Care in the community…………..
People have problems, I have problems, you have problems too but why make them other peoples.
Mrs B and I have moved to a nice ground floor flat with a garden a lovely neighbour who we will call Mrs fruitbat lives next-door, I know she is lovely because Mrs B told me so, mrs Fruitbat is a very nervous person and this is the first time she feels safe in a community (she like us has just moved in).
Any way in the build up to the move I replaced the end fence on our property to be and Mrs fruitbat asked a few questions, “Does the fence have to be that big”?, No it wont be I replied, its feather edge in 6ft lengths and I will cut it down to 5ft.
Next was the “is my fence big enough? “ I said it should be and she asked about the dogs I explained Greyhound good with people but likes to chase small and furry.
She broke down, ooh I was going to have kittens! I cant have them now, your dog will kill them, what about my grand children? Will they be safe?
Well it seems that after that Mrs Fruitbat decided to complain to the housing association saying we had dangerous dogs and that she can not have her grand kids round in case they are attacked.
The housing association has yet to contact us on this matter, nor I them about her accusing me of knocking on her door for no reason (as kids would say WTF, why would I want your attention)
That my dear is why you have a nervous disposition and believe everyone is against you, because they are, not because you have a “Victim aura” but because you are a stupid fucking attention seeking cow, manipulative bitch and a bit of a cunt to be honest
Any way I feel better now, because Mrs B phoned me up and said this was all my fault “Giving her the wrong idea” as opposed to Mrs Fruitbat and her crusade to convince all she is the victim of society

Nominated by lord benny

To; The Director General
BBCunts
Broadcasting House
Shepherd’s Bush
Londinistan somewhere

Sir;
I was truly amazed to learn that the BBC pays the absolute non-entity that is Gary Linekunt a salary of £1.75m. per annum.
Linekunt is ‘Mr Switch Over’ personified; a jug-eared, boggle-eyed arsehole with all the charm and charisma of a compost bin. How on earth you can possibly justify paying out the equivalent of more than 11,000 licence fees on this bellend is beyond me. Is he part of the Beeb’s ‘old boy’ network, or is it more the case that he brown-noses the libtard remainers that now seem to infest the organisation? Has he got the goods on some very senior executive, or are you just having a larf at the expense of many thousands of the over 75s? I think we should be told.
Oh I see; you’re just paying ‘the market rate’ for talent (‘talent’!!). Well here’s a thought. I’ll do ‘Match of the Day’ with as little screen presence, finesse, style and personality, and I’ll do it for a tenth of the salary.
You can contact me at RKnee@yahoo.co.uk. I’ll be waiting for your e-mail.

Yours

Ronald Knee

Nominated by Ron Knee

The Prostate
It’s a sad fact of life that when you reach my age, the prostate can really start to act the cunt.
It begins fairly insignificantly. You need a jimmy more often than you used to, particularly during the night. Then sometimes you REALLY need to go, but get to the lav and you dribble and drabble and have to return five minutes later. You start to get a bit concerned, especially if you know someone who was similarly placed, and it turned out to be the dreaded Big C.
So off to the doc you trot. After humming and hawing, s/he will decide to do two things. Firstly blood will be taken, to determine whether your ‘psa level’ is abnormal. Secondly, on will go the latex glove, and a finger will be unceremoniously poked up your jaksey for a rummage about. ‘Mmm’ says the doc. ‘Your prostate’s swollen. I’ll refer you for further investigations’. Cosmic.
So it begins. You wait for ages to see the consultant, wondering just what the fuck you’re in for. You finally get an appointment, and the glove goes on again. You’ve just got to man up. ‘Well’, s/he says, peering over their glasses in that consultant type manner. ‘We need to do more tests’. No fucking shit Sherlock.
So you wait again, growing slowly but surely more anxious. Finally you go for an MRI scan, a boring but painless procedure. Not so the subsequent cystoscopy and biopsy. The former involves shoving a tube with a mini camera into your knob to examine the bladder. The latter involves pushing what feels like a broom handle up your ringpiece to take samples. Each procedure guarantees you a really fun day out at a Urology Department near you. And don’t expect any naughty consolations from the wife for ten days or so; your tackle will be in a sling and you literally will not be rising to the occasion for a while.
Then the worst wait of all begins, as you hope for yet dread the appearance of the envelope with the letters ‘NHS’ in the corner, marked’ private and confidential’. Finally it arrives, and offering a prayer to whoever your God is, you open it up. If your God is indeed merciful, you’ll read those wonderful words ‘no signs of malignancy were detected’, and you can breathe one almighty sigh of relief. Ok, your prostate’s the size of a cricket ball, but the enlargement is benign, and it’s treatable. You’ll be back at the hospital in due course to discuss a medication plan to reduce the size of the bastard. Then you’ll be monitored regularly. ‘Watchful waiting’ they call it, and you have to learn to live with it.
That’s the prostate for you, guys. We’ve all got one, and it can be a real cunt when it feels like it and no mistake. Anyway must dash, I’m dying for a piss…

Nominated by Ron Knee

Microsoft just sent me a cunting email celebrating gay fucking pride. They even offered me a free download of gay pride theme for my windows 10. All fucking pink and rainbows sick bastards. More chance of me attending a Barrymore pool party than downloading that shite. What next are they going to send me some hot pants to wear while using windows 10?

I unsubscribed from all future shitty Microsoft emails. Lucky I got it for free or it would be gone for casual use. Unfortunately need the buggy shite MS software for work. Otherwise would be using Linux Tails all the time.

While on subject of shitty MS operating systems that cunting Windows 10 News tile is a Liberal remainers wet dream. I suggest everyone right clicks it and uninstalls before the headlines offend you so much you cause some serious damage to your monitor or keyboard.

Also I can really recommend the Brave browser as a replacement browser. It’s a top quality cunting browser. Its ethical, the fastest I’ve used, free, respects your privacy, no ads and works better than any ad blocker I have used. Ironically it is based on Google Chrome. Best of all you can earn as you browse and get paid in its own crypto which you can convert at an exchange for Bitcoin or even the worthless fiat shite provided by our cunting government.

Nominated by ScouseCunt