Beer Goggles

I was taking to an old friend today who reminded me of the night I pulled ‘Pamela Anderson.’

He was taking the piss, as for a reason I can’t recall, I’d mentioned beer goggles. I’d told every cunt at the time way back that I’d had a (prime) Pamela Anderson lookalike wanting my cock.

Yes, years ago I’d pulled what I thought was a Baywatch standard bint in a club. I was steaming drunk at the time. I’d probably done 10 -12 pints by that point and a few shots.

Anyway, she gave me her number and said she’d like to meet me when I was sober. I agreed (despite wanting to have my way that very night).

Next afternoon I called her. She seemed surprised but was happy I’d called. We agreed to meet up in a bar the next evening.

I was buzzing and told me mate. I kept saying how fit she was. He laughed and said I must’ve had beer goggles on.

Got to the point where he asked how old I thought she was. My reply? About 22 or 23. He was pissing himself.

I just said he was jealous and went to meet her. I was about 27 at the time.

She was 42 and rank. (And I’m thinking you’re a Brad Pitt lookalike, right? – NA)

I felt fucking awful as I’d got her moist in a bit of text sex.

Upshot was I made some crap excuse about my (long dead) nan having a heart attack and left. And then never replying to her calls and messages until she got the hint.

Beer goggles are a cunt.

Or a boon, short term I suppose!

No link admin, they don’t really exist for this.

Nominated by: Cuntybollocks

53 thoughts on “Beer Goggles

  1. Well played David Niven.
    That was my mum.
    And you broke her heart.

    Callous little bleeder.

  2. When we went to Gothenburg in 1993 (the pre migrant rapist days) to watch United get stuffed, my mate was seen slinking off with two Swedish blonde bits that looked like they were from the Bunny Mag. None of us were pissed at the time and, naturally, I hated him for it…

    And those Russian birds when went to Moscow in late 93? She claimed she was a solicitor, and that she had an extra job. But – bloody hell – what a stunner and what a professional, shall we say. What she couldn’t do….

  3. Come on Cuntybollocks, you shouldn’t have been so lame! You could have given her a quick seeing to, it would have been polite.
    She might have given you a night to remember, done all manner of disgraceful filth.
    Many a decent tune butchered on an old fiddle…

    • I’ve had some great times with older and/or ugly girls/women. I ain’t gonna lie about it and I don’t regret any of them.

  4. One of the best shags of my life was with a fat lass and my mates say it was beer goggles,
    But wasn’t.
    I wasn’t bladdered,
    Knew she was a porker and just felt like it.

    Best decision I ever made!
    She had a clam that felt like velvet💪

  5. I don’t care how rough this bird was Mr Cuntybollocks…… know that the Cuntstable would have had the horn.

    Lucky girl.

  6. I’ve had some proper ditch pigs in my past.

    Nothing hugely obese but women with a bit of meat on them are a good fuck.
    Fannies like mouses ears.

    Ugly girls appreciate a good seeing to as they don’t get much.
    They will do any disgusting thing that you can imagine.
    The bonus is that after they find out what a cunt you are, you are not too bothered when they leave you.

    Anything with a cunt and a pulse was my moto.
    It’s not like I was going to take them somewhere expensive.

    You guys are just too fussy.

    • Not me, mate. A fuck’s a fuck. Good job I spotted that my tablet changed the first ‘f’ to a ‘d’, cunt.

  7. Although the price has risen dramatically they can be an essential piece of kit for any gentleman about town.

    I do hope Mr Cunt Engine will be along shortly to share some of his gallant adventures.

    What an imminent appalling disgrace.

    • I’m actually watching the Krauts vs Donkey Murderers so may well be along later to ‘fill you in’ but here’s a snippet to be getting along with…
      I once bummed a lady from the bottom of a flight of stairs to the top without losing my thrusting rhythm, and as I approached the Billy Mill roundabout, attempted to push her head through the bannisters.
      Which seems, on the face of it, a bit cuntish. But she was ginger.

  8. Beer goggles have been a major source of fun in my younger days, as used to be said ” every holes a goal “.
    I expect a lot of the birds woke up in the morning sober looked at me and puked saying to themselves did I really let that ugly little fecker spaff up me.

  9. Nothing really stopped me shagging, didn’t matter what they looked like. A face of beauty or a welders bench just as long as they’d do a turn.
    Now I’m a lot older I find beer or too much of it causes the sleeping giant to stay that way.
    Thank fuck for the little blue pills.

  10. I used to go out with a bird called April in the late 80s. She looked like Kate Bush/Mary Steenbergen, and she used to smoke rose petal cigarettes. Everyone thought she was smoking pot. She was a great shag and all…

  11. Here’s a gen dit that you may like! Years ago while in basic training we had a game called ‘Dog Fight’. Everyone in the troop would chuck a £1 in the kitty and then during a run ashore we agree to meet at a certain pub in Exeter. Whoever had the most hideous looking bird on his arm would win. So, on the bus I spied this absolute behemoth who was probably VIZ Comics Biffa Bacon’s mum in her early years. She had this green print dress that was obviously someone’s curtains in a previous life. Anyway, we have a few drinks and then proceed to the said bar. As I enter the bar a huge cheer goes up as I’m obviously the winner! I’m grinning at her and through my beer goggles I watch her as the penny drops. With that she swing her mighty fist and knocks me clean over a table, and I’m out cold! What I learned later was that she worked on the doors in Plymouth. Oh, and I learned my lesson when I was picked up by some real looker! She took me to a wine bar and a huge cheer went up. It dawned on me that women play that game, too! Wasn’t quite so funny!

  12. The beer goggle effect can be emulated by imagining your member in their mouth. They suddenly seem a lot more attractive.

  13. That’s pathetic, you pussy. You could have executed sex, you don’t always have to look at mantlepiece while you’re stoking the fire.


    • “You don’t always have to look at mantlepiece while you’re stoking the fire.”

      That’s what my Grandad always used to say to my older Brother and me when it came to girls. He knew his stuff.

  14. I disagree with this nomination because the vast majority of my shags have been when she and I were both shit-faced.

    I know that the moment is long past but come on Mate, don’t fuck it up for me!

  15. I’m sure I’m better looking than you DA 🙂

    Even now, and I’m a right ugly cunt.

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