An Inconvenient Horn

My family and I went out last night to a new Greek restaurant for a birthday dinner. As we were getting to our table, a waitress appeared at my side like the shopkeeper in Mr Benn. She had on a very low cut top and was clearly wearing a push-up bra. Very nice. Needless to say, I had to sit down very quickly.

An inconvenient horn can strike at the most in opportune of places. On the bus, in the pub, shopping for socks.

Summer where I live in the benighted colonies is pretty much eight months long and ladies young and old are fond of wearing very little. Nice. But that frisky fellow we all know and love can pop his head up at some very unsuitable times.

But who would want it any other way?

If this doesn’t give you the horn, you must be gay…

A very happy Eastender

Nominated by: Conduit of Evil

And talking of playing with horns, here’s this from Ron Knee

The Dangers of Sexual Gratification

Bloody Nora, it’s a dangerous life. Meat’s bad for you. Cheese and eggs are bad for you. Sugar and salt’s bad for you. Drink and ciggies are likely to kill you. Lack of exercise is bad for you…

Mmm… with regard to the exercise issue, I’d always understood that regular and enthusiastic indulgence in physical pleasure was supposed to be a beneficial activity, particularly with regard to the health of the heart. Well, apparently this is not necessarily the case.

Sobering media reports indicate that sexual activity accounts for about 14% of all strokes that occur. Even the simple act of self-pleasure has its risks, as the appended report illustrates. A 51-year-old Japanese man, who doctors stated ‘enjoyed pleasuring himself several times a day’, suffered an aneurysm while indulging in a five knuckle shuffle, and ended up nearly popping his clogs, never mind his cork.

Ffs, is nothing sacred? You can’t even have a bit of what you fancy without the Grim Reaper peering over your shoulder. This is a right load of toss and no mistake. I’m clearly living on borrowed time, but what the hell. It’s the way I’d like to go, so attend to me, wife; you’ve always said that I’d come to a sticky end…

Masturbating Not Good For you

and seconded by Two In The Stink

A supporting link to this nomination (in a manner of speaking).

100 German Wankers die every year

By the looks of it, the Allied powers could have won the 2nd World War quickly and easily just by carpet-bombing Germany with internet-capable laptops and setting the browser homepage to Pornhub.

51 thoughts on “An Inconvenient Horn

  1. Inconvenient Horn is the animal instinct that refuses to be tamed, the true ‘call of the wild’.
    Worst places for it to strike-
    1) chapel of rest
    2) funeral
    3) wedding (especially if your the vicar)
    4) christening
    5) scene of a accident
    6) a prostate examination
    7) swimming baths

    Bus journeys used to set this off when I was younger,
    The rocking about, vibration, etc.
    Watch where you sit on public transport…

  2. When I was at school for the first half term of the 3rd year, what they would call year 9 today, we had to spend our games lesson on ballroom dancing! I think this was supposed to be part of our education to be proper gentlemen. Anyway, after some basic instruction we had to saunter over to the girls and ask them to dance. They had already been told by the female PE staff that they weren’t allowed to say no and we fucking knew that.
    So you may think we all rushed over to the tasty birds to get our grubby little hands on them. Quite the opposite. It was the fat ugly munters who were in demand. The reason being that we were terrified that being in close proximity and physical contact with a tasty bird would give us a massive and embarrassing boner. I often wonder if those dragons knew what was going on as we all competed to get our hands on them.
    Oh to be 13 again eh?…… when you could get a massive hard on for no particular reason whatsoever! You could be sitting there, minding your own business and suddenly…….what the fuck! Where the fuck did that come from? Sadly, those days are long gone and they ain’t coming back.
    Trust me.

  3. I dare say my boner is inconvenient to Mrs Terry from time to time haha.
    Very good.

  4. This is a real problem for me…I.of course,have a massive cock and can pass out due to all the blood needed to inflate my ” horn”…as you can imagine this can be very dangerous when stood on top of a ladder peering through Miss Arterton’s bathroom window…particularly as I need both hands off the ladder to keep my massive member under control.

    I wonder if my handicap qualifies me for the Special Olympics ?….not that I could take part in any of the running or jumping events anyhow..the danger of tripping is too great ( the hurdles in particular would be a nightmare) but I can see myself doing quite well in the swimming particularly if that hot chick Ellie Simmonds was in front of me…they’d have to change the water first though….no fucking way I’m splashing my way through a soup of Tom Daley’s pick-and mix anal discharge and drowned Dark-Keys.

  5. Remember as a nine year old I got an inconvenient horn whilst contemplating Jesus being nailed to the cross.

    • We’ll see if you get an inconvenient horn when I’m the bouncer at The Gates of St.Peter and you present your blasphemous self for judgement.

      You should be prosecuted by a Papal Court in the mean time.


      • Well, the thought of going to Hell gives me the horn, so I’ll be quids in! 👍

        Morning Dick.

  6. I once went to a exhibition in a art gallery of the life of Anne Frank.
    A very sobering experience,
    Hushed reverential tones,
    Some horrendous photos and warnings from a bleak period in history.

    I had to take my leather belt off to bite down on as I feverishly tugged myself to completion in the toilets.

    • You are one sucky little puppy.

      Was Dick guarding the cubicle door? Or had he fallen off his ladder into Gemma’s privet hedge?

      • Dick was cutting a glory hole into the next door disabled toilet.

        “Canny pair on that lass in the wheelchair”..

    • Wow!
      You really did play Anne Franks drumkit😀👍

      Morning Mis/all👍

      • Morning CG,👍

        Watched the old Steptoe film few weeks back,
        One where Harold gets invited in by the late Diana Dors?
        In the film she bends over and you see her knickers,
        Now Diana was a fat old sow and I didn’t think I was attracted to her in the least.
        I was wrong!!
        My winky stood to attention for about 20minutes!!

  7. I think that I speak for us all when I say that we await eagerly the observations on this matter of Cuntstable.

    • We might be waiting a while…the very mention of “horn” has probably left him stuck to the bedsheets and waiting for Mrs.Cuntstable to fetch a bolster chisel and lump-hammer to crack him free.

      The man is a reprobate.

      • All that talk regarding you peeking through Ms Arterton’s bedroom window, has probably caused a considerable delay to Mr Cunstable’s attendance here!

        Or perhaps at his age he needs some considerable support to assist in an early morning horn!

  8. My 3rd year form tutor, Miss Ross (or perhaps Mizz Ross), back during my days in the 70s and the local comprehensive school.

    She really was a prick-teasing young tart, probably in her mid to late 20s. But always made a habit of wearing extremely short black pencil skirts and stockings; white diaphanous tops, to the point where in summer you could just make out her pert nipples and dark areola when the sun shone through the classroom windows at a particular time of day.

    She’d also sit on her desk, and cross her long slender legs – Basic Instinct fashion.

    It was probably the only time in all my 6-7 years at that school that I regretted having my desk at the back of the classroom!

    • Christ Techno, your story’s given me a right hard on and no mistake. Trouble is, I’m a bit reluctant now to act on it for fears I might cark it while in action…

      • Well the GP could always write on your death certificate “He died peacefully with his sock on!”

      • Yeah! It’s a bit of a sobering thought that you’ve got a 14% chance of having a stroke while you’re having a stroke…
        Ah bollocks, the missus has just come out of the shower and is wandering around in her skimpies now…
        Time to play a bit of Russian roulette.

  9. The supersized British lady weightlifter gave me the Surprise Horn I’m not really ashamed to say.
    She could wear her silver medal whilst I wrestled myself into her romantic holes.

    • Fucking hell, you need some help… and quick!

      Gone right off my breakfast now. cheers.

      • Oh hang on. I jumped the gun. Thought you meant that NZ man/woman thing and her jerk and snatch


      • I don’t think it matters which weightlifter it was with the dirty fuckers on here

      • ‘Not reached the bottom of that wretched barrel’- it’s only a matter of time for someone like you.

  10. The horn anywhere other than the bedroom is usually inconvenient, on a side note after my last Greek food experience ,Shit with a capitol fucking F dosnt begin to cover it, shit wine ,leaves soaked in vinegar, something that looked like sticky shredded wheat and yogurt, shit,shit fucking shit, never again.
    So judging by what you must of been expecting she must have been one hell of a waitress, but this still isnt compensation enough for one of the worst meals you will ever have.
    That said i know a couple of Greek guys who run an Italian restaurant and its the dogs, but i dont think there is anything Greek on the menu and rightly so….fucking awfull

    • The only food approaching the term ‘edible’ in Greece is the Greek Salad. That was my staple diet when I was last out there in 2006.

  11. Too be fair it was my ex bosses xmass do and the cunt was trying to cheap out, anyway after Mrs fugly had drank a barrel of the kack wine, she got up on her chair and called my ex boss a gobshite cunt, so the evening wasnt completely lost, funny now but then not so much….

  12. It isnt the Inconvenient Horn that’s the problem. It’s the Inappropriate Horn that gets you into trouble – at the school nativity play, at the dentists etc.. I am sure RTC can share his experiences of how debilitating it can be.

  13. My nieces 21st birthday party last year, in blazing sunshine was torture. Her friends arrived in various states of undress but their dignity was just about maintained. That was until the drink started flowing. At which point there was gusset being flashed in all directions and tits popping out everywhere. It then became a real battle to contain my own dignity and not appear as some old letch. I failed miserably.

    • I remember I had the same problem at my daughter’s 18th a while back now. God it was a great sixth year at her school that year!

      • This is a situation many fathers can find themselves in. The cure I was recommended was one of those cold packs in the underpants. Keeps everything cool and small. Inadvertent fainting is one of the possible effects along with odd voice and some users appear to grimace a lot. On the plus side your dignity is preserved and you don’t get labelled a deviant. Now this alone in the days of social media is a gift from the gods so grin and freeze it. You know it makes sense

  14. Blimey, I thought I had a vivid imagination.
    The Marquis Dr Sade had fuck all on the dissolute contributers on here.
    We had a French teacher in her mid twenties who’d sit on the desk, legs partly open and stockings+suspenders. It was all too much for the lad next to me who would wank himself senseless until the time he had to stand up and recite some frogspeak.

  15. I remember get my first boner aged about 10 or 11 in the early 80’s whilst watching Kate Bush performing ‘Babooshka’ in that metallic gold bikini thing on Top of the Pops and distinctly remember my mothet being in the room and having to pop a cushion over it.
    That is possibly the last entirely innocent boner I ever got. All subsequent horns have been achieved through ungodly horror and depravity.

    • In a similar vein (ha!) I recall preteen horns at the likes of “Pan’s People” & “Legs and Co” on Top of the Pops; and later in my teen years, “Hot Gossip”, on the Kenny Everett Video/Television Shows.

  16. I remember as an 11 year old, our female PE teacher – a stunning young lady in her 20s, petite with a super fit body, showing us how to straddle the high jump bar. She did this stationary, in slow motion, showing us her tidy camel toe through her dark blue skimpies under her short PE skirt as she parted her legs.

    Imagine the effect on an 11 year old, who was just starting to go through those boy to man changes! A felt a bit of moisture at the tip, I swear.

  17. I remember in a games lesson at school at the age of about 12 a lad named Martin getting a boner in the showers afterwards and us all whipping him with wet towels and calling him an up hill gardener.
    Welcome to the school of hard knocks.

  18. I wish someone had told me when I was young that wanking was dangerous. I’m lucky to be alive.

  19. This recent heatwave has been causing havoc with the old boy. My well upholstered and stunning Italian neighbour in very little as she walks her dog. Always stops to have a chat when I’m doing the garden. Good job my lower half is hidden by a fence or the privits.

    The blonde leggy student bit who lives at the top of the road also has a similar effect.

  20. “Single Japanese man almost masturbates himself to death…”
    FFS. That has got to be the best headline ever. 😂🤣😂

  21. Theres a literary phrase ‘the horn of plenty’.
    Yeats uses it about the beauty of Maud Gonne.
    He doesnt say wether he had plenty of horns over her during his long years of devotion.
    No, that wouldnt have really fitted with his poetic persona.

    Probably some modern poet has used it describing a beautiful woman. ‘
    Ending his poem “And I got the horn’.

  22. Watching Mad Men was most incovenient.
    Christina Hendricks gave me the raging horn every time it was on….

Comments are closed.