His card was stolen, and the Thicko Twins used it to buy, amongst other things, scratchcards.
Amazingly, one card was a £4m winner.
Naturally, the Twins went on a rampage of boozing and partying ( presumably using Joshua’s card?), until the scratchcard company refused to payout, the police got involved and the idiots have got their just desserts.

The Sun

Is Joshua happy that the criminals were caught, his credit rating isn’t damaged?
Yes, probably, but he now thinks he should have at least some of the £4m, on the grounds that his card was used to buy the ticket.
Really, you cunt?

The money has already been donated to charity, thieves don’t get to keep the proceeds of their crimes, unless you want to say that you voluntarily gave them your card??
Hmm! Thought not.

Nominated by: Jeezum Priest

*Deadline Edinburgh, 2nd May 2024*

Oh dear, oh dear. North of the border, it’s a case of out with the the old, er… in with the old.

John ‘Mr Personality’ Swinney has thrown his hat into the ring to become the new First Minister after the discredited Humza Youseless threw in the towel. At the same time, another council has declared ‘a housing emergency’, as it is unable to meet the need for affordable rented accommodation.

When asked what he would actually do about this, Mr Swinney naturally went into SNP default mode of deflecting responsibility away from his own administration’s failings and inadequacies. ‘It’s a big priority’ burbled ‘Ornest Jawn’ (nae fuckin’ shite Sherlock). Sadly, he didn’t see what he could do about it, as it was all the fault of (wait for it!) budget cuts imposed ‘a hostile UK government’.

‘We can’t magic money out of thin air’ whined the slaphead twat. So his remedy? Why (stands back in amazement) independence, of course. Naturally, Swinney didn’t offer any indication as to just where the money might actually be magicked up from in the event of that prospect becoming a reality. Nae borther, it’ll be awreet awn tha neet.

Fuck off and change the record pal, this one’s been broken for years. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss…

Daily Record

Nominated by Ron Knee.

(The only long-term relationship this cunt can hang on to – Day Admin)

Lewis Crapaldi is a fat, ugly, self-pitying Jock cunt.

He can’t hold high notes, despite attempting them frequently in his ‘music’, and his entire act consists of whining about his inability to maintain a relationship and encouraging his audience of impressionable teenage girls to feel sorry for him about it.

It’s borderline incel behaviour and yet NO ONE calls him out for it. And the worst part? Courtesy of Hallam FM I frequently have to hear his moaning, narcissistic crap. His entire existence is pointless, and the world would be better off if it forgot him.

(The link is from 2020 but I can’t find anything else that would be relevant outside of Reddit threads. I suppose that demonstrates the extent to which th Crapaldi virus has taken hold).

The Tab

Nominated by:  OpinionatedCunt

What joy it brought me to see this news item on Al Beeb. It seems 500 of these devices are being given away free so that Endies (surely only a matter of time before “endie” is used as an insult like Spaz or Flid..?) can advertise their mongitude* to the emergency services via a handy “contact card with key information.”

How I will cheer when some hairy-arsed fireman is confronted with one of these polyester knob sleeves (complete with “STOP! Look inside to keep me SAFE**” printed on it 48 point), removes the contact card and decides to call the dribbly’s social worker for advice on neurodivergence, rather than cutting the spazzer out of the wreckage before it carries out some sort of mongtastic Joan of Arc impression.

The sergeant quoted in the article explains she’s concerned her son, being an endie, is likely to “run off”; not if his legs are trapped in the mangled remains of the engine block, he’s not.

There may be vanishingly unlikely edge cases where the willy warmers have a small degree of utility, but I’m buggered if I can think of one offhand.

* I have an idea for a game show called “What’s wrong with the mong?” where celebrity favourites like Katie Price and Carol Vorderperson are paired with consultant paediatricians and have to guess what ails a variety of dribblies.

** I am mightily pissed off with this widespread belief in the fallacy that ‘things’ can keep you ‘safe.’ It’s a bag of horse tits put about by cunts who don’t understand what safety is.

BBC News

Nominated by: Gloria Snockers