Online shopping

It can be a bit of a bugger at times.“A bit of a bugger” surely you mean cunt? C.A. You’re unwell, and not really up to a trip to the supermarket, especially if you need heavy stuff.

So you decide to give yourself a break and order online. Now, I know you can tick the “No substitutions” box, but come on! If you order lemon scented washing up liquid, and they don’t have it, surely they’ll send you apple scented instead? You’d think so, wouldn’t you?

Check this out, then.

I’m absolutely convinced that the pickers do shit like this on purpose. I think they have a league table, or point scoring system. I bet they all get together in the pub, after work, and swap stories about the most outrageous substitution they’ve done.

And laugh about it, the cunts!

Nominated by Jeezum Priest.

(Morning all. As of tomorrow – 3rd April – we will be going back to 3 nominations per day, every day @7am, 11am and 3pm. Thank you – The Admin Team)

56 thoughts on “Online shopping

  1. At least no one (yet) has had a Dinghy Raider delivered as a substitute for a Fridge Raider; it could become one of Labour’s Policies…

    • They’d be the perfect substitute for a roach bomb as not even they could stand the smell.

  2. How about getting Eddie Izard delivered when you wanted a 62 inch TV.

    It’s the way I tell ’em.

  3. ” there you go again with your first world problems”

    Get your lazy white privilege arse down the supermarket..

    Expecting illiterate ethnics to know the difference between Cantaloupe and honeydew..
    They were doctors and scientists in their own country.

    Fucking pickers always in the way, all I want is a pot noddle for my breakfast..

    “Bollocks sold out.. a bottle of drain cleaner seems the right substitute?”

    • You have it correct there Baz. My brother-in-law worked as a delivery driver for Tesco for a while and told of East Europeans who had no English but were employed as pickers. If they picked up a sealed packet they would sniff it to try to identify whether it was food or detergent. I personally had the experience of asking a young woman in Tesco’s where to find pork pies and then having to explain what a pork pie was.

      I liked the one where pregnancy tests were sent in place of condoms. The logic is undeniable.

  4. Supermarkets are cunts, but they do know how to shift their stock for increased profits.

    It’s almost a science.

    They really don’t want to do online shopping.

    They know that their profits come from impulse buying.
    They want you in their store.

  5. Our neighbours Tilly and Hugo have their groceries delivered by Waitrose.

    A while back they ordered Duchy free-range Fairtrade organic arborio risotto rice, and what did Waitrose deliver? Only Gallo free-range Fairtrade organic arborio risotto rice instead!!!!! Honestly, how was Tilly supposed to make her signature dish for their next dinner party with that rubbish?

    Needless to say T&H both suffered severe mental trauma, anxiety attacks, nightmares and ultimately complete mental breakdown. After weeks of therapy I’m glad to say they’re both doing well if both still somewhat flaky. Show courage and fortitude, mes braves, together you’ll pull through.

    As for Waitrose, I hope you feel proud of yourselves, you bastards.

  6. I can’t really get on board with this one. Being a lazy old bugger, and with arthritis, made worse by the appalling wet weather we had this past winter, online shopping has been a boon. One or two substitutions, yes, but quite acceptable, and if they are not, Sainsburys will refund them on the doorstep, without question. Most of the delivery men are friendly and helpful. It might be a different story if Eddie Izzard minced up to my door with fairy cakes, but it has never happened. I only ever had one delivery woman, and she was a fine figure of a man.

    • Wonder if your delivery man was same as mine. He was called steve, had big tits and tattoos. The real giveaway was that he was carrying my parcel the last 1/2 mile cos “he” can’t reverse very well.

  7. I’m sorry to hear about your washing up liquid JP.☹️
    Must be simply awful?

    But it’s that Bulldog spirit that pushes us on,!

    I myself once got substituted a Watermelon scented hand wash for my usual Black cherry.

    After a hour or two sat in a darkened room I soldiered on.

    It’s this quality of ‘can do’ spirit that got us through 2 world wars.

    Back straight
    Grim smile about our lips
    Nothing can break us!
    For we are Englishmen 🇬🇧

    And we like to wash the pots and smell of lemons.

  8. I once got a free crate of beer from the daft cunts.

    At that moment buying online was almost a religious experience.

    They are still cunts of course.

    • we got an extra 12 pack of posh dog food with the usual delivery, our Ted thought his boat had come in. I actually like deliveries of heavy shit like cans and spuds coz I’m a lazy cunt thesedays. Our corner shop is cheaper for sauces & fresh bread & milk.

  9. I don’t mind OS. Am so sick and tired of going to a supermarket, and having to deal with the assorted bunch of cunts that wander down the aisles with screaming kids, push chairs and the inevitable cunt who aimlessly stares at an item you want to get at but can’t purely out of politeness. But even after a minute they’re still staring and looking at the ingredients and generally been cuntish to the point where you just want to kill them with a tin of baked beans!

    Then there’s have to deal with those useless self-serve tills that never really do a good job; then there’s the parking problem and the cunts who park their cars so close to yours you can’t open your doors or boot.

    Nah, fuck that for a game of soldiers. I’ll take home delivery anytime. Plus you can always untick the “substitute” box against an item; and there’s no impulse buy! Too often I’ve gone into a supermarket with a set shopping list of about 10 items, only to come away with 4 times that, and 4 times the cost, all because the crafty cunts put BOGOFs and all sorts of nice stuff in your eye-vision.

    • Y’see, it’s letting cunts away with being cunts that makes cunts be cunts … a nice sharp ‘excuse me’ after 2 seconds for 50’s-ish looking and upwards that are dithering in your way, and perhaps ‘decent’-looking younger than that ; .. and I like to employ a weaponised ”move” for any other cunt, .. the fat slob couples that clearly haven’t worked for the money they’re about to spend on confectionery and booze, for example, the (clearly)eastern europeans in their camo knee-length shorts & whilst trainers(ditto on the not-earning) and the cunts with zero control over their brats but still deem to bring five of the fuckers into an enclosed public space. Fuck ’em. They don’t care about inconveniencing YOU, so why should you (not you specifically, Technocunt) give a shit about them?

      Frail & disabled get a pass. I’m not a TOTAL cunt. 😇

    • True, I’ve left a trolley of grub and gone outside for a smoke to stop from punching some baby in the head that won’t shut the fuck up…Mothers in my day wouldn’t put up with that sort of shit, smack it until it went blue, then leave the pram outside in the rain..

      • I’ll treasure the memory of coming out of a Gregg’s one time.

        There was a wasted bird (must have been all of twenty) pushing a buggy with a baby in it, and dragging a toddler along.

        The toddler had a stupendous snot bubble that rhythmically expanding and contracted, and was grizzling fit to bust.

        Mommy dearest yanked on its arm and bawled ‘shut yer fuckin’ face or I’ll shut it fer yer, yer little cunt’.

        Parenting at its finest back in the day. Absolutely made my day it did.

  10. I love the supermarket ❣️
    Much better than online.

    I like to mingle with the Great unwashed.

    Being very tall I’m always asked by old ladies to reach for things on upper shelving.
    Obviously I don’t.
    Fuck em.
    They’re to lazy to bring stepladders,
    Should plan it a bit better.

    And I like to move ‘Wet Floor’ signs if there’s been a spillage.

    Sometimes the staff are a bit miserable but I like to cheer them up by singing a happy tune

    It’s the highlight of my week
    And makes up for not having a holiday.


    • Do you take a Phileas Fogg trip down the world food aisle?
      Around the world in 80 paces..

      • Naw.
        No point Baz.
        I don’t eat foreign muck.
        Nothing on that aisle to tempt me.

        Although I do like the section for allergies!

        Does not contain nuts

        Unscrew the lid, pop in half a bar of marathon, reseal👍

      • more fun to throw pork chops in the halal section and swop the stickers over from halal lamb to halal gammon joints

    • Do you also fart in a busy checkout queue, and then make out it was the old bag standing behind you?

      Oh and never reach up for the top shelf at the behest of some short arse woman. Chances are she’ll pick your pockets at the same time (Dooshkas do this often it seems)

    • You could always put the old ladies on the back of your neck, Mis. That way, their piss stained knickers could wash away the bit you missed, your mummy is always telling you off about.

  11. Never used them but I can see they’re useful for some people, especially if they like surprises.
    The Asda ones that come down our road make more noise than the bin lorry.

    • that’ll be the 20 wollygoggs hanging underneath as it came through the tunnel full of cheese, snails and frog cutlets

  12. ‘dog food instead of gluten free bread’
    dog food probably tasted better.

    ‘nappies instead of toilet paper’
    thats a positive in my book

  13. Don’t think I would mind working on the online shopping crew, putting in pork sausages instead of basmati rice for the ethnically named customer or a bottle of champers instead of camp coffee for the old dears 🫡…. never done the online supermarket thing but it can’t be any worse I suppose than last week’s picking up a carton of milk from Asda which had the 30th December date on 🤮..upon telling the ‘colleague’ he just shrugged his shoulders and declare’ they’ll knock something off at the till, if you still want it’. 😩 I politely told him to drink it on his break…cunt

  14. I must live a charmed existence.

    We do a Sainsbury’s online shop every 3 months or so. Fucking ace. Never any substitutes. If something isn’t available then it simply isn’t delivered. Annoying, but not the end of the world. Like the time we ordered 20 cases of Kronenbourg and only 12 turned up.

  15. It worked well yesterday. It’s my brother’s birthday soon, I ordered some chocolate for him to be delivered. He lives over 200 miles away. Plus, he’s getting a huge box of Lindt eggs which were half price. Cheap enough for me to add some Cadbury creme eggs too. Also half price.

  16. Give it a few more years and supermarkets will be a thing of fond memories.
    Instead the eco-loons will insist we grow our own food or swallow vitamin tablets all day long in order to protect d’world from excessive food production and imports.

    Only the super-wealthy will be able to shop at exclusive “Not for Plebs” shops, such as hob-goblin St Greta of Twelve Toes!

  17. I am a bit fucked, medically, at the moment but went down Tesco last Thursday. The number of staff going around putting stuff in baskets made it difficult to do any shopping but it made me think I should be getting them to deliver in future or click and collect. Fortunately I don’t need any condoms or pregnancy testing kits, which ever employee decided that was a good substitute should actually be promoted. There are too many cunts in this world with no sense of humour.

    • I’m more of the opinion we need to increase the white population and therefore have renamed Sundays as Prick in a condom Day.
      I suggest we shove a pin through every condom in the supermarket.
      10 white kids per household will soon balance up the invaders attempt to out breed us.

  18. Never used online shopping incase I fall off. Just doesn’t take my fancy. I want what I want and nobody will stand in my way. I go shopping the old fashioned way, even though I don’t have a car. Take the free bus and return by taxi. To pay the taxi fare, bargain offers will see to that. Going ones self will always make sure you get the freshest sell-by-date stuff, besides special offers. Having saved that much money, I also tip the cabbie.

    Sometimes if I don’t want a heavy load, cycling along the seafront with my rucksack will see to that.

    • cwt sack of spuds on my head whilst cycling in the rain and towing a wheelbarrow full of pedigree chum…nah thanks, £3 and let some other mug deliver it

  19. I hate going to supermarkets, greedy cunts that they are, cos I want to spend cash not go digital. But good luck if you can find a checkout or machine that accepts cash money these days 😡 Beam me back to the 50’s someone ???!!!

  20. The greedy fuckers would have everybody shopping on line and paying with the electric plastic that way they could sell all the land they own for development get rid of 80% of their staff and operate out of a computerised central depot. Shaft the customer up the pooper and chase the profit for the few, trebles all round!

  21. Tesco have a comment field which is enabled when you turn on subs. I find myself putting “ if you don’t have that then x or y or z will do”. I also make full use of it eg “do not substitute “ in certain cases. Works like a charm.

  22. When are self service going to knock a percentage off the bill for doing their job ? That’s the only time I’ll use it for my maiden shop.

  23. I actually go to the supermarket, cannot move due to employees pushing fucking great trollies about getting stuff for the aforesaid lazy cunts.

  24. As it goes I don’t mind doing the trolley dash when I’m back in blighty. I’m in there at 0730 and manage to miss the cunting kids and the fucking ‘nearly dead’s’ as they shuffle up and down. Always made me think of the movie Dawn of the Dead!

  25. I’m happy to say that I’ve never ordered a single thing on line.

    The wife does all that. Loves it, spends hours and hours perusing.

    Women are from Venus… innit.

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