I must nominate Dame Jocelyn Bell Burnell and the Institute of Physics. Saw this daft mare on Al Beebezeera recently, bemoaning the lack of diversity, specifically wimminz and bames in the field of physics.
The answer? To launch a scholarship aimed at these poor oppressed groups. Male caucasians need not apply.
Nominated by Mystic Maven
Allergy Sufferers.
My cunt of an employer has today issued notice that any cunt at work can be stopped and questioned about what they are eating or planning to eat because an allergy sufferer might be affected. Call me an old cynic but the cunt in question has in a very short time proved to be workshy,indifferent to any rules and not above unprofessional conduct towards others,so when I overheard a conversation about how some cunt at their last job had been allegedly been trying to kill them with the offending foodstuff,I started to wonder if we were being set up for some sort of compo scam or tribunal.Beats working doesn’t it and would fund the eternal gap yah. I would like to know what the legal position is with this. What a pile of unmitigated gangrenous old cunt.
Nominated by Mary Hinge
Waitrose has apologised after it was suggested that one of their Easter confectionery products may be racist. Waitrose have a trio of chocolate ducklings on sale, a milk chocolate, white chocolate and dark chocolate duckling shaped treat. The dark chocolate duckling was labelled as the ‘ugly’ duckling, this caused a few shoppers (white snowflake cunts obviously) to complain on Twitter. Waitrose have apologised and changed the names.
We’re never going to get anywhere if this shit keeps happening. You literally can’t say a thing now without some cunt being offended. I chose Waitrose for the cunting and not the snowflake Twitter warriors because giving in to these arseholes is much worse in my book than actually being the dick who somehow is offended, even though they have no right to be, being that they have white skin. I actually think these snowflake cunts are racist and it’s some kind of reverse psychology, a bit like the old adage of when someone says, “I can’t be racist, I have loads of black friends”. Just fuck off and let us eat our chocolate ducks in peace.
Nominated by elboobio
Replacement Bus services are cunts, aren’t they.
◾
Careers Officer:What do you want to be when you grow up, Graham?
cuntrag: I want to be a Replacement Bus Driver.
Careers Officer: Goodness, why?
cuntrag: Well, because I’m an angry, premature-balding oaf, unconcerned by conscientious work and awkward in social situations. Moreover, because I’m an indolent, overweight moron I’m going to fail all my exams further adding to my hatred of people despite their purchasing of a valid ticket.
Careers Officer: But, do you want to work unsociable hours, late into the night as well as at the weekend?
cuntrag: Certainly not but this, ironically, will enlarge the chip on my shoulder.
Careers Officer: You’ll have to become an expert driver to safely transport all those travellers who’ve been terribly inconvenienced.
cuntrag: Any decent, qualified driver would gain a prestigious, well-compensated driving position. I aim to fill the bus with a toxic diesel smell then change gears as much as possible whilst not turning on the heating system in Winter and blasting it out in Summer. I also intend to drive past replacement bus stops without stopping and, when challenged, reply that they hadn’t rung the bell.
Careers Officer: Well, you’re hideously obese, you smell like you haven’t wiped, and you sound like a contemptible, bloody-minded, bitter cunt. It’s the dream job.
Nominated by Captain Magnanimous
Butchers who try to rip you off when you buy a couple of slices of Gala pie are Cunts.
I was up on the Scotch side today and stopped at a small, award-winning, family butchers. I asked for a couple of rump steaks,some Lorne sausage,black pudding and burgers. It certainly wasn’t cheap,but looked good. As she was bagging it up,I got my eye on some Gala pie and asked for a couple of slices, she lifted the loaf down and cut a couple of slices with her back to me and wrapped them up…but,unfortunately for her, I’d seen that she’d used the crusty end bit as one of my slices. When she put the wrapped package on the counter and asked for the money, I unwrapped it in front of her,and poked at the crusty slice….
“I don’t want that,it’s got no egg and is mostly fucking pastry”
“Oh, I didn’t realise…a lot of our regulars like the end-bit”
“Well, I fucking don’t…especially at your prices.”
The old shrew pulled that disapproving,pinched face that only a true Scottish woman can manage,sighed loudly,and sliced a fresh slice….Fair enough.
As I was driving back,it just reminded me of when I worked down in the Lake District in the eighties. Some of the pubs operated two price lists, one for locals and one for tourists. Didn’t really bother us because they knew that we weren’t tourists and they made good money anyhow out of a dozen big drinkers coming in most nights for a meal and a sup,but I’d occasionally hear strangers questioning the prices that they were being charged when they heard what a “local” was paying compared to what they’d paid….must admit, if they’d tried it on with me,I’d have played Holy Fuck,but most tourists just meekly accepted it.
It also minded me of the dark-skinned shopkeeper who tried to give me change for a tenner when I knew that I’d given him a twenty. As soon as I saw what he’d given me, I said “How…ye”,before I said another word he gave me the missing tenner. He knew exactly what he’d done, cheating Cunt.
Fuck Off.
Nominated by Dick Fiddler