Lad banter

Having spent a torturous evening out with ‘friends’, I would like to deliver a cunting to middle-class ‘lad banter’. So drained and driven to distraction am I by this fucking phenomenon tonight, I can’t cunt with much strength – but fuck me, I’ve got to get this down before bed.

I’m sure there’s a more succinct name for the phenomenon (apart from ‘cunt’ that is), but no, I’m not talking about hipsters or out-and-out geezers. Seeing a friend back from living abroad for a few years, it was good to catch up. Sadly he keeps many cunts for company. All asking each other if they want a “cheeky pint”. Endless sage agreement terminating in “awww mate” in faux-mockney accents that only cunts from Berkshire, Cambridgeshire and Hertfordshire can manage. The sort of cunt who orders a Hungryhouse while exclusively watching the Dave channel, giving it the fucking pub philosopher pseudo-cuntishness, interspersed with artificial football knowledge derived almost exclusively from playing Championship fucking Manager.

One cunt in particular, wearing a hoodie – a cunt in his late 30s, for the love of cunt – with ‘Punkers’ emblazoned on it in the style of the Snickers logo would not stop saying “mate”, “mate”, “mate”… the fucking word is riniging in my ears right now like mildly-concerning tinnitus after a Megadeath set. Grinding my teeth and trying so hard to ignore the cunt, my only solace was the warm comfort in fantasising about burying a fire-axe deep into his subhuman skull; fondly imagining the spasms and involuntary eye-rolling as the cunt finally falls silent and slumps beside his last ‘cheeky pint’.

There is a faint possibility of course that I am the real cunt and just hate most people in the world. But #ladsbanter is a monumental cunt and no mistake.

Nominated by The Empire Cunts Back

Len McCluskey(2)

Len McCluskey is a commmunist cunt

Nominated by kravDarth

So, Red Len wants to bring down a democratically elected government through illegal strike action. Apparently this makes him a great freedom fighter like Mandela and Gandhi.

Let’s assume I earn £1,000 a week. I strike for a 5% pay rise which adds up to £2,500 per annum. So in 2.5 weeks on strike, I wipe out the pay rise. So by striking for 5 weeks, I’m taking a 5% pay cut for the year and after two years I’m back where I started.

Meanwhile, McCuntsky is still being paid his £130,000 per annum salary out of my union dues. That’s on top of the £417,000 that came out of union funds last year to help him buy a London flat just south of London Bridge with a view of the London Eye.

A true man of the people is our Len. Can I suggest that if he really wants to be a second Mandela, then we should oblige him by locking him up for 30 years?

Nominated by Dioclese

The Daily Mail (2)

It’s September so it’s time to slag off schools who try to enforce uniform rules. Most of the “stories” in the Mail are basically chavvy parents complaining about their precious offspring being forced to obey the same rules as everyone else. I admit that some headteachers can be a bit overzealous but in school the rules are the fucking rules.

The Daily Mail has certain stories it runs at certain times of the year but slagging off schools and teachers is one of their favourites. If there isn’t a way to slag off teachers then run a picture of Diana fucking Spencer. In August, the Mail always runs a story about how exams are too easy and it would better to bring back 1950s-style O-Levels. I predict in late October the Mail will go with tales about health and safety twats stopping a bonfire on Guy Fawkes’ Night and in the run up to Xmas, they will have stories about fuckwitted councils banning trees to avoid upsetting the peacefuls.

I know teachers are not popular with some folks here – mostly because some member of staff gave them a hard time in 1975 (hint: get over it snowflake). But 90%+ of school staff are not the Marxist ideologues of Paul Dacre’s fevered imagination but decent people trying to do a job with little help from the government, the gutter press or fuckwitted parents. The average conversation in a school staffroom is not about how to force your son to wear a fucking dress but about how a couple of little bastards in a class of thirty fucked up a lesson you had spent ages planning.

And remember, 90%+ of kids are well-behaved and do the right thing. It’s just that children are like farts – other people’s disgust you but you quite like your own.

Nominated by Cunt’s Mate Cunt

Noel Gallagher (2)

Noel Gallagher is (still) a cunt… The Bluenose fanny played his ‘Imagine’ rip-off ‘Don’t Look Crap In Anger’ and then old unibrow said, “It’s become some sort of anthem for defiance… And every time you sing, we win….”

So, that’s how we beat the Dago Armarda, Napoleon, the Krauts (first time), the Nazis (second time), the Japs, the Argies, and the IRA. is it?…. Also, what about the people who died at the hands of some psychotic sandnigga at the Arena and their families? Did they ‘win’?! Fuck off, you cunt!

Nominated by Norman

Don’t look back in anger ? To fucking right I will. Children blown to bits and we are told not to get angry. Fuck right off you coked up wanker!

Nominated by Vermin Cunt Spotter

Good ol’ Noel. Never miss out on a spot of griefjacking to resurrect his ailing career.

Mind you, if my guitar playing was as bad as his then I’d be reduced to tears too. Perhaps we can get him to do a concert in Mosul. That’ll teach ISIS not to mess with the Gallaghers…

Nominated by Keef

Proms in the Park

BBC deserve a double cunting. Proms in the park is held in London, Wales, Scotland and Ireland concurrently with the last night at the Albert Hall. The second half from the Albert is beamed live to all 4 parks. When it came to the end, Rule Brittana, Jerusalem and Land of Hope and Glory they stopped the feed to Scotland and Wales through fear of upsetting the SNP and CLyde Cumri cunts! Fucking BBC. Who gives a fuck as to whether we upset Scotch and Welsh independent cunts. I’m sure there were decent people in Scotland and Wales who wanted to sing along.

Nominated by Cunts and Roses

Jesus h fucking Christ on a bicycle! The BBC politically correct wankers are airbrushing history and tradition from last night of the proms. No Land of Hope and Glory in Wales or Scotland.

That’s fucking appalling. It’s traditional FFS and the Scots and Taffs have never been upset before! Just take look at the flags in the picture. I can spot a Welsh, Norweigan, Japanese. They don’t seem to be particularly upset!

That are some fucking total absolute cunts running this country these days and not just at the beeb. If Compo ever gets into number 10 we’ll be ending the proms with The Red Flag.

I fucking honestly and truly despair just how bloody stupid people can be…!

Nominated by Dioclese