The Apprentice (2)

We have to talk about The Apprentice.

Like a lecherous old uncle at a family gathering, this steaming pile of contrived horse faeces has long, long, long overstayed its welcome. How many years has the UK been running this now, 13 or 14 years?

In that time, it has transmogrified from a semi-interesting adaptation of Trump’s original – a bit of insight into the machination of the business world – to a completely scripted 60 minutes of shameless self-promotion for scrotum-faced egotistical tosspot, Lord Sugar of Cunt.

Flanked by two wankers – weird-looking cunt Karen Brady and Claude Bellendhead – Sugar proceeds to ‘direct’ a bunch of clueless, totally unsuitable fuckers who are either thick with Estuary vowels or thick Northerners. Gone are the days when candidates were selected with any kind of real business nous; instead, for many years, we’ve had precisely the same sort of shouty-cunty tryhards festooning all the other reality TV shows to the point where these cunts are parodies of parodies of business wankers. Insert endless management speak and truly cringeworthy, shameless attempts at being noticed, whatever the cost.

The climax of the show (I say climax, but it is as weak as your 5th ejaculation of the day when you can’t stop fapping to vintage porn) being the boardroom scene, which I understand isn’t actually a boardroom anywhere in Sugar’s estate but actually in some other building entirely, is just farcical. Cuntlord Sir Alan trotting out the same tired one-liners and giving it the whole ‘beligerent mentor’ routine. It’s all utterly predicable, tiresome and worst of all, champions thick cunts masquerading as people in business, not at all interested in their crappy investment plans but rather using the show to springboard themselves into TV presenting etc.

I despise the entire thing. If only one contestant, on the recieving end of yet another of Sugar’s cunt-defining “you’re fired”, would reach across and attempt to throttle the old ballbag beetroot red before the bouncers could prise him off… I could genuinely die a happy man.

Nominated by The Empire Cunts Back

The Apprentice


They will no doubt be deserving of individual cuntings, but I’d like to kick things off with a pre-emptive strike by saying that all 18 of them will, undoubtedly, be appalling cunts.

Vain, self-important, egotistical, brown-nosing, back-stabbing, money-grubbing, talentless cunts.

If I was in charge off the BBC then (apart from being a colossal cunt) I would apply the following format to the show:

Each time one of the cunts gets fired by Lord Cunt, when he says “you’re fired” instead of pointing at them with his pudgy little digit, he actually pulls out a gun and, holding it sideways like a real badass, double-taps the cunt in the face.

Then after Sugar has wasted 17 of the cunts, the final cunt gets “hired” and breathes a massive sigh of relief… just before Karren Brady pops up and garrotes them from behind using her own G-string.


Nominated by: Nickleby

BARONESS Karen Brady! What the fuck did she get a peerage for other than sucking up to LORD fucking Sugar? Whatever next? A knighthood for the winner?!?

The honours system is a fucking joke – but at least Brown and Blair didn’t get a gong. Maybe that’s because they weren’t on The Apprentice? Just a thought…

Nominated by: Dioclese