A Very High Frequency cunting for Commercial Radio Adverts please.

During these ‘strange times and new normal’ whatever the fuck that means, I find myself working from home and increasingly listening to the commercial wireless radiogram, a choice of channels from Planet Rock to Classic FM. Now a lot of these stations are part of the Global Group, an organisation almost as bad as our friends the BBC, but they are commercially funded, unlike the teletax funded robbing Beeb and so this means adverts. Three in particular that get played over and over again boil my piss. Usually every 20mins and syncrhronised across the network.

HSBC, ‘We are not an Island’ this pile of fuckwittery is voiced by Sandy Tokscunt, the horrid Scandinavian dyke Harradin. To me, its an advert that tries to gee us (the listener) up post the chinese bat flu and the dark times, but is actually a pointed dig at little England post Brexit. Go to fuck HSBC and Tokscunt, last time I did geography, England was a big part of a great island.

McDonald’s adverts. Who eats that’s pile of steaming scrapes from the abattoir floor anyway? And with that fella who does the advert with his false matey mate voice coming over the airwaves every 20minutes, it boils my piss. No I don’t want a Maccy Dees fucking eggs mcflurry double cheese milk shake, you cunt. Nor I am I waiting in a drive through for the ‘privelage’

Finally, the O2 ‘Pay as you Glow’ advert, voiced by one of the dark keys or Jigaboos who can’t pronounce his words correctly and keep droppin tha last letta from most of wat he is sayin. That’s of course when you can hear anything from the vocal above the din of the jungle jive being played in the background. Not sure who this piece of radio airwaves generated excrement is aimed at, but it sure ain’t a white male who is middle aged working class and tax paying.

I’m gonna build myself a personal faraday cage to insulate me from the rape of my eardrums.

Marconi must be spinning in his grave, the cunt.

Nominated by: LeonardoDiCunty 

.. and on a very slightly different tangent, but covering the same kind of area

I want to nominate TV channel hopping, because no matter what time I do it, I always land on a commercial break, usually right at the start of the break and it goes on for a good five minutes. Then the next channel has exactly the same adverts in the same order. The exception of course being Auntie Beeb, but who wants to watch that?

Nominated by: Mystic Maven 

…. and another take from Lord Helpuss…

Daytime Digital TV ads are due for a nomination.

There are some cracking retro TV channels like Talking Pictures which shows a lot of classic films and series. Even in monochrome they are miles better than most of the modern shite we have to endure on the BBC/ITV axis. Proper scripts and stories, real stars.

One thing spoils them. The bloody adverts in between. Naturally aimed at the older viewer they consist of funeral plans, motorised buggies, bladder-leak pants,  travel insurance for fogies. Invariably, the actors depict the target audience as one step away from entering second childhood or dementia. They witter on excitedly about payouts and comparisons in a way that indicates how much they are looking forward to their own demise. They talk to each other like they have swallowed the brochures (old folk still love brochures) and are spewing out the words therein. Natural conversations they are not.

Then there are the endless charidee ads which are even more depressing. Little kids of colour drinking filthy water, tigers being shot, donkies being abused. It’s all guilt guilt how dare you sit there in your armchair with all this suffering going on? You selfish old sod. OK you’ve worked all your life, paid lots of tax but you can’t keep all your money to yourself. OK you help your kids and grandkids out but even so… give us your cash grandad.

If you are stupid enough to give in and buy an exit plan they will pester you with letters suggesting you up your premiums. Or if you give to a charidee they are such caring people that they will pass your details on to all the other begging bowl hyenas to hound you just like they did to that poor old woman who ended up giving away everything and dying in a ditch.

Yes I can mute the sound until my programme returns. I’m probably the faster muter in the east, pardner.
But I like to keep track on how truly awful these ads are. And they are BAD.

Stupid whiny cunts who go on holiday to Spain 10 minutes after they have got control of the Chinese pangolin pandemic and are now surprised that they have to self isolate for 14 days when they get back, surprise fucking surprise.

The bit i especially enjoyed was the dozy bint who was moaning because they were in financial difficulty and cant afford to be off work, i mean how stupid can you get?

I know I’m skint so I’m gonna book a holiday and go to the worst hit place after China, Good plan, cunts…

Nominated by: Fuglyucker 

A cup of non Yorkshire tea cunting for the awkward schoolboy with too short trousers (“You are bloody well wearing them, bastard”! “Aww, Mum – I’m the Chancellor and I should be allowed to choose my own clothes by now” ?)

, who after pressure from the usual lunatic suspects, is actively looking into putting BAME figures on UK Currency – I suggest George Floyd pushing a gun into a pregnant white Womans stomach or perchance little Lewis Hamilcunt doing the black panther terrorist salute – but I am doubtful – it won’t be these heroes for the cause,

I think it will end up being the forgotten (invented) black Woman who really landed on the Moon, or Deshawn Bannister, who everyone knows was the first Brudda to break the four minute Mile.

I think a nice image of me with my cock out and a t shirt with “Fuck BLM marxists” would be highly appropriate as a new image on our money, if Labour have anything to do with it there will be a hammer and bleeding sickle on it but luckily Boris the narcoleptic traitor will be asleep when they decide which terrorist or criminal they put on the money.

My fiver has a nice picture of Pitt the Younger on it – and despite the reputation of Yorkshire people for tightness if it comes to it I will unfold it to its full A4 size and consider finally breaking into it! (At gunpoint).

Don’t do it teaboy – I do not want to see some BAME fucker gurning at me every other Year when I get money out!

As the esteemed Sir Fiddler would say – “It’s a fucking disgrace”.

Nominated by: Vernon Fox 

https://www.thelondoneconomic.com/news/bame-figures-to-feature-on-uk-coins-for-first-time/26/07/

I nominate charity cheaters.

Now I have always had a healthy suspicion of the charity ethos. Firstly, because I doubt that most of the money ever reaches the intended recipients. And secondly, because those involved in raising money seem more interested in raising their own public profile. Especially celebs of course.

Well, covid has been charity central with every man and his dog doing something whacky like mountaineering on their stairs or sitting like a gnome in their garden for countless hours to bring their cause (and themselves) to the attention of the media. Sir Tom is an amiable exception though show-offs like Michael Ball hijacked his bandwagon.

Latest example is one Asif Amirat (as if I’m a rat) who claimed to be doing marathons around his coffee table. One a day for 100 days or so he said. He put some videos on face ache to prove his point. But they didn’t last long enough to verify his wondrous feats. And people started doing their sums and realising that nobody could do that many rounds of a coffee table in a day to match a marathon. Especially at the slouching pace Amirat moved at. Plus – he also has a full time job and young twins around the house.

In short the man is a fraud and although he raised £6000 for charidee I don’t think that excuses his cheating. He’s a cunt.

Nominated by: Lord Helpuss 

Hold the front page and stand by for some frightfully important news.

There have been some pointless publications in the past “Gardening With MIndfullness” (I kid you not), The Radio Times (each weekend when the schedule is nothing like they print), Hello, The Psychic News (“Good but not as good as next weeks issue), but surely the prize for the most risible, the most pointless wasre of trees – even more so than the Gemma Collins Bumper Book Of Diets, has to be “The New European” – I have cunted this “newspaper” once before, but this struggling tabloid (£3 an issue for those with more money than sense) has hit a new low, with their current buy-me-and-stop-one promotion offering you a “Remainer Passport Holder”:

https://www.subscriptionsave.co.uk/Newspapers/National-Newspapers/The-New-European/LTNSUM20

For fucks sake!. The snobbish holier-than-thou, I-am-more-intelligent-than-you motherfuckers who look down their North London noses at us common people don’t seem to have graspe that, legally, at least, we have already left the fucking EU.

Why don’t the publishers swallow theirpride and close this shitty rag down. If it does turn a prpfit, I’d like to know how so I could start up an equally fatuous paper like Flat Earth News.

Nominated by: W. C. Boggs