Dead Cunts at Number 1

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So it’s a rush once again for the Christmas Number One single – but at least this year it’s not likely to be the atrocious LadBaby. No this year, it’s a fight between the dead cunts…

So will it be Denny Laine (Mull of Kintyre) or Shane McGowan (The Fairytale of New York)?

There’s form for this of course. If you want a number one then you need to die first. I give you in no particular order : Freddie Mercury, Johnny Cash, David Bowie, Michael Jackson, George Micheal and no doubt many more – all assured of the number one spot for no other reason than some cynical shit of a record company cashed in on the grief of fans (sad cunts, but that’s another story)

Well I’m happy to put up with being a nobody if it means I have to die first to get a hit record.

Anyway, my version of the Pogues Christmas number one is, in my humble opinion, not only better but more accurate.

Nominated by Chas Crane

93 thoughts on “Dead Cunts at Number 1”

  2. Why can’t it be Cliff Richard? Hurry up and die, you turtle-necked boy fucker.
    🎵Christmas time, Cliff’s wreath and wine,
    Singers bumming boys who are 9,
    With tears on their faces and spunk in their ass,
    Time to rejoice in a Yuletide black mass🎶

  3. I can’t wait for Mr Blobby to die so that they can re-release his massive No1 hit.

    • Barry Killerby.

      He was a classically trained actor, reduced to the status of a Blobby.

    • You may not have long to wait. Mr Blobby died earlier this week from sponge fatigue. Don’t believe what CP above says. Mr Blobby was no actor, he was a natural showman with a highly unusual genetic composition.

  4. Just think, there’ll be lots more dead cunts fighting for top spot in the very near future.
    Macca, Fat Reg, Noddy and, dog help us, Cliff.
    It’s a problem that can only get worse.
    On a slightly different note, I see the BBC have been ‘Live’ reporting most of the day on Shane McBogtrotters funeral. Apparently Bono and Geldof are taking part.
    No where near a big enough part for me when it comes to funerals.

  5. The grief jacking was strong at the funeral of the plastic paddy who wrote that shitty Christmas ditty earlier today.

    The usual cunts and ‘Bonio’ had to have their two minutes of limelight.

  9. I’ve got a tenner on the recently deceased Harry Belafonte and Tina Turner duetting for Christmas number one with White Privilege Christmas.

  10. The Christmas Number 1.

    Number 1 of what? A chart full of shit year-round.
    Haven’t listened to a chart run-down since the mid-nineties, FFS.

    I never had much time for the anxiety of my discerning contemporaries to topple Simon Cowell’s latest project with their own idea of good, ‘real’ music.

    Predictably, such campaigns were soon split between several opposing factions and Cowell’s minion stormed to the top anyway.

    Give it to the sausage roll song. Anything is better than Fairytale in New York.

  11. Fairytale of New York is always on if you go for a drink near Christmas.

    A good drinking song really,
    I like songs with swear words in em.

    It feels odd to think both Kirstie mcColl and Shane McGowan are now dead.

    Good 😁

      • I like Mull of Kintyre.
        Sorry.
        I fuckin love Mull of Kintyre!

        And I don’t give a fuck what any of you think.

        You can all get fucked.

        It’s fuckin beautiful and the best thing that cunt McCartney ever did.

        Denny Laine?
        Is our ears and in our eyes
        Wet beneath the blue suburban skies
        Denny Laine

      • Ever been to the Mull, Mis.

        They’ve now got a bridge ( toll, of course), but for years the only way over was via a cart track, with a sheer drop to the passenger side and a solid rock face to the right.

        I wouldn’t have led a donkey along it, but fuck me parters driving and a bin wagon comes hurtling towards us, how it didn’t sweep us over the edge, I’ll never know, but it was definitely a clean pants, please, moment.

      • I meant to say there was a chain ferry at the Kyle of Lochalsh that took about 4 cars at a time, to take you across.

        That was fun!

      • I liked ‘Mr Blobby’, not quite for the song, just because it annoyed the pretentious, moody middle-class wankers at school.

        You’d follow-up by calling Kurt Cobain a wanker, or I would’ve if i’d heard of the by-then dead cunt.

      • Evening Jeezum. Your post regarding Mull brings to mind when we were in Brum in 1979 and a call came in for a site in Aberystwyth. I went out there in our manual three litre Capri. On the way back through the mountains in mid Wales I picked up an Alfetta GTV Strada with French plates. He was up for it and we had fun for miles, up to 105 in places. Came a point where we were rolling into a tight left hander, sheer drop to the right and him in front. I was on the brakes and to my surprise he was not. Next thing, the Alfa’s on opposite lock, brake lights on and all four tyres smoking. He only just got away with it. Next layby he pulled over and gave it up, the Wimp.

        Sounds like your late partner knew what she was doing though Jeezum, so be grateful for that!

      • Like a fucking mad, no holds barred, rally driver.
        I was screaming, I’m not ashamed to admit it.

        Snow, ice, pft!

      • Denny Laine was a nice bloke. He co-wrote Mull of Kintyre. Macca took the royalties whilst Denny was fobbed off with a one off fee. Macca made millions while Denny was royally fucked over.
        McCunty is a miserable fucking scouser cunt in my book. Can’t fucking stand the fucker.

      • Mull of Kintyre’s B-Side ‘Girls School’ is better.

        Macca is reputedly the tightest man in rock.

    • I never liked George Michael.
      No reason apart from his pop music,
      And I being a music snob.

      But I was wrong.
      He was a decent bloke.

      He donated a lot of money to help people and insisted on it being on the quiet with his name kept out of it.

      He didn’t virtue signal.

      So apologies George 👍
      You were ok by me.

  15. Absolutely magnificent!

    I was crying with laughter, you have made an extremely shite day into a brilliant one, with just that song!

    Many, many thanks, CC.

  16. Haven’t seen any mention of Mariah Carey and that suicide-inducing All I Want for Christmas.
    Fuck me that song sticks in the head.

    • I heard a similar, newer Christmas song on the radio the other day, Kelly Clarkson’s ‘under the tree’.

      Had to look it up out of horror.

      Definitely the weaker of the two. Nauseating.

    • All a dream..

      Yes, indeed Baz.

      I wonder what cunt thought that surrounding JM with artificial greenery would add to the songs message?

      • Not sure if that was tbe year ‘Mary’ (the blonde, blue-eyed version) hoisted the baby jesus by its swaddling and it spun and shot out onto the floor of the assembly hall.

  18. Slightly OT, but as we’re talking about the season of gritted teeth, forced jollity and whose turn it is to have incontinent, dipso Aunt Aggie this year.

    Tesco: Mulled Wine scented toilet bleach.

    I think it’s a American thing, or only available in Southern England, deffo na in our local.

    • Don’t you like Christmas JP?

      Lots of miserable bastards on here don’t.

      I do though.
      Like the tree 🌲
      Mince pies
      Turkey dindins
      Excited little kids
      And hymns.

      I go quite devout at Christmas.
      Not even Christian
      But I’m almost Christ like week before Christmas.

      Whistling hymns in my father Christmas hat.
      A nicer , peace and goodwill to all men motherfucker.

      • I’m not a fan of all the false bonhomie, I can’t be doing with this once a fucking year jollity love fest, people who only get in touch ( hoping for free B&B), liggers and jakeys the lot.

        My close family see each other several times a week. We take turns hosting Sunday dinner, and eat out together regularly.

        They’re the people I want to spend Christmas with.

      • Fucking hell Miserable, you’ll be telling us next you do hospital radio for the children’s ward and sneak off on Christmas Day to help out at the local soup kitchen. As long as you make up for it by being a bit of a cunt the other 51 weeks of the year.

      • Those are the things I like about Christmas as well Mis’, even though I can’t stand almost all of the rest of it, which is largely commercial tat. The worst part is radios playing the same awful music for three weeks straight.

  19. Christmas songs and what tops the charts? I give not one fuck. Personally if you’re English and you suffer from being over sentimental pause to think before you celebrate the possibility of an IRA supporter from Guilford topping the charts!

    ‘I was ashamed I didn’t have the guts to join the IRA — and the Pogues was my way of overcoming that.’

    Trouble with this country, we have short memories.

  20. Why do people clap at funerals? And we have a minutes applause now instead of a minutes silence. Why can’t people just shut the fuck up for half an hour? Is that asking too much?

    • Bob, yesterday about 40 vehicles, with passengers holding coloured smoke flares out the windows, honking horns, flashing hazards and other flashing lights, went down my road at about 40, through a temporary red light with no intention of stopping, whooping and howling like Barbary apes.

      I’ll take clapping over that, any day.

  21. It’s with some regret that I note Jebus didn’t cover “Ace of Spades” as some sort of comeback special.

    God Bless Lemmy.

  22. Fucking shite…I hate Christmas, I loath Christmas songs and dead cunts can all go to Hades where they belong and toast on the fires.

    You can bury me face down so people can kiss my ass.

  23. Dirty Harriet is forcing me to listen to xmass music and I have just niticed the cunts have cut the bit out of Bandaids feed the world where Francis Rossi is perving over Bananaramas arses…
    Only good bit in that fucking song….

    • Francis did his ‘fair cop’ grin to the cameras at Band Aid.
      He was leering at Jodie Watley (of Shalamar) and her arse.

  24. Fuck Christmas and all who sail under its flag of bullshit, greed, false jovially possessed wankers who are cunts all year and expect you to believe that for two weeks they are your best mate, the dopey cunts wearing Santa hats and reindeer antlers out and about the place. The fucking tv adverts portraying whitey as grasping cunts and your ethnic as pillars of the community working in the soup kitchen Christmas day (sky sports cricket ad). Two weeks off for a two day festival no wonder the country has gone down the shitter.
    I FECKIN HATE CHRISTMAS.

  25. Your version is better, Chas. I have never liked the Pogues version.
    That said, I would rather have that than that Ladbaby shite.

  26. Christmas music of fucking great. Nat King Cole, Harry Connick Jnr, Barry Manilow, tip top crooning. Then get out the 78s. New box of needles and away you go – Bing Crosby, Judy Garland, Betty Hutton, anyone except that squeaky shrieky cunt Gracie Fields. Good jobs he fucked off to Capri, all that fucking noise. Her and her fucking massive aspidistra.

  27. To the Three Wise Peacefuls of Gaza, that isn’t a star.

    More likely an IDF bunker buster.

    Merry Christmas!

  28. I’ve just heard FairyCunt of NY, so it’s officially time for my annual Yuletide rant. Let’s face it, Christmas is fucking shit, and is only worsened by stupid, gormless cunts making fucking shit songs about it! That painty faced cunt Roy ‘Wizard’ Wood is a prime example, and the less said about cunty boy Cliff, the better! If I get my fucking hands on either of them. Thankfully I haven’t heard that Vic Reeves impersonator Noddy ‘shouty mouthed Brummie cunt’ Holder bellowing out his shite, just yet! The whole concept of Christmas just brings out the inner cunt in me, and I just wish everyone’s, apart from my fellow isac’s of course, Dec 25th would turn to absolute fucking rat shit, with scenes of devastation everywhere just so I can have something to laugh about! There, I’ve said it!

  29. Probably been mentioned already in the comments above (sorry, I’m a lazy cunt on Saturdays and can’t be arsed to trawl through)
    but anybody else thinking how hypocritical of the ultra woke BBC and media in general to go on about the death of that Provo supporting Brit hating Fenian bastard toothless pisshead like he is some National treasure while playing a heavily edited version of THAT song?

  30. Well Ozzy has been walking dead for nearly two decades – hows about a bit of classic Sabbath for the Xmas top spot?

    Generals gathered in their masses
    Just like witches at black masses…..

    Beginning to feel a lot like Christmas already!

    • ‘Generals gathered in their masses
      Just like witches at black (err)…masses…..’

      Not the best lyrical composition

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