Yesterday, Good Friday, was the opening of Grantham Garden Centre and I was chatting to a customer who had gone and had a look.
“Oh it was heaving, loads better than the old place and they had that celebrity Adam Frost there too cutting the ribbon and answering questions”
I had never heard of Adam Frost. Celebrity bloody gardeners! I’d have him crying in the van by ten o’clock tea and biscuits. Turns out he is some arsehole off Gardener’s World. Not even a Titchmarsh or Ron Knee’s love rival, Monty Don. Celebrity cunts really will turn up for the opening of an envelope. Usually some ex-soap ‘star’ or 90’s kids TV presenter that hasn’t been seen for twenty fucking years,who most people thought was either dead or been hovered up in Operation Yewtree. Not famous enough for ‘I’m a Celebrity….but enough pulling power to draw a crowd of saddos.
Never anyone interesting or unpredictable though? Huw Edwards opening a youth club in Llanddewi Brefi or Harvey Price opening anything anywhere. No scissors though!
Needless to say myself or Jack the Cunter were not even considered.
Nominated by Liberal Liquidator.
Adam Frost looks and sounds like snookerist Ronnie O’Sullivan, a real old gor blimey on screen, but at home I bet he sounds more like Noel Coward. Working class gardener innit, a bit like farmer David Beckham.
5
Adam Frost is the scruffy, unshaven spiv from Gardener’s World.
He was actually second choice for the ribbon cutting ceremony.
They wanted Sue Kent, but she would have a problem with the big scissors.
It must be terrible to be invited to open anything.
You know that your career is over when it’s a poxy garden centre.
Good morning.
5
Monty Don is a cunt too.
At the end of each programme he gives you “Jobs for the Weekend”.
Mulch your asparagus.
I don’t have any fucking asparagus to mulch and I have no idea who has.
Pinch out your sweet pea cuttings.
Yes Monty. I’ll get right on that.
Fucking idiot.
5
It’s never a good sign, when someone has to tell you that they are a celebrity..
And self promotion is hard work, take Ronnie Pickering all he ended up with, was a sore throat and alot of bemused looks.
Anyway frost is the last thing you need at a garden centre.
5
What would’ve made it more exciting is if they’d got some scissors wielding murderer from solitary confinement, who would prefer to attack the crowd instead and be restrained immediately with wardens on standby.
7
Opening a garden centre is the penultimate act of the washed-up celebrity.
It’s the last stop before playing the arse end of a pantomime horse.
On no it isn’t.
8
I’d have thought that opening the village garden fete would have been the ultimate barrel -scrapping act.
Judging the kids fancy dress competition and the scruffy dog show. Ugh!
3
I don’t know if it’s true, but I heard a story about one-hit wonder Alan Smethurst, better known as the Norfolk Postman (‘Hev you gotta loight boy’) who became a regular on the village fete circuit.
Unfortunately he was a pisshead and at one event he was needed to present the prizes for the Under-9s sack, 3-legged and egg and spoon races or something.
Several tannoy calls were made for him to go to the stage but he never made it because he was under the table in the beer tent.
2
Oh yes it is. I won’t name him but I remember about thirty years ago a former “star” of The Bill (he had been let go a couple of years earlier, apparently) was reduced to opening a charity shop in the local high street and all the old biddies were more interested in their cake and bric-a-brac than they were with him, he just faded away embarrassed. I genuinely felt pity and embarrassment for him.
2
If I remember correctly WC, that would have been the geek who was into steam locos? Seem to remember also that he was so shattered by being fired he tried to top himself. Can’t be sure, years ago now.
0
What if instead they’d got someone who has delusions of grandeur and would never stop talking for a moment and spoke incessantly until everyone got bored and by then all the flowers had died.
4
The wife is the gardener here. She gives me detailed instructions on jobs I can do, prune it there, cut it at this angle, that sort of instruction for thickies like me. There was a plant in the middle of the lawn she decided to replace. A week later she told me to set the mower on no. 2 and mow the lawn. Where she had removed said plant a bunch of grubby sticks had sprouted so I ran the mower over them. Turned out it was an azalea she had planted while I was out.
6
Oops!
4
If you had heard what she called me Jeezum, Oops! doesn’t really cover it.
0
Gardeners and gardening are overrated in my opinion.
Plants grow.
It’s what they are good at.
It’s harder to kill the fuckers than let them grow.
If something isn’t doing as well as expected or doesn’t look good, then pull it up, buy something else and put it in the same place.
It’s not rocket science.
Try stopping a lemon tree from fruiting here.
It’s impossible.
You get thousands of fucking lemons even when you totally neglect the thing.
There are lemon trees lining the side of the roads.
Full of fruit.
They never get watered.
Mrs Cunter was daft enough to plant one in the grounds of Casa Cunter.
Thousands of lemons that we couldn’t give away because every other person has a lemon tree with thousands of lemons that they can’t get rid of.
I couldn’t kill the fucker.
I tried everything but the lemons kept coming.
I ended up having to concrete over it.
They actually sell lemons here in the supermarkets.
For people without a tree and with no friends.
8
She decided to plant herbs one year.
Along with chillies and other stuff.
Big mistake.
Canine Cunter took a great interest in them and would check the growth every day.
When the time was right he invited his friends from the beach who between them ate the fucking lot.
A dog’s salad bar.
Sort that out Monty.
You cunt.
5
A Down syndrome person given a pair of scissors for the first time and no one else is allowed to help them. The first person to be escorted from the premises for laughing has a sense of humour in my book.
66
A drunk who would be inaudible to understand and went around pissing on all the flowers.
4
Television gardeners are lying cunts.
‘Gardening is so relaxing. So satisfying’
No it’s fucking not.
If it’s so relaxing, why do I spend most of my time sweating my bollocks off, stuffing bags full of never ending cuttings and taking them down to the tip?
It’s alright for those fuckers. It’s all done for them prior to rehearsals by a team of real workers, whilst they sit on their arse memorising Latin plant names so that they can spout them to the camera like a fucking know all.
Fucking chancers the lot of them.
I wouldn’t let them open a can of beans.
7
The only plants I get are from the Mrs…😩
Anyway there’s only one frost Mr jack 🥶
3
Couldn’t they get MNC’s not so secret “crush” Charlie chapel hat pegs Dimmock in to do it?
Tight fisted cunts.
Good morning.
5
I think you’re right Unkle. Charlie would be the ideal choice.
She’s well-known for opening her garden to all and sundry.
7
Finally, allow Remrats to open it with a speech that would have the instinctive effect on beauty to instantly die due to it being a pack of lies.
2
Splitting your infinitives Sammy. Oh dear, I expected better of you. Mrs Thatcher never committed that sin.
0
Gardners should be seen and not heard.
And only use the tradesmen entrance.
When did they go all Hollywood?
I dont want a Q&A with some welly clad,
Dirty handed soil fondler,
I want him to cut back the bushes, edge the lawn and see to the roses.
They should know their station.
And you an Jack the Cunter should take those sunglasses off.
You look ridiculous.
4
I remember in the 80s they got Ken Barlow to open the Christmas lights in stockport Town centre.
He was with some councillors and the mayor,
And in full celebrity mode.
Me an my mate were punk rockers and as we walked even my mate said
“Ken! Ken!”
He turned to look
“show us your dick.”
Everyones jaw dropped.
I could barely walk off doubled with laughter.
7
My days of being invited to open anything or suchlike are long gone.
Ever since my controversial judging decisions at the village flower and vegetable show.
Where I passed over a couple of large pumpkins, to give first prize to a vase of roses, which unbeknown to me, were an entry of a customer of mine 😯
I’ve been blackballed 😁
OT. I see there’s been another attempt to bump Trump off.
Hehehehe….More lives than a cat 😺
Good morning 🌞👍
6
😎
2
Use those over sized scissors on the “Slebs” instead 😉
2
Gardners are hogging the limelight.
Wheres the celebrity removalmen?
The A list scrap metal lads?
Job snobbery.
3
I’ve been unfortunate enough to see a few celebrities.
Usually at the airport.
Baldrick is an ugly, short arsed, goggle eyed, pot bellied cunt.
Míriam (whatever her name is), the horrendously ugly, fat lesbian turned a few heads.
She is grotesque.
Some cunt who Mrs Cunter assured me was ‘Ricky’ from Eastenders was giving it large in the arrivals hall.
Wind your neck in son, you just got off a 30 euro Ryanair flight.
The presenters from A Place in the Sun are often seen.
They film on the beach opposite the bar that I use.
Them and the crew will have a drink or two, the couple visiting to buy a house (often a pair of benders) will be sat at another table, totally ignored as they are not filming.
Shame about Jasmine Harman, she is a huge woman and has magnificent tits.
Pity about the teeth.
6
https://share.google/yVsX8JmV8Duhn9Mhy
2
You need to pick the right celeb for your opening.
Solarium, David dickinson.
Tyre store, David lammy.
Hot tubs, Michael barrymore.
5
Blackpool Illuminations….. Stevie Wonder.
4
Rumour is he has a comeback show planned, Michael Barrymore’s Unlucky Dip
4
Everyone at the tyre factory would have their Swan Vestas at the ready.
4
I’d like a ribbon cunting celebrities.
Unfortunately all the shops that used to do that kind of thing closed down, like Athena.
It was all the rage in the late 80s to get those prints of the woman tennis player scratching her arse, and the “Oh shit” one of the train that fell out the building.
3
Percy Thrower was more relaxing, then a dose of the intelligent Flowerpot Men trying to get the knickers off Little Weed, was ground breaking stuff.
3
Nlgger in the woodpile would be a nice relaxing show piece at the gardening festival.
4
Graeme Garden and his pals with a round from I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue, would have everyone in stitches.
4
I have a lovely garden.
Just so you know.
2
A man garden 👍
Celebs and MPs are into uphill gardening.
3
Remrats, Sick or it, got straight into that whilst addressing the audience.
0
Whatever next, incoherent supposed comedian Rosie Jones opening a speech therapy centre.
3
When asked by the organisers of the charity Tourettes Action if I would open their new head office I said ‘BING BONG FUCK’.
2
We are taking the piss, but spare a thought for old Kweer – when Angie has fucked him, even a garden centre wouldn’t want him to open it. I can see little Wessy opening the new make up counter at Superdrug though, provided he is given lots of free samples.
2