Wasps (4)

No doubt the Chwis Packham types will tell me they’re good for the garden, pest control etc. Oh they don’t attack unless provoked…

Bollocks. They’re always aggressive. Like stroppy 16 year old chavs pissed up on white lightning shouting “you wot mate!” at each other.

I was out mowing the lawn and trimming the hedge and they wouldn’t leave me the alone the little wankers. I was hoping I’d “accidentally” slice them in half with the hedge trimmer.

I stop until they move away and then carry on. As soon as I start again they come back.

I remember reading something about them giving off some sort of pheromone if they think they’re under attack and then all other wasps in the vicinity gang up on you.

I try to stay calm when they fly near me but I have this irrational fear and anxiety about them flying into my ears or my eyes.

One of the little wankers stung me in the back of the knee years ago and I can still feel it when I remember it. They don’t just sting once either, they can do it again and again.

Later in the afternoon, sanding some wood in the back yard for a little DIY project I have and there they are again harassing me.

Why can’t they just fuck off?

Mind you there’s always someone worse off. Whoever he is.
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Nominated by: Harold

67 thoughts on “Wasps (4)

  1. Morning all.

    Time for one of Odin’s useful pieces of information.

    Remember AB / VW

    Acid (lemon juice) for a bee sting.

    Vinegar for a wasp sting.

    Neutralises the venom.

    You’re welcome.

  2. Top tip-

    If troubled by wasps in the garden,
    Leave a open tin of syrup or treacle down at the bottom of the garden.

    It keeps them occupied away from you whilst you nudie sunbathe.

  3. These are truly the biggest cunts of the insect world for sure.
    This time of year they become even more violent when they know their own days are numbered as they die out for winter.
    The little yellow and black cunts really do go out of their way to sting folk and fuck your day up worser than an Extinction Rebellion protest on the motorway your travelling on could ever do.

    Ultimately wasps are cunts however I’m just glad spiders haven’t grown wings and learned to fly as yet.
    That really would be shit😔

  4. I’d welcome wasps.
    I hope a whole fucking enraged swarm of them attacks the irritating cunt who insists on playing rap and reggae at full volume everytime the sun shines.
    Also bees and hornets.
    The twat!

  5. Wasps are cunts.

    I’ve never had a problem in the slightest with bees in the past by comparison as they always seem to go about there business in a seemingly docile way.

    Wasps on the other hand always seem to be angry aggressive little bastards who happily sting you multiple times. Probably for a laugh as well.

    I remember reading somewhere that if you or your family are being harassed by wasps then a slice of bread covered in jam, placed at a safe distance away from you, should be a guarantee to distract them and keep them well away.

    I say fuck that – it’s just encouraging them if you ask me.

    • I’m a big fan of a TV show called ‘kings of pain’.
      A likeable pair of blokes one a Aussie one a yank who test the bites and stings of venomous creatures.

      It’s for scientific purposes really , as it’s needed for study,
      But they get bitten and stung by lizards, scorpions, tarantula,snakes, ants, wasps, etc
      Highly amusing!!


    • Back in the glorious days of Empire kids were employed as ‘Jam Boys’.

      There job was to stay close but not too close to the Lords and Masters as they went about their leisure.

      The Jam Boys would have a pot of Jam or some would even cover a part of their body in order to attract the wasps.

      Being stung multiple times was an occupational hazard but at the end of the day their reward was they got to keep the Jam.

      We English have given so so much to the world.

      I’ve always said if wasps were big enough they’d eat you and they don’t half remind me of those cocky Parking Stanleys when I was a teenager.

      ‘Shut it, I’m going to get my big brother on you you white honkey’ ‘come on then, come on’….. as they’re stood on the other side of the road.

  6. Steady, men.
    Show fortitude !
    Never falter.
    The cold weather will soon see the little bastards off.
    Remember, we’re British ! 🇬🇧
    PLUS !!…….. It’s Tax Free Saturday 👍
    Good morning ( bit frosty )

  7. Top Tip

    Troubled by wasps? Simply place a large open Tupperware container filled with treacle in the garden. Then, wait for all of the wasps to gather around the container. Finally, get a flamethrower, set it to full power and burn all of the wasps to death.

  8. The little cunts need to be delivered some swift justice in the form of a flame-thrower. I loathe the evil, spiteful little bastards. They don’t even take the hint that they’re not welcome when you try to twat them with rolled up copy of Razzle, and fly around your fucking head like a squadron of bastard Stukas. And they can kill, the cunts. Went to a bloke that was stung by a wasp – full on anaphylaxis, head like a fucking beach ball, airway occluded. You try drawing up drugs etc when the little fuckers are coming for you! We deserved a George Cross, that day! Top-notch cunting.


  9. Top Tip

    Burned your own house down when carrying out over exuberant pest control?

    Simply make sure you’ve paid your home insurance and perhaps the wife won’ t take the kids to go and live with her parents.

    • My lad overreacts to them.
      Jumping about, swatting at them,
      Panicking like a tit.

      I tell him, it’s the worst thing you can do.
      They think they’re under attack,
      They release a pheromone that brings in reinforcements.
      Next thing they’re angry mates turn up.

      But he never listens.
      Jumping about like Bazil Fawlty.

      “Aaargh! It’s stung me!!

  10. I know a bloke, somewhere in Worcestershire, thats not afraid of wasps. He casts a lone figure, as he stands, behind the bike sheds, practicing his boxing, to the tune of ‘Eye Of The Tiger’ (copywrite Dick Fiddler), in the hope that at least one of the little bastards will turn up.

    No cunt ever does, though.

    • Morning DCI👍

      I got bit by a spider a while back
      Cutting back ivy in the garden,
      Must of disturbed it,
      Cunt bit me!!
      My hand swelled up like a cartoon characters.
      Ever get customers having a bad reaction to spider bites?

      • Yes, Mis. Went to a bird who got bitten on the leg by a False Widow spider. Couple of red marks, bit of swelling, but nothing else. What was interesting was the fact they killed it – no idea how – and put it in a box so we could see it and confirm its identity. If the fucker had bitten me, it’d have been about four-foot wide and wafer thin! Cunts saw what it was and panicked so called us. To be fair, it was a first, so I was only a bit annoyed.

        ‘Morning, Mis, morning all. Chilly out – lovely!

    • Yup.

      Dips his head in treacle and stands under their nest.

      My favourite story of acting hard came from Poland. Some farm worker fellas we’re on the vodka in a barn. Had a competition to see who was the hardest. Ended up smashing frozen turnips into their heads. Still no winner, despite concussions, so they drank more and one lad cut his own finger off with a chainsaw. I think another lad then cut his hand off. The other lad, in a ‘brave’ effort to win, then grabbed the chainsaw with a “Watch this!” and cut his own head off.

      What a fucking night lol

      Still I recall they were all naked too so sounds a bit iffy to be honest.

  11. Wasps are the Sean Penn of the insect world.. quick to fly off the handle,easy to offend.. impossible to calm down..

  12. Top Tip

    Hang the stained, crispy and pungent undergarments of Analese Dodds, Flabbott, Butler and Katie Price on your washing line and you won’t see another wasp within 100 miles of your home!

  13. I quite like wasps.
    They don’t take any shit.
    Very proactive.
    If they suspect that you might be a threat, they attack immediately.
    Anyone tries to muscle in on their territory….
    ATTACK !
    DESTROY !!

    We should be like wasps.
    Cunts in dinghies ?
    ATTACK !!
    DESTROY !!

    Go wasps 👍

  14. I remember as a child walking back through the old wood with my brother. I saw a rotten tree stump with wasps buzzing in and out. I called my brother over and then gave the stump an almighty kick….fucking wasps went mental…luckily I could outrun my brother and escaped while the little buggers piled on him…stung to fuck…the howls as he ran along behind …..Mother had to take him to the Quack he was so badly stung.

    Still makes me laugh all these years later.

  15. I was stung at the pub the other week by one of these little yellow hooligans,I killed it in the process however.

    It almost put me off my pint.


    • I suppose we should give small thanks we don’t have those giant hornets that the Japs have,they really are flying cunts.

      • Saw those fuckers while working in the middle East. They’re fucking massive.

        One of our lads ran into one on a quad bike, got stung and spent the next two weeks on antibiotics.

        His whole arm swole up and his fingers puffed up like sausages.

        Mind you, he was the same mad cunt who would chase after snakes when we were working in the field.

  16. Appart from the odd queen building a nest in my loft, these little cunts never bothered me until one with a bad attitude on a hot August day stung me on the neck, totally unprovoked. Since then I hit them with fire, usually the Lynx Effect, a can of deodorant & a lighter.

  17. By coincide I was stung by one of the fuckers yesterday.
    On the eyelid of all places.

    My eye has completely closed up and I look like I have been a few rounds with Tyson Fury.

    Wasps are cunts.

  18. Bullet ants are the worst as rated on the Schmidt Pain Index. I remember watching Steve Backshall volunteer for some South America ritual where he put on some special gloves loaded with them and let them sting him 100s of times

    I always felt he had a bit of a gay voice and wasn’t hard enough to be a TV action man but this changed my mind.

    Absolutely nails.

  19. This may annoy some of you, my daughter reckons I’m the king of the wasps and all the other flying biting twats.
    I have NEVER been bit or stung by anything even when destroying waps nests with me deodorant flame throwers.
    My lady on the other hand is a biting feckers free banquet, some times she looks like a small pox victim.

  20. You can get a spectacular bell end if stung there while say, walking in the park. So I’m told.

  21. Wait for them to land then crush their heads with your thumb. Me and a mate did this to about 2 dozen while sat in a country pub.
    The waitress was very impressed.

  22. I love wasps, 2 nests in the garden. Haven’t been stung since the 80’s, resulting in a trip to A&E arm like Pope’s.
    Good morning.

  23. ‘Round my parts there seems to be an understanding between man and wasp. They don’t fuck with you unless fucked with.
    I was working at a ranch house once and opened a storage room door. A huge nest covered with wasps was about 2 feet from my face and they were all looking right at me. I softly said, “Sorry fellaz. Have a good day.” and slowly closed the door with no incident.

    • Meat curtains @

      I suppose out in Texas there’s plenty of other nasty critters that make wasps pale by comparison?

      Snakes an scorpions etc
      Apparently Harvester ants are meant to be really bad?
      With a few people dying every year.

  24. Cunters will have noticed that the domestic fly sprays that you buy in Tesco’s were severely weakened under EU regs some years ago, you spray a bluebottle and the fucking thing just carries on flying for ages. Having said that I have a can of “Raid” here and it is incredibly effective on wasps, knocks them down immediately. We have always had black ants here which don’t really give any trouble unless you leave something sweet where they can smell it, then the little bastards appear by the thousand, marching along in Indian file to collect it. My wife accidentally introduced red ants from her allotment some years ago and those bastards are like wasps, aggressive on sight and they crawl up over your shoes and bite your ankles. We also have a good line in big fat spiders. My wife likes those and will go up and tickle them on the belly but they don’t seem to appreciate it, they just run away.

  25. I got stung on the arm by some bastard Scottish wasp when I was a small kid.
    My mother took me into a local cafe and they put vinegar on it. Then some nice old dear gave me two shillings to get some ice cream.

  26. Horseflies are cunts too. Got a couple of bites on one calf whel living in Switzerland. Bloody leg itched like fuck for ages, oozing everywhere. Nearly had a run in with giant hogweed too. Escaped by a miracle.

    • Horseflies are vampire cunts.The little fucks suck blood out of you. I like birds, bats and dragonflies. Because they eat the vicious little cunts.

  27. Just like how Burberry was originally a brand worn buy posh cunts but was misappropriated by gutter-dwelling chavs, the black and yellow striped motif worn by the humble bee has been misappropriated by the totally classless chav of the animal kingdom……. the wasp. Wasps are indeed cunts.

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