Liam Smith, a Bristol student (groan) went on a first date with some unnamed bird he met on Tinder. They went to Nando’s for a meal and back to his gaff to watch a scientology documentary. Nando’s and scientology in one night – an interesting pulling technique.

After the ‘top notch’, no expense spared, peri peri chicken fired up her ringpiece, she needed a dump or maybe it was after watching Tom Cruise talking about some scientology shite. Anyway, after she had laid a log, she discovered it wouldn’t flush. Instead of dealing with a floater in the normal way, by drowning the shitstick with loo roll, she instead ‘claimed’ that she panicked and fished it out of the bowl, launching it out of the bathroom window.

First and foremost, what the fuck? Clearly a classy bird, lobbing a turd out of a window, in someone else’s home. Secondly, she didn’t check the window’s orientation, so it actually got trapped in a dead space 18 inches wide looking onto another window.

At that point she had to come clean about her dirty tale and tell Liam what she had done. After investigating, he thought about breaking the window but instead she – who is an amateur gymnast – decided to lean, head first, out of the fanlight window to reach it. Well, it didn’t work and she got wedged between the two windows – a VERY amateur gymnast. So Liam called the fire brigade who after pissing themselves laughing broke the glass to rescue her.

The cost of the replacement window was £300 and he said that is a large part of his monthly budget and he couldn’t afford it. So like any ‘normal person would do’  he set up a crowd funding page explaining the whole sorry saga. Shameless or what?….who the fuck puts their digits to the keyboard advertising this sad night out?

What’s even madder is that his front paid off, since the jammy fucker raised over £2000 in ONE day, well over the 300 quid target.

It seems the pair may also continue to see each other. He must like a ‘dirty scat-ty’ sort, so perhaps next time she will just squat over him and shit on his chest or the glass coffee table The kinky pair!

Anyway, I couldn’t really decide who were the bigger cunts in this story:  Liam or the female ‘shit-putter’ or the mugs who paid for his window. So I put it down to dumb-arsed students in general.

Nominated by Mike Oxard.

A Cunting for Cruise Hoilday Bores.

The talk of Branson’s private island has reminded me of a particularly tedious gent who used to come to my local on a quiet night,and proceed to bore the entire bar with tales of his latest cruise. You couldn’t ignore the Cunt,he had one of those braying voices like fingernails down a blackboard that is impossible to ignore. It was one of the few times where I’ve wished the bar had either a t.v or a juke-box…anything to drown the Cunt out.

Now I’ve nothing against people going away on holiday,but I don’t want to hear about it,and cruises seem to attract the type who think that anyone is interested. Cruises,from what I can make out,seem to be nothing more than a Benidorm-style all-inclusive holiday on a boat,aimed at retired old farts. The holiday-bore seemed to think that stuffing himself with as much seafood as an Orca at Seaworld was the peak of sophistication,and as for his description of dining at (Drumroll)….The Captain’s Table…Well,we mere mortals could only dream of such an honour. I must say, these Captains must have the patience of a Saint and nerves of steel not to introduce Maritime Law and have these self-opinionated,pompous windbags flogged and keel-hauled. Night after night of listening to Cruise-Man…cruel and unnatural punishment indeed.

We heard about the Entertainment,which seemed to consist of washed up cabaret acts and magicians who were desperately hoping that a Butlin’s talent-spotter would see their act and whisk them off to a better class holiday camp. The Casino,.where our hero apparently played baccarat with such success that people thought that he must have a “System”. He did,it involved him,in his imagination “winning big”, when all he’d really won was enough to top-up the leccy-meter when he got home.

As for the countries he visited…Well he was always a bit vague about that….”Oh,it was Thursday,that must have been Cadiz.” Didn’t stop him from holding forth on every country which he’d “toured” far half a day as if he was an expert in every aspect of it. In fact I think he only went ashore when he was virtually forced at cutlass point…probably too frightened of missing a free meal. The staff were all “ignorant brown Chinks” and he took great delight in tipping as little as he could. It’s my fervent hope that he’s remembered on a subsequent cruise and some cabin-staff poison the bastard.

Holiday bores are Cunts, but Cruise-holiday Cunts truly are Ocean-going, triple-funneled, iron-plated, twin-propeller driven, iceberg-dodging, bunting-flying, flag-waving Bores…. I hope Somalian pirates seize every fucking one of them….Absolutely NO ransom will be payed for their safe return…only for their dismembered corpses.

Perhaps Mo Farah might consider rejoining his Somalian countrymen and becoming a pirate when he retires….although No. I’m sure he wouldn’t do anything of the kind.

Nominated by Dick Fiddler.

Emergency cunting for the Labour MP for Newcastle Central, who has suggested that the grooming of underage girls by the recently jailed Newcastle gang “is not an issue of race or religion”. Well, I think my vision must be failing, fellow cunters, because when I look at the Newcastle grooming gang there’s one particular aspect that seems to stand out a mile. I wonder if any of you can spot it:

Onwurah claims that the “real” issue here is misogyny. But since misogyny is firmly entrenched in the peaceful religion (ditto the sexual abuse of children), can I politely suggest she’s talking out of her fucking arse?

Nominated by Fred West.