My family and I went out last night to a new Greek restaurant for a birthday dinner. As we were getting to our table, a waitress appeared at my side like the shopkeeper in Mr Benn. She had on a very low cut top and was clearly wearing a push-up bra. Very nice. Needless to say, I had to sit down very quickly.

An inconvenient horn can strike at the most in opportune of places. On the bus, in the pub, shopping for socks.

Summer where I live in the benighted colonies is pretty much eight months long and ladies young and old are fond of wearing very little. Nice. But that frisky fellow we all know and love can pop his head up at some very unsuitable times.

But who would want it any other way?

If this doesn’t give you the horn, you must be gay…

A very happy Eastender

Nominated by: Conduit of Evil

And talking of playing with horns, here’s this from Ron Knee

The Dangers of Sexual Gratification

Bloody Nora, it’s a dangerous life. Meat’s bad for you. Cheese and eggs are bad for you. Sugar and salt’s bad for you. Drink and ciggies are likely to kill you. Lack of exercise is bad for you…

Mmm… with regard to the exercise issue, I’d always understood that regular and enthusiastic indulgence in physical pleasure was supposed to be a beneficial activity, particularly with regard to the health of the heart. Well, apparently this is not necessarily the case.

Sobering media reports indicate that sexual activity accounts for about 14% of all strokes that occur. Even the simple act of self-pleasure has its risks, as the appended report illustrates. A 51-year-old Japanese man, who doctors stated ‘enjoyed pleasuring himself several times a day’, suffered an aneurysm while indulging in a five knuckle shuffle, and ended up nearly popping his clogs, never mind his cork.

Ffs, is nothing sacred? You can’t even have a bit of what you fancy without the Grim Reaper peering over your shoulder. This is a right load of toss and no mistake. I’m clearly living on borrowed time, but what the hell. It’s the way I’d like to go, so attend to me, wife; you’ve always said that I’d come to a sticky end…

Masturbating Not Good For you

and seconded by Two In The Stink

A supporting link to this nomination (in a manner of speaking).

100 German Wankers die every year

By the looks of it, the Allied powers could have won the 2nd World War quickly and easily just by carpet-bombing Germany with internet-capable laptops and setting the browser homepage to Pornhub.

I’m not sure if this (or something similar) has already been cunted but here goes. (yes, there was but don’t worry about it – Day Admin)

I’d like to cunt summer! People complain about winter but this is fucking Britain – get used to it!

At least with winter you can put the radiator on or more layers; in the summer, once you strip naked, all that’s left to remove is you skin. I’d also like to point out that winter is the only thing which occasionally has the effect of making economic gimmegrants think twice about invading old Blighty and fucking off back to the shit holes from whence they slithered.

Below is a list of my main issues with summer (although the list is not exhaustive):

– Humidity. Obviously the Sahara Desert doesn’t have to content with this problem. Lucky bastard Arabs don’t know they’re born! In fact, the fuckers should probably stay there and save the journey.

– Sweating. I bet Chimpanzees’ ball bags don’t stick to their legs…… oh yeah that’s right, they don’t really sweat.

– Hayfever. As the Scottish comedian Leo Kearse so eloquently put it in one of his standup routines, pollen is essentially plant jizz so hayfever season is like one giant plant bukkake. Fuck pollen.

– Flying Ants. Big, horrible, uncoordinated fuckers who all choose one day of the year to look for new nests. These dopey bints can’t fly for shit as they crash right into your face and don’t even attempt to make evasive maneuvers. It’s like they thought “well today is my first flying lesson so I think I’ll fly half way across the world and bomb Pearl Harbour”. Pricks.

– Wasps. Pointless, nasty, scratchy, angry little fuckers (scratchy because that’s the noise they make when they’re making a nest in your cavity wall). They don’t give us honey, they just fly around rocking the black and yellow attire of the bumblebee like some insect version of a Stella-addled bolshy chav wearing Burberry out to stab some innocent passer-by.

– Thrips. So small you can barely see them but you damn well know the little fuckers are there when they fly into your eye.

– Sky fire. That giant flaming ball in the sky not only gives me sunburn but also bleaches my hair to some hideous-looking, light dayglo ginger.

Just for balance, I think it only fair to highlight some of the good points of summer:

– Freshly-mown lawn smell (although grass messes with my hayfever so I guess this one gets cancelled-out).

– BBQs (Love the smell of burning charcoal and meat)

– Scantily-clad women.

That’s about it really. Mostly, summer is shite.

Nominated by: Two In The Stink

The RNLI are cunts.

A charity for lifeboats? My arse.

These cunts are migrant smugglers, and this picture has them caught in the act. These bastards will never get another penny from me, and if they are not fit for purpose, the RNLI should be defunded and shut down. Utter fucking cunts.

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/E6zjQsmXoAAUyoY?format=jpg&name=small

Nominated by: Norman

“Never in my life have I seen such poofery” would’ve bellowed Windsor Davies.

Yes, every 4 (or 5) years we get to watch sports which are so obscure, we’re not even sure if they’re sports. Some are enjoyable for this brief period during the Olympic Games. Most are not. The sport of synchronised diving though, is a bit of a weird one.

The men’s event; which, as a straight male, will probably be a criminal offence by the next Olympics; is an abomination. Good luck to Tom Daly for winning gold, but what was that lbgt rant all about after winning? What has getting men’s shite on your nob got to do with diving off a fucking board? He said something about gays might feel brave enough to try the sport or come out because he’d dived off a board into a pool, at the same time as another bender. And how oppressed the gay is.

Is he mad? Look at the BBC’s fawning (of course!) fucking article. It’s one of the longest I’ve ever seen. For a fringe ‘sport’. And he’s guaranteed a pundits’/presenting job at the BBC for life soon, I’m sure. Because he won gold? Partly, yes. Because he’s a good presenter? Doubt it. Because he’s a gay. Without doubt.

So this shite about gays being oppressed and disadvantaged nowadays is bollocks, but he has a point about them being oppressed in other countries. Will he mention them and why this happens? Peacefuls and third worlders? Of course not!

But the ladies’ event. I actually quite enjoyed that. Lots of nice arses and it seems an event the lezzas haven’t yet ruined by banning skimpy outfits or by putting shorts under skirts (tennis). Yes, the ladies’ event had outfits which were G-string esque in some cases. Side boobs in some cases too.

Although the BBC commentary team were most unfair on the British pair I saw. It seems the smaller the ‘splash’ on entering the water – the higher the marks. The cunts kept moaning about too much ‘splashback’ on entry. I’m sure I wasn’t the only one who’d noticed that our girls had big arses compared to say, the Chinese girls (I had a bigger arse when I was six).

It was like pushing Rick Waller into the local baths and not expecting a ripple.

Highly unfair.

But yes, what a fucking strange sport. I’d rather watch Diane Abbott take a shit than watch the men’s event. But you just might watch the ladies’ event one handed (not that I’d know anything about such things, you disgusting degenerates).

Daley’s Dream Comes True

Nominated by: Cuntybollocks 

And from a slightly different perspective, this from Fuglyucker 

Not all British Olympians are cunts, but a lot of them are, these are people who want to represent their country and be a shining example of being brits, we always have the weak arsed fuckers who have a mental meltdown and pull out because they didn’t win, we have the ones who turn out to be purveyors of modern chemistry and don’t deserve the win, or get caught.

Then we have this diving ponce, I can’t remember his name knitting in the crowd, it’s not bad enough him flaunting the fact that he, s a shirt lifter at any given opportunity, marrying his mate and adopting kids because neither of them are women, so now he has become the woman in the relationship public ally,

I know we are told to accept gays now and we try to, but fair is fair there is no need for the mincing, it wasn’t long ago a gay at the pool would have been lynched, now they knit woollen willy warmers in the crowd.

Makes me proud to be British, I don’t know about you….

Tom knits cardigan for hubby

Helpful links supplied by: Mr W.C. Knit One Pearl One Boggs

Allow me to help in the matter of Tom’s knitting:

Tom Gets Knitting at the Olympics

It’s clear that, like Lord Mandy, he is what our pansy friends call a “power bottom”. He clearly doesn’t believe in it is better to give thn receive:

Daley Knits in Tokyo Games

Comedy Tory cunt Jacob Rees Mogg is apparently an Extreme racist.
He used the term ‘Yellow Peril’ referring to the Libundemocrats’, the cunt.

Jacob Rees-Mogg has claimed he didn’t know an “extremely offensive racist term” he used in the House of Commons was offensive.

The Commons leader has apologised after he yesterday used the phrase “Yellow Peril” – considered a racist metaphor for a perceived threat from East Asian people to the West – in response to a question from an MP. Rees-Mogg was using the term to describe the Liberal Democrats.

Tory MP Damien Moore had said people in his constituency felt “under attack from the vindictive policies of Labour-controlled Sefton Council” for trying to “impose a cycle network”.

In reply, Rees-Mogg said: “I hear gossip that (Moore) is actually working in collaboration, and whisper it quietly, with the Liberal Democrats in his area against these schemes, which I think shows how completely lunatic they must be to have created an alliance between him and the Yellow Peril.”

The cunt. Imagine using a phrase that suggests that our Chinese friends are a danger to us and the world in general. How could he when it is obvious that the target of his racist utterings are the LiibDumbs who are completely innocuous and a waste of oxygen, so no peril to anyone.

Mogg in Yellow Peril Shock

Nominated by: Cuntstable Cuntbubble