The modern car. When I say modern I am taking a slight liberty, it has a number of gizmos on it and a computer regulated engine so what could go wrong?

Well after a diagnosis of failing health I moved over to an automatic car, it had to be done in a speedy fashion so I grabbed the first one to cross my path an MOT failure that was easily fixable with a tin of expanding foam, some body filler and a new exhaust .

Well 3 years into its new life the car has developed a number of rather annoying habits, one being the gearbox which now seems to have an inbuilt danger sensor and reduces power on entering roundabouts or when asked to overtake or simply pulling onto a main road.

Its latest trick is the central locking that has developed epilepsy, the fucking thing wouldn’t let me out last night, I got home and tried to get out and the system went into a click click fit for a good 3 minuets leaving me stuck in the car.

This morning the fucking thing did the same trick trying to keep me out, the neighbours were woken by the central locking system machine gunning away, fortunately the alarm did not come in to play, which is also up the shitter and goes off should I attempt something so bizarre as gain access by the drivers door. (I think the lock may be jammed with accumulated earwax from the previous owners)

All in all the car is a total cunt and I yearn for the days when cars were cars and the only thing that went wrong with them were brakes, clutch or engine.

Nominated by lord benny

I would like to aim a well deserved cunting to Internet service providers. I love the internet, it has made me super picky what porn I watch (just plain fucking doesn’t do it for me anymore) watch cunts get a real deserved cunting etc etc.

What I dislike is when the speed of my browsing/ streaming is not what I have been promised by the likes of bollocks telecucks.

I fucking hate having a page load for minutes and then get the message ‘no Internet connection’

I’m fucking spending a fortune every month for 80 mb of internet and you’re giving me internet from the dark ages of dial up.

The fucking gall of the cunts, they even charge me 40 quid for line rental

They’re all a bunch of thieving cunts.

Nominated by Cuntflappage

I would like to cunt the head of OFSTED. Amanda Spielman. She has just stated that same sex relationships have to be taught in schools including PRIMARY schools. For fucks sake let kids be kids you fucking demented morons..
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-birmingham-47282724

Nominated by Richard1

I have received a notice from these cunts headed “Annual Tax Summary 2017 -18”. This piece of crap outlines how much I paid and how each pound was spent by the Government. It doesn’t purport to be a tax demand or anything other than an advice.

Now I could cunt the actual items of expenditure but this is not what made my piss boil.

My anger is aimed at the cost of sending this sort of crap out to 30 million taxpayers….we all have to pay tax and I receive a P60 every year. If it costs £1 in postage and admin, the cost to us is £30 million (I may be simple of mind but I checked the arithmetic on two calculators). The statistics are freely available online indicating expenditure. So this is a pointless exercise, probably thought up by some young numpty who has never really earned an honest penny. After all, it’s not their money to throw away.

My piss was then doubly distilled by the timing of this. I am a PAYE employee. My tax is paid up front every month. It therefore took HMRC, 12 months to produce this piece of very absorbent arse roll. If I was a day late in producing anything to the tax authorities, there are what they describe as “Stiff Penalties” for non compliance.

Thankfully, we have a strong and stable government that will sort this kind of wasteful nonsense out……NOT!

Cunts.

Nominated by Cunting Time

Euphemism users are Cunts.

I ran into an acquaintance who I hadn’t seen for a while. When I made the mistake of asking about his wife (a fine looking tart in her day and not overly burdened with morals), he told me that he’d “lost Jennifer over a year ago”…I nearly burst out laughing. It sounded like he’d left a bag of shopping on the bus or something, where it still was,forever doomed to an endless tour of rural Northumberland.

A few more….

Lazy,wobbly Fat-Fuck ….. cuddly
Thick Cunt……… educationally-challenged
Raving Nutter….. a character
Spazz…differently-abled
Gay….predatory homosexuals who behave and dress like drunken tarts on a Blackpool hen-night.

Normal people shouldn’t be forced to adopt these “polite” terms..Call a Spade a Spade (or Darkie), I say. After all,nobody is fooled for long,but sometimes I have to stop and try and decipher what the fuck people mean when they use these silly terms.

Fuck Off.

Nominated by Dick Fiddler