We’re updating your Account

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Ever get those irritating emails whereby your bank, building society, internet browser, ISP or in fact anyone you do business with online want to inform you that they’re changing the T&Cs in your account, or they’re updating your product, or changing you private information. Or worse still they’ve decided to completely update their website/app so that you’ve got relearn everything that took you a fucking age to get used to first time round!

And the more apps/websites you sign up to the more of these annoying emails and popups you have to deal with, which often includes reading pages of bollocks that make little or no sense and when you think about it probably makes no odds to you anyway.

I wouldn’t mind if it was once or twice a year, but some cunts like Google or Wankbook do this anything up to 5 or 6 times a year, especially Facebook, who seem to look overengineering their website to include new feature or reinvent old ones and move things around to the extent where you don’t know where the fuck you are!

Personally I’d be inclined to email these cunts back with a “I’m updating my thoughts about you. Fuck off and die!”

Nominated by Technocunt.

50 thoughts on “We’re updating your Account”

  1. Don’t forget cookies, not the nice bakery item the fucking intrusive pop-up that slams into the middle of the page as you are reading a article..

    Alright you got me the celebrity nude fake of margot Robbie, puts you right off your stroke.

    Those cunts appear more regularly than a surgeon and doctor on a Kent beach.

  2. ‘We value your privacy’ is the one that gets me. No you dont, if you did you wouldnt flood my device with the demon cookies in the first place. Media/News outlets like Reach are by far the worst with literally hundreds hidden behind a ‘legitimate interest’ tab that are enabled by default and every single one needs turning off manually. Legitimate my arse. Even if you make and save your choices they ask again later if you only acccept ‘essential’ and later return. Fuck them and their intrusion, and fuck their ‘its not broken but lets fix it anyway’ attitudes. Cunts.

    • I fucking hate Reach, they’ve made reading anything on a phone or tablet absolutely impossible. 12 million adverts and videos, all of which need to be loaded before the article you want to read. Fuck off.

      • Use ghostery browser, adblock plus and a decent paid for vpn. All those adverts and cookies disappear down a black hole to an anonymous bunch of ip addresses. Makes web surfing on a phone or tablet less stressful.

  3. Aye those terms and conditions emails are annoying shite..

    You’d need to hire a team of lawyers to read the cunt.

    Fuck that,get in Spam…..oven.

    Morning Gents.

  4. Even worse, I discovered an employer can alter the terms of a contract of employment without consent.
    You would think this unlawful, but apparently not.

      • The term should be banned by the trades description act. They arent cookies, they are spy files and nothing less. Now unfortunately I am a slave to the proper cookie, hence being a tad overweight and having a bigger waist than id like, but have had a sweet tooth all my life and not stopping now.

  6. The internet thingy is all about speedy communication. Except, of course when it is you who is trying to communicate your dissatisfaction with a service, or get a doctor’s appointment. Of course, if you are scared of your own shadow, you can also get government warnings about worrying weather, or dangerous covids variants.

    Personally, am surprised that the Lib Dems haven’t made more of the internet instead of dropping endless, childishly crayoned in shite bits of paper through my fucking letterbox. I am sure they could contact us at least five times a day spreading their monotonous drivel. ‘LibDems are winning here!’; ‘Only us or the Tories can win here – see the attached special bar chart’; ‘New community drop in for losers opening close to you’; ‘How we need more cycle lanes to unleash the potential of yogurt.’ ‘Ed Davey is a very nice man.’ Fuck off.

    Good morning, everyone.

  7. Motor car adverts where the (tiny) Ts & Cs state that the car shown is loaded with expensive options and even that it is not available in the UK! Well duh, I deduced that from the fact that the car is left-hand drive and being driven on the right-hand side of a road with a double yellow no parking line down the centre.

    • Morning, Edward. Do like me, refuse to own a smart phone. I am convinced that was why I never got covids; they could not contact me to tell me!

      • Sadly I own one.I know fool I am 😆. They can shove Convid mark 2 where the sun doesn’t shine.

  9. Absolutely agree. I forget which bank it was now, I have a few accounts, think it was NatWest, but I once had to get a new fucking phone because my version of Android was too old to take the new app updates. It would crash when I clicked the button to open the terms and conditions. Tried clearing the cache and loads of other suggestions from the internet. Seems my version of Android was too old to do the questions on the app. Even if I clicked ‘Do this later’ it still crashed the app.

    I was about to get a new phone anyway, my old one was lagging too much, but not for another month or two.

    Don’t mind me then, just because you want to display a fancy image on your update info, I’ll buy a new fucking phone, shall I?

    But yes, those bank terms and conditions/updates on bank apps are a pain in the fucking arse

    Should only be allowed to do it once a year. And make sure they work on older versions of Android ffs.

    We don’t all buy a new zombie phone every 6 months, you cunts.

  10. Absolutely agree. I forget which bank it was now, I have a few accounts, think it was NatWest, but I once had to get a new fucking phone because my version of Android was too old to take the new app updates. It would crash when I clicked the button to open the terms and conditions. Tried clearing the cache and loads of other suggestions from the internet. Seems my version of Android was too old to do the questions on the app. Even if I clicked ‘Do this later’ it still crashed the app.

    I was about to get a new phone anyway, my old one was lagging too much, but not for another month or two.

    Don’t mind me then, just because you want to display a fancy image on your update info, I’ll buy a new fucking phone, shall I?

    But yes, those bank terms and conditions/updates on bank apps are a pain in the fucking arse

    Should only be allowed to do it once a year. And make sure they work on older versions of Android ffs.

    We don’t all buy a new zombie phone every 6 months, you cunts.

    Resent this had error in my email address soz admin.

    • Oh and some of these updates take up loads of memory. Then you get that screen asking which app to delete to make room for the update. And your phone always seems to automatically tick your most essential apps so you need to be careful or they’ll be deleted.

      They probably think a 200mb update is no big deal, but if ten apps are doing this every few fucking weeks it soon sucks up your memory.

      Don’t mind me then you cunts, I’ll buy an expensive phone shall I, to make room for it all?

      They all seem to think that their app is the only fucking one people use, the twats.

      And most of these ‘updates’ do fuck all as far as I can tell.

      • The only essential app on my phone is the music player so I can listen to my ripped CDs when I’m out and about. The moment any other app starts taking the piss, in any way, it’s uninstalled.

    • Use a PC and forget about their sodding apps. OK, you can’t swipe a PC at Tesco’s but what was chip-and-pin for?

      The financial pigs who own us won’t rest until everyone is wholly dependent on the digital factotum in their pocket, without the option of cash, and open to unlimited surveillance. The new feudal state.

      Resist.

  11. I’m not sure which Cunt brought in the law to say you had to click on agree to cookies. Probably the EU.
    And that it never responds straight away, you have to click it two or three times.
    Everyone knows you’re going to end up with cookies, so why annoy everyone?
    It’s like not being able to start your car before acknowledging that the car will make a noise when it starts.
    Oven.

  13. Good Morning

    It is the IPad and IPhone updates that I find bloody annoying, just this morning I have had a notification saying they can’t update me as I wasn’t connected to a charger last night. You just know bloody Apple are trying to fuck you over by putting a bug in to tell you my 8 year old iPad or 7 year old phone is buggered so you have to buy a new one.

    • Totally agree, bought an S10+ on a four year contract – worked perfectly until about a month before last payment – about the same time I had multiple calls, texts and emails wanting me to buy a S20 or whatever – I might have put that down to coincidence but I bought missus an S10+ at same time and exact same thing happened to her.
      Cunts.

  14. Yanks think they have the upperhand with their fucked up English lingo, but I often enjoy telling them to shove their biscuits up their septic arses from my electric posts. That also goes for their shite em films. I’ll deliver more post later when I’m fully awake.

  16. It is never to the customer’s advantage.
    It is impossible to compare to actually see what the fuckers have wriggled out of.
    It’s a cunt’s charter.

  17. Slightly OT but have any counters noticed a change in their YouTube screen? (TV)
    Mine used to retain searches but now defaults to trending shite that I have fuck all interest in. I’ve tried everything possible and even made a new account?
    I don’t watch tv so this has fucked me up so much I’m back on the adult education now.

  19. I wish we could ‘update’ Britain.
    Lose the junk and spam.
    Delete the shit.
    Cleanse the hard-drive.

    • Bloke I knew used to organise the naval reunions I attended and was well respected. Whilst in hospital near his house he left the ward and went home to destroy his hard drive. The filthy fucker.

  20. Cookies, sign up to our newsletter to get 10% off, pop up videos when you’re trying read, all irritating. Then the T&C email. All forms digital torture.

    Saga sold my bloody details, the cunts, now Royal Mail deliver me retirement home brochures with my real mail.

    • Saga are amongst the worst Mrs C. I get a steady stream of emails from them extolling the wisdom of equity release. I should fucking cocoa! It’ll be a cold day in hell.

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