If ever there was a reason not to bother with public transport, The Tube would be top of my fucking list!

Fortunately, I don’t live anywhere near the Smoke, but on the rare occasions I have to go visit I try to avoid using The Tube at all costs.

What we have is a microcosm of humanity (or inhumanity would seem more apposite), crammed into long steel tubes underground, travelling at fuck-know-what mph, and paying a small fortune for the benefit, day in day out; squashed together, no manners, no patience, no civility, no nothing!

As soon as a train turns up, hoards of people gather on the platform waiting for the doors to open; but do they wait for people to get off first? Of course not: that would waste at least 10 seconds of their precious time. Instead the mob push their way onto the train, while the opposing force try in vein to get off it, resulting in one big messy scrummage in the middle.

And once on board you’ll be lucky to find a seat because they’re all taken within seconds; and don’t be surprised to find the professional selfish cunts who spread themselves over two seats; or dump their crap on the adjacent seat and totally ignore you while they check their phone for the millionth time

So you have to stand, crammed tightly up against 30 or 40 other people, of different ethnicities, age, gender, size and levels of personal hygiene. And there will always be the tourist cunts with 10 suitcases; and mothers with pushchairs, and hipsters with their fucking rucksacks strapped to their backs.

The body odours are disgusting; not helped with people spitting, coughing, sneezing over seated people; people eating food, or gabbing loudly over their phones shouting “I’m on the train!” 10 times due to a bad signal.

You finally arrive at your station, but you can’t get off due to the tsunami of cunts on the platform wanting to get on first.

Fuck all that; and fuck the Tube. And fuck public transport too!

Nominated by NoCuntForOldMen

Arrogant types who go on House Relocation TV Programmes

Now I would never voluntarily watch such twaddle but I could hear some demanding twats on Escape to the Cuntry which the wife had on whilst I was doing some DIY.
You know the type. Typical townies who have suddenly decided that a rural life is what they need with a wish-list of completely unreasonable expectations. The presenter shows them a selection of properties which they always find fault with or are too expensive.
A typical scenario goes as follows
“I’m Toby and work in the wine trade. My wife, Tiggy runs a successful interior design company .
We would like to move from our £1.5 million 2 bedroom flat in Oval to Cornwall to give our children Miles aged 8 and Ophelia aged 6 a better quality of life.”

( Obviously our money will go a long way in Cornwall where I gather prices are dirt cheap)

“We’re looking for a large detached house with at least 5 bedrooms set in a minimum of 5 acres of mature gardens. We would also need a large paddock and outbuildings so that Ophelia can have her own pony. Obviously the grounds should extend to one of the pretty estuaries with its own slipway and mooring as Miles is very keen to learn to sail.”

After being shown a few properties within their budget the hapless couple has to face up to reality when they discover that what they want would cost upwards of £4.5 million.

Hahaha you cunts.

Nominated by cuntator