I was watching The Chase the other day and the question ‘St. Matthew is the patron saint of, A: Accountants, B: Candle makers or C: Ferrymen?’ came up. This got me thinking about saints and more particularly the pointless patronages bestowed upon them.
There are the well-known ones like St. George and St. Patrick but there are literally thousands of others covering all manner of jobs, trades, places and afflictions. Button makers? Church cleaners? Dog bites? Florentine cheese merchants? They have you covered. Today for example, Jan 31st is the feast day of St. John Bosco patron saint of schoolchildren, magicians and juvenile delinquency.
I like to think of them in a heavenly type waiting room getting their number from a ticket dispenser waiting for their sainthood.
“Oi, George! What did you get?”
“England mate, fucking get in. You Bonaventure?”
“Bowel disorders. Hilary of Poitiers, I’ll swap you for backward children?”
“No thanks, Fiacre has already tried to palm haemorrhoid sufferers on to me”.
Out of all of them though, I think Our Lady of Perpetual Help who is the patron saint of Haiti must be my favourite because it is so apt. The BBC and the rest of the lamestream media beatified St. George Floyd of Minneapolis some years ago, patron of fentanyl users and respiratory difficulties but its only a matter of time until its official and he gets his own feast day and joins the ranks of celebrating gallstones, lepers and stammering children.
The answer was A, Accountants by the way.
Chin up St. Matthew, it could have been a lot worse.
Nominated by Liberal Liquidator.
