Employees With Bad Absenteeism Excuses

My brother just died.
I’m trapped in Ukraine.
I’ve just got a new job.
The dole will sanction me.

All above I’ve had.
If your running a business you need to be reliable.
Your customers judge you on it.

If you have employees you expect them to turn up.
Don’t think that’s asking too much.

Today I’m home , I should be doing a removal .
Luckily my customer is happy to postpone till tomorrow.
The bloke who was due to be my labourer has been stuck in Ukraine!

Too late to find cover ,
The silly cunt.

I notice when people are due to be payed they’re never stuck in Ukraine?
Family never dies on payday?

Funny that.
Maybe on payday my fucking goldfish will die?
Or get stuck in Ukraine?
See how the fuckers like that.


Link by C.A.

Nominated by Miserable northern cunt.

50 thoughts on “Employees With Bad Absenteeism Excuses

  1. Employees full stop are a complete pain in the arse, the more you have the more pain you get….

  2. That is the work ethic in this country nowadays, to lazy to work, to lazy to make up a good excuse for not working.

      • As a pisshead it’s the solid shits that get me to take a sickie not the runs. I’m not coming in today, I’m torn.

      • My sheltered naive self thought Natalie was singing about her front/bonus hole. One stands corrected.

  3. The “right” to work from home, is a popular one these days.
    “I’m on the Spectrum”
    “I have mental issues which means I have anxiety about getting out of bed too early”
    “You’re always picking on me for not coming into work. Is it cuz I’m black?”

    And even when they do come into work they’re too busy on their phones to do any work at all. If you take them to task by smiling/saying “hi” or using the wrong gender pronoun they go into a right old two-and-eight and blub about it for days on social media!

    No wonder this country doesn’t produce anything anymore – apart from workshy mardy cunts!

  4. When I was working Mis, it was recognised by everyone that younger employees had considerably more absence than us old duffers. I’ve heard this is a common thing in different companies in completely different lines of business. I spoke to a young man in his twenties who worked in the office 9 to 5, who couldn’t understand how I could turn out at 3am to fix a server in the city. Birmingham council instituted a regime where employees could take a certain number of “sick” days anually without losing pay. Subsequently almost everyone took their full allocation each year and one middle level manager even asked what arrangements were in place for him to carry forward his unused sick days! You may have heard that Birmingham council is bankrupt.

    • 25 years ago when I lived in Brum the IT company I worked for did some work for the city council and their shite IT datacentre (which was in fact a converted old restaurant and bar, long since demolished).

      Anyway, we had to swap out a couple of failed servers, which ordinarily shouldn’t take more than a couple of hours of downtime. However, the department affected (housing, I think) decided that all their staff could go home on full pay for a total of 3 days!!

      64 people got their coats and fucked off. The excuse from the union rep was “Their computers are down. They can’t do any work!” He said this in an office full of stacked paperwork, box folders etc. and telephones ringing out, but no one was there to attend any of it because they’d all gone home.

      When we said that everything should be back online by the afternoon, he said that “Our Safety Officer will need to inspect your work and he is not due in until Wednesday as he is on holiday!”

      And hence the 3 days off for his hard-working staff!

      • You and I Techno, probably see the reason for Birmingham’s demise more clearly than most. I would bet that the same cause applies to all the other local authorities who are bust or heading in that direction. The problem is that central government turned off their access to the magic money tree. Subsidies out of central taxation were reduced and legal limits were put on rates of increase in the council tax. This made bankruptcy inevitable as local authorities are unable to change their mindset.

      • And also the fact that Birmingham is filled with whining, feckless cunts, Arfur! And that n*gnog cunt Sir Lensworth of Premier Inn is also from that neck of the woods! A prime cunt, that one!

    • I agree with you about younger employees being absent more often than the older ones. Back in 1998 I was knocked off my motorcycle whilst going to work . I
      dislocated my right thumb very badly and was battered and bruised but nothing broken.
      A few hours in A&E and I was at work by noon after turning down a sick note. Some colleagues thought that I was daft but I told them that I was making a point to the lazy buggers who only turned up on days when they couldn’t think of anything else to do.

    • There was a similar situation when I worked at the DWP, in that there was effectively an 11 day sick leave “allowance”, in that a person could take up to 11 days off before HR asked any meaningful questions about the absences. The union were very open about encouraging people to take their quota, and the more union orientated an individual was, the more likely they were to take it. Interestingly, these were usually the same cunts who fought tooth and nail if anyone then tried to sack them from the job that they apparently despised.

  5. There seems to be lots of time off for kids these days – “my daughter has a transitioning brunch at school and we have to be there ” etc

  6. Soon you will be able to do removals work from home, MNC. Moving sofas and chiffoniers using telekinetic technologies will be a boon for layabout cunts, but at least the work will get done. Of course, things could go horribly wrong after a night on the piss.

    Good morning, everyone.

    • If Greta and her eco-loons have their way we’ll all be living in caves and possessing nothing but a straw bed, a couple of wicker chairs and a bowl full of plants and bugs!

      We’ll own nothing and therefore no need for removals.

  7. Well Jeremy cunt has been blathering on about the workshy, how a 100,000 a year leave work for a life on benefits.

    Do tell us what we already know Jeremy…
    Cut them off after a month.. no ifs no buts. Let them starve for all I care, and if they have kids more so the better.

    Fucking chin-less waste of space..
    Want me to make the hard decisions for you, you gutless troughing pig..

    I would welcome the bad press..
    I would drink those leftie tears by the pint..

    Government cunts..

    • Absolutely. I’ve always found work. I’ve even taken crappy jobs until something better came up in the past, rather than the shame of the dole.

      Six months of the dole, then fucking starve. Kids and all unless you put them up for adoption or in a home. And these cunts having ten kids to get big free houses? Fuck that right off! They should not get priority housing. Due to expensive rental costs, priority for social housing should go to working people now. Kids or no kids. No fucking priority for sprogs and all.

      It’s never sat right with me that some non academic or unskilled bloke or lass, perhaps unable or too ugly to get a partner, can never have a home with a garden. They only go to families with kids. Priorities for more kids. Which means they go to the underclass (lazy fucks), gypos and peacefuls, for the most part. Bollocks to that!

      Should be based on ‘can you pay/will you pay/are you a non asbo cunt/can you trace your British ancestry to WW1?’ Not on how many sprogs you can drop out of your slack cunt on the working people’s watch.

      I know some working people renting tiny flats for a king’s ransom. Or even sharing houses, whilst these lazy, piss taking fucks, get houses with gardens and fucking cars. And loads of free cash! My fucking cash!

      Aaarrggh! Fuck it. Let’s go full Heinrich Himmler on their arses!

  8. fucking lazy good for nothing bastards some people, the pendulum has swung to far in the direction of the employees now, boss is now expected to mollycoddle the soft pricks .
    Make em all self employed its wonderfully motivational when you don’t get paid,all of a sudden the Ebola will clear up and they’ll be outside the factory gates early doors.

  9. Getting lucky could be a valid excuse. I once went for a night out in Manchester, got ‘lucky’, woke up the next morning and left the house to discover I was in Sheffield. No idea how I got there. It was a Sunday and, since I was a student, I wasn’t missing anything.

    • Probably unnecessary to explain, but I know how fucking obtuse you lot can be, I was at the girl’s house.

    • I didn’t understand that bit. Either thry were delivering ambulances or they’d just had a week’s holiday in Odessa.

      🎵 We’re off to sunny Ukraine, a viva explosions…

  10. One cunter uses the excuse of having had a nice dream about Selma Hayek and can’t come to work cos he is too happy…..

    Good tips to avoid absenteeism

    Never employ a scouser
    Never employ an ethnic of any shade
    Never employ a woman

  11. Most of us have heard of P.A.Y.E (Pay As You Earn). In other words you get taxed up the arse if you dare to go out and do some graft above your personal allowance.

    Pity a radical new government such as Reform, don’t introduce something called P,A.Y.D.F.A (Pay As You Do Fuck All)
    This would either be a tax or a cut in benefits for cunts who haven’t worked in over 6 months.

    And if you’ve never worked at all without a reasonable excuse (no legs, no arms, blind, deaf and dumb) then you’ll get no benefits at all and will have to rough it on the streets, or find some other country that’s a bit more welcoming to lazy workshy tosspots.

  12. My last workplace was like a revolving door, in the warehouse and office.
    Two people accounted for the most of the adsenteeism,
    One claimed he ran into a lampost while jogging.
    Jogging? He was barely awake most of the time at work.
    People came and went, mostly youngsters and after two and a half years, apart from one other person, i was still the new boy.

  13. We unfortunately have to put up with excuses. Not letting you know anything is unforgivable.

  14. “I can’t come in for the next 10 years because Daddy has locked me in a dungeon”
    ~ Elisabeth Fritzl, super skiver.

    • That terry waite was a skiver, four and half years chained to a radiator..

      Must of been alot of air in that system..

    • “I won’t be in for the rest of my life because someone shot me in the head”

      – Sasha Johnson, vegetable.

    • Josef Fritzl may not have been the world’s best dad, but he was a decent builder, that’s for sure.

      I was looking at getting an extension done. They should give him day release now and again to do such jobs. Put some good back into the world, instead of putting his spunk into his kids.

      (Sick) joking aside, I did manage to get a very rare look of disgust from the Mrs when the story broke on the news. As the television news camera panned down the lair he’d built, I said “Proper job that. He’s no fucking cowboy, I’ll give him that.”

  15. Once you start paying cunts a full wage to be off work “sick” then you’re up shit creek.

    It’s surprising how quickly people recover from illness when they don’t get paid.

  16. Mate of mine works at a nuclear plant and one of his team of sparkys emailed him asking if he could work from home.

    My mate replied “an electrician work from home?? how long do you think your screwdriver is?”

    Safe to say the soft lazy bastard was at work the next day.

  17. Years back as a young man, I worked for the dole. Like that Dennis Neilsen, but without the serial killing and gayness. And much better looking, obviously.

    I’ll never forget one cunt who was off sick for just under 6 months. I think there was some kind of six month full pay rule or summat. He’d come back for about a week then go off on full pay again for six months. Kept doing it. We all had to cover the lazy cunt’s work because the couldn’t fire the lazy shithouse.

    He’d even be seen out on the piss in the pubs during his ‘sickness’ and on fucking holidays (I shit you not). Or at the football. Apparently, it was ‘good for his mental elf ‘ so they let him.

    Gets even better. He managed to come back for about a month and they promoted him! Mates in high places I heard. Then, of course, he went straight back on the sick because of his ‘mental elf’.

    The sick piss taking there was something to behold. And almost every bird’s kid must’ve had leukemia, seeing as how much time they took off because their kid was ‘sick’.

    • Have you ever seen the late 90s movie “Office Space” CB?

      There’s a fella on there who undergoes hypnosis and just decides to fuck work off completely. Treats the place with utter contempt and the company give him a promotion.

      Good film.

      • Ah yes, they stuck poor Milton in the basement. He had the last laugh, sort of.

  18. We had an absolute peach; a young woman who worked 16 hours a week for us (still qualified for benefits then, see?)

    Suddenly she requested more hours;

    “Ashley,” we replied, for that was the skiving bint’s name, “you very rarely turn up for the sixteen hours you’re supposed to.”

    She looked all huffy and soon handed in her notice to take a new job at a mate of mine’s place, full time.

    And weeks later, she announced proudly she was up the duff and thus qualified for 39 weeks maternity allowance at a much higher rate than she would have earned working part time for us.

    Plus she accrued holiday during the 39 weeks she was off. Plus sick pay when she fancied a day off while carrying the chav-ette.

    So yeah, she had 39 weeks off while getting more money than she earned working the 16 hours for us.

    Workshy cunt.

  19. Fuck me, Ebenezer is alive and well! Ezeer good but fuck me he’s a miserable northern miser.

  20. Cunt at work played Crohn’s Disease for all he was worth, off sick for months on end, especially when there was heavy lifting on the horizon. Got it fixed (allegedly- the clinical picture beforehand was of a fat and rosy-cheeked cunt who had no difficulty digesting the diet of crisps, pop and biscuits he was known to enjoy), and proved to be such a permanently useless and contentious backstabbing cunt that the only way to get rid of him was to promote him. Which our cunt management did.

    Proving that the wicked flourish as the green bay tree and the honest people are the cunts.

    • A good example I think Komodo of the unintended and unforeseen consequences of legislation, in this case employment protection laws. Promoting people who are lazy or cannot do the job has become almost the default line of action because it’s cheaper than sacking ’em. Seems though this takes no account of the damage to morale amongst the rest of the labour force.

      • Yes indeed. And is this why we now have several layers of complete incompetents in every management role in the country, and why, despite the highest taxation levels in living memory, our public services are disappearing down the toilet? Hmmm. Perhaps it’s time to repurpose the middle class.

  21. Loved the link, been pissing myself laughing all day about it.

    Absolutely genius.

  22. I’ve been in my current job for six years and have had four days off sick.
    Previous job for twelve years and had about a week off sick in total.
    Smug? Moi?

    • Not smug.

      A bit pretentious, perhaps, but with an admirable work ethic, you are allowed.

  23. Not claiming bragging rights but I went to work with

    My head gashed open, 6 stitches & a headache from hell.
    In a body cast, chipped vertebrae.
    On crutches, broken foot (while doing a job that more than covered 10,000 paces a day)

    The youth of today, well, I’ve no fucking words, except Grow A Pair.

  24. Like the guy who said he will not be in today as he is sick. The boss said how sick are you and the guy said ,well i am sleeping with my sister.

Comments are closed.