Private Eye

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Private Eye is overdue a severe cunting.

I have subscribed since the days of Heath and Wilson. I have tolerated the endless Fleet St tittle tattle because some of the satire and bad taste can be excellent and the investigative stuff is also good. Many cunts have been exposed over the years.

However, since June 2016 it has become almost entirely one sided in it’s attacks. Apparently there is no satire in the posturings of Blair, Krankies, Miller, Clegg. Cameron and so on. Everything now points out what cunts those that voted Leave are. It does have a go at that odious cunt Osborne but only because he has the temerity to edit a newspaper. A newspaper which has no meaning to anyone living outside the M25, and I suspect very little meaning to the majority inside.

Private Eye is now Establishment. Supporting the mainly London, liberal elite – the civil servants. lawyers, politicians and all the rest of the gravy train troughers who serve no purpose to the majority of Brits. All within the M25 natch.

The late Peter Cook must be turning in his grave. He came from the establishment and spent his life subverting it in one way or another.

Private Eye – the Remoaners Gazette. Staffed by cunts, edited by a cunt, written for cunts who know, yes they are certain in their belief that the rest of the UK is populated by knuckle dragging morons.

Nominated by Cuntstable Cuntbubble

Oi! Hislop, ya cunt!

When you gonna answer this? It’s been seven fucking years…

An open letter to Ian Hislop

Nominated by Dioclese

Loose Women [3]

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Most of us, I guess, are rather partial to loose women. On the other hand, Loose Women must be a shoe in for Cunt Personality of the Year.

Normally, when there’s a group of middle aged women sitting around a table talking about puerile subjects in a diction thats on the level of 65 IQ, I can mute the sound and enjoy the shaggability factor. Not with these dog minges. Christ, did they advertise as mankness and a complete lack of sex appeal as essential requirements?

And, who the fuck invented Janet Street Porter? Hated the lefty cow right from the NME days.

Loose Women gives that Len Goodman rhyme shit a run for its money.

Nominated by Cunts n Roses

Vipoo

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Does your shit stink?

Afraid of what others may think of your nasty stench as you leave trap #2 at work or in a restaurant?

Then you need “Vipoo”!

A product dreamt up in the land of snowflakes! What you do – just before you’re about to evacuate your bowel – is give a few sprays into the toilet basin, cut one off and YOUR pongy aroma cannot escape, instead YOU leave a nice flowery smell for the next person to make stool on that particular throne.

(As advertised on mainstream TV – I shit you not, pun intended.)

Please note the perfectly formed donut shaped turds and therefore I can only assume are sponsored by Krispy Kreme Donuts (probably taste the same anyway).

The main issue with this product is that YOU fork out a fiver for OTHER people’s benefit!

Socially considerate as that may be, I would think it much more beneficial to have a product that nullifies the rancourous and noxious odour of the filthy cunts leaving a Guinness fuelled “Red October” in the pan 1st thing on a Monday morning at work which takes the whole day to set sail into the depths of the local sewer system!

Also, how is this product going to help when the rumblings downstairs are courtesy of a nice Vindaloo producing little solid matter in a flock of sparrows arrangement?

If I am subjected to stenches that would gag a maggot on a daily basis then I think it only fair that I inflict the same reward on my colleagues who can bask in it for all I care!

A perfectly pointless product for the most pointless folk in society: Generation Snowflake!

Nominated by Rebel without a Cunt!

Bitcoin

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Bitcoin is an annoying pile of cuntery, isn’t it.

I’m tired of reading about this flash-in-the-pan tedium. Rapacious nerds salivating over endless growth, constantly talking up this ‘phenomenon’ whilst normal people continue their life using money they’ve actually earnt. What in fuckery is wrong with people and their imaginary money? I’m tired of reading about this bollocks as if it’s doing something important or saving humanity.

Oh, Bitcoin gave you 1000% interest this year, did it? I don’t care. I don’t give a fuck about your untrustworthy scam or imaginary millions. Go away.

No, I don’t want to buy an overpriced rice crispies & Kale burger with Bitcoin. You’re a cunt.

No, I don’t want to have my beard trimmed and oiled and pay with Bitcoin at your pop-up Moustache-waxing hairdresser. You’re a cunt.

I neither wish to participate in this trendy fraud nor listen to wealthy, sanctimonious, ecology hipsters boring me to death about it. Just Shit Off!

Nominated by Captain Magnanimous

Trevor Noah

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Trevor Noah is a bit of a cunt, isn’t he?

“Who he/who that cunt?” you might ask. Well, he’s a South African (need I continue?) comedian (apparently) who’s about as funny as an unflushed toilet. The real problem is that he’s just not funny, even when reading jokes that have been written for him.

There’s a video doing the rounds of him attacking Britain’s past and haranguing Brits, as if people living now are responsible for events that happened centuries ago. He complains (for ages) about being questioned at the airport despite admitting he hadn’t organised the correct visa. He then does a bit about our lack of Summer (it’s thrilling stuff). He then subsequently berates Britain saying, “It’s really not that great here.”
Noah, if you don’t like it here, then please, off you fuck.

This smug, sanctimonious onion-head took over the Yank “comedy” programme ‘The Daily Show’ from Jon Stewart. Despite the viewing figures plunging (mainly because an unfunny, Saffer loudmouth was berating Yanks), it was papered over with “yes, but he’s big with young people.” You mean, in the same way David Hasselhoff was “big in Germany,” it transpires Noah is big online! Riiight.

He’s so edgy he’s done stuff on Trump, whether fat women are sexy to drunks, and pro-immigrant material. Goodness! What a pioneer of humour.

Noah is another pc comedian/presenter who oils the wheels of liberalism but he has a colossal chip on his shoulder which could be one of two reasons: Either he’s embarrassed because he knows that people realise he’s been elevated for, erm, token reasons; or he’s embarrassed by his own gaping deficiency of humour. Alternatively, it could just be his repulsive personality getting in the way.

Nominated by Captain Magnanimous