I’m really not sure where to start with this but I’ve just watched the Aug 1 summary of the days events and well…

The first half hour or so given over to speculation and nonsensical chit chat with the family of Max Whitlock ( who is clearly a phenomenal athlete btw) with Clare ‘tuppence’ Balding and some faux cockney dark key.

Then, fuck my old brown boots, the men’s 100m final, the blue riband event, given fuck all time. The men’s high jump (which ended in a wonderfully emotional tie ffs!) given the same treatment!

We then had Michael Johnson talking sense about how shit the British athlete in the 100m was and its time to cut back to the fucking bmx racing.

What an absolute bunch of cunt.

Nominated by: Kunte Kunty

Amazon packaging

I ordered a micro sd card the other day. A tiny thing that could easily fit in a padded envelope. I went shopping and found a note from the post office stating it couldn’t be delivered as I wasn’t in at the time.

Of course my local post depot is only open when there’s a full moon or a solar eclipse, so I had to wait ages to actually pick it up.

The size of the box was big enough to fit a fucking microwave in. All for a tiny micro sd card. It appears Jeff Bezos gives no fucks about the environment at all.

Not to mention the time I bought an umbrella and it was delivered in a box the size of a fucking freezer. Cunts.

Nominated by: LazyBiscuits

Men Crying in Public.

As I watched the early morning news headlines and saw Tom Daley receiving his gold medal at the Tokyo Olympics the inevitable happened. With my piss on a slow simmer, Daley started to publicly blub for the cameras like a homecoming queen on prom night who had been arse drilled by the high school star quarterback in the back of his car.

Such public displays of feminized emasculated men reduced to a blubbering mess of emotional incontinence are now normalised and even celebrated. Traditional masculine norms of being strong, composed and stoic are now old fashioned or dismissed as examples of “toxic masculinity” and ” the patriarchy”.

Its the public bit that gets me really, what folk get up to behind closed doors is non of my business, its the insincerity and narcissism, no doubt helped along by social media. Of course this isn’t all men but you know the sort, liberal left-wing, Labour voting bearded skinny jeans and smashed avocado on toast wankers, the sort who cry over Brexit or Chiggun George or the melting icecaps. Sports stars win or lose it doesn’t matter, actors, political opportunists, Prince Halfwit on anything, let the tears flow!

I have seen my dad cry once in my lifetime when my nan died and that was in private, my grandad always maintained his dignity in public on Remembrance Sunday when thinking about his mates who never came home from the war and would have been of the opinion to kick one of these dickheads in the bollocks for crying over such pointless shite

It almost brings a tear to your eye.

Nominated by: Liberal Liquidator

and supported by: W.C. Boggs

Dainty Tom might have even more to cry about this autumn as they want him for the same sex department of Strictly Come Mincing:

Strictly Come Poncing

The tears will doubtless spoil his makeup and fake tan.

A very quick cunting for corporate sharks E.ON.

Who are Eurohuns based in Essen, but in manoeuvres reminiscent of Putin’s sale of state assets to his chums, are part of the bewildering number of companies now flogging power from this country’s once-excellent national grid to those unfortunate cunts who like cooked food and warm houses in winter. Who put their prices up by 8% last time. Who have just created a kindergarten-themed lets-all-be-happy new customer account interface, without consulting any customers, to the best of my knowledge.

The new account is designed to
(a) Maximise the irritation of anyone not wanting a smart meter, and require that customer to do his own meter reading, monthly (see (c))
(b) By means of constant nagging, coerce the customer into a direct-debit arrangement.
(c) Reduce the billing interval from three to one monthly
(d) Cut the esteemed customer off if the cash doesn’t reach the E.ON coffers within a week of their outrageous bills being presented.
All this, under the rubric of “Cheerful Energy”. I kid you not. Sad to say, this makes me feel no happier about paying through the nose to a malevolent corporate whose profits last year were over £9 billion.

I’ve switched. Bulb isn’t a whole lot better, but at least it doesn’t insult my intelligence, and charges less.

Here is my reply to the tragically wounded, though obviously much reproduced, automatic email expressing E.ON’s sense of loss at my departure:

What convinced me to leave was your imposition of an entirely new account structure, with an infantile and patronising customer interface, the loss of 3-monthly billing, and constant pressure to make your access to my bank account trouble-free (for you) as, regardless of any savings you have made by this, your prices continued to rise.

I have switched to a company with far higher levels of customer satisfaction, offering cheaper prices. Although the corporate-friendly business model appears now to be universal, and quarterly billing is apparently obsolete, at least its website does not consist of kindergarten graphics and an Orwellian ‘don’t think about the price, be happy’ message.

 

There is no such thing as ‘cheerful energy’, playmates. Not if you’re paying for it.

Talking of customer satisfaction, google Mumsnet + E.ON, if you think I’m being too harsh on the cunts. Hell hath no fury…

Mumsnet EON Fury

Nominated by: Komodo

Carly Simon is a cunt.

Hasn’t done anything of note for decades (if ever), and she has dined out for years on ‘You’re So Vain’. A crap song anyway, but the way cunts in the media are so obsessed about who it’s (supposed to be) about.

Simon has deliberately kept people guessing about this record, and dropping hints about who it was aimed at, gaining tons of publicity in the process. And this ridiculous ‘quiz’ is still going. Who is You’re So Vain about?

Seriously, who fucking cares?

Carly Cunt’s Version

This version with The Stones is better.

The Stones’ Version

Nominated by: Norman