Things To Do are a cunt. There’s always loads of them and they never go away. Have you heard this refrain or something like it before?

Her; ‘You’re supposed to be cutting the hedge today. You said you would’.
Me; ‘Yes dear, but it’s bloody hot out there just now in that sunshine’.
Her; ‘Well it’s gone cloudy now so you could get started…’.

Women, I find, tend to love Things To Do, by which they mean Things For YOU To Do. I think it’s something in their DNA. They just can’t bear the fact that you’re sitting with your feet up having a beer, even when they’re sitting with their feet up after a half hour’s back-breaking labour watering the fucking house plants.
The wife keeps a list of Things To Do, and rides shotgun on it. No sooner do I finish the job at the top of the list than another gets added to the bottom.

Her; ‘When are you going to fix this wardrobe door? It’s about to come off’.
Me; ‘You could do it, dear. Just needs a screwdriver’.
Her; ‘Anything involving a screwdriver’s your job. Anyway, you need to stay active.’.
Me; ‘Fair enough dear. Er, speaking of keeping active, how about a quick…’.
Her; ‘Mmm…well… I’ll think about it. No, NOT now. Later. When you’ve washed up as well mind’.

Oh, but she’s bloody good with the old carrot and stick, is the missus. She takes a devilish pleasure making me wait until I’m slavering like a Pavlovian dog, the saucy little minx.

Her; ‘Are you and that computer joined at the hip? You’re not on “x-hamster” again are you, or that “Is A Cunt” thing?’.
Me; ‘Just checking “Newsnow Aston” for a transfer news update, my sweet’.
Her; ‘Humph, bloody Villa. I sometimes think you think more of them than me’.
Me; ‘How could you possibly think that, heart’s delight, after we’ve been together for so many seasons?’.
Her; ‘Very funny. Just don’t be getting any ideas about me wearing your Villa shirt again tonight unless that rubbish in the garage has been shifted’.
Me; (already hyperventilating); ‘Really, will you, honest?’.
Her; ‘I might… or I might not… We’ll see. Depends on whether that stuff gets moved’.
Me; ‘I’ll start immediately, my angel; no sooner. And *a-hem* you’ll put on the *cough* stockings and susp…’.
Her; ‘Play later means work now, so shift yourself!’.

Sorry must go. I’d love to chat some more but I know which side my bread’s buttered. Things To Do, you know, Things To Do…

Nominated by Ron Knee

May I nominate ‘Woke’ EastEnders who have stepped up their BBC bullshit over the last few weeks.
Not only did they have a ‘pride’ episode a week or so ago but the jewel in their progressive crown is to come as murderer Bobby Beale will covert to the religion of piss as he turns “his life around and becomes a valuable member of the community.” Those aren’t my words but those of a Muslim charity who are working with scriptwriters on the story.

EastEnders showing Bobby Beale’s conversion to Islam is not just brave, it’s crucial

I don’t watch much on telly and EastEnders is a big no no in my living room but surely people must be waking up to the so called progressive values being rammed down their throats?

Apparently Muslims are poorly betrayed in the media. The metro “journo” used the drama series ‘Three Girls’ as an example, which as I understand was about the Muslim grooming gangs and the subsequent cover up. None of the mainstream media companies would even allow you to comment or to air an opinion about Islam. Ever.

If you want people to see Islam as something better than it is then reform, stop worshipping a Paedo and take a fucking bath.

Having said all this I can’t wait for next year’s EastEnders pride episode. Could be explosive. The whodunit might be crap. It was the white bloke in a suicide vest in the Queen Vic. Hardly fucking Cluedo is it?

Nominated by Itchen Cunt

Terry Alderton, alleged comedian.

I’d lived in blissful ignorance of this cunt until I heard him on the radio this evening. Evidently, he has mental health problems that he likes to incorporate into an act. At one point, the silly cunt was barking like a dog and hearing voices. I’m not often taken aback, but rarely have I heard such a self indulgent, piss poor excuse for entertainment. I would rather have listened to someone straining on the bog. I dread to think how much this cunt is being paid. And,having looked him up on Google, the cunt resembles Uncle Fester on crack.

Nominated by Mary Hinge

A green emergency cunting please for signing a no fly pledge. Some cunt on radio Devon AL- JABEEBA wittering on about staying in the UK for your holidays from now on, all to save the planet and the futures of the cheeeldren.
What a monumental load of shite. I couldn’t get who was sprouting this bollocks as the wife was in full gum banging mode.
She was also wittering on about a new tax (quelle surprise) about frequent flyers paying more tax (the green tart not my Mrs. What is it with these green cunts that the word tax always rears its ugly head?).
If I may offer my twopennoth, could we not have a greens cull? No more cuntish drivelling and population reduction, win win I say.

Nominated by CuntyMort

A nomination for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, the US democratic party libtard who made an absolute arse of herself by profusely (fake) weeping next to a chain link fence, which was supposedly at a US transit camp for immigrants, but was in fact an empty car park. Epic fail, I believe, is the term.

Nominated by Mystic Maven