Woke 007

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I remember a time when James Bond, the world’s greatest superspy, would despatch the Queen’s enemies accompanied by a witty one-liner. He raced about in fast cars, drank his martinis shaken not stirred, and shagged gorgeous crumpet with names like Luscious O’Plenty and Clitty Throbbing. Every woman wanted him, every man wanted to be him.

Sadly, all that’s changing, thanks to the efforts of former ‘Fast Show’ star turned author Charlie Higson, who’s given 007 a proper ‘woke’ makeover. Yes, it seems that Jamie B now espouses all those fashionable causes so beloved of the champagne drinking Islington socialist luvvy set.

In his new novel ‘On His Majesty’s Secret Service’, Higson has our hero sent to Viktor Orban’s Hungary, to dismantle a (wait for it) vast right-wing conspiracy to attack King Charles. I give you a sense of how things are with an illustration. Having infiltrated a gathering of the blackhats, Bond spots a baddie ‘famous for promoting COVID/vaccine/mask-wearing/5G conspiracy theories, spilling over into the usual anti-immigrant, anti-EU, anti-BBC, anti-MSM, anti-cultural Marxist, climate change denial pronouncements’. The former Tory MP’s ‘anti-trans diatribe’ had then resulted in him being kicked out of the party. Well I don’t know about you lot, but he sounds like a top man to me.

The novel then has Bond lamenting the fact that Athelstan, the far-right supervillain, doesn’t embrace diversity by including ‘women, non-white or disabled’ people in his plot to attack the new king. I’d like to think that Higson was being ironic, but somehow I doubt it.

What next for Bond then? Will the martini be replaced by a soy latté? Will he abandon the Aston Martin for a bike? Instead of blowing his enemies to kingdom come, will he try to rehabilitate them by pointing to the healing qualities of mindfulness and a vegan diet?

It’s gone beyond parody. Higson, you’re an absolute cunt, and I hope that ‘OHMSS’ goes straight into charity shop 10p a pop baskets.

Will the real James Bond please stand up?

NY Post Link.

Nominated by : Ron Knee

123 thoughts on “Woke 007”

    • I can see the next Bond film buying into all this pandering shite.

      ‘Yes Mr Bond, what would you like sir?’
      ‘A decaffinated cappuccino, soy milk heated to no more than seventy for health and safety reasons, lightly sprinkled with ethically sourced cinnamon. And a wheat free, sugar free, dairy free biscuit’.

      As you say, a load of old wank.

      • Amazing isn’t it – back in the day, Higson had no qualms writing sketches for Harry Enfield about Yorkshire men grabbing women by the waste ‘let’s get pissed and ave some lard sandwiches’
        or the Fast show ‘suits you Sir – does she WANT IT Sir ? does she make that sound when you’ve got her up against a tree?’

        Why the hell is Higson being allowed anywhere near 007 ?
        ‘Casino Royale’ has already been written – by Ian Flemming, and he did a damn fine job.

        Higson you are living true to your Fast Show character –
        Colin Hunt

  3. I’ve always suspected 007 of sitting down to piss.
    Never got married
    No kids.
    A “Batchelor boy”
    A bit cliff Richard.

    And he works for the government
    So bound to be woke!!
    They all are.

    Yep, tuxedo wearing toilet trader.

    • I sit down to urinate when at home because I hate cleaning splattered piss and who’s watching anyway?
      The wife appreciates it too as she doesn’t care to clean up my dried urine spots either.
      Am I less of a man? Doesn’t matter.

      • The thought of blokes sitting down to piss doesn’t bother me.
        It’s the thought finding myself next to some bearded female who’s pissing standing up that puts me off a bit.

      • It used to be a court martial offence in the old days Ron.

        Private Dorothy caught sat down pissing?!

        What would the enemy think?!!!

      • With the squat piss, pulling the chain washes the tackle at the same time. What’s all this got to do with 007, fuck knows.

      • If I’m a bit pissed I sit down. If I don’t it fucking goes everywhere.

        It’s a fucking disgrace.

      • ‘Sitting down in the middle of the night to piss, saves you having to put the light on.’ Doesn’t help much if you miss the bog altogether when you go to sit down.

      • Harry Callaghan stands at the urinal,
        Leans back, sighs, and let’s forth a jet of steaming piss.

        Bond lines the toilet seat with napkins
        Squats and has a delicate tinkle.

        His handbag full of Tampax😁

      • Harry would be saying to the pink urinal cake ‘Did I have 5 or 6 pints “?

    • Bond’s probably ‘working from home’ in this ‘new’ creation, like all state employees ….. or on strike

  5. I’d love to see a feminist’s reaction to Bond “struggle-snuggling” Pussy Galore. They’d probably admit they would love it and want to be the meat in a manwich twixt Connery and Moore.
    I wonder if Roger Moore got to shag May Day for real on the set of ‘A View to a Kill’? That would be one brave shag, having a go on Grace Jones’s turkish delight in the mid-80’s.
    Bloody exciting though.

  6. It sounds like a spoof. I can’t tell real woke apart from satire any more, the former having become so ridiculous.

  7. My favorite line from a Bond film is from 1983 Never Say Never Again when the waterskiing beauty Fatima Blush skis right into the arms of James Bond who is holding his drink in one hand. She apologizes for getting him wet and he says, “That’s ok my martini is still dry.” Fucking ace!
    I might have added, “don’t worry Love I’ll get you wet later.”

    • The best one has got to be from the Man with The Golden Gun. Moore as Bond asks the oriental girl swimming in the pool her name. “Choomee” she says.

      Moore just growls inquisitively and raises his eyebrow.

  8. So the villains team lacks spacca’s and spades.

    A wheelchair hitman would be so useful..
    Oh no he has gone up the stairs..

    Though a pavement ape is useful with a knife? But he will probably chimp out at some point and stab he’s own people.

    I will stick to the ian Fleming books thanks..

  11. Sounds like it was written for Vine. Jeremy Vine. License to cunt. Chasing baddies on his bike.

    • …and filming them with his little secret camera so he can snitch on them.

      The Spy Who Grassed On Me.

  12. Bond of Old – “Do you expect me to talk?”
    Goldfinger – “No, Mr Bond. I expect you to die!”

    Bond of Today – “Do you expect me to text?”
    Goldappendage – “No Bond (gender pronouns not allowed), I expect you to have a plant-based latte and then join JSO for a demo on the M25”

  13. The Hollywood puffs who’ve minced about as Bond aren’t how Ian phlegming imagined Bond.

    Drinking puffy martinis
    Driving ducky cars( hey look at me!)

    No.
    He was a agent of the British government.
    Ruthless
    Fearless
    Capable.

    Not some undercracker model clothes horse wearing a £400,000 watch.

    I prefer Harry Callaghan films anyway.

  14. Can’t have toxic males anymore, no place for a serial shagger, world domination is no longer an issue, climate denial and anti trans are the real enemy 😂

  15. I was offered a part as a `Bond Girl` some time ago: An East German army officer called Stüffma Küntwithspünk. Great days.

  16. He could always spice it up by reintroducing some villains of old.
    Scaramanga’s three bollocks are severed by Oddjob’s bowler hat, Blofeld’s pet cat is a lion and Q’s latest gadget makes Rosa Klebb look like Xenia Onatopp.

  17. Charlie Higson was good in the Fast Show.
    He must be aware that Bond has loads of fans?

    He’s a smart bloke, university cunt, so must be aware reinventing a character this way will be unpopular?

    Like me he just doesn’t care.

    He wants to carry favour with his dinner party woke friends.

    Fuck him🖕
    Vote with your feet

  18. I understand the first 3 films in the pipeline are

    Greenfinger
    From Ukraine With Money
    On Her Majesty’s Environmental Service

    Alright fair enough but Genitals Galore and Octovag just don’t have quite the same ring to them.

    I think I’ll pass on the woke Jamie Bond, But I do wonder if he’ll finally consummate a virtual relationship with Mx Digitalcurrency…maybe on Chaturbate?

    • General.

      Just as we in the UK have Bond; you guys in the States have the likes of Arnie, Chuck Norris and Bruce Willis as your action heroes back in the day.

      I can imagine a few reboots coming out of Hollywood soon:-

      The Wokiemator
      Unlive Hard
      Delta Farce

      “Yippee Ki-Yay, motherfucker” now becomes “Yippee Ki-Soy and a Latte, sweetie!”

      • Hey Techno,

        You are quite correct about America’s faux action heroes. But don’t think for one moment 007 wasn’t all the rage. He was indeed the prototype.

        I Spy, The Man From Uncle and even The Avengers were big hits on American TV as well as spy spoofs like Get Smart. Of course James Coburn as Flint was a direct parody.

        Back in the day, an American rite of passage for boys was the collecting of Baseball trading cards. But did you know we also had James Bond trading cards featuring scenes from the “movies”?

        I well remember the James Bond Spy Kit I got for Christmas one year.

        By the way. The real world hasn’t allowed me to post as much as I would like. Yesterday, there were 2 great threads I was unable to comment on in a timely manner. But I did read your remarks and you are correct. I have much to say about the filthy cunt Eric Adams.

        I’ll have to wait until next time as I’m sure he’ll be cunted again.

  19. If Fleming were around today he’d have punched this Higson puff and/or challenged him to a duel.

    I like to think so anyway.

    There’s nothing these weak as piss cunts won’t try to undermine or destroy.

    Rosa Klebb should kick this cunt in the bollox with her poison shoe.

    Fuck off.

  20. I really couldn’t give a fuck to be honest.
    I was never a big fan of Bond in the first place, but I still have nearly all of the Moore/Connery Bond films on my NAS.

    In fact any popular film from back in the day I have on my NAS. That way the woke cunts won’t decide that any future releases of these “offensive” old films will be banned, because I’ll have my own copies. And that’s what you have to do to protect history before it gets rewritten or erased.

  21. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JvWUDZDyFBE

    Doubtless cunters will recall the Diamonds Are Forever fight scene between Bond and those rock hard floozies Bambi and Thumper.
    It’s a little known fact that the role of Thumper was originally given to the young, aspiring black actress Diane Abbott. Unfortunately when Diane leapt into the pool during her screen test she caused a 50 foot high tsunami in which the cameraman and boom operator were both drowned. The other actress playing Bambi was washed out to sea and her body was never recovered. Sadly this signalled the end of Diane’s acting career.
    Unfortunately in her subsequent role as an MP and potential Home Secretary she was no more convincing.

  22. Did anyone actually see the most recent Bond film.

    They turned him into an absolute simpering gaylord.

    Having replaced him with a black woman for the first half of the film

  23. Higson went to university and started squatting ( oh you rebel!)

    He then became a interior designer and decorated Hugh Laurie s and Stephen Fry’s house.

    Ducky Darling!!

    He’s up his own arse.
    A butch windowdresser.

    That Paul Whitehouse has gone a bit pretentious as well.

    Your just a comedian.
    Your not really important.

    You’ve not cured cancer you cunt.
    Get over yourself.

    • I enjoyed Higson’s early thrillers like King of the Ants and Full Whack. Twisted and nasty tales of not very nice people. Even his recent Whatever Gets You Through the Night has an ace piss take of wussy actor Timothee Chalamet.

      He rather seems to have dropped the ball here though.

    • Meghan Markle as a Bond Girl?

      Oh yeah! Rachel Onherknees…with her evil deaf and dumb…heavy emphasis on dumb…henchman Handjob who is determined to bring down the Institutionally Racist Royal Family and avenge the murder of his Saintly/Slutty Mother, Lady Die.

      You Only Crash Once.

      • Me again as a Bond girl ? Doggy style. Rogered by a non white binary dildo enhanced trans 43 and 4 ( whatever they may be ) ramming his dildo up Meghans chuff box whilst Ginge sits in the wings spanking his matchstick !

        Yes General, that would certainly pull in the crowds !

  26. Seriously can’t wait for this audio visual extravaganza, a feast for all the senses not least of all my over sensitivity. Since I saw Barbie I’ve been devoid of anything world changing to view.

    Bond in his Aston Martin convertible where they proudly represent their genders. I do hope their is a plot twist where he travels back in time and we don’t leave our beloved EU…

      • Yes of course we left, I have a horrid blue passport now, it’s only saving grace is that it was made in France!

      • The blue passport!

        Oh my days, I have one of those ugly dried blood coloured things.

        I renewed mine using the rather extremely expensive Post Office experience, and I have to say, we’re very smart at sending the new one.
        I even booked a short break.

        Unfortunately, the first lock down happened, and although I got my flight money back, I’m still in dispute with booking dot com about the hotel charges.

        Utter cunts. I’ll never book through them again, and urge all fellow site members to avoid them like the plague.

  27. Why didn’t the cunt who wrote this utter wank create their own hero and give them their own ’00’ designation and name? Or anyone responsible for protecting the Bond name.
    Oh, that’s right. No cunt will watch it. So they’ll just take what they like and dress it to suite their agenda. The last one was blatantly a knock at white aggression and the patriarchy.
    The song will be some moaning shite by a raging victim of perceived right wing suppression.
    If the roles were reversed, and any central/right wing people were to claim a left wing hero as their own, then no guardian reader would ever let it drop.
    St Jezza playing an ultra violent Rambo, slaughtering the slants, yes please.

  28. Presumably, new Bond will do away with his/her/its Aston Martin, and will resort to public transport and/or a bicycle!

    • Q walks Bond through his new car, with missiles, ejector seat and Champagne in a fridge, except it is an EV with a 100 mile range then it conks out.

  29. ” Bitter.
    Not shaken , stirred or spilt.”

    No gadgets.
    Just a sawn off shotgun.
    No puffy hairdressers sportscar,
    A van .

    I should reinvent Bond.

    I’d make him racist
    I’d make him sexist

    ” button it Moneypenny,
    This is men’s talk”

    He’d be a proper British hero .

    L

  30. And that Richard Tice can get fucked too.

    You just want your hand in the till,
    Your snout in the trough.

    I’m not voting for any of you slick cunts .
    All liars
    All useless

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