Bathroom products and “Lady stuff”

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Greetings Cunters another tale of misfortune from myself on many levels.

The former Mrs B and myself have parted company, and my health has declined further just as I met up and moved in with Mrs B MK fuck knows.

Any way with my decline in health I was offered a new medication, this is a sort of drain cleaner for the vascular system, but with clots on my lungs and a femoral blockage that felt like a kick in the balls I grabbed the opportunity at a prolonged life span and wolfed the stuff down as I waited to go under the knife.

Now all medication can have certain side effects, and this seemed to give me a burning arsehole, (I mentioned the new lady didn’t I?) So the new Mrs B supplies me with a nice cream to sooth the burning, sore,sweaty arsehole that I have now developed (Sorry, but I now have subliminal images of Sir Keir Starmer! – Day Admin).

Any way fast forward to hospital, loads of drugs, and I mean shit loads, I had my own morphine on tap, didn’t even have to get out of bed for a piss as I was plumbed in, and yes more drugs if I wanted them.

I wont go into it too deeply but after a period I was able to escape from hospital and come home, although on the same medication I no longer had the flaming arsehole issue that funny enough I had failed to mention to the consultant.

Within 3 days of blissful home rest the old problem raised its head and the old bum crack was stinging.

Now I am a logical thinker and I am not a toilet malingerer so I took time to investigate the bathroom with the aid of a par of reading glasses.

Mrs B has a box of lady’s secrets in the bathroom, pads potions and wet wipes for under waist sanitation purposes, I know this well because I have been nicking her toilet wipes for a wet wipe shit.

On closer inspection I discover that Sainsbury do two versions, one is called sanitary flushable wipes, and another toilet flushable wipes.

The flushable toilet wipes are the ones that I had been using for some time because she leaves them out and I am a lazy cunt .

The other thing that i noted that apart from colour and fragrance the ones that I had been using kill 99% of bacteria, also they are for cleaning the toilet and not wiping my arse.

So defacto I had been wiping my arse with domestos for over a year hence the fucking ring of fire!

So I nominate flushable toilet wipes as a barstard shit idea and I bet I am not the only person who has wiped their arse with them.

Nominated by: bigus Dickus

49 thoughts on “Bathroom products and “Lady stuff””

  1. My sympathies on your health and personal issues, Biggs. I hope everything soon comes to rights with you.

    women sanitary things are more mysterious and complicated than the theology surrounding the Holy Trinity. My wife has the unfortunate habit of delegating the purchase of these things to me. It’s damn complicated. The packets have different colours, some form of rating, obscure references to things like “flow” and different names and purposes depending on whether or not the recipient is a gusher and hundreds of other variables. Damn embarrassing to buy. It would be less embarrassing going to the checkout with the latest model in Elton John’s range of turbo-dildos.

    • I’m talking about sanitary pads rather than toilet wipes of course. But my wife buys plenty of the latter as well – those 100% ones which she uses to wipe me down with as I am apparently always dirty, despite showering twice a day.

      • PS – I meant Biggus not Biggs. Auto-correct thinks you are a retired bank robber living in South America.

  3. A sorry tale indeed, bigus, though happily not one ever likely to afflict yours truly.
    My own preferred means of rectal hygiene involves the use of industrial-strength caustic soda applied with coarse grade sandpaper.
    We’re fuckin hard up north.

  4. I get my arsehole cleaned once a week by dame keir, he will do anything for the promise of a vote.

  5. Mrs Everyonesacunt fills the bathroom 🚽 with all manner of lotions potions scents and soaps.

    Many many years ago when in Spain with little money I spent a week washing and doing my teeth with a small tube of toothpaste. Can’t waste beer 🍺 money.

    Male and female s attitude towards the bathroom are like custard tart and a plastic bag completely different

  6. I use the minimum of toilet paper to wipe the excess of shit from my ring piece, which obviously saves me having to buy the stuff that often, then jump onto the bedet and give my arsehole a real good wash. Simple. I cringe at the thought of all those people walking around with filthy stinging arses.

  7. Once infiltrated by wimminz products, the humble bathroom can become a dangerous place.
    My late father washed his hair with Imac hair remover on one occasion. It was the lack of lather that made him realise his mistake in time as to not do too much damage.
    Mind you, we are talking about a bloke who once brushed his teeth with Polygrip.
    The moral of this story?
    Never enter a bathroom without your glasses.

    • And make sure the light is on. I had a girlfriend at university that was using the cap before she went on the pill. One morning, not wanting to wake her up (one room in a halls of residence, sink in a cubby) I brush my teeth in the dark. With spermicidal cream. Not a mistake you make twice.

  8. If there’s no such thing as wimmin, then there is no market for wimmins things.
    Sooner or later someone might twig

  9. One can empathise with this cunting. I once used an isopropyl alcohol wipe to clean a shifts worth of filter press toxic mud out of my eyes, once. It stung like a habenero shit.

  10. What a perfect link from the previous nominee, the giant turd. You’d have had to use a junior hacksaw on the cunt before you could flush it away.

  11. I had the same problem with Brillo pads. Fortunately I am a hard bastard.
    Anyfucker says different you know where I’ll be.

      • I probably have the cleanest balloon knot in the North of England.

        Now as you know I’m not one to brag,
        But it’s the truth.

        My arse looks like rosy cheeked Eamonn Holmes pouting.

        I achieve this by wiping my arse with lamb fat.
        And my akita licks my arse so clean it glows.

        It’s also quite sensual!

      • Ps
        My undercrackers are a fuckin disgrace though.
        A mixture of lamb fat, skidmarks, and dog saliva.

        Can’t have everything I suppose?

  13. Izal “toilet paper” can you still buy it?…all it did was smear shit everywhere no absorbency whatsoever… probably no worse than wiping your butt with disinfectant wipes😁

    • The smearing allowed faster drying. Once the shiny stuff went out of fashion the rate of food poisoning due to faecal bacteria transfer went right up. Hard to put a finger through a sheet of IZAL unlike this modern stuff, oxo fingers every time if one wipes with vigour

    • Izal was brutal. Must have been a plumbers nightmare, it was industructable. Mad to think that despite the fact that man had created technology sufficient to send humans into space at the time folk were still having to wipe their corn holes with that stuff.

      • My mum always insisted on buying Izal, on the grounds ” it was good for you”. We had no intention of eating it so who knows what her fucking point was.

  14. When you said “burning, sore, sweaty asshole” I thought for one moment you were talking about that fucking whining, ginger cunt ‘Just call me Harry’. Now there’s an asshole that deserves to be wiped!

  15. I digress,

    Now that Woy’s back at the Palace, will he do a complete spring clean with some of the much stronger products from here and have white faces once again ?

  16. I wouldn’t flush them down the bog. They ended up blocking the pipe and I had to call someone out to unblock it. A very embarrassing mess of products was seen down the inspection hole!

  17. A hair brush, soap, shampoo, toothpaste and toothbrush.

    Some bog roll that the wife will buy.

    That’s all a man should need.

    Mrs Cunter has every drawer and cupboard stuffed full of mysterious bottles and potions.

    When you think that she couldn’t possibly buy anything else she surprises me with some weird plastic thing that turns the bog water blue.

  18. A sad and cautionary tale indeed Bigus.

    The IsAC fraternity rises up as one to wish you a speedy recovery.

    Morning all.

    • I live with 2 women.
      The bathroom is full of marvelous smelling stuff!
      Bottles and jars of all kinds of things.

      I sometimes help myself to some and smell of Madagascar vanilla and kiwi or Arabian Nights tangerine and ambergris.

      Soon goes back to the smell of diesel and damp dog.

      Women are great!!👍

  20. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

    Fucking brilliant-possibly the funniest thing I have read on IsAC.😂

    Thank you for sharing-cheered me up no end 😂👍

    • Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us BD. You’re absolutely sure it was these wipes that were causing your burning sore arsehole? It’s just that I read that Peter Tatchell had reported similar symptoms, and he wasn’t complaining.

    • Second that…
      Got up this morning and saw the sun. Thought – fucking great, summer must be coming, it made me feel good.
      Then I read BD’s tale of woe and almost pissed myself. My missus thought I was having some kind of attack!
      Thank you BD, that was marvelous…
      Beware the strange things that those of the female persuasion stash in the bathroom!!!

  21. One of my tips for a harmonious household-seperate bathrooms for everybody.
    Worth the expense👍

  22. Strange the detrimental things we inadvertently do to our tea towel holders. Reminded me of the time I got caught short on track once with violent stomach cramps following lunch from a less than hygienic east london street eatery that lunch time. Was hobbling back to the Alimak to get back to the surface as soon as possible but realised I couldnt hold it so darted back to our tool chest, grabbed a nice soft looking piece of thoroughly absorbent oil spill kit, lifted a trough lid and proceeded to download over the cables within. It didnt feel particulary soft finishing up.
    It was only during the two hour drive home that I realised that the spill kit that had served me so well, and at such short notice, was loaded with glass fibre. Weeks of discomfort.

    • My mate had a wank in the shower, many years ago, using deep heat as a lubricant. He was curious. He didn`t do it again!

  24. Andrex Vs Izal tough choice🤔…mistaking deep heat for anusol definitely keep them separate jeezuz! Holey hellfire!

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