Karl Lagerfeld

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Karl-Lagerfeld

From our fashion correspondent: Noted that the poncing piss pussy and Creative Director for Chanel, Karl Lagerfeld, has achieved the rag trade tour de force of his inimitable career. He has designed THE outfit for the total cunt and is currently pictured modelling the self same creation in Paris for fashionistas everywhere. You lucky people.

Word on the street has it that the BIG PEOPLE at Channel were in an absolute tizz absolutely over who could or should model the epic smutter. Names in the frame included Elton John (but his bum would have looked too big), Simon Cowell (less arse but no class) and Prince Edward (but this is an exclusive show my dears and who hasn’t had that bit of Royal bum?).

Call me a rancid old queen if you must be ever so wearisome but I have to go with the darling people at Channel on this one (you know where to send my free goody bags kissy kissy). Total Cunt is a collection that is divine in its inspiration and can only be presented to the public by the ultimate godhead of the genre. My dears I give you the very personification of Cunt Total, camp kraut Mr Karl Lagerfeld.

Nominated by: Sir Limply Stoke

Malaysia Airlines

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malaysia-airlines

Arsed orff right royally. A week later and yet more daily all-dayer press conferences from the Transport Minister with the dodgy tache and the cunts at Malaysia Airways. “What do you know about missing flight MH370?”…..Fuck all. “What are you doing about locating missing flight MH370?”….Fuck all.

Same old story ad infinitum. Endlessly padding out BBC News.

Good news is, though tourism to Malaya/China is holding up, bookings on Malaysia Airways, like flight MH370, have plummeted.

Nominated by: Sir Limply Stoke

William Hague [2]

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hague-baseball-cap

William Hague is a cunt. 95.5% of people in Crimea have voted to return to Russia. This is on an 82% turnout, and with 97% of people in Crimea being ethnic Russians.

The shitty cunt, William Hague, says the referendum was a “mockery of proper democratic practice”. Shut your face you evil cunt. You wouldn’t recognize democracy if it fell out of your arse into the mouth of your mincing father at bed time.

We have the worst collection of shit in parliament ever at present, but that evil beast shit-cunt William Hague, is the worst of the worst.

Nominated by: Kiddie

Oxford English Dictionary

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The Marketing Department of IsACunt.com has been busy.

Years of campaigning, letter-writing, petitions, coffee morning fundraisers and shoving dog shit through the letterbox of No10 have finally paid off.

This month’s update to the Oxford Dictionary includes the words ‘cunted’, ‘cunting’, ‘cuntish’ and ‘cunty’. The expletives now join the list of 750,000 English words defined by the dictionary. ‘Twerk’ and ‘Selfie’ were added at the last update.
Along with the ‘cunty’, the words ‘Old Etonian’, ‘Rt. Hon.’ and ‘Right Honourable’ have also been included for the first time, although the choices are believed to be unrelated.

Recognition at last!  Victory is ours! You cunts.

Quorn

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Quorn-001

A block of quorn, cut into cubes and fried to a golden brown, served with a nice plate of chips, makes for a tasty little meal. Well, it does if you leave out the quorn and replace it with some crisp streaky bacon and a sausage or two. And a fried egg and some beans. And several thick slices of black pudding. Plus a fried slice cooked in the bacon fat.

Consistency? Somewhere between a barbecue firelighter and a polystyrene ceiling tile. Taste? None to speak of, chewing the rubber on the tip of a pencil being a good deal more flavoursome.

Quorn is tasteless rubbery crap, don’t waste your time on it. Scoff a fat greasy burger instead, then take a dump and have a kip. Much more satisfying.

Nominated by: Tony