I am going to die soon (hopefully in the next 40 years) but your fucked too because you are going to die too!
As a career I had an association with death, I met a number of dead people who were dead.. simply because if they were not I wouldn’t be typing this now, some of them were not so bad because they were fresh, some were rather bothersome and smelly, (these were my formative years and look how well I turned out).
So now at the time of life where I find myself as a regular invite to funerals I thought I needed to rethink things.
I have little in the way of an estate (well I have a car) and what little I have I would like to pass to Mrs B.
So I donated my body to medical research! I then found out that the cunts running it charge a transport fee should I die out of area ( Really?).
Short of suicide on the steps of chosen medical facility I can’t guarantee that I will die in dragging distance of said facility.
So by chance I have opted for option B I have donated my body to anthropological study at Hull University, this means my body is dumped in a field (or used to re enact a crime) and studied as it decomposes, which in retrospect is better than a group of medical students arguing on whose cadaver has the largest willy.
Any way the cunting being the cost of after life care…. mine hopefully is sorted

Nominated by Lord Benny

I am a cultural philistine. I don’t like art, museums, theatre, dogs, literature, black and white movies, opera, classical crap, musicals, Beatles, Queen, Shakespeare, Green Bay, dance of any kind, wine, ice skating, and history pre 1900. So its with this last point in mind, I decided to watch Mary Queen of Scots in the hope I might learn something.
Well, within the first five minutes I learned something astonishing, that in 1540 Englands ambassador to the court of Scotland, Lord Randolph, was black!! Yep, a black man held one of the highest political positions in the country in the mid 1500s.
Except he fucking wasn’t. All the portraits show Randolph as white. They are now rewriting history to be PC.
So Alastair Coomer, casting director, you are a massive cunt.

Nominated by Cunts n Roses

Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton

I hope ISAC will allow a double cuntings as I want to nominate this pair of cheese farts after being forced to spend two hours watching an appalling film called “Something´s Gotta Give” in which Nicholson played his usual grinning mad axe-man part while Keaton was goofy and toothy. It´s a geriatric love story with “jokes” about Viagra, constant trips to pee and willy size. These two insufferable thespians are under the illusion that they are talented and witty. They have been repeating themselves since becoming overnight successes in acclaimed but mediocre films like “Easy Rider” in Nicholson´s case and Woody Allen´s self-indulgent masturbatory fantasy “Annie Hall” in Keaton´s case.
To see what Nicholson is like in real life check out “The Smoking Gun” site and read the police files about Nicholson after he was accused by a prostitute of refusing to pay her for a night´s bonk and then beating her up. Odd that the enlightened American media has not dug this up but perhaps it´s because Niggardly Nicholson – a Democrat – was a supporter of the Clintons. Keaton, of course, was another Hag for Hillary.

Nominated by Mr Polly

Kidults are cunts.

The definition of a kidult is:
kidult (plural kidults) (informal, marketing, sociology) An adult who participates in youth culture and activities traditionally intended for children.

Why have they suddenly pissed me off?
Because I am surrounded by work colleagues who are eagerly watching trailers on the their mobile phones for…
…the Sonic the Hedgehog movie.
Cunts. Utter, utter, utter cum gargling cunts.

Is this some kind of joke? I’m afraid not, I’m being quite serious.
And I quote “that looks fucking awesome”, “I’m definitely going to see that”, “it’s Sonic innit?”.
I can’t believe it. These are grown adult men. The youngest is 28. Their idea of entertainment is a fucking cartoon hedgehog.
It used to be just the fucking nerdy neckbeards, but now it’s every cunt. They’re playing games consoles, they’re watching The Avengers, FUCK OFF ! Fucking spandex lycra peedo bullshit. Any shiny computer generated circle jerk over the same soggy biscuit and these cunts are there.
Why aren’t they fixing shit, breaking shit, learning shit, buying powertools or simply drinking beer?
Next thing you know there’ll be a movie about snake (famously featureless early nokia mobile phone game) and these cunts will be all over it, cumming in their pants at the CGI and revelling in the brand spanking new low that binds their feeble minds together.
I’ve tried to get them on a basic diet, things like “13 Tzameti” or “man bites dog” but their tiny minds still harbour suspicion.
I’m living in a cultural wasteland, and these cunts are the dead trees.

Nominated by Cuntflap