“Clap for Nicola”
As The Iron Lady once said, “rejoice! rejoice!”, for July 19th will be a landmark in the history of our proud island. Yes, on that blesséd day, Nicola Sturgeon, SNP leader, First Minister of Scotland and Mother of the Nation, will reach her 50th birthday. Rejoice indeed!
In honour of this momentous occasion, one Siobhan McCann, presumably one of the Beloved Leader’s ardent devotees, has launched a “clap for Nicola” campaign. Yes, at 8pm on the 19th, Ms McCann expects a show of appreciation for Wee Jimmy, which she no doubt believes is owed by all True and Proper Scots. McCann gushes like a true sychophant “our First Minister has done an exceptional job throughout what’s been a strange year so far, to say the least. Let’s have ‘the full regalia’ on Sunday… Get the pipes and pots out for Oor Nicola, and make sure that Westminster hears!”.
Now I think that anyone with half a brain cell can see what’s actually going on here; the twee reference to “Oor Nicola” and the clunky “make sure that Westminster hears” reveal this to be just another cheapo attempt by the SNP to score a political point against the UK government.
Having said that, I’d add that there is something deeply cringeworthy, not to say a bit sinister, a bit North Korean, about the SNP cult of The Leader that’s developing around Wee Jimmy across the border. Did I say “cult”? Actually you could replace the letter “l” with an “n” and it would be equally appropriate.

Nominated by Ron Knee

@European fruit pickers.

Not long into the lockdown, there was a plea from UK farmers about European pickers are needed or else we will all starve. Now a few things need to be established about this. Yes it’s hard work. Yes it’s no everyone’s first choice of a job. Yes it’s seasonal.

You also have to bare in mind that the pay is crap. The conditions are crap. Assuming there are not enough people in that area the distance is too far. The answer was fly in Europeans who are happy to get shit money, live in piss poor conditions, but still by their standards earn a fortune. With all this in mind they bussed in said Europeans….No tests, no doubt no security checks etc.

Here we are a few months later and one of the poor poor farmers who pleaded that without these special people we would starve and they would go broke there has been an outbreak of the fear bug. 73 of of them. So enforced self isolation has been imposed…..except 3 of them (1 being positive) have upped and fucked off. No one knows where. with this in mind I would like to nominate en-mass EVERY CUNT THAT WAS INVOLVED, with a heartfelt FUCK YOU to all.

Nominated by halloweenjack

I see that actress, “lifestyle guru” and twat Paltrow is at it again, “challenging people’s perceptions” about, er, candles.

Cunters will no doubt recall (how could we possibly forget?) that some months back, the 47-year-old LA airhead launched a candle called “This Smells Like My Vagina”. This retails on her “Goop” website for a mere $75 a pop.

Not one to sit on her fortune (if you’ll pardon the expression), Goopy Gwyneth has followed up with a new candle entitled “This Smells Like My Orgasm”. Chirps the website, “where ‘Orgasm’ is bright, vibrant and uplifting, ‘Vagina’ is more deeply sensual, warm and seductive”.

Well, as ludicrous and pretentious as it sounds, good ol’ Gwynny has undoubtedly spotted a gap in the market, and is cashing in big time as the candles fly off the shelves. Indeed, there appears to be a waiting list; I ordered an “Orgasm” for the wife which she’s desperate to have, but I’m told that she’ll have to wait some time before it comes.

Nominated by: Ron Knee 

Ken Ham is a cunt, isn’t he.

Who’s this wacko and why does he look so unevolved? Ham is an Australian creationist now living in the States and has called for Charles Darwin to be “cancelled.”

“The intellectual and philosophical heritage of Charles Darwin is one of the most hideously racist legacies one can fathom.” He continues that the ideas of Darwin (one of the greatest ever Englishmen) “…fuelled racism. Hitler, and his idea of a superior race, used Darwin’s writings to justify what he did to the Jews and others.”

Hambo built a big Ark that cost about $100 million and is part of an amusement park for Fundamentalist wingnuts who believe the world was built in six days. It sits on wooden stilts in a park in Kentucky and has never touched the water. Just like the one in the story.

In case you’ve forgotten, the story of Noah is the one where God, the bearded omniscient deity, is angry with his creation and decides to murder everyone in a giant flood, except for those who’ve kissed deity arse the most. He tells Noah to build a massive boat and to put two of every creature on board in a strange, desultory, incestuous concept. They’ll all be safe while God is busy drowning all the sinners.
Goodness.

You don’t have to be a wide-eyed believer to visit the Ark but you mustn’t mention ‘dinosaurs’ if you do.

God was not available for comment because he doesn’t exist

Nominated by: Captain Magnanimous