As the wife would say, it’s a sair fecht. I’ve put my back out good and proper, and it’s a bastard misery and no mistake.

I’ve seized up tighter than a rusty lock, my lower back reduced to a throbbing mass of inflammation and pain. Sitting or lying, there’s no position that offers any real or lasting relief. Manage to drag myself upright, and I can only mince about like Elton John’s houseboy with a bad case of the Chalfonts.

To add insult to injury, I’ve got to admit that this situation has only come about due to my own inclination to excess; to wit, over-exuberance where the wife’s charms are concerned. Ironically she blames herself, and is now waiting on me hand and foot. It’s a small consolation, I suppose.

The quack says that I might be like this for another twelve to fourteen days, and has prescribed strong painkillers. I can only sit and lie this one out with whatever patience I can muster, but I’m not a good patient. What a cunt.

Er, any chance of a cup of tea, dear?

(What you want is a naked Flabbott & Swanson giving you a body-sandwich massage – Admin)

Nominated by: Ron Knee

Citizen Kane
Down the years, Orson Welles’ 1941 drama “Citizen Kane” has consistently been voted “the greatest film of all time” in polls conducted on the subject. In particular, film-makers, critics and academics deem it “numero uno”. I believe they feel obliged to do so, in order to demonstrate an appreciation of “film as art” on their part which exceeds the capacity of your regular cinema-going punter. It’s a “masterpiece”, they gush; “hugely influential blah…”.
Personally I’ve always considered this saga about the rise of a newspaper tycoon (supposedly based on W.R. Hearst) to be the most overrated film of all time. Okay, I’ll grant that there’s some technical flair and innovation on display, and I’ve honestly tried to appreciate it if I couldn’t enjoy it, but I’ve never been able to watch it through at one go. It simply leaves me cold, and utterly uninvolved emotionally. For the most part, it’s an exercise in nut-numbing tediousness. So it’s right at the top of my “most overrated” list, propped up by the likes of “2001”, “Gone With The Wind” (wonderful Max Steiner score notwithstanding), “Top Gun”, the gruesome “Titanic”, the ludicrously pretentious “Black Swan”, and anything to do with bastard “Star Wars”.
Anyway, a couple of days ago my little treasure was raking through a box of old VHS cassettes. “Oh look”, she says, “here’s ‘Citizen Kane’. I’ve always meant to watch it. We could do that after tea”. “No way Pedro” says I, “it’s a couple of hours I’ll never get back”. “Oh don’t be a grumpie old meanie” says she, “I’ll make a big pot of tea and open a packet of McVitie’s dark chocolate digestives I’ve been hiding from you. Then afterwards *knowing little smile* we could…”.
Well of course she had me at “then afterwards”. No to be honest, she had me at “McVitie’s dark chocolate digestives”, but I think you get the point. So we sat down and watched (or in my case, endured) it, and of course it wasn’t too long before the fidgeting began. By the time that the enigmatic “Rosebud” came to be uttered, it was very clear that she was bored stupid, but bless her little cotton socks, she was never going to admit it.
Nevertheless I’m extremely pleased to record that my patience and fortitude were duly rewarded in full measure by my little minx, and I slept very well that night. Good things do indeed come to those who wait…

…and “Citizen Kane” remains the most overrated film of all time; unless of course, YOU know differently.

Nominated by Ron Knee

Personally Ron I would give that award to the Godfather trilogy – tried to watch it (well, the first two at least) multiple times only to be bored shitless by its tediously slow pace on each occasion.

They are a developer’s charter and you can just see the day when Robert Genrick, housing minister, will be sitting on the board of a big builder’s and getting huge ‘remuneration’ once he retires as an MP. That’s how the tories work.

Yes we need starter homes (it was NEVER easy buying your first property) but let’s examine the facts that have caused the housing shortage. 100,000 more people per year have entered this country than have left for the last two decades. Blair opened the floodgates and Cameron and May couldn’t close them due to our membership of the EU. Now we are out but Boris is doing an Attlee with a master plan to concrete over this green and pleasant land.  Local residents will have no say in what is build on ‘designated’ land. This isn’t nimbism just caring about your local environment.

In case anyone thinks I myself am being selfish I had an application for a dwelling on a plot of land next to me refused last year so I suppose the new laws might help me personally but I don’t want to see the old system torn into shreds. We need to protect the countryside.

The actual indigenous population of the UK is falling and I reckon the market would adjust itself in time. We need a return to 95% mortgages – the credit crunch was not due to 1000s of ordinary folk defaulting on their repayments.  That was caused by the fecking greedy banks who had to be baled out.  Osborne, our worst ever chancellor, decided to blame Mr Average instead and made applications much more draconian. The bastard.

Most youngsters pay more in rent than a mortgage would cost they just can’t get a huge deposit together.  And town centres will NEVER go back to what they were. Convert the buildings into economic flats and develop brown field sites. Developers hate doing this because it costs more than shoving up new housing on virgin land and reduces their profits. So fecking what! Do something for your country rather than your pockets for once.

1000s of migrants are returning to their own (eastern europen) countries as the pickings aren’t so easy here any longer now that we don’t have to abide by EU regulations. This will free up a lot of public housing which can then be allocated to our own people.

We need evolution rather than revolution but I guess that doesn’t sound so good in Boris’ soundbites.

https://www.gov.uk/government/news/pm-build-build-build

Nominated by: Lord Helpuss 

Wireless Four ran an item on the type of city-dwelling, middle class cunt who, during lock down, discovered that legs are for walking, found that air doesn’t need to taste of diesel and (although they won’t admit it) there are fewer aspirant architects. So, the item went, these cunts are now searching for properties in the countryside where they will combine home working with long country walks and bike rides.

These cunts, mostly “professional” millennials, are deluded. If your company has informed you that you can work from home in perpetuity, it’s probably an indication that your P45 is imminent.

Unless you can genuinely work remotely (our Techno springs to mind), home working doesn’t work. The stilted, b-r-ok-en video conferencing of Zoom or Teams cannot replace face-to-face interaction and the intrusion of poorly disciplined pets/children isn’t funny – it’s unprofessional. Documents need printing and filing SECURELY. We need that office interaction that makes the world go round – the banter, the innovating, the bitching n gossiping and the laughter that makes a job worthwhile. So, I say again, your P45 is probably imminent.

If the P45 doesn’t arrive in time, you cunts will stop the church bells ringing, prevent the Morris Dancers blacking up, ban the local hunt/shoot, change the pub menu to vegan, push up house prices and ruin the Parish Council before finely fleeing back to the city muttering about “poor broadband” or “backward yokels”.

Heed my warning, middle class cunts. Better buy a VW camper van and experience the countryside in small doses. For rural dwellers like myself, we’ll be glad to see ye back, but please read the Countryside Code first. Or, better still, don’t fucking bother.

Nominated by: Sgt Maj Cunt 

That’s right summer the cunt…

My least favourite season due to all the cunts (of all shades) appearing and hanging abaaaaht making nuisances of themselves.

In parks, on the roads (caravan cunts), aaaaht side pubs, in their garden stinking the street out with their shitty BBQ…yeah they all appear and are in general annoying cunts, more so now with all the furlough cunts swelling the numbers.

Then you have the flies and other insects who like the above mentioned cunts decide to make an appearance and generally piss everyone off.

Used to have loads of nice birds abaaaaht the place in skimpy wears..but nowadays most women are fat, miserable looking cunts who should hide their flab.

Then when you’ve got work to on a hot day like today it’s a drain and a chore. Although I like a nice hot holiday when I have nothing to do but get pissed etc, I hate summer in the UK…it can go fuck itself.

Roll on winter…I hope it’s -3 most days and pissed down that’ll get the annoying cunts back indoors.

Go fuck yourselves.

Nominated by: Black and White Cunt