I am delighted to see our women progressing in the world cup, they show a lot of spirit to come through tough matches. OK Lauren James is as thick as she is ugly, getting caught doing that stupid stamp. Her TV ads continue though. Don’t think that would happen with a male white footballer somehow.

Anyhow, ITV use Emma Hayes as the match pundit. I understand she is the successful Chelsea manager and all that but boy is she irritating or “irrita’ing” as she would say with her Estuary English glottal stop. She talks of “Abili’ies”, “Quali’ies”, “Tati’cal”, “Stra’egies”.

She has also introduced a lexicon of phrases hitherto unknown to football such as “second phase balls” and “double pivots”. Eh? Even the main commentator has stopped to ask her to explain what these mean to the TV audience.

She is also extremely butch and has previous form as the link proves.

followfollow.com

If we get to the final, please let it be on the BBC despite the woke all-female panel and Ian Wright.

Nominated by Lord Helpus.

A cunting for this daft hippy dippy Earth mother bint and her cuckold husband. They flew 4,000 miles so she could give birth on an exotic beach in St Lucia so she could “fulfil their dream of welcoming their second child in the most natural way possible”. Boasting on Instagram to other self-absorbed bellends more like.

When her water broke early and she gave birth at sea when in transit to this Caribbean Narnia, it triggered a bureaucratic nightmare as they are unable to register the birth or get a passport to get back to the UK as well as running low on food and money.

I have no doubt family members are trying to raise the necessary moolah through GoFundMe to bring these pair of attention seeking twats home. Let them get a dinghy, every other cunt does.

Anyway what’s wrong with Skeggy?

Mirror

Nominated by Liberal Liquidator.

Cunters you will have to follow L/L’s link to see the couple in question, all the pictures I found included the child and infants do not belong on here, C.A.

 
Currently every credulous cunt in the country is gathered on the shores of Loch Ness with the stated intention of capturing an hallucination. We are familiar with the myth: there is a gigantic creature unknown to science lurking in the near-freezing peaty depths of the loch.

In the link, a clown is seen explaining that plesiosaur remains* have been found in the UK and that these are somehow relevant: a plesiosaur (woooo!) may have survived and bred in the loch during the 66 million years since they became extinct everywhere else, ignoring a couple of major ice ages at that. Help, Nurse, his meds have worn off.

Further, the link claims that a distant thermal anomaly on the loch shore is the beastie, rather than a sheep, say, a quad bike, someone having a crafty fag, a wild swimmer or anything warm- blooded and fatally uninsulated against the chill of a Highland loch, really.

All this is nonsense, of course. The odd seal might make it through the Caledonian Canal, perhaps…very perhaps….but there is absolutely fuck all unusual about the loch other than its size and the intriguing tectonics of its location in a gigantic strike-slip fault zone. As anyone not into ear candles and crystals living in the region will tell you. The Loch Ness Monster is a necessary aid to getting the awful local hotels and campsites filled with gullible people, but let’s not confuse it with anything that exists in fact.

PS. The “Surgeon’s Picture” is included in the catalogue of pseudoscience presented in that clip. I will now for the first time reveal what this actually is. It is identical in all respects to the emerging tail of a black Labrador dog which is diving for a thrown stone. Long ago I had a black Lab cross which did this, most enthusiastically, and only her tail remained above water. There is nothing to indicate the scale of that picture, and please note the little tuft of fur at the tip.
I would like to have met that surgeon….he’d have been a laugh.

*Jurassic ones

Mirror

Nominated by Komodo.

 
“Good afternoon. This is IsAC’s Hollywood reporter Ron Knee bringing you all the latest news and gossip from the glittering world of Tinseltown.

Today, there’s one and only one story in La La Land; yes, the news that’s set the whole town alight is that superstar movers and shakers Harry and Migraine have laid out a cool $3 million to purchase the rights to Carley Fortune’s novel ‘Meet Me By The Lake’. The word on the street, and indeed in securely gated communities in Beverly Hills, is that the A-list duo plans to produce a blockbuster film adaptation for Netflix.

Speculation is already rife about who might play the romantic leads (a couple who, like Hank and Skank, meet in their 30s), with the grapevine buzzing that Tom Cruise and Emily Blunt are desperate to sign up. It’s strongly rumoured however that Markle sees the female lead as being an ideal vehicle to relaunch her glittering acting career, after taking a break to play at being a princess for a while and collect numerous awards for her humanitarian work.

Apparently the Markles were intrigued by the themes which the book explores. As I mentioned, it tells the story of the love which blossoms between a couple in their 30s, and tackes issues such as alcohol and drug abuse. A central theme relates to the struggle of one of the central characters after the loss of a parent in a car crash.
It is understood however that no parallels should be drawn between the lives of the Markles and any characters in the novel, and that any resemblance to any persons alive or dead are purely coincidential.

Naturally your correspondent will be following this sensational story around the clock, and will report any developments as soon as they occur. In the meantime, this is Ron Knee, for IsAC, returning you to the studio”.

Express

Nominated by Ron Knee.

 
I would like to serve up a rice and peas, reggae sauce infused cunting for this shit fest that is heaped on West London this time of year.

I used to run a shop on Westbourne Grove once, slap bang in the heart of the action. You literally had no fucking choice but to board up everything at least five days in advance, so as to avoid the (inevitable) looting and robbing.

Then the carnival itself, I could go on forever, so I’ll try and keep it brief:

If you are anything other than a shade of brown expect to get hissed at through teeth at every corner. And offered really shit quality weed and/or other drugs, possibly at the same time.

If you are unlucky to have a apartment in the area that hasn’t been barricaded (as my other half did once), expect various cunts to try and let themselves in. Normally to use the toilet. If they can’t access your own facilities expect your garden/the street outside.

As for the robberies / stabbings (a given), trust me – a lot more goes unreported.

The celebrated sound systems all sound utterly shit, with so much bass and sound clashing between floats that it is just a fucking sonic mess. The kids bit is actually not bad but expect not to see anything because of the crowds.And the cuisine.. fuck me. Have you actually looked at goat curry close up? Hint: You don’t see many urban foxes about in that area in August.

What really has grated my gears though is that when anybody speaks the truth about the above, such as Mayoral Candidate Susan Hall, they get shot down in the name of ‘diversity’ by the usual suspects:

Guardian

Nominated by Coño in Spanish.

More on this shit fest from Lord Cuntingford below

I haven’t been watching the nominations page on this esteemed organ, so not sure if anyone has cunted this year’s Notting Hill Carnival.

I cannot believe that this festival of violence, thievery and sexual depravity is still allowed. I saw some videos of mostly black persons hanging on a bridge and, what I believe, is called twerking (this involves two blacks, with the female grinding her bottom into the groin of the male of the species, and involves much whooping to other couples involved in the same). Seriously, I thought I was watching a zoo. The Tory London mayoral candidate has suggested moving it to a park, away from Notting Hill – based on what I was watching, a safari park may be more suitable.

Also, some senior copper (apparently also black – because white people are no longer allowed to be in any senior position) says something like he understands the significance of the event to the carribbean community, but can’t accept the violence towards his officers. Well matey, this is carribbean culture- violence, thievery, producing offspring with no responsibility.

If this was an annual event of almost entirely white people, then I’m sure it would have been shut down years ago.

Bbc news

Youtube