Charlie Brooker [2]

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Just watched Friday’s Have I Got News For You on the BBC iplayer. Fucking ruined by some smug twat called Charlie Brooker in the chair. Only watched to the end because I was hoping Paul Merton would thump the cunt.

Pretty shocking when Diane Abbott isn’t the biggest arsehole on a TV show. What a total cunt.

Nominated by: Cunt’s Mate Cunt

Charlie Brooker is a pseudo socialist cunt, sucking at the teat of the BBC and Guardian whilst appearing to be anti-establishment , married to a coke head (Konnie Huq)

I have indulged in copious amounts of cocaine and I can tell you know she is fucking wired in this picture! It’s obviously photoshopped cleavage, but check her eyes! That’s fucking cocaine, not camera flash!

Nominated by: Boaby

Bushcrafting

"For survival in the wild, you can't beat a good curry with the film crew!"

“For survival in the wild, you can’t beat a good curry with the film crew!”

God save us from the ‘amateur bushcrafter’ – a creature that buys all the books and DVD’s on bushcraft it can find. Especially those by Ray Mears, Bear Grylls and Lofty Wiseman. You’ve probably met one. They tend to wear Army surplus clothing and think they’re an expert on all things military, again because they’ve bought the books. And they usually like to try to make other people think they’re a military/bushcraft expert. I don’t know why they do that though, because they’re usually not an expert. On anything.

I am an expert on what’s known as bushcraft. I was taught about the outdoors from a young age by my Texan granddad and his Apache best friend (Native Americans are among the best people to learn this sort of thing from). I also learned a fair bit about the subject whilst serving in the Army. I even spent the last four years of my career serving as a jungle warfare instructor in Belize. But I’m only an expert because I’ve spent years practising my skills. These dicks think they can read a book and become an instant expert.

This was perfectly demonstrated earlier today. I went out for a walk in the woods behind my house. They’re quite big these woods, and one of the places I use for my wild camping trips. Near to the river that runs through the middle, I encountered two such cretins. They’d actually done an adequate job of setting up their tarps and hammocks but they were doing a piss poor job of getting a fire going. This was mainly because, despite the open book (Ray Mears) they had no idea about the correct way to build a fire. They’d all the gear though. Shiny, new stuff like a small forest axe, bushcraft knives, survival tin, med kit, etc. There was no tinder or kindling, just four large logs, about 8 inches in diameter and twice that long. They were wondering why they couldn’t get them to light. Did I mention that there was a shit load of dry grass all over the ground? Well I have now. As I’m sure you’re aware, you do not try to start a fire in an area that has that much combustible material on the ground.

So, I got them to clear the entire area that their camp was in, keeping some to help with starting their fire. To be fair, they were actually quite good students. And after only an hour, they had one of the logs ablaze. I advised them to do a bushcraft course and then went on my way. If I hadn’t been there though, they would either have started a massive forest fire, or they’d still be trying to get a fire going now.

Over the past couple of years, I’ve encountered an increasing number of people, usually young guys, who buy all the gear, and the books/DVD’s, and have absolutely NO idea what they’re doing. Sooner or later, someone is going to be seriously hurt because these dumb fucks haven’t the first clue what they’re doing. A book can’t tell them how sharp a knife or axe can be. And none of the books I’ve seen have mentioned the importance of practising the skills they demonstrate. I’ve been out hiking with my wife in the lake district, Cumbria and the Pennines and seen people hiking wearing jeans and trainers. No map or compass, just a fucking smartphone app. One idiot even asked my for directions to Ladybower dam. We were in Cumbria at the time.

In some ways, it’s good that people are taking more of an interest in the British countryside. I just wish they would clue the fuck up before heading out.

Nominated by: Quick Draw McGraw

MTV

mtv

Oh god Mtv!

Those stupid assholes who helped destroy music, the funny thing is they don’t even play music videos anymore but even if they did it would be the nicki minge and taylor swift twat variety hour with stupid rap. Its just shitty reality shite shows like real world and cribs where rich douchy cunts show off their multimillion mansions and their collection of 15 cars trucks and tanks.

Who the fuck would want to watch that? Cunts that’s who! MTV are fooking cunts!

Nominated by: Titslapper

Posted in MTV

The National Lottery

Won fuck all

When the National Lottery started all those years ago we started a syndicate at work, 10 of us all put in £2 each per week. For over 2 years (104 draws) we played, and of all those tickets we won £10 a mere 8 times and £60 once! (£140 return for £2080 in tickets!)

So I said fuck that, and stopped playing, 8 of them still play every week and they have still yet to win anything over 4 numbers.Mugs!

That’s bad enough and truly deserving of a cunting but there’s more…

I just went to the shop to get a paper and some tobacco, something in my mind told me to buy a ticket, I’ve not bought one for years, but wait! The cunts now want £2 per ticket and have increased the numbers from 1-49 to 1-59. WHAT THE FUCK!

So before you had fuck all chance of winning and now it seems you may as well just donate £2 to the National Lottery because those extra 10 numbers exponentially decrease you chances of even wining £10

I know gambling and lotteries are for mugs, but fucking hell, what a bunch of cunts who deserve cunting!

Nominated by: Boaby

Good Morning Britain

Sean-Fletcher

GMB is ITV’s breakfast show, originally it was called TV-AM, then GMTV and back in the 90’s it actually used to beat the BBC’s breakfast with higher viewing figures.

Those days have long since gone, along with GMTV which was morphed in to Daybreak and now Good Morning Britain. Despite these changes the same old cunts are still there (Kate Garraway, Dr Hillary Jones, Richard Arnold, Ben Shepard & Ross King)

ITV promised a more news based show but actually delivered an even bigger pile of shit than GMTV.
Susanna Reid & Charlotte Hawkins were poached from the BBC & Sky (respectively) but their addition to the show has been a massive failure.

Viewers have abandoned the show in droves, case in point:
GMTV axed in 2010 with viewing figures averaging 700,000
Daybreak replaced GMTV but was axed in 2014 with viewing figures of 600,000
GMB currently averaging 500,000 but has been as low as 450,000

At this rate ITV would be better off getting the presenters to Tweet the news over Twitter, the presenters have more followers than viewers! Whilst the show was lauded as being more news based it is now even more obsessed with 1 Direction, what David Beckham had for tea and whatever god awful reality shite is being punted by ITV.

The presenters are fucking awful too:

Susanna Reid – Total cunt who believes every man is in love with her and constantly has to flash her knickers to get in the papers, or lick her finger, or make some double entendre or even worse flirt with men young enough to get the interest of Yewtree!

Charlotte Hawkins – Pleasant enough but bland as fuck, if only she got her fucking gusset on display then I am sure the viewing figures would increase!

Ben Shephard – Old relic from the GMTV days, still looks about 14 but has the interviewing skills of a prolapsed anus.

Sean Fletcher – Who? some token ethnic from Sky who does sod all and has the charisma of a shit stained condom.

Kate Garraway – another like Miss Reid, total cunt, looks like a horse and her only talent seems to be her saggy tits and shouting a lot.

Laura Tobin – BBC reject who couldn’t get the weather right if she looked out of the fucking window.

The whole shows news seems to be based around how much advertisers are willing to pay – you have a new breakfast cereal, GMB will run a feature on how fibre is good for you and can cure cancer.

They also runs stories relating to ITV shows, case in point – a few months back one of the opening headlines was:

Peter Barlow murder trial. Ok you may think, until you realise Peter Barlow is a fictional character in ITV’s Coronation Street, how the fuck is that news?

The sooner ITV axe this shit and put on re-runs of Love Thy Neighbour, Rising Damp or On The Buses the better.

CUNTS

Nominated by: Boaby