Flies [5]

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The pàki or politicians of the insect world, not wanted and always overstaying their welcome.

These irritants that appear whenever food is on the table, and can’t find there way out of an open door or window, choosing to bounce off the closed ones instead, like Harvey price in a hall of mirrors.

Even swatting the bastards brings no pleasure, when having to clean the mess up afterwards.

It’s probably why I like spiders so much, and always save them..

If there is a god, you sir are a cunt for creating them.

Nature Spot.

Nominated by : Barry zuckercunt

48 thoughts on “Flies [5]”

      • The Fly (1932) a public information film for Bermondsay Council. “Flies are dangerous disease spreading pests that must be eradicated at all cost.”

      • Very true Major. In the 1930’s many people lived in overcrowded slums, with severe poverty, poor sanitation & terrible living conditions, & having got it all sorted out, with a war going on as well. our coloured cousins moved in. It was then just like going backwards in time, never mind blaming the flies.

  2. I’m 100% behind this nom.

    Like most people I have had windows wide open, as well as the back door to get a cross breeze during the hot weather.

    Given the bluebottles have about a zillion eyes, how come they can find the open door to get in, but not out?

    While we’re on the subject, what use are flies, apart from providing food for other insects and amphibians.

    Is there a single fly in the universe that’s actually useful?

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  3. In those ads for rip-off UN war-relief charities, the apparently starving ‘victims’ always have flies all over them. Even in their eyes, Of course, the ‘victims’ are really highly paid crisis actors, but I wonder what is in it for the flies? Maybe they have a wrangler who feeds them decaying elephant steaks.

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  4. When that scruffy prick Bob Geldof visited Ethiopia in 1985 with Minge Urine, why didn’t they teach those starving lighbulb heads to eat flies?
    Always plenty of flies around an Ethiopian’s mouth.
    They were too lazy to even slurp their tongues around their licorice-coloured chops like Scooby-Doo eating that pink frosting.
    They could’ve got enough protein if they’d eaten flies and we wouldn’t have been subjected to nearly four decades of ‘Comic’ Relief begging.

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    • Midge Uracunt could have “fed the world” with midge burgers (kunga cakes) shipped in from Uganda. I think he missed a trick there.

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    • In some parts of the dark continent especially around lake Victoria the surrounding country side is plagued by trillions of lake hatched small flies. When they leave the water there are so many that the swarms resemble columns of brown smoke. Oft reported by pilots overflying the lake. To the lakeside dwellers these little wingy bastards are an important source of protein. They harvest them in their thousands then compress the little bastards into “cakes” about an inch thick then fry the pressed midge cake. A tasty treat for one and all very high in protein. Bon appetit!

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  5. Tons of the fuckers here in deepest, darkest Norfolk – some bastards are huge. I get through loads of fly spray in a season.

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  6. Apart from coming inside people’s houses, where do the little buggers go when it rains? Never seen one with an umbrella.

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  7. I’ll not rest if there’s one in the house,the dirty bastarding good for nuffin 💩 dropping irritants 😖…and I love crushing them into whatever I’m using once I’ve got the little cunt… usually with a maniacal cry of ‘fly around now you little 💩bag’ …’flies huh what are they good for absolutely nothing,say it again y’all’ 🎶

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  8. I’ve been using the old fashioned fly paper during the heatwaves and hundreds have decided to stay so long as they stayed motionless. I swatted the noisy bastards. Having a bin for the fruit peelings and cores was the trickiest, having to be quick with the lid. Fly spray put paid to that.

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  10. flies undone.

    Those horseflies are right cunts.
    Every year I get bit off the nasty fuckers.

    Two bites on my leg still off them.

    flies are like Pakistanis
    eat shit, annoying, repulsive,
    and spread disease.

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    • My sympathies MNC you have fell victim to a really cuntish member of the Genus, Horse flies don’t have a civilised probiscus to stab you their jaws are akin to scissors they actually cut a nice little slit in your skin then lap up the pooling blood. They also use large amount of anticoagulants to keep the good stuff flowing which means your bodies reaction is a fuck off great bite that hurts, itches like fuck and goes on and on. About the only consolation I can offer you is that it’s only females that do the biting for blood thing as they need the protein your blood supplys to aid their egg production. They are still utter bastards, even if they are doing the bitey shit to aid their offspring

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      • They love me Mr Biscuit.

        Always go for me.
        they leave missus Miserable alone, her bloods like fuckin water.
        but me?
        travel for miles.
        I’m like a Michelin star restaurant for the awful cunts

      • That’s an interesting observation as many biting bastards favour the female of the species. Some work was done a few years back regarding pheromones given off by the intended victim never found the results likely a load of wank to get a few quid in grants. Now I don’t know the targeting method of the horse fly and it assorted allies, but pretty sure that mosquitoes and midges use the exhaled CO2 of their intended meal supplier to home in, they follow the CO2 gradient as it increases voila ouch you buzzy little cunt large itchy hot weeping lump.
        The best defence is live in Antarctica, failing that any repellent containing Deet. Developed for the jungle very effective but don’t put it on your forehead as sweat may run it into your eyes, Fucking not good. Not good to ear either.

  11. Insecticides are another thing fucked up by the EU. Used to knock the fuckers down in short order and still does with wasps. However the flies are still flying ten minutes later though with a conspicuous misfire and apparently having had their navaids destroyed. But I’ve found them on the window sill the next day lying on their backs and still kicking. Our younger bought a device with UV lights to attract them onto a fine mesh where they are electrocuted. The big fat ones are especially satisfying because they expode with a sharp crack like popcorn.

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    • Those things aren’t 100% Arfur.

      Warrabout the fly that was buzzing around a works canteen one night, .. one of those little cunts that flies straight through a gauntlet of newspaper-swinging people unscathed … and consistently wouldn’t land anywhere low enough to swat.

      Then, on yet another buzzing run it suddenly found itself in line, – on a crash course with – the ceiling-mounted electric zapper. And as it got closer, it saw all the corpses of the previously-electrocuted insects dead in the collection tray, suddenly knew what was about to unavoidably happen to it, … and instantly died from an acute fear-induced heart attack.

      However, it’s momentum at that fatal moment was sufficient to carry it on through the outer mesh of the contraption. at which time the device threw an electric shock/arc at the dead insect …. which re-started it’s little heart, and it flew out the other side .. lined up with an open window and escaped through that to commence it’s second chance at life …

      There’s a rumour I was witness to the above, and a counter rumour I made the whole thing up. 😉

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  12. Fly paper.
    If you haven`t got any it`s easy to make … the next time you go for a shite, wipe your arse as usual but instead of flushing the paper away, hang it on the walls of your house. And hey presto! Flies get attracted, stick to it and perish. Job done (literally). Also serves an effective deterrent for people you don`t like just turning up to visit you.
    🪰

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  13. The scrounging charity ads on the telly will always show small children and babies with flies all over their faces.

    The flies cause all sorts of horrible diseases and can make children blind.

    In the 300.000 years that humans have been in Africa it seems that parents just can’t find a way of keeping flies off their kids.

    You would have thought that they could make hats out of grass and leaves with tassels hanging off the brims.

    But no, better to sit there with their hands out for even more money.

    The smelly, useless cunts.

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  14. Ethiopians wear flies as a fashion accessory.
    all over their face and misshapen heads.

    When the Great White Dinner lady
    turned up in 1984
    they all went full dogturd.
    covered in flies.

    the fat cunts

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  15. fuck me Admin,
    what’s wrong now?

    post comment
    waiting 15 minutes.
    not delivered by Sammy Scheidt on his bicycle is it?

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  17. OT, no apology. Four people charged with the murder of a new born baby girl in Sheffield. Too expensive? Woke you up at night? Wrong sex? I could weep. Where the fuck are we going?

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  19. Reminds me of another Viz top tip:

    Italian ladies – keep the flies off the food at al fresco dinner parties by not wearing any knickers

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