A deserted, fully-lit council office in Bodmin, Cornwall. What could be going on here? Have the staff all walked out in disgust because someone put the jam on top of the cream on his scone in the staff canteen?

Are they hiding smuggled contraband and had to scarper fast when they saw the Excise Officer approaching? Is Rick ‘Mr Padstow’ Stein outside making another boring programme about how fucking marvellous Cornwall is and they’re all trying to be filmed in the background?

No, none of these. In fact it’s 9.30pm and the lights are all on because nobody has been trained to switch them off. It’s not the first time either, and apparently County Hall in Truro is just as bad.

Anyway, Management are on top of it now. After training in how to switch off a light, staff will receive training in how to tie their shoelaces and how to wipe their arses after a shit.

Cornwall live

Nominated by Geordie Twatt.

“Good afternoon. This is IsAC’s culture, media and entertainment correspondent Ron Knee reporting. Followers of the site will be well aware of ‘EastEnders’, the BBC series renowned for its gritty yet realistic depiction of East End life. I’m delighted to be joined by the show’s executive producer Josephine Bloggs, who is going to tell us about a couple of stunningly original plot developments”.

“Hi Ron! Hi everybody! Please call me Joe. All my chums at Auntie do. So let me
start by revealing our new 2023 Christmas storyline. Are you ready? There’s *gasp* going to be a murder in the square on Christmas Day!”.

“Huh? We only gave you this interview because you promised some ‘original’ content. There have been over thirty murders in ‘EastEnders’ to date!”.

“Yes but this is a first. A murder on Christmas Day. At least I think it’s a first; I’ll have to get back to you on that one. Anyway that’s irrelevant. What matters is we’re giving the punters what they want. The fans like nothing more than a whopping dose of despondency and misery during the festive season”.

“Er, right. So what else have you got for us?”.

“Well now this really is sensational. I’m letting the cat out of the bag *snigger* but just between us, I can reveal that Michelle Collins is returning to the show as Cindy Beale!”.

“But hang on. I thought that the character died in prison sometime in the 1980s. That’s hardly true to life is it?”.

“Oh don’t be a grumpy old crosspatch. It’s a real first for the show, just like when we killed off Dirty Den, then resurrected him, then killed him off again. People do ‘die’ and come back in real life you know. Cindy might’ve been in a coma or something for 25 years”.

“Cosmic. Well thanks for joining us Joe. I’m sure that our followers are reassured to learn of the BBC’s on-going commitment to realism in drama. You can rest assured that on the basis of these revelations, they’ll be flocking to renew their licence payments in their thousands. This is Ron Knee, for IsAC, returning you to the studio”.

Ok.co.uk

Metro

Nominated by Ron Knee.

 

The resignation of Phillip Schofield made me realise just how much I despise television now. The fakery of it. Thr facade of bonhomie on shite like This Morning hiding bullying and venomous sniping. I wonder if something about Nasty Munchetty will be divulged.

These presenters and producers are not quite human; lying reptiles gas lighting the public, using weasel words- ‘some people might say/argue, ‘so-called Islamic State’. These sociopaths hiding their hatred of their viewers behind smiles and make up. Their bogus, ostentatious ‘fact checkers’, their disdain for history, their participation in dangerous lies about gender.

The flea-brained gotcha interviews, the predictable panel shows and comedy (Orange maaaannn baaaad! Daily Mail! Brexit Boris Bumbly Boo!)
Audiences of clapping braying seals, laughing on command.

the blatant propaganda in soaps and dramas, the ubiquity of finger wagging in historical settings.
The bait and switch of undermining the legend of established male characters, their strength and resourcefulness mocked by cheap sass, sophomore snark and obnoxious attitudes in physically, psychologically and demographicallyunrealistic worlds created by emotionally incontinent adult-children who have no experience of anywhere or anyone beyond London, New York or Los Angeles and whose knowledge of the world doesnt go much further in space or in time.

Modern television offers nothing to anybody with an IQ higher than that of a house cat, or with any moral courage or pride in themselves or the nation.

It has truly become the idiot lantern.

Nominated by Cuntamus Prime.
A great cunting in my opinion as I don’t watch telly and haven’t done for a few years now, C.A.

 
Fucking Phillip Scofield is a chutney ferret of a cunt and trying to play the victim and ride on the back of the Caroline Flack situation just multiplies that a hundred fold.
Now I have never liked this attention seeking sausage jockey, even before he was gay, once a cunt always a cunt in my book, there are no shortage of examples on this arse clowns exploits.

But the latest leave me alone I’m the victim bollocks or I may do myself harm that his PR company is trying to spin to allow them to get this rooter tooter and shooter back into the limelight truly makes me want to chuck.
So Phil I have you on the deadpool and a win would be nice ya cunt.

Nominated by Fuglyucker and seconded by Freddie the Frog below.

I was about to nominate the media attempt to resurrect this sack of shit myself. It’s not really about him anymore it’s about what they want us to believe.

Anyone who thinks this cunt is going to top himself I can only say……if only!
I fully support the nomination of this excuse for a human being and I have a lot to say about it.

Daily Record

Having watched the trailer for the new Indiana Jones film errrrr thing??
It looks like the usual modern Disney take on an established film series and taking the biggest, sloppiest, smelliest dump on it.

The title alone is crap. Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny!!!!

I have a better title: Indiana Jones and the hackneyed modern trope ridden clusterfuck omnishambles.

I bet you can’t guess the plotline can you dear readers??

What’s that you say? Old Indy (and he is old now Harrison Ford must be abaaaaht 81) is past it and there’s feisty female character who is better than him in every conceivable way. Played by Phoebe Waller-Bridge.

That’s incredible! How the hell did you work it out?
Oh wait, because it’s the same plotline that’s been inflicted on film-goers for the last 10 years.

How does Phoebe Wally-Bird keep getting work?
Does she have some Edward Snowden level dirt on the Hollyweird elite?
Does she have a copy of Jeffrey Epstein’s notebook and a hard drive with a backup of his video collection?

The story line involves time travel back to the second world war (ffs ?)
Of course Phoebe’s character never passes up an opportunity to rebuke Indy because he’s a toxic privileged male (natch). Is this not elderly abuse?

The baddie (just for a change) is played by Mads Mikkelsen.

The CGI looks like questionable as if it was done by the work experience lad who only had access to a PC running Windows XP

Here’s the trailer judge for yourself

I predict that this current narrative bullshit in all of these films will be parodied in about 10 years time and people will look back and say what the fuck was all that about eh?

I think I’m just not going to watch any fillums or television programmes made after about 2009 from now on.

What a crock of shit.

How abaaaht Indiana Jones and the Incontinence pants of destiny.

Youtube

Nominated by Harold.