Prosecco is in need of a thorough cunting.

Why oh why are people obsessed with this shit?
It’s usually young women who bang on about it, but it seems like everywhere I turn there’s some inane, insipid, fuckwit harping on about Prosecco, or mugs with “I’d rather be drinking Prosecco” on it or some inane bullshit like that. Quotes all over the place.

They seem to think it makes them look classy, upper class, and cultured.
Does it fuck.
It makes you look like all the other giddy sheep.

Its as if their life and sense of humour revolves around fizzy wine.
Its all quite tragic really.

My ex-missus and her friends used to go on about it sometimes and I used to have to mentally block it out or excuse myself. Funnily enough, the same people who gush in their knickers about Prosecco wouldn’t be seen dead drinking Cava, which is essentially the same thing.

It seems to have become another thing that’s become popular for no real reason.

It tastes of nothing.

Nominated by Cunt Duckula

We live in an age of absolute gender equality. We know this because wimmin are constantly telling us, unless it suits them to forget it now and again. Then they demurely flutter their lovely lashes, and play what’s known as The ‘Little Woman’ Card. It goes, as they say, something like this;

I’m sitting in my armchair enjoying a glass of wine. Suddenly there’s a horrendous shriek from upstairs, followed by the pounding of the wife’s footsteps down the stairs and into the living room.

Me; ‘Goodness dear, sounds as though you’re having a heart attack’
Her; (breathless, wide-eyed panic) ‘There’s a spider in the bath!’
Me; ‘Well get rid of it’
Her; ‘You know I hate them. Please get rid of it, I’m dying for a pee!’
Me; You can handle it, my sweet. You’re a modern, independent, strong-minded woman. Sisters doin’ it for themselves, and that’
Her; (plaintive whine) ‘But…but… it’s HUGE!’ (sidles on to arm of chair) ‘Please!’
Me; ‘What’s in it for me?’
Her; ‘Erm, I’ll get you more wine’
Me; (lascivious leer) ‘I’m thinking of something a bit more…energetic. You’re always saying I need more exercise’
Her; ‘You cad! And I thought I’d married a gentleman! Is that all you think about?’
Me; ‘Well, there’s Villa, and rock ‘n roll as well, but they’re second and third. Anyway, I thought wimmin considered “gentlemanly” behaviour to be an affront’
Her;’ Well I don’t. Pleeease dear’ (nuzzles in and giggles) ‘I’ll make it up to you later. Promise’
Me; ‘ You sure will. All right’ (hand to forehead) ‘I *ah-em* may be gone some time’

So off I go, expecting to be confronted by a killer the size of a fucking plate, only to encounter a heart-rending spectacle. There he is, all of half an inch across, pathetically struggling to climb up the side of the bath, only to slide down again. Out into the garden the poor little sod goes.

Me; ‘It’s a good job your big, strong husband was here to deal with it, dear. It could have had your arm off’
Her; (sticks out tongue and thumbs nose) ‘You’re an absolute beast!’
Me; ‘True my flower, and you’ll be very pleased about it later’

So once more I was played by the Little Woman Card, as I’m sure all you guys have been, many times. She wants her stuff out of the loft, but has suddenly developed a mysterious ailment that prevents her climbing the ladder. You get dragged around the shops while she tries and buys things (‘I’ve got absolutely nothing for the holiday!’) and then find that somehow, you’re left carrying half a dozen bags. Etc, etc.

That’s the thing, though. I’d actually go through fire for her, and she knows it. But just remember guys; next time you’re called upon to deal with a tarantula in the bath, make sure there’s something in it for you too. This is indeed the age of equality, so it’s time to start playing the ‘Bloke’ Card.

Nominated by Ron Knee

I have changed my view on her. I now see her as some kind of Joan of Arc figure with her piercing singularity of vision.

She has said ‘We need to get back to pre-industrial levels of pollution’. How right she is. ‘The world she’s tough’ sang John Lennon. But not that tough. The Amazon is in flames, people in a Nordic country have placed a plaque to mark the end of a glacier. I’m no scientist, but the ‘consensus’ of scientific opinion is that there IS a Climate Emergency. Are they ALL part of some liberal conspiracy agenda?

My gut feeling is that we are PAYING or the earth is paying for all this raging Capitalism round the world. This ‘mania’ for producing things. This ‘frenzy’ of buying and selling. That has been going on for centuries now especially here in the West. I believe technology can help. But Greta is right we need to lessen consumption. We need to change our way of living. We need need to get back to pre- industrial small scale economic activity.

Nominated by Miles Plastic

People who park on blind bends are cunts

What is it with some numbskulls? They park their shitty Eurobox on a blind bend and then look, mouth agape, in disbelief and wonder that they have almost caused a fucking head on collision. Normally Nissan Micras (for some odd reason).

On my way to work there is a very tight bend on a minor road, it is almost a 90 degree affair. Invariably, some dunderhead parks right on the bend and despite approaching the bend slowly and with caution that there may be a car approaching the other way, it inevitably ends up as an exercise in reaction testing and standing on the middle pedal.

The same breed of cunts who park in the road (offside in) and leave their offside door or doors open for what seems to be ages whilst they scratch around looking for a bag of Opal Fruits in the foot well or they attempt to lever their corpulent mass into the car, all whilst holding up the traffic both ways.

CUNTS!

Nominated by Paul Maskinback