is a cunt.
Lettuce is fucking rubbish.
Some interesting facts about lettuce.
98% of a lettuce is water. The other 2% is whatever makes it green and solid.
Scientists are yet to discover what the 2% is, as they couldn’t be arsed to find out.
There has never been a case of panic buying of lettuces anywhere in the world.
There is more nutritional value in the plastic bag that the lettuce came in than the lettuce itself.
The first and only lettuce festival in the UK, which was due to be held in Bucknall, Lincolnshire in 1935 had to be cancelled as nobody turned up, not even the organiser.
No heterosexual male has ever brought a lettuce.
Lettuce is grown from seeds, but just like the Coke Cola recipe, only 3 people know where the seeds come from.
Nobody has ever found a seed in a lettuce.
The Lettuce Marketing Board consists of just one person who works part time from home.
The annual budget for the LMB is £26.50p and the person who is the Marketing Board was made a life peer for introducing the L into a BT sandwich, therefore tripling sales.
The centre of a lettuce is reputed to be deadly poisonous with no known antidote.
This fact is rarely published as no one has ever reached the centre of a lettuce.
In the remote French hamlet of Gavarnie-Gèdre
there is a lettuce fiesta which boosts the tiny village population from 846 people to closer to 860.
Tractors pull trailers full of lettuces through the streets which are thrown into the crowd.
The tradition started in 1841 when a farmer grew a field full of lettuces by mistake and threw them into his neighbour’s field to get rid of them.
His neighbour promptly threw them back.
When scientists put the phrase, “I like lettuce” into the search facilities of the first computers, the circuit boards melted.
We know more about the core of Saturn than the centre of a lettuce.
Before fridges, you would use a few leaves from the outer layer of a lettuce, and the following day chuck the rest away as it would be going rotten.
With fridges, there is now a drawer at the bottom dedicated to the remaining part of a lettuce, where it can be stored for up to a week before chucking it away.
If all of the lettuce put into landfill every year were stacked up, they would reach to the moon and back SEVEN times.
There are 46 different varieties of lettuce.
When surveyed, the general public could name only Iceberg and Rocket before wandering away, disinterested.
When a study group of 897 volunteers in Stockholm, Sweden were offered the choice between a lettuce leaf and a chocolate hob-nob, nobody chose the lettuce.
Women, póófs and trannies sometimes try to make a sandwich look fancy by adding a lettuce leaf to the contents.
They always leave some of the lettuce hanging out of the sandwich as otherwise, you wouldn’t have a clue that it was there by the taste.
The phrase, “Could I have a little more lettuce with that?” has never appeared in literature or in song lyrics in any language in the world, ever.
In the summer of 1895 the entire lettuce stock of the UK was destroyed by lettuce blight.
Nobody gave a fuck.
The domain name for Caserta, Campania, Italy
Is ce.it.
The website address lettu.ce.it has been available since 1996 at a price of 3 euros and is yet to be claimed.
Supermarkets have to throw away 65% of their lettuces at the end of every day.
The remaining 35% are sold to customers who throw them away the following day.
Lettuces were never native to Italy.
When Julius Ceasar first saw one in what is modern day Germany and was later asked what he thought of it, he is quoted as saying, “Veni, vidi, abieci”.
I came, I saw, I chucked it away.
The term for a lettuce grower is ‘cunt’.
The plural is ‘bunch of cunts’.
©Lettuce is Wank. Volume 3. Artful Cunter Production Co. Ltd.
Nominated by The Artful Cunter.
I do know a wet lettuce is a poofter.
10
The only useful thing about lettuce is that it helps fill out a salad bowl.
Growing up in the late 50s/early 60s we use to put vinegar and sugar on lettuce leaves , we thought that was okay but then chocolate and sweets weren’t readily available.
Good Morning.
10
Uphill gardeners grow it.
7
When you read a cookery book, the author advises washing lettuce before eating, good idea as it’s often full of slugs, etc, BUT, then you’re supposed to dry it afterwards.
Why?
On second thoughts, I’ll skip the whole process by not buying any.
10
Give it a shake like your tosser after a piss. Is that where they got the term tossing the salad ?
9
Joking apart, lettuce is good for you, but it must go with other vegetables to find some taste, even though subtle in itself.
8
I’ve mentioned this before, but a very upmarket steak house in Sheffield serves a wedge of cos lettuce with a dressing before your main.
They reckon it improves your appetite. I don’t know about that, but it tastes ok with the blue cheese dressing.
9
If you are referring to Miller & Carter and their ‘signature’ hunk of iceberg with blue cheese jizz, I assure you it’s quite the antithesis of ‘upmarket’. It’s where duck-pout and artex-filtered social media scumettes drag their roided and tribal-tattooed knuckleheads for what they think is ‘posh dining’. They’ll usually get pissed on the cheapest booze and then go home and have mutual domestic violence.
13
“Lettuce is fucking rubbish and gave me the shits.”
The Secretary of State for Health,quoted yesterday.
Expect it to be re-nationalised within a matter of weeks.
Full state control of lettuce!
Thank fuck.
Good morning.
9
Lettuces. Hmm.
As Anne Robinson said of the Welsh;
“What are they for?”
6
I’m really struggling to think of anything less interesting than lettuce, maybe the Liberal Democrat’s.
15
Lettuce is made for making your sandwich soggy..
Lettuce is as useful as a british government. Limp,bland and tasteless..and only loved by slugs.
12
Our mothers would tell you to eat your greens. Probably that’s why we eat it.
6
Often referred to as rabbit food, lettuce is anything but.
Feed a rabbit only lettuce for anything more than a few days and it will shit its brains out and cark it.
So, if a herbivore can’t cope with it, why do we bother?
6
Lettuce or Satan’s Rose as its also known is the Kier Starmer of the greengrocers.
Even Sprouts are more popular.
Avocado which is basically soap is more popular.
well in Islington and BBC studios.
I wouldn’t wipe my arse with lettuce.
if it was a person,
It’d be called Neil
vote green,
have long hair
and no friends.
Lettuce originates in France.
probably
14
cabbage? oh yes please.
cauliflower? yummy
broccoli? ok just a bit
sprouts? merry Christmas
turnip? yeah,
swede? go on then.
potato? the jesus of root veg,
can perform miracles,
beloved by everyone.
a sacrament I take daily.
Lettuce? get fucked.
12
Lettuce Knollys was very tasty, apparently.
Good morning, everyone.
5
Love letter from a greengrocer:
“Lettuce be married, and I’ll beetroot to you for the endive my days”
I’ll get my coat……
8
@w.c… I’m holding it kos that wasn’t a gem 😖
4
I wrote that joke back in 1968 when an old mate of mine (a greengrocer) asked me to be his best man.
He changed his mind with jokes like that.
3
There’s a sinister oriental version of lettuce called Pak Choi.
Dogeaters, goofy yellow fuckers,
Charlie gooks, and slant eyed Jackie chans
put it in stir-fry.
the dirty bastards.
8
It’s a bit of a shame that my moustache was too awesome for that chınky bird I asked out, eh MNC?
If I’d have started dating her, you could’ve taken the piss from dawn til dusk!
6
Asking if she’d made me a hot dog with a real dog, etc…
8
And would of Thomas.
😃
6
Did the media not compare Lizzie Truss to a Lettuce,or some such thing ?
Didn’t see the link myself,I’ve never had a wank over a Lettuce.
10
yeah, but shes actually a cabbage according to her birth certificate.
6
While slugs can eat lettuce with impunity,
lettuce is poisonous to Americans.
something to do with their genetics
they can’t tolerate it.
The ones we got rid of on the Mayflower were lettuce intolerant.
and due to inbreeding all Americans are lettuce intolerant.
if out for a family meal at Wendy’s, Chuck Cheese or wherever,
and Randy and BobbySue order a extra bacon double cheeseburger and fries,
and someone accidentally put a bit of iceberg lettuce in there?
they’d become agitated,
clutching their chins, jowls wobbling,
” gee whiz Bobbysue, I sure feel funny”
then collapse unconscious.
which proves that despite physically appearing similar
slugs are genetically superior to Americans
8
https://www.lettuce.com
Dear me.
3
@mnc…dad was a yank and I can assure you he would never have eaten Wendy’s 🥬 😩…
4
Gelderd@
I’m not really sure what Wendy’s is?
assume its sort of like McDonald’s?
Dairy Queen
Taco Bell
I just know for a fact Taco Bell would result in me squirting redhot liquid shit all around the toilet bowl,
while I sweated and moaned in delirium
4
On occasion Mis, I’ve driven out of MK where I was visiting the younger on a Sunday lunchtime. My dear wife does a traditional roast on a Sunday, spends the morning cooking it slowly and getting it perfect. Next to where I leave MK there are a McDonald’s and a Taco Bell on a retail park. There are queues of shiny SUVs right round both and backing up onto the dual carriageway. Makes me feel both lucky and sad.
4
Lettuce was considered a sacred plant of the reproduction god Min and was carried during his festivals and placed near his images. The plant was thought to help the god “perform the sexual act untiringly”.
Unlikely!
4
Why do I get the feeling that this cunting originates from the cucumber marketing board?
5
Elton John likes a cucumber.
4
and nothing busier than a cucumber in a women’s prison
7
I thought he was more of a rocket man.
8
More likely large marrows or squash he is into.
6
The missus insists on ” Rocket” when we have salad..
It’s a fucking dandelion say’s I, I can shag like a rabbit but I don’t want to eat like one..
She’s just stopped laughing..😂
8
Hmmmm…. I never thought about that saying before.
“A single rabbit mating act takes about 2 to 3 seconds to complete.The actual copulation is extremely fast, lasting only a few seconds. The male (buck) mounts the female (doe), thrusts vigorously, and often falls backward or sideways while making a brief vocalization when finished”.
😄
Y’learn something new every day…
7
Yep, that’s me..🤪
8
The only time I eat lettuce is in a ploughman’s sandwich, whilst going round the supermarket, not bad for free after getting rid of the evidence before reaching the till.
3
Lettuce pray.
6
I hate to say it but I buy the odd iceberg lettuce in summer to go in burgers.
Can’t say I’ve ever finished one and they tend to end up rotting in the fridge before being binned and the clean up operation begins.
As a kid I used to quite like M&S BLT sandwiches, with the lettuce and tomato carefully removed of course.
Nowadays I only buy sandwiches when heavily reduced with orange stickers on em and gulp when down in a couple of bites, wilted lettuce intact.
3
lovely stuff, this nom is very refreshing
unlike lettuce
3