mithering me about doing it. I think he came 2-3 times then never saw him again. Fucking census – waste of time as they have no fucking clue about all the illegals.

  6. All the questions about bottybashing and sexual identity. What the fuck is that all about?

    And how will all the hordes of Dooshkas, Stakipanis and Daktaris fill the fucker in?
    I bet no cunt who lived in Grenfell Tower would have got one of these letters.
    Simply because the twats shouldn’t have been here in the first place.

  7. We didn’t receive any email.

    We received a letter in the post, along with an explanatory leaflet. The letter included a “household access code” to enable us to complete the form online.

    To say it was simple would be an understatement.

    The letter also said we could request a paper form by calling a freephone number.

    Fuck knows what they’ll make of my religious and sexual orientation. 😂

    • The Church of the Innappropriate Horn is not a recognised religion. You will have to fill another fucker in.

      • Oh dear.

        Btw, Cuntstable, do you know if “Lesbian in a man’s body” a recognised sexual orientation?

        If not, fuck them! That’s all they’re getting out of me.

  8. I see no box for “English” ( ethnicity )
    I see no box for “Straight”
    I see no box for “Normal”

    In short, its shite!

  9. Cunts! Just keeping tabs on the people they know about already. If i’ve got an illegal immo or wanted Jihadi living in my drum am I putting it on the census form?
    I wonder if the crisp muncher put his imaginary foreign friend down? Best not……might involve paying tax.

  10. Give your info to the government in 1900 when the only contact most people had was the Post office was all well and good. Today google has everything that can be manipulated to get rid of a sitting President. Fuck the census, the cunts will make exactly what they want out of it.

  11. At least it gives us an idea as to the levels of ‘enrichment’.

    I think this will be the last census where racial characteristics are included. Indeed, if they find this time that ‘enrichment’ is much higher than estimated, they might try to hide it anyway.

    Because if they have to say the honky man is a minority in the UK, the chippy cunts won’t be able to cry ‘wayciss honky’ quite as easily. I have no doubt they’ll still try it though.

  12. Do they knock on parking Stanley’s asking them if they are poofery inclined? Bet that bloody don’t! Talking of parking Stanley’s have to seen the news about parents protesting because a teacher show a picture of Mohamed? Piss be upon him, ffs, I despair with this country, I’m going to wipe my arse with a picture of Mohamed after I have done a big shit, probably not a good idea maybe, it might make me a homo

    • This was the Islamic state of Batley in the Caliphate of West Yorkshire so probably unwise. The last poor cunt to do this was beheaded for insulting the religion of peace.

    • To the tune of the Banana Splits theme, or a more mellow version to Bob Marley’s Buffalo Soldier:

      Fuck Allah! La-La-La-La!
      Fuck Allah! La-La-La-La!

      • I remember a Saturday afternoon at Derby station.
        We had played Derby and there was a load of what we took to be mouse limbs.
        They didn’t like it when the Wednesday boys started to sing “there’s only one Salman Rushdie “

      • The census-keeping cunts gainfully employed👎

        I filled in ours-simple, quick, waste of fucking time.

        Questions about hours worked (reduced because of lockdown) was pure snooping.

  13. If you’re ill does your owner:
    1) threaten you’ll be out if you don’t keep working?
    2) pretend they’re you then become loud and nasty at a hospital so difficult questions aren’t asked?
    3) bring you a cheapo packet of paracetamol?

    Did you arrive in Britain:
    1) in the back of a Gerhard’s lorry for £6 grand?
    2) in Pavel’s hidden car compartment for £6 grand?
    3) on Rudi’s shitty boat with 35 other cunts for £6 grand?

    Do you sleep:
    1) in a greedy farmer cunt’s disgusting dormitory?
    2) at the back of a Hand Car Wash?
    3) chained to a radiator awaiting “clients”?

    For which spiritual leader do you wish to commit atrocities:
    1) The Pope
    2) Allàh, prophet of peace, bringer of calm.
    3) Quing-Shem, nail bar owner.

  14. Why it is essential for the gubbimint to know where you like to place your Bob Mellish, i.e. within a lady’s meatbag or through some duckie’s cheesy backdoor, or both places depending upon how you feel, I fucking shudder to think.

    The fact that you have Mohamed, Moses, Mukhtar, Arsalan, Asad and Aashfa all crammed together in some stinking potting shed in the rear garden of a rented Southall slum and thousands of other similar living arrangements, really makes the census nothing more than a paperwork exercise to keep a whole load of overpaid, underworked, pen-pushing cunts in employment (with our taxes).


  15. What a heap of crap. Everyone was fucking at home because of lockdown you bureaucratic cunts.

    The question about service veterans was probably so that they could be taken away to be experimented on in a secret lab full of loony scientists, looking to weaponise new strains of Covid that only attack Brexiters.

    Information about the whereabouts of females under the age of 16 will be shared with the rape gangs on a purely equable basis in the interests of multi-cultural goodwill.

    ‘Take the vakzine, complete the Census, suck Simon Stevens’ cock.’

  16. Someone who filled this in might be able to help me out. Were there any questions in this census asking how much you earn and how much you have saved?

  17. I don’t mind answering when I was born, what nationality and all that but I drew the line at answering what is my sexual orientation – that is not the business of the state. How intrusive I thought. Glad it was a voluntary question.

    However, I did answer the one about are you the same gender as your birth sex as a resounding yes so the govt don’t get the idea that the squeaky wheel is actually the entire car.

    • So if you’re gay, it’s very unlikely you are going to have biological children. Therefore you might need less children services etc. You might be able to adopt. If you got loads of trannies with dicks they might need to install some more secured toilets to stop the bloke hybrids don’t start getting their cocks out walking through the womens toilet door etc. It all has a meaning.

  18. They’re probably doing it so they can herd all the white, straight and English people into ghettos..

    The next Nazi Party will be black.

    • At Egghead HQ they have noticed a trend of high soy intake and low testosterone levels in Islington, Brighton and Bristol.

    • When will they come to their census?
      We arent to be fit neatly into boxes and labelled!
      Its not that straight forward.
      Just tick everything
      The nosey bastards can make out whatever they want from it.

      • It actually used the word ‘Straight’ in the sexual orientation bit. But surely that word is loaded from years passed when it was coined as a way of distinguishing yourself from someone who was ‘Bent’
        The question on the Census should hsve been-‘What sexual orientation are you? A) Straight. B) Bent. C)Other.

  19. Imagine 100 years hence, if the planet survives and someone is researching their family tree.
    It’s fucking hard enough now without having to work out who had a c*ck and who didn’t.
    I was going to add I’d rather have a cock but somebody made that mistake on a previous post.

  20. I wanted an old fashioned postal one so I could take a shit in the return envelope.
    The fucking digital age!

  21. My uncle used to be high up in the Scottish Census and he said it was a nightmarish clusterfuck organizing the data. Doesn’t the Office of National Statistics have a better clue of the who, why and what of British citizens? Or us someone says above, Amazon probably have their finger more firmly on the pulse of the nation than the cunts in the government.

    Anyway, by the next census the population of Britain will be about 6 million and eight of those will be honkies kept in zoos like in Planet of the Apes.

    • Out of the 6m there will be 25000 in the House of Lords and 39m on other benefits who have never worked. Construction companies will be paid massive subsidies to build 58 bedroom houses for the peacefuls, their 4 wives and 14 kids each, plus 3 generations of ‘family’ who will have paddled over on the Royal Navy. If I live long enough for the next one I am going to declare my sex as wheelie bin.

  22. It’s all a big wankpile to try and prove how Britain is now ‘diverse’ thanks to SaTony Blair’s shite from 1997 onwards. Stick it up your cunt sideways on fire.

  23. Invasion of privacy. Outdated snooping. What will it tell us ? Those who are supposed to be here filled in a form, those who didn’t are still going under the radar. Banging on every door and asking for your passport during lockdown would have been much more effective. Those who couldn’t provide valid documentation should be sent Unkle Terry’s for smelting down.

  24. I don’t really see the issue with filling in the census. It’s used to improve services and your personal data isn’t released for 100 years. Go on Ancestry and try to look for Cencus 2011. Nout! Hope this gives the conspiracy people some hope. Although in 100 years time some of the less backward looking people might be like what the fuck my uncle identified as a toaster might throw up a few questions for the heir hunters.

    My sisters bloke is black and he was really anti filling it out. Although he is a UK Citizen. Bonkers. How do you expect anything to change if the government doesn’t have any data?

    If everyone fills out they have the qualifications of a nat, it’s clear as day labours education, education, education was frankly a complete load of bollocks.

    • It is supposed to improve services? Been waiting for them to improve since the last census in 2011, and still waiting. Over to you to explain how they have improved…….. In your own time Clown, got ten years to wait for your answer

      • I’m in the same boat, I’m still waiting too. Fook me I’m 32, been through the worst recession ever and then get an even worst recession. I don’t see it improving until these fucking EU suck asses are kicked out. What can I do? Fuck all. I filled in my form, they can roll it up and shove it up there arse for all I care. However it is accurate.

  25. I was as annoyed with the section of what mental illness you suffered from as I was about the gender bollocks. At least the actual gender issue was dealt with early on, as there was only male or female you could choose, and it was later on you could identify with all the silly shit. The religious crap was a whole section, and I wanted a box that just said sane. It’s the 21st century for fucks sake.

  26. I did not partake of this cunt of invasiveness. Will post here if I get “knock at the door”, they need to form an orderly queue behind the debt collectors who will be disappointed, and TV licence enforcers that will be equally disappointed, and labour MPs, who will be forcibly evicted off the premises (Even if I hated the tories I could never vote for a party with Diane Abbott in it)

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