October

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The Month of October is a cunt.

Not only do the nights draw in and the clocks go back; kids go mental on sugar and additives for Halloween.

It is also the month of the party conferences. Wall to wall bullshit as a general election draws ever closer. Outlandish promises will be made by insincere politicians. Policies which the public knows are never going to be implemented. ‘We will stop open door immigration’ they will say. ‘We will end the crazy policy of giving aid to India.’ ‘We will review Net Zero.’ ‘We will get tough on benefits scroungers.’ ‘We will guarantee no further lockdowns or mask mandates.’ ”We will lower personal taxation.’ ‘Vote for us or that Kweer bloke will get in.’ ‘Vote for us because Ed Davy is a nice man.’

It was in October 1066 that the Frenchies won at Hastings. It was in October 1957 that the Windscale fire heralded the age of atomic disasters. It was in October 1972 that Parliament enacted the European Communities Act which led us into the EC (later the EU). It was in October 1938 that Hitler annexed the Sudetenland. And worst of all, It was in October 1926 that Jimmy Savile was born.

My advice to cunters is to batten down the metaphorical hatches. If the past is anything to go by we are in for one helluva ride…

YouTube Link 1.

YouTube Link 2.

Nominated by : Twenty Thousand Cunts Under the Sea

96 thoughts on “October”

    • My bird at the time gave me my first ever BJ in October about a million years ago.

      Had a kungfu boner that night, I can tell you. Could’ve snapped paving stones on it.

  2. My dad and my best friend were born in October.
    They’re both dead now.
    Maybe there is something in this October business?
    Good evening.

  3. You do have a point… it’s black history month.. join me fellow cunters in trying to find some sort of black achievement..

    The task will be hard and arduous but maybe we will prevail..

    Nah fuck it.. let’s crack open a beer..

    • Sorry for having to correct you, old mate but:-

      Our people of colour won both WWs for us
      Ditto invented the World Wide Web.
      Ditto invented the NHS
      Ditto gave us the Industrial Revolution
      Ditto invented the TV.
      Ditto Stonehenge

      You probably missed all these important facts while you were dossing about during your school history lessons back in the day.

      • Don’t forget that black woman who was a maths genius and got all the NASA space rockets to the moon safely. Apparently.
        And that other one, the glorified seller of spices who had all her ideas stolen off her by the racist Florence Nightingale. Allegedly.

    • I’ve just seen some indescribable shit on the internet, ‘Black History – Why It’s Important’. I didn’t read any further just as I don’t hold an impromptu ceremony before I flush after every shit.
      What is fucking important is that we stop this and all other insidious fucking attempts at brainwashing Anglo-Saxons before they go any further.

    • In 1898, WJ Ballow invented the Combined Hat Rack And Table.
      Patent number 601422.
      If that’s not an achievement I don’t know what is!

      • The jet engine? DNA? Smallpox vaccine?

        Get outta here!

        Take a bow for the combined hat rack and table.

      • So he saw a hat rack and a table separately. Then nailed them together?
        Eat your heart out edison

  4. It was in October 1982 that I married the wife. I didn’t realise it at the time but know now why things were fated to go downhill for me from then on.
    October’s also the month of harvest festival, or (in November) Thanksgiving to most Americans, but Thankstaking to those who believe in George Floyd’s innocence.

  5. Black history month?

    What history?

    Nope, can’t think of anything, nothing stands out, and nothing outstanding.

    I agree with Twenty, though. I hate October, in fact November and December can do one, too!
    As for the 13 week month that is January, words fail me.

    Roll on, February.

  7. I like October.

    It’s like the funeral of my enemy, …summer.

    No more sweaty balls
    Melting tarmac
    Noisy cunts in noisy clothes

    No more breathing out my arse when working.

    Sleep easier.

    It’s autumn, and summer is in a coma.
    Stick a pillow over its face and enjoy the plummeting mercury!

    Soon be Christmas 🌲⛄

      • As long as you promise not to get up on the table and belt out the Beastie Boys ‘(You Gotta) Fight For Your Right (To Party)’ like at last years IsAC Christmas party JP.

    • ‘The funeral of my enemy’
      Too right Mnc, i loathe and despise the heat and humidity of summer.

      Some can’t and wont let go of summer until there’s snow on the ground. Still expect to hear the piss-boiling sound of flip flops and the
      sight of numbnuts in shorts a t shirts well into frosty territory.

      • It actually makes me howl with laughter, PC.

        Our postie wears shorts and, my days, does she not own a mirror?

      • I’m still in t-shirt and shorts JP.

        Will be until it cools down

        I get through lots of t-shirts, they rot with the salt from sweating while working.

        Can’t wait for a decent ground frost 😁

      • You in shorts, the imagined visual, I can cope with.

        Besides, your shorts are probably made of rabbit skins, or summat.

        But I actually see my postie!

      • I wouldn’t be seen dead in shorts, don’t have the legs for it.
        It’s called self awareness, something sorely lacking in today’s
        ‘look at me’ society, along with brain cells.

        It would be a cold day in hell before i wore flip-flops or any such slothfull footwear in public.

        I did see a nice sort walking her dog this morning, in her fluffy pink slippers!

      • That’s animal cruelty, making the dog wear fluffy slippers.
        As is dressing your dog in any kind of costume.

    • @mnc wash 🧼 and shave 🪒 your balls. October is shit. Grey and drizzle outside. Shit it is.

    • My wife put her electric blanket on last night…
      Fucking Christ on a e-scooter!

  8. “Season of mists and mellow fruitfulness” wittered poet John Keats about autumn.
    He obviously never watched a game of football at Arbroath in a howling gale in mid-October.

    • Season of trekking soggy fucking leaves into the house after every dog walk, more like.
      Not to mention huge, come on if you think you’re hard enough, spiders.
      Bugger off, you twats, I’ve got a slipper and I’m not afraid to use it.
      Also thousands of snails and slugs, eurgh!

      • Aw Jeezum, not the spiders! Lovely little furry creatures with all those legs and eyes. Loads of them in our house. We could send you a random selection if you like?

      • Cheers arfur, but I’ve got an excellent selection already.
        Dexter (murder on his mind) is having a field day.

        Trouble is, he leaves the corpses for me to remove, little twat!

  9. of course what that header pic doesn’t show is gangsters and shoplifters and rapists and chavs hiding behind those trees ready to jump on any unsuspecting soul.

  10. Later on, October edging into November, the scum start their Christmas shopping, no garden shed is safe, unless you use it as a kennel for attack dogs.

  11. October should be enjoyed, gathering the final fruits, nuts and berries, with dawn at a reasonable hour, beautiful light when conditions are right, golden colours of foliage whispering farewell and sombre sunsets sometimes intense as one takes a moment to reflect.

    But fkn no, I’m dreaming aren’t I, all we get is traffic chaos, school runs the biggest contributors, talk of budgets and managing finances, getting oil for the heating as the price gouging is in full swing, statements for politicos who are back from long holidays inflicting the righteous act.
    Then some cunt mentions Christmas.

  12. Surely February is the most miserable month.
    But at least there is less noise from the neighbours as they’re all tucked up inside.

    • There is less noise, mercifully.
      But it doesn’t apply to the ear piercing shreiks of the child banshee in the block next door.

    • I’m fond of February because it’s the shortest month, payday is the last banking day, I feel like a millionaire in February.
      Also, it’s usually the month when it starts to warm up a bit, days lengthen etc.
      I like the world when it’s wide awake, not half asleep and sucking it’s thumb.

    • Not sure about February. It’s got a bit of a complex anyway, given that it only has 28 days most of the time.

      Then there’s Valentine’s Day and having to fork out a fortune on tat that would normally cost a fraction of that on any other day other than the 2 weeks up to the 14th.

      But if you make no effort to show your love you’ll get kicked in the balls and told to fuck off. Which means going back home to the missus and pretending you love her instead!

      Give me March any day of the…err, week. Even the name sounds bold and strident with no pissing abahhht. Just getting ready for Spring and telling Winter to piss off for another year. Plus the clocks go forward, which although means an hour less in bed it does mean lighter mornings/evenings.

      • I think my wife’s thinking is fucked up. She hates Valentines day. I was told she would stick any flowers I gave me up the Gary Glitter if I presented her with blooms then.

  13. Best way to enjoy autumn is up a hill early doors.

    About 5.30am looking down on the villages not yet awake.

    A hipflask of whisky or blast of strong coffee.
    Sat on a rock with just God and the occasional sheep for company.

    Magical.

    Or out in the woods dead leaves swirling around in the wind.
    And opening your mackintosh to let the air gently caress your genitals.

      • Imagine MNC (6’2″?) trying to fit in my clothes, camp, floral and they fit me perfectly…5’9″ and slim/athletic.
        That’d be hilarious!

    • Chased out of town again by the pitchfork mob mis?
      You really should give up the knicker stealing game..

  14. And that’s another thing that boils my piss, Techno.

    Stop fucking about with the clocks!
    You’re NOT Dr. Who, it makes a negligible difference turning them forward, back, forward and the actual reason for doing so ended 80 odd years ago.

    • I’ve wrote a few that were instant classics Cuntymort.

      Withering heights
      Tale of two titties
      The Flasher in the rye
      Jane ayry arse

      And one for the Chinese community,
      Of Rice and Men

      • Lord of the Fries too.

        To Kill A Mockingbird was an instant bestselling cookbook in China.

  16. At least October contains the passing chance of a half-decent horror film.
    That new Exorcist one looks promising.
    https://youtu.be/T_NNDIRXghg?feature=shared
    Two girls possessed, one white, one black. The white girl is clearly under demonic influence.
    The black one, highly violent, speaking in an unintelligible language…might be possessed, hard to tell. Might just be being a standard moon cricket.

    • Doe the film have a cameo from Greta MonsterMunch?

      I can imagine her pulling those spaz “how dare you?” faces for anything she doesn’t like.

      The good thing is that she won’t need any makeup or sfx to make her look demonic!

      • She has one sentence Thecno, the scene with puke all over her face and something about mothers an hell.
        She revels in the environment, director shocked, camera crew silent, the divil witnessed

  19. Some October Highlights from history:

    959 – Edgar ascended to the English throne upon the death of his brother Eadwig.

    Earwig, great British name….

    1918 – First World War: British and Arab troops captured Damascus from the Ottoman Empire.

    The Arabs loved us so much they’ve purchased most of London and Manchester City FC

    1766 – As part of wider food riots, citizens in Nottingham, England, looted large quantities of cheese, with one man killed during attempts to restore order.

    MNC maybe a direct descendant of a cheese rioter, bare this in mind if you should be having a rummage in his fridge, leave the cheese well alone.

    Greenpeace was incorporated as the Don’t Make a Wave Committee in British Columbia, Canada.

    More evidence that Canada can’t be trusted.

    1762 – Seven Years’ War: The Battle of Manila concluded with a British victory over Spain, leading to a twenty-month occupation.

    And that’s why we get prime spots on Spanish beaches.

    1927 – The Jazz Singer, one of the first feature-length motion pictures with a synchronized recorded music score, was released.

    Which is now celebrated annually for a month.

    1888 – French inventor Louis Le Prince filmed Roundhay Garden Scene (featured), the earliest surviving motion picture, in Leeds, England.

    Proving the French think Leeds is superior to any city in France.

    1965 – English model Jean Shrimpton wore a controversially short minidress to Derby Day at Flemington Racecourse in Melbourne, Australia – a pivotal moment of the introduction of the miniskirt to women’s fashion.

    Evidence that at least one woman did something positive for mankind. No more misogyny from us chaps!

    Let’s all hope October brings something positive or at least Sam Smith gets exposed for something awful apart from its music.

    • @ SV

      ‘The Jazz Singer 1927’ – The great but largely cancelled Al Jolson. Maybe something worth mentioning as a contribution to Black History Month!

  20. Just seen Sunak on the telly saying:
    “We’re putting spades in the ground.”
    Now that’s what I call an election winning strategy!

    • “Spades in the ground”

      That’s a fucking new one.
      Are they building a 50 foot high electrified fence along the coastline?

      Is Rishi digging the first hole for the steel post?

      Will there be watchtowers with armed people? Where do I sign up?

      • You are an evil person, Minge.

        That actually didn’t occur to me, until you pointed it out.

        Having said that, what a splendid idea. I give it my full support. 👍👍

    • Seems a little harsh.
      On the ground, I mean.
      As the darkıes decompose, the soil will be tainted forever, like the native injun burial ground in Stephen King’s ‘Pet Sematary’.

  21. It’s a good nom. Dog awful month. Mild and grey or wet and windy. Leaves Falling off and everything dull and brown and invariably wet and damp, dark by 6pm and dark on the morning. Cunts mithering on about ‘strickkly’ whatever the fuck that is and pumpkin spice coffee, whatever the fuck that is. Plus it at the end the clocks change and I celebrate another year bringing me closer to death….. fucking awful time of year.

    • Leonardo,
      Whoever thought of a pumpkin spiced anything, be it a coffee or a cupcake, should be stoned to death.

  23. Ray Bradbury’s anthology ‘The October Country’ is genuinely unsettling. An underrated writer in my view. Read it as a kid as it was one of the few books of fiction that my father owned. If you haven’t read it, check out ‘The Scythe’ – a truly great short story.

  24. It seems that Sutcliffe and Savile dramas are going to make this October’s TV a real fucking barrel of laughs. Merchandising to include hammers and gold
    lame tracksuits.

  25. Removed the hamshank shite from my calendar. Still wondering why anything to do with them crept in there.

    There’s one month of the year nothing annually happens, only my birthdate.

  26. I like Autumn, especially now climate change has made it warmer. Halloween is a more British festival than christmas, which is Roman with German imports. Move the cunting to December, thats when it’s dark and cold.
    December and January can fuck off,although i’d fuck off to the Southern hemisphere during this time if i could.

    Christmas and New Year can fuck off as well. Everyone is ill and you’re stuck indoors eating rubbish.All the fake bonhomie, forced jollity, expense and shame of not having enough money to treat the family.
    A politician of a festivity.

    Baa humbug.

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