Monthly Archives: December 2013

Panto cunts

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That ghastly season is upon us. Theatres and Civic Centres up and down the land jack up their prices to fleece the punters taking part in the deadly ritual of the Pantomime Season featuring crap comics, fake celebrities and arsehole actors making their only appearances of the year. A poof’s parade of tacky costumes, apalling acting, excrable scripts and shite sets wallowing in an effluent of exhorbitant merchandise.

“Programme and a double whiskey? That’ll be £22.50 sir”.

Interesting season this year. So many of the usual suspects are either banged up, awaiting trial or under investigation. Now known as the ‘Paedomime Season’ in the business. Jim Davidson as Buttons, Russell Grant as Widow Wanky, Mathew Kelly as Captain Hook – “Now then children, is that a paedo behind me – Oh no it is’nt!…Fuck…Oh yes it is!”

I’ll be buggered if I know where theatres keep digging up ‘names’ like the Chuckle Brothers from (and why are those geriatric cunts never prosecuted under the Trades Description Act?). Have to set up me pet vulture Gristle as an agent to sniff ‘em out.

You may have thought many old luvvy cunts were long dead but if they are not queing for the Dead Cunt Pool then they are sure to be in a panto near you.

Nominated by: Sir Limply Stoke

( Sorry, Limply old man – couldn’t resist using a picture of the appalling Hamilton cunts! After all, you forgot to include publicity hungry disgraced ex-politicians. )

Michael Winner [2]

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Michael Winner in 1986

Knew the cunt a few years back. Would answer the telephone pretending to be his own secretary. Had a whole string of ex lady loves he kept sweet by letting them think they were in for substantial legacies on his demise. The last one was looking after the terminal tosser in the belief that she would get the mansion in Holland Park.

He did have plenty of readies but it was all cash from multiple mortgages and loans on his properties. Did not own a bean. Fine old to-do now, m’learned friends etc etc. Warring next of kin, banks, mortgage companies all unaware of each others conflicting claims. Rather delicious actually.

Postumous cunting for old time’s sake? He would enjoy that.

Nominated by: Sir Limply Stoke

Seems that I failed to notice the demise of Michael Winner back in January. What an odious little cunt he was. Went everywhere by private jet because he hated travelling with the plebs. I hear say that he used his celebrity to pay for it rather than a cheque as he was reportedly bust.

Remember his ‘Calm down, dear!’ advert? How the mighty had fallen to sink to that.

Met him once in Barbados when he was blagging his way to the best table in the restaurant at Sandy Lane. Unfortunately for him, the table he wanted was occupied by my party. ‘Do you now who I am?’ he said. ‘Yes’ I replied, ‘you’re the odious little yid that isn’t getting this table. So fuck off!’

He fucked off. Like I said, odious little cunt…

Nominated by: Dioclese

Barbados must be a much nicer place now he’s not there!

Nominated by: Mrs D.