One Man Army’ Flicks

Posted on by

 
are a cunt,

I’ve posted a couple of times in the past about annoying, wearisome clichéd themes, scenes, and dialogue in films and on tv. You know the sort of stuff I mean; the frazzled cop who gets just 48 hours to crack the case, the ‘none of this makes any sense’ sort of line. There’s been a lot of it over the years.

Well last night I was reminded of yet another variant, which might be termed the ‘one man army’ film. You know the drill; jaded, mysterious ‘ex special ops’ loner type is forced to confront a bunch of vicious criminals or fanatical terrorists.

I was looking at YouTube and a film called ‘Skin Traffik’ popped up. Although the premise was familar (weary loner takes on vile human traffickers), I was drawn in by the promise of what appeared to be a half-decent cast; martial arts veteran Gary Daniels in the lead, plus Michael Madsen, Daryl Hannah, Mickey Rourke, Eric Roberts and Jeff Fahey.

To be fair, the first half-hour or so exercised a bit of control and set the story up well. From then on however, things rapidly got out of hand. In true ‘Equalizer’, ‘Commando’ and ‘John Wick’** style, our hero gets attacked by hordes of tooled-up goons who he proceeds to waste by stabbing, blasting and kicking to death, all while suffering barely a scratch himself.

By the time the hundredth baddy had had his head booted in, the whole thing had taken on such an air of surreal ridiculousness that I actually burst out laughing. It doesn’t matter how well staged things are (and the combat scenes are well-staged here), the production always goes over the top to the point where even the most uncritical viewer can’t contain his disbelief. Clichéd doesn’t do it justice.

So there we go. I add the ‘one man army’ flick to the list of lazy and sloppy film tropes. The great ‘Die Hard’ laid down the template of course; pity that it’s been mostly downhill since.

**current on-screen JW kill count approaching 450, would you believe.

Youtube

Nominated by Ron Knee.

103 thoughts on “One Man Army’ Flicks”

  2. The way things are going the British Army will soon be one man.
    And to tick all the diversity and inclusion boxes ‘he’ will be a chippy black disabled trans lesbo dwarf with pink hair, painted nails and pronouns.

  3. Chuck Norris has made his entire career out of killing hordes of A-rabs, dagos and Viet Cong commies.

    Chuck Norris died 20 years ago.

    Death just hasn’t had the courage to tell him.

      • Not very versatile compared to old Steven Seagull. He could play everything from tiddley winks to Eskimos

      • Old Seagull was always at his best when he played the cop ex cop/CIA ex CIA/special forces ex special forces guy on a mission to avenge the death of his partner/son/wife/best friend at the hands of…well just about anybody really.

        To be fair, he didn’t overdo this role in his one thousand straight to dvd performances.

        A master craftsman and ‘d’ list performer.

      • I enjoyed that Cobra Kai series recently.
        Mainly because of Martin Kove and Thomas Ian Griifith as the bad bastards, Jon Kreese and Terry Silver,

    • The snot from Norris’ nose would harden before reaching his lips, due to the philtrum being a yard long. I only mentioned that because I had nothing to say about his acting ability, other than woodentop.

  4. There has only ever been one true one man army.. The scurge of the right wing..Step forward Owen Jones..

    I’ll scratch your eyes out you bitch..

  5. The yanks started this nonsense of one man bands, from; Tom Mix, Hopalong Cassidy, Roy Rogers and other twats who never got their clothes dirty doing it. Then came John can’t act for toffee Wayne. Audie Murphy was the only true hero.

    • quite right Sammy.
      Audie Murphy played himself in a film,
      he won a purple heart for singlehandedly attacking a machine gun post.

      Angry little cunt

      • Jimmy Stewart (RIP) saw proper action in World War II.

        Interesting fact. Harry .H. Corbett – better known as Harold Steptoe – got medals for bravery in the war, for single handedly killing Japs.

  6. I can`t help thinking that the The Sound Of Music might have been a bit more edgy if Maria Von Trapp had machine-gunned a few of those naughty Nazis on their escape from that song contest.
    Then they could have made a sequel: Sieg Heil ! Sing Harder !

    • With Clint Eastwood reprising his role as Schaffer from ‘Where Eagles Dare’. Dead Huns by the thousand, with a new score by Rodgers and Hammerstein!

      The queues would’ve been round the block.

      • Hi Ron,
        I’d like to be the commissionaire who told everyone the house was full, then go back in and watch something much more substantial from my World Cinema collection.

    • With me being a true music lover, the film mentioned went under the heading the sound of muzak. Lower keys for derogatory reasons only.

      • With me it’s being straight. I’ve never seen the Sound of Music. I’ve seen it performed by classmates at school, but not the film.
        I did see the old West Side Story film at school, and Oliver! and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

        I did try watching The Rocky Horror Picture Show but nearly cringed to death within 10 minutes, said ‘this is gay as fuck’ and turned the TV off.
        I laughed at the wrong bits of Les Miserables.

        Andrew Lloyd Webbers stuff is shite.
        His songs are nursey rhymes for adults.

      • It ran for well over three years at the beautiful picture palace ‘The Gaumont’ in Brum.

        Some barmy old dear became famous for seeing it over a thousand times. I think that in the end, the management gave her a free pass.

      • @Ron

        Ah yes, the good old The Gaumont. A beautiful old school cinema long gone now of course.

        I think my first film there was Star Wars in 1977/8. Had to queue for 2 hours to get in, but the film was awesome in 70mm Dolby stereo.

        Certainly more comfortable and atmospheric compared to the old Queensway, ABC New Street, Odeon New Street and the CineCentre on the Queensway.

        Then of course there was the old Jacey Cinema, which showed wall-to-wall soft porn films 24/7, or so I was told by a mate.

    • I know she was seen as bit goody goody. But I always fancied giving the young Julie Andrews a damn good shagging.

      • She was fucking red hot in all that sexy Victorian gear in ‘Mary Poppins’.

        As a panting teenager, I wanked myself into a stupor over our Jules many a time. Always fancied MP showing me the ropes, so to speak.

      • Julie was an old Norman favourite, Ron.
        As was Una Stubbs (RIP) in Till Death Us Do Part. I wanted her badly.

        The Mayfair Cinema in Whitefield, Manchester was wonderful. A twin cinema, with a bar too. Have a brandy while watching Jaws.

        I recall most of the cast of Coronation Street turned up to see The Towering Inferno. None of them sat next to each other or spoke to one another.And they were miserable cunts.

        Except Julie Goodyear and Anne Kirkbride (RIP). They did sit together and they were sound as pound with us ‘ordinary’folk. I must say, I enjoyed flirting with both of them. No dice, but it did my young ego no end ofgood.

  7. Personally, I’m glad they still make these type of films. Clichéd and far fetched they may be, but at least they give us a break from the shite us blokes have to endure currently.
    Have a look for new and exciting drama and what do you get?
    Strong wimminz detectives in failing mixed race relationships, fighting against their hide bound, sexist bosses to get to the truth.
    Ultimately they succeed, but the ending is always bitter sweet as they continue their fight against misogyny.
    Give me some mindless violence any day of the week.

  8. Neeson’s turn in ‘Taken’ was great, but it has resulted in countless naff “one man army” films that are just a pile of knock-off cuntery.

    Stallone is the absolute king. He can make as many “one man army” flicks as he likes, Not a duffer anywhere in my opinion. I enjoyed ‘Bullet to the Head”. Rambos 4 and 5 were masterpieces. I even liked Expendable 4 – I knew Barney Ross could not really be dead! Stallone is immortal. Even the Pope thinks so.

    Some cunts have come late to the game. Butler is the latest to follow the money. His shit is laughable. The only film of his that I really liked was ‘Den of Thieves.’ A sort of ‘Heat’ but with the roids measuring off the charts.

    Good morning, everyone.

    .

    • Agreed Twenty. I don’t mind Sly with Demolition Man being guilty pleasure from my teens.

      In fact the film was a bit of a glimpse into the future. Woke cops terrified of criminals, a liberal autocratic society, thought crimes and compelled language. No three seashells yet though.

      Mellow greetings and salutations.

      • Agree, LL. ‘Demolition Man’ is superb. Sandra Bullock was hot back then.

        ‘Judge Dredd’ is an often overlooked Stallone classic. Made a couple of years after ‘Demolition Man’, it provides a nice alternative view of what law and order should be about. No need for overpaid lefty cunts in wigs!

      • Unrelated to Sly’s version, ‘Dredd’ from 2012 is a great film if you haven’t seen it.

      • I know I’ve seen Stallone as Dredd but I remember nothing about it. The Karl Urban film is well good, innit.

      • Yes I still enjoy Demolition Man. I just see what’s happened with our stupid country and think of John Spartan’s retort to ‘be well’.

        Be fucked.

  9. Hero gets kicked in the knackers, collapses in agony, then jumps up two seconds later and kills a dozen baddies. Utter bollocks.

  10. You’re right about these invincible one-man armies Ron, and there are lots of other wearisome clichés that film makers don’t have the imagination to avoid. Like someone having to be brought out of retirement to do a job because no-one else is capable of doing it. Then there are far too many with the plot based on someone who’s searching for a relative. I’ve got lots of relatives I was only too glad to lose. Another thing that makes me groan is when someone tickles a person who’s on the phone trying to put them off their conversation. And when an actor moves the phone from one ear to the other. People don’t do this, it only happens in films. Other things that bug me – someone opens a pill bottle only to find it’s empty. In real life a bottle is thrown out when the last pill is swallowed. People go on the run and their car breaks down. You just know it’s going to happen. A person nearly falls from a train – this was a cliché as far back as the nineteen twenties. Someone’s trying not to make a noise and they drop something.
    At least nine out of every ten discs I buy ends up on Ebay or at the local charity shop. Finding one worth keeping makes it all worth it.

    • Afternoon Allan. Do you recall ‘The Wild Geese’ (1978)? As well as massacring loads of Zimbabwe types, the characters are brought out of retirement! An absolute classic and an early example of the ‘brought-out-of-retirement-for-one-more-job ensemble piece. My personal favourite bits in it are where characters keep saying how handsome Roger Moore is. The suave cunt must have had it put in his contract! Genius.

    • Good list Allan lad. A big bugbear of mine is the one in charge of continuity who are bad at their job and need to be given the Chinese burn.

    • And computers : early films had thousands of flashing coloured lights for some reason. Newer ones have 3-d swirling holograms that the hero moves with his hands.

    • Afternoon Allan.

      As you may know, I and others have waxed lyrical on the subject of cliché riddled plots and dialogue in films on a few occasions. Hollywood films have become overwhelmed by this kind of tired, lazy film-making in recent decades.

      Thanks for your great observations; the one about passing the phone from one ear to the other is a doozy.

  11. Gary Daniels and Eric Roberts? There’s 2 red flags.

    Sort of agree with this cunting; much like Zombie films, the one .an army revenge action-thriller is so overdone its sitting in the toaster with acrid smoke billowing out.

    By the way people talk about John Wick you’d think it was some sort of masterpiece. I found it more of the same. Are these bozos so lacking in film viewing experience they think it is some how original?

    As for Die Hard, I’m pretty sure Commando csme out a couple of years ealier, and I enjoyed it more.

    How can you not like Bennett?

    Strange fact: Arnold visited the fictional nation of ‘Val Verde’ twice; once as John Matrix in Commando, then as Dutch Schaffer in Predator.

    • I shit you not, I had to turn John wick on off after 10 minutes. It was beyond rediculous, it’s like the film had been thought up by kids. It seems cinema now has to be overly loud, very poorly thought up, inconsistant plots, woke, strong female character, bumers and if it’s holywoke you already know the above will apply. I just wonder why films are not just made to be good without the crap. That said all quiet on the western front was very good, in my opinion anyway.

      • Apparently JW5 is in the works; Reeves is keen to keep making them apparently.

        I suppose he’ll be looking to take his kill count to over 500, not to mention adding $20m a pop to his bank account.

      • Hollywood still hasn’t learned;

        They splurge £200 million plus on superhero films full of women who can do anything (the ‘Mary Sue’) and useless white men, and are then surprised that men didn’t go to watch it, but neither did women, because they aren’t really the audience for CGI superhero films and don’t like the patronising, obnoxious characters.

        You often see people excusing this by saying that ESG investment will make them more money than the box office, but this is flat-out false and wishful thinkin especially as studio executives and directors have been caught lying to those investors.

      • Looks like ‘The Marvels’ is the latest Hollywoke box office bomb.

        The agenda has become much more important than actually not making a huge loss, never mind a profit. Doesn’t matter if huge sections of the would-be audience thinks that the product’s dog shit.

        Go woke, go broke.

    • John Wick all started with a dog.
      You don’t shoot a man’s dog.
      If you do the world has to endure 4 shitty action movies (soon to be 5 apparently).

  12. The only thing worse than a one man army is a one wimminz army like in Kill Bill or Peppermint.
    The oldest example of a one man slaughter machine I can think of is Samson in the Bible who slew hordes with a jawbone. Too bad there was no Tim Tok to catch that one on video.

    • I enjoyed Kill Bill despite the implausibility. Also Gunpowder Milkshake. Absolutely ridiculous, but fun.

  13. There was only the “one man army” of Klaus Kinski you didn’t want to mess with and that was before he started acting. His evil looks were enough to strike fear into ones eyes to start with.

    My only annoyance that he wasn’t put away for the incestuous acts upon his daughter Nastassja Kinski. Besides the shithouse director Werner Herzog not having the guts to control him, even after receiving a bullet wound from cunt Klaus. There again, we wouldn’t have had the opportunity to see Kinski’s superb acting abilities.

    • Bruce was the top bollocks. Saw all his films.

      There was a picture house on Market Street in Manchester, The Cinephone. They specialised in martial arts films and blueys/pornos.
      I saw Way of the Dragon and Naked Over the Fence in the same night. Sylvia Kristel (RIP). Lovely stuff.

  16. Jason fucking Statham.

    Isn’t he in a new film – another Expendables – with old timers, Sly and Lundgren?

    Still, if Megan Fox runs about in next to nowt a lot, it might be worth a shufty.

  17. John Wayne still rules.
    The Duke was worth all these modern action hero hard men put together.

    Same goes for Clint Eastwood. Dirty Harry, The Eiger Sanction, High Plains Drifter. Absolute classics.

  19. I’d like to see a One Man Dad’s Army movie. Corporal Jones on the rampage – body count of 500 Fuzzy-Wuzzies.

    • This is how I would cast “They Don’t Like it Up ‘Em” –

      Private Jones – Clive Dunn
      Private Pike – Sylvester Stallone.
      Sgt Wilson – Clint Eastwood
      Private Godfrey – Arnold Schwarzenegger
      Captain Mainwaring – Chuck Norris
      Private Walker – Tom Cruise

      Bound to be a blockbuster.

      • With

        Mrs Pike – Scarlett Johansson

        Mrs Fox – Christina Hendricks

        Land Girls – Kylie Minogue, Michelle Keegan, Hayley Atwell

        Saucy Nazi with big knockers – Leict Perlig

        Adolf Hitler – Sir Lenny Henry

  23. Jackie Chan, was always a good laugh.

    He was a martial arts master and appeared in a shedload of Hong Kong cheapo martial arts films in the 70s and 80s before hitting the big time in Hollywood and the rather naff Rush Hour series.

    The Police Story franchise was always my favourite of his, not least because of he way he beaten up hundreds of bad guys who just stood around waiting to be kung-fu’d (not one thought about using a gun). But the franchise also starred the delectable Michelle Yeoh!

    Would be interested who’d come out on top between Chan and Lee.

    • Jackie Chan was a student of the Peking Opera school. He was very good acrobatically and knows Kung Fu. Rush Hour was him trying to break into the American Market. He was also in Enter the Dragon with Bruce Lee briefly.

      I think Donnie Yen would have been the sucessor to Bruce Lee. He’s studied lots of martial arts and is fast as fuck.

      I know these films are cheesy but tbh they have a certain charm for me.
      When I was a teenager I used to rent these sorts of films from the local cornershop/video shop for about £1.50 a time back in 1994/95 and they gave me a lot of entertainment and an escape .
      The Asian owner (nice bloke) didn’t give a fuck as long as I paid the money.

      In particular it was the story of how the underdog triumphed over some corrupt cockwombles or how criminals got their comeuppance. If it stars Olivier Gruner or Lorenzo Lamas chances are it’s going to be a bit shit.

      The worst one that I ever watched was called Psycho Kickboxer
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HpnYreM0Nz0
      Fucking hell that was hilariously shit!

  24. Apparently Michael Barrymore is considering taking the lead role in a remake of Fistful of Dollars, called “A Fistfull of Arseholes!”

Comments are closed.