Flies [4]

It’s that time of year. The thermometer in dear old Blighty has finally moved off “second ice age” and we have got a balmy 15degC or so. What happens? The cunting blue-bottles are out in force.

Where the fuck do they come from – I know it’s maggots, but where are the fuckers?

Are they fast asleep in my carpet, just waiting to emerge as fat, annoying bastards.

Either way, flies are cunts.

Nominated by : Lord Cuntingford

Assistance provided by : MMCM

A link on Calliphora Vomitoria to help this nom on its way –


Ugly fuckers and a complete pest.

62 thoughts on “Flies [4]

  1. Revolting fuckers.

    Boris the Spider who lives in our greenhouse is great at taking the cunts out. What a way to go mind.

    Morning all.

    • Morning Ron.
      I have a spritzy bottle filled with plain water and some tweezers. I spray a juicy fly, the water weighs down its wings and I collect it with the tweezers, a deposit it in the garden spider’s web then watch as Boris springs on the fucker and trusses it up.

      • I don’t mind the spider.

        Evil merciless little fuckers but as long as they don’t get too close then I’m quite happy to live alongside them.

        Watching them spin there webs in windy conditions on the windowsill is one of nature’s wonders.

        Having said that – a couple of years ago the Mrs was bitten by some creature or other (I’m thinking spider) and what a mess it made of her skin. She broke out in some fucked up all over body rash type of thing. Weird and never truly got to the bottom of what caused it.

        So on second thoughts yeah spiders are maybe cunts after all.

        Good Morning MMCM.

      • Morning Herman.

        Spiders are certainly marvellous creatures. They just freak me out.

      • Make a sport out of hunting the fuckers, and help your local garden spiders get a meal.

        What’s not like?

        Great tip Thomas!

    • A wise man once said,

      If you want to live and thrive, leave a spider to run alive.

      If you want to live long and prosper, avoid NHS doctors.

  2. I hear having a Diane Abbott in the corner of the garden acts as a tremendous fly deterrent.

    • Morning HJ…a partially opened vial of Jess Phillips’ fanny paste is just as effective, but does make your garden smell like like a rotten jellyfish that’s been baking on a summer beach.

      • Morning Thomas.

        Diane Abbott and Jess Phillips frantically scissoring on the lawn surrounded by millions of flies.

        Now there’s a challenging wank.

      • Pffft. As difficult as putting on a hat.
        Harvey Price, Leo McKern and Anne Widdecome rimming each other would be a more robust challenge.

  3. Best bet is to sponsor a staving Ethiopian child to stand in one corner of a room..

    They attract flies magnificently..
    But Don’t thank me, Michael buerk should get the credit.

  4. Its the kamikaze buzzing bastards that annoy me. What’s all that about, letting you know they are there ? If I’m not in a killing mood, I try the glass and table mat method and put them out the window. Don’t kill the spiders, they are your backup recruitment and get shut of them for you in a cruel way.

  5. When a fly’s feeling hungry, it will land on its food and vomit out a mix of saliva and stomach acids. These liquids have digestive proteins that help to break down the food before it even enters the fly’s mouth, turning a solid meal into a soup. Hence the name, Caliphora Vomitoria.

    No doubt you will all remember that horrible scene with Jeff Goldblum in The Fly remake. Here is a reminder –


    To paraphrase the same Goldblum in Jurassic Park – “uhhh…Caliphora Vomitoria…uhhh….finds a way”.

    Horrible pests. At this time of year you just have to open the window for dozens of the buzzing freaks to fly in and drive you mad with their incessant droning.

    • The deleted baboon scene is pretty good. Where Brundle Fly merges a Baboon with a cat, then bludgeons it to death with a pole.

      I’d post a link but I’m a techno Luddite.

      • I’ve heard about that scene. I think it was considered so shocking that they deleted it from the final film.

  6. Maggots come from eggs laid by flies.
    But which came first, the fly or the maggot?
    It’s one of life’s great riddles.
    Good morning.

  7. Flies are cunts but flying roaches emanate from the Hellmouth that is Cherie Blair’s cunt.

    • I make you wrong about that cobber. Roaches are known as the great survivors but Cherie’s fuckbox??
      Even Sir Tony hasn’t been near that for decades!

  8. I’m with Thomas on this one, spritzing them with water, then it’s in the bin or flush it.
    Saves on the damage a rolled up mag does to my fixtures and fittings.
    Bastard shit eating little cunts.

  9. Flies never used to bother me back in the day. Then I couldn’t help but notice that there are more and more of the bastards. And they all have that African, Asian, A-rab , Eastern European buzz about them. Where the fuck are they coming from?
    Even worse, none of them are gay so they breed like………well, fucking flies really. Cunts!

  10. I’ve only had 2 in the house so far this year and the electric racket dispatched them. The last 3 or 4 years we have had up to 6 bees a day coming out of the fireplace. Easy to catch and deposit outside but it makes me wonder why the hell they come down the chimney. Fuzzy sooty bastards.

  11. I am waiting for the post which educates us as to why these creatures are a vital part of the ecosystem. Dirty noisy annoying little buggers.

  12. I like them, I hang dead animals entrails over riddles for the bluebottles to obtain maggots for a spot of river angling.

    Gozzers are my favourite. Put them on bran for 24hrs then in a fridge to slow down the metabolism and it’s all good.

    Smells a bit in the hot weather but hey ho, so do parking Stanley’s.

      • I suspect the fish would detect that the maggot had been reared on the flesh of the inbred vermin and would avoid at all costs.

        I suspect the flies would not be so fussy.

        However throwing the Stanley’s to the pigs is the best option.

        They’d not leave a trace.

  13. We love spiders. Every place we have ever lived has always had a good spider population. Where we are now is a bit more rural and we have some super spiders, some approaching the size of golf balls.Our younger is particularly fond of them. I might have mentioned this before but when she was just a little girl we were at a theme park and she disappeared briefly. I found her in a marquee where the kids were being shown various forms of wildlife. She had a furry, brightly coloured tarantula the size of a side plate sitting on her outstretched hand and was gently stroking it with her other hand. On occasion I’ve found a spider in a shoe and sometimes as I pull on a jumper one runs out of the end of a sleeve. I must admit I don’t mind housing them but I draw the line at them wearing my clothes.

  14. Have recently purchased a Bug a salt salt gun to shoot flies when they land. Uses ordinary table salt not that fancy sea salt, each time you cock the gun a small amount of salt is chambered, on squeezing the trigger that salt charge is shot out like shot gun pellets Big flies can be zapped at a range of 3 feet. Does not splatter the fly so it’s not that messy. If you shoot at a piece of aluminium foil you can see the pattern the salt change makes. I get a pattern of about 1 inch at 3 feet with a tight pattern no gaps. Jokes aside it works and is bloody good fun

  15. Where do they come from, you ask?

    Where I once worked, some stupid cunt thought it’d be a good idea to drag a large wing section from a wrecked aircraft (medium sized passenger jet) into their labs/workshop, mostly as a ‘decoration’ to hang from the roof but with the old ‘it’s for the students’ BS line.

    That was on a Friday.

    The thing had been lying in a dairy farmer’s field beside an airfield for years/decades…no one thought to clean it before bringing it in to their nice, warm workshop.

    Monday morning comes along, our department’s chief technician comes into my office pissing himself laughing ‘go to the aero lab, look in, but for fuck’s sake, don’t open any doors’

    There must have been literally millions of Bluebottles and other flies, the place was black with them – every surface, all the equipment, even the air was black with them.

    It was Impressive, in a biblical plaguey sort of way.

    This was back in the days before phones had cameras, and cameras had film, and my camera gear was 5 miles s away at home, so unfortunately I’ve no pictures.

    Once Rentokil had finished mopping the things up and we were allowed back in, they used an endoscopic camera on the wing – full to the gunwales with recently vacated pupae cases.

    So, unless you’ve the odd wing section or two from an old jet in your garden, I’d be looking in any other dry, dark(ish) nooks and crannies for pupae cases before the cunts ‘hatch’.

  16. Great stuff.
    This site is a veritable font of knowledge!
    Wish i had googled ‘Tony Blair is a cunt’ years earlier!

  17. Flies seem to act differently in Africa.

    In other countries when you try to swat them and miss, they tend to fuck off for a while before coming back to annoy you.

    I noticed that in Africa the flies come back absolutely immediately.
    I am sure that is why you see the people there with flies crawling all over their faces.
    It’s a waste of time and effort to bother swatting them.

    As they treat black people more ruthlessly in Africa I think that it’s true to say that flies are racist.

      • You’re right. If they made knives small enough they’d all be stabbing each other. For real.

  18. Flies are annoying as fuck.

    Black, noisy, breath smells of shite,
    Like Stormzy in miniature.

    But Horse flies up the ante.
    Not content with a mouth full of shit,
    They have a bite that smells and can get infected.

    They like to bite horses arses but aren’t fussy and will happily bite you sat happily on a picnic in some wildflower field.

    These little Google eyed cunts punch well beyond their weight,
    And their shit covered teeth will make your cheek swell up so next day you resemble Quasimodo.

    Little bastards.


    • The fucking poser is wearing knock-off Ray-Bans.
      Used to get horseflies in Switzerland. About 3 months of agonising itching, and my calf oozing unmentionable liquids. Evil bastards. Called “taon” where we were; not to be confused with “thon” which is the fish. Odd language, frog.

      • Thirty million years of Darwinian evolution to produce these cunts apparently.

        Nature’s idea of a fucking sick joke.

      • Got bitten by a sand fly in the sahara. Spent two weeks in hospital looking like joe merrick. Even sounded like the cunt. Shlurp, im not shlurp, an animal, shlurp shlurp yes ive got, shlop, slaver, insurance. Arab cunts, pretended they couldnt understand me. Heard the brown cunts giggling outside the door.

  19. A bite that swells.
    Not smells.

    My phone got malaria of a Tetse fly.

  20. I once asked Mrs Kunt pass me the newspaper, but instead passed me her iPhone, saying I should get with technology.
    That fly never knew what hit it.

    • Well done KG spat half a tin of red bull across the room almost pissed myself as well. Brilliant.

  21. Unfortunately due to owning a pond my kitchen gets inundated with these little cunts along with mosquitoes, who are even worse than fucking bluebottles. Trying to get to sleep at night and all you can hear is that annoying fucking buzzing sound

      • I’ve a variety of fish in there. Koi, ghost, mirror carp and a golden Rudd. They certainly do enjoy the larvae, they all hang around under the waterfall and eat them. Still doesn’t stop the hatched cunts invading my kitchen though

  22. My cat loves flies. It’s a good way of making sure the fat, lazy bastard gets some exercise.

    I have to be damned quick at removing wasps, though, because the daft sod eats anything he catches, and he doesn’t know the difference between a sky raisen and a sky jalapeño.

  23. The illegal immigrants are not only sneaking into our country where they’re not wanted, but are bringing in the flies as well. Its Biggles Flies Undone all over again.

  24. I don’t get flies in my place, instead I’ve got loads of these fuckers in my flat.


    Not the shiny black roach-looking things, but the mottled type.
    I never see them on the carpet though, but on the curtains, furniture, kitchen surfaces. I sweep them into the sink and try to wash them down and the cunting things cling to the sink like limpets.

    • Ask people do they want to come round to yours to watch the beetles play.


  25. Once Katie Price leaves the country for good we may see a huge drop in the fly population.
    London getting its fucking act together might also help.

    Both a dirty stinking holes.

  26. 40 years round horses never been bitten by a horse fly, but been kicked cos of one noshing on a horses pisser , never been bitten by a mosquito either must be a rancid little fecker. Never stung by wasps either even when destroying their homes.

  27. Those fucking horseflies are evil bloodsucking bastards.

    And we get this nasty fly spray from our local Paggi Shop. Miles better than that Raid shite and a lot cheaper. Just one spray of this stuff has blubottles spazzing about in agony.

    And getting a fat juicy bluey with WD40 is a sight to behold. They go apeshit and start breakdancing.

    Starch is a good one for blueys and all.

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