Aliens

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ALIENS

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Specifically, those aliens who used to abduct people and interfere with their genitals, amongst other things.

The Collector Link.

There was a spate of these in a period around the `50s to the `70s – a Golden Age, if you will, of people (usually in some way not quite right) being `taken` by aliens and `experimented` on – usually involving their privates.

These days? — Nothing. Fuck-all. Not a sausage.

Where have you all gone? We could do with a jolly good laugh during these bleak times.

So come on aliens!! Get your act together, float into your saucers, glide back down to Earth and touch a few fuckwits inappropriately, like you used to.

Cunts.

Nominated by : Sam Beau

Plus this distress signal from Cuntamus Prime:

Admin, may I clarify. The chaps Sam refers to are the Zeta Reticulans, commonly known as ‘Greys’

They give me the screaming willies. (Hope they lube up first – NA)

104 thoughts on “Aliens”

  2. I wouldn’t let some bug eyed alien anywhere near my genitals.

    Space pests.

    Travelling light years, across the depths of space to fondle my beautifully formed testicles?!!

    Understandable but outrageous!

    Fuck them.

    Your not welcome here
    You foreigners.

    Shazbot.

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  3. Them lizard ones?
    Why they coming here?

    Their sun is dying.
    Need to bask in the warmth because they’re cold blooded like David Cameron.

    Well they’re fucked in the North west of England.
    Won’t settle here!
    Bring your wellies iguana people

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  4. Whenever we assume that the existence of aliens is nonsense, it is an entirely solipsistic human conceit, a demonstration of our arrogance as a species.
    There are more stars in the known universe than there are grains of sand on earth, countless sextillions, more than our brains have the capacity to envisage.
    Of course there’s sentient life elsewhere – how could there not be?
    Other galaxies are simply so mind-bogglingly far away (and getting ever further every nanosecond) that we don’t have the means to pinpoint or contact potential civilisations millions of light years away.
    Travelling into other dimensions is far more likely than ever contacting aliens in this plane of existence.

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  5. Don’t forget those space invader machines that came to our shores in the late 70’s. An interesting alien encounter for, at the time only 10p a play!

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  6. I think an ideal target for intergalactic visitors would be the majority of the occupants of the HoP.

    But, please can you teleport them onto the Moon, or Mars, when you have finished with them?

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    • We get more that that in one week, down here in the sourh east. Weather permitting of course.

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  8. The lastest batch of sightings, many different species, keep crashing their ultra advanced space ships.
    What a bunch of chavs, straight out of the Starwars bar.

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  9. Because I’m skeptical….. you could even say cynical, of anything establishment politicians say, I always assumed that the silence or outright denial by the establishment relating to ETs was proof of their existence.

    Now that the US government has come out and clarified that they in fact do exist, I think that they may or may not exist and the powers that be haven’t got a clue either way, but are simply using it as a key-jangling distraction to the masses or are subtly trying to tell us “We’re so powerful that we’ve kept this from you for decades and we’re telling you about this now because we choose to. Now shut up, get back in your pod and eat the bugs Pleb!”

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  10. This doesn’t read like a cunting, more fantasy mixed with disappointment. The truth is up there, turn right a Uranus.

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  11. Were the Cadbury’s Smash aliens guilty of abduction and genital-fiddling?

    I think we should be told.

    I’ve sent them an FOI request and I’ll get back to you.

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  12. They finger your balloon knot with long probing fingers.

    And the lizard ones ‘taste’ you. With a long flickering tongue.

    Put a raygun to your head.

    No one can hear you screaming and moaning on a intergalactic interplanetary craft.

    It’s incredibly sexy!

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  14. Hail Ming🤚

    Supreme dictator of the planet Mongo.

    Always liked Ming.
    My type of people.

    Even if he did have a Chinese name and was ethnically a mongian.

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  15. For the benefit of our alien genital-fiddling visitors who may be unaware, Ruler of the World Sir Tone has announced that a woman has a vagina and a man has a penis.

    Well thanks for clearing that up for me Sir Tone.

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      • Cant agree with you, Tony is a CUNT and a festering syphilis ridden one at that, with sapurating sores oozing stale ancient sincerity

  16. With the state of our World at present, it’s no wonder aliens have no interest in landing on the basket case that is Earth.

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  17. I read the first part in the Collector link.
    Betty and Barney ffs.
    They look nothing like they did on the telly.
    Barney’s blek for one.
    I’d go with Betty, but I’d be thinking of Wilma.

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    • Barney was played by James Earl Jones in the dramatisation’.

      Horrible hearing Darth Vader crying about the little men touching him.

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  18. Has anyone else noticed that all the people who claim to have been abducted by aliens, purely to have their junk fondled look like they have spent time on a secure unit?

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  19. I was convinced I had been abducted by aliens a few years ago. The weird looking spindly creatures had long ET type fingers and were entirely yellow, except for excessive grey bodily hair. Their teeth were huge and also yellow. They all spoke a kind of eerie and totally untranslatable gibberish. It was impossible to make out if my captors were male or female. Then I realised, I had accidentally walked into a Lib Dem meeting.

    Good morning, everyone.

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  20. If there are any aliens listening to is a cunt out there that look a bit like Kate Beckinsale please feel free to abduct me and interfere with my genitals if you must.

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    • If any of you aliens out there want to abduct me, come and get me. No anal probes thanks, but I’ll answer all your questions about humans and I’ll be happy to betray the cunts.

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    • Sophie Ellis-Bextor for me, as she’s half-way there. Chrome spandex, singing ‘Take Me Home’ while i’m tied to a table with polythene and fed alien chutney like the chap in Fire in the Sky

      Grey aliens love their condiments.

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  22. Smartphones have really hit the alien kook market hard.

    ‘I saw a UFO in a field and a greylien playing with a cow’s tits’.

    ‘Lets have a look..’

    ‘Eh?’

    ‘on your phone.’

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  23. David Bowie famously asked us if there’s life on mars?

    No. Not that it’s any of his business.

    But I believe there’s life on other planets.

    Whether Ork, Mongo, Alpha Centauri, Tattoine, they’re out there.

    It’s best to ignore them.
    Probably weirdos.

    If they landed on the fields in a flying saucer and stepped out of it and asked

    ” Earthling, come with us
    We will take you to a distant galaxy where war , poverty, crime, sickness are none existent.
    And you will learn great secrets!”

    I’d say

    ” Bit busy at the moment.
    Can you get egg n chips?”

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  24. You don’t hear of crop circles anymore either. I think a lot have been debunked as pranks by eggheads but were big in the 80’s for a while. Never sent Mulder and Scully from the X- Files to investigate did they? Another series that should never have been brought back but had its moments in its heyday.

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    • Agreed, with an exception on the X-Files front .. season 11 ep 4 “The Lost Art of Forehead Sweat” , and to a lesser extent season 10 ep 3 “Mulder and Scully Meet the Were-Monster” were a standout episode in each of the 2 superfluous late 2010’s series’.

      Not hard-core lore episode, though, .. more self-aware self parody…

      (for : if anyone liked the original 9 seasons but skipped the later 2). Never really cared for it myself, but the Missus likes it, so easy gifting for ME in 2016, 2018 with the dvd sets…

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    • The other half and I came across a Crop Circle Museum when walking down in Wiltshire recently. It was next to a farm shop which we were going into to buy some ice cream. It was just an out building with some photos and newspaper articles in it. I was mildly interested, in that it might have been a laugh, until I saw they wanted £4.50 each to look at this stuff. There was a sign outside saying “people have wondered for hundreds of years about who or what has caused this phenomena”. The other half started laughing and saying, “no they haven’t unless they have got a fucking screw loose, it is someone pissed up and mucking about in a tractor”. An old hippy cunt came out and had a go at us. We were unable to persuade him re our point of view, which we were obviously not entitled to.

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      • it’s well documented how they started. Some people prefer to believe myths when the reality is so mundane- planks and a rope.

    • X-Files series 1 to 3 were the real shit. Great stuff.

      Series 4 onwards was patchy and series 7 to 9 were bollocks.

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      • I can barely remember anything after series 5. The last one I remember watching was Mulder on a train with an onboard lab and they were experimenting with aliens.

  25. Hi Mis,
    The Aliens have stopped coming due to the yanks, who get tooled up every time, thinking they are a threat. That’s what the United manager told me.

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    • Hi Sammy,
      If aliens have been landing in the US, they’ve probably waddled back aboard the mother ship with cholesterol poisoning and decided to visit elsewhere.

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  26. Aliens would never be able to get to Earth and we will never be able to get to them.

    It isn’t possible to travel faster than the speed of light and warping space is just a load of bollocks.

    I do believe that there are many planets inhabited by intelligent life.
    An infinite amount.

    Space is infinite so if there is one planet with intelligent life then there will be an infinite number.

    If, on one of those planets they speak English then they would speak English on an infinite number of planets.

    One of those planets will have a sexual degenerate called Thomas so therefore an infinite number of planets will have the same, depraved lunatic called Thomas.

    Think about that for a while.

    I did.

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  27. Never seen an off world alien, plenty of aliens in the UK, all sub human so I guess they count, evidence of P*ki aliens interfering with young girls genitals after being abducted by taxi.

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  28. ‘Aliens would never be able to get to Earth and we will never be able to get to them.’

    ‘It isn’t possible to travel faster than the speed of light and warping space is just a load of bollocks’

    A couple of assumptions and falsehoods here.

    You assume the aliens need to travel faster than light. They don’t. They could take millions of years in a large craft in suspended animation and send smaller craft to investigate our planet.

    Warping of space is done by pretty much everything with enough mass in the universe. In objects such as neutron stars snd black holes this is observed as gravitional lensing, and lately, gravity waves.

    This had been observed for over 100 years.

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    • Odin and I can visit otherworldly places and not have to shift our bottoms off the sofa…
      Errr…not together, I hasten to add.
      Although that would be splendidly weird, meeting him whilst popping my head round the door of another dimension and there he is. I know it’s him and he greets me by name. But he looks like Floella Benjamin with Brian Blessed’s voice.
      Together, with all the collective intelligences of spectral beings, all of us pooling our intellectual weight, we still can’t guess whether or not there’ll be a 7am or 10am nom…

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      • Odin and I can visit otherworldly places and not have to shift our bottoms off the sofa

        Reminds me of watching the opening to the Lynch adaptation of Dune back in college, the woman talking about ‘The Spice’ allowing people to travel the universe without physically moving,

        Cue sniggering, then hysterics from the ganja enthusiasts, and then everybody else.

    • Talk about an extreme case of “aim towards where the target is going to BE, not where it’s currently at” re: interplanetary visiting ….

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      • Extreme to human intelligence perhaps. If they have the capacity for interstellar travel then they probably have a lot of spare energy production and computing power.

      • oh, yeah … DOable and not even overly complex, just the numbers involved, distance by travel time … astronomical (literally!)

        Bit like when a WWII sub had to aim its torpedoes not AT the moving target ship, but ahead of it taking distance and speed into consideration …

  29. In that ET some little yank finds a shriveled midget from space and hides him not just from his parents,but the government and the authorities.

    He jeopardises his whole community and that of earth from the viruses and germs carried by this horrid little gargoyle.

    Half the population of the planet wiped out with space mumps due to some little BMX riding septic.

    I’d of handed the fucker in at Roswell and demanded he was dissected and the town quarantined.

    Then phoned Astra zenica to come up with a vaccine.

    Stay safe
    Keep watching the skies….

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    • Always hated E.T, Miserable. As middle class and as syrup drenched as that Harry Potter bollocks. Michael Jackson did the audio book version of E.T. Enough said…

      E.T was quintessential schmaltz. It’s also responsible for all the 21st Century shite that is made about the 80s, Crap like Ready Player One and Stranger Things. All kids in the 80s were middle class Americans, they were also ‘cool’ nerds, wore hoodies, and rode BMX bikes. Fuck off.

      On the bright side, the one that played the blonde schoolkid in Elliott’s class grew up into a very (cough) big girl.

      https://i.ebayimg.com/images/g/X24AAOSwAmBf6L2Z/s-l1200.jpg

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      • I thought Stranger Things owed as much to Tobe Hooper and Stephen King as Spielberg.

        ‘Ready, Player One’ is a terrible book, although not really aimed at adults. Bogged down with eighties pop culture_ American eighties pop culture. People lapped it up but I thought it was ten years past the peak of eighties obsessives. Now we have to tolerate it all over again with Stranger Things fanatics and the incessant playing of ‘Running Up My Cunt’.

  30. Another horrible thing from the 90s.

    That X-Files series was pretty good . The first three series of it were decent.
    But it made all that aliens shit fashionable, and hordes of saddos cashed in on it.
    That ugly bitch who is married to Jonafan Woss for a start

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    • I remember at the height of X-Files mania, there was an actual Saturday evening programme on ITV with all these sad fucker loonies on it. Jonathan Woss’s horrible Mrs was on it, and numerous D-List sci-fi bit parters.

      Only real star on it was Mark ‘Luke Skywalker’ Hammil. And he took the piss out it. When he said that almost all these ‘alien abductions’ were all involving inbred shitkickers was no coincidence, all the saddos got all wound up. It was hilarious.

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      • ‘Sad fucker loonies’

        ‘That ugly bitch…’

        It’s alright Norm’, they’re not coming back. it was just a helicopter.

        It was just a helicopter.

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